Register for free to join our community of investors and share your ideas. You will also get access to streaming quotes, interactive charts, trades, portfolio, live options flow and more tools.
A guy who did everything right all the time...
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing, you're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his damn widow!"
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding
in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat
so I threw it in the pool.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is
a stationary bike.
It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
People who say "Money doesn't grow on trees"
don't understand the paper making process.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house
don't tell them you need it by a certain date.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other
coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.... and dates.
Went to buy condoms and the cashier said
"yeah right", and put them back on the shelf.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater.
I would've preferred a moaner or a biter.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop
using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
don't normally take a dump with the door open, but I don't want to miss the in-flight movie.
Accidentally pressed the soap dispenser instead
of the toothpaste. Mouth feels clean but I don't think I'll be able to curse today.
Shucks.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing "Fortunate Son" on my boombox while watching a man die.
30 seconds left on the microwave….. Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.
"Let's do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died" ~ Really personal trainer
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest,
baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time.
Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of
people, and my Korean friend screams "HIT THE BLAKES" & I'm like "I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE"
Scientists say humans are becoming less
intelligent. I would read the whole study, but I’ll just wait for the movie.
After finishing painting the exterior of my house today,
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said, "Nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain to her that men are deep thinkers, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered a thought:
If someone from Holland married a Filipino….
would their kids be called Hollapinos?
Well, after some more beer, and some more heavy thinking, I lost my train of thought and said,
"At this point, what difference does it make.
My wife had another car wreck today. She told the police that the man she ran over was drinking beer with one hand and had a cell phone in the other. The cops told her that the man could do what he wanted in his own living room.
Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.
There are holes in both my shoes.
That's how I get my feet in.
I watched hockey before it was cool.
It's called water polo.
I learned how to make a banana split............
...........................at Sundae School.
I got a good price on a sled for this winter....
...................but I had toboggan.
Christmas gift idea...
Buy all your nephews, nieces, sons and daughters a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, "Toys not included".
A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late
for work. When confronted by his boss, the man explained,
"You can't park anywhere near this place!"
I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today.
He wasn't happy.
What steps should you take if a tiger is running at you ?
............................................BIG ONES !
What is a small dog's favorite city ?
New Yorkie
What's a cat's favorite song ?
Three Blind Mice
Why do giraffes have such long necks ?
Their feet stink.
Why don't bears wear shoes ?
Wouldn't matter..................................they'd still have bear feet.
So Alec Baldwin told a morning show that he doesn't want any more children.
He should have been shooting blanks 2 years ago on the set of 'Rust".
Why does Mrs. Claus wish Santa was more like a stocking ?
Because stockings are hung !
How did Noah see the animals on the Ark at night
He used flood lighting.
What do you give a dog with a fever ?
Mustard ( always good for hot dogs )
I've been in love with the same woman for 25 years.
Sure as hell hope my wife doesn't find out.
Every man wants a beautiful, smart, loving wife.
Too bad polygamy is illegal.
Two spiders who just got married:
newlywebs
My wife and I share my sense of humor...........
......................because she doesn't have one.
My wife and I are clear on this.................
I don't control her life............................and I don't control mine.
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.
The family had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer and freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered it was. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
Confessional Box ...
I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied: “Get out ... You're on my side."
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive
Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you
Think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, Or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said
He looked at me and said...
"Then, why do you even give a shit?"
So I was sitting in traffic the other day.......
That's probably why I got run over.
My favorite word is "drool."
It rolls right off the tongue.
I once fell in love while doing a backflip.
I was heels overhead.
I quit my personal trainer job.
I gave them my too weak notice.
My friend just moved to Sweden.
So now he's an artificial Swedener.
It's okay that I talk to myself...
...because I'm a good listener.
Proper Job Placement...
Methods from Human Resources...
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the
Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks,
put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order,
put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them
in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in
Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations and
they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved,
put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in
Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in
Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick
has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top
Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks
in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from,
put them in Congress.
Father/Daughter...
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden."
Contemporary Philosophers
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part
of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had
the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them
we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.
Dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them
for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the
strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out
the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new
wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at
kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but
I was just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for,
I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture
naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man
wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the
airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
My wife always forgives me when she makes a mistake.
My wife claims she can read my mind, but she can't.
She's telepathetic.
It's a sin to love another man's wife...........
..........but punishment to love your own.
Marriages are made in heaven.
But so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes and hail.
When talking to your wife, remember this........
The conversation WILL be recorded for training and quality purposes.
A priest stands in front of his congregation holding 3 envelopes.
He says "I hold in my hands three sermons: a $1,000 sermon that lasts 15 minutes,
a $500 sermon that lasts 30 minutes, and a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour.
"Now we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver"
This just in
Chuck Norris admitted to using stunt doubles in his films.
But only for the crying parts
I don't repeat gossip,
so listen carefully the first time !
What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool ?
Rock pay-for-scissors.
Remember that joke I told about my spine ?
It was about a weak back.
SENIOR CITIZENS
✔︎Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
✔︎ What do you call Australian senior citizens? Boomer-angs.
✔︎ There is a new site for senior citizen dating. It's called, "I've fallen in love and I can't get up."
✔︎ I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.
✔︎I finally found an app for my senior love life!! It's called Carbon Dating.
✔︎Folgers has a new specialty coffee that's just for seniors. Folgers' slogan for it is, "The best part of waking up is waking up."
✔︎Ah, the modern days ... I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into
his phone, to cross the street.
✔︎Growing old is inevitable but growing up is optional.
✔︎Respect old age; it’s your future!
✔︎Don’t think of them as “hot flashes.” Think of them as your inner child playing with matches.
✔︎Now that I’ve become a senior, everything’s starting to click for me … my knees, my back, my neck.
A golden classic!
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Bobby gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens.
One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.
The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did, we only got ten chicks.
The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far.
Next it was Dave's turn to tell his story:
"My dad told me this story about my aunt Karen.... aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself.
Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete 'til the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking…"
Now that made me laugh hysterically.
Man: "You've brought religion to my life."
Woman: "Really, how" ?
Man: "Until I started going out with you, I didn't believe in hell."
Would you like to become a Jehovah's Witness ?
Lawyer: "I didn't see the accident, but I might be interested in taking the case."
Jehovah's Witness' favorite band: The Doors
I went to college with a Muslim guy who was
notorious for being late to class. We called him 9/12.
I told the... ...waitress that the steak was bad.
She picked it up, slapped it a few times, put it back down on the plate and said,
"Let me know if it gives you any more trouble."
When the waitress brought me my steak, instead of putting it in front of me, she put it off to the side.
( It was a flank steak )
Waitress threw a steak at me one time
It was a chuck steak
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when
he left for school ? Mum-bai
My ex-wife married an Indian man.
( they worship cows )
What would you call a wreath made of 100 dollar bills?
Aretha Franklins.
Man killed by shark while on his honeymoon,
doctors said he didn't suffer much, he was only married 5 days !
Steve Wright-isms...
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
A cop stops a biker on a Harley...
...for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. So he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," replies the biker.
"Fred what?" asks the officer.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses the biker for his last name.
The biker tells him, "I used to have a last name but I lost it."
The officer thinks that he might have a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college for pre-med. I went through medical school, an internship, a residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school and become a dentist. I got all the way through dental school and earned my degree. So then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.
"Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
"Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears.
If at first you don’t succeed,
then sky diving isn’t for you.
Share RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last ReadRead Replies (1)
To: Arthur Radley who wrote (351069) 10/22/2023 8:22:18 PM
From: Ron
351070
of 351070
True, that....
If at first you don’t succeed,
then sky diving isn’t for you.
The guy who stole my diary just died.
My thoughts are with his family.
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette
...................but it just went in one ear and out the other.
It's important to have a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote", my best friend might still be alive.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids,
yet she got pissed when I stuck a can of green beans in her garter.
The bum on the corner had a tattered, worn out cardboard sign with,
"Anything helps" written on it. I felt bad, it was cold, starting to rain.
I just bought a large meat lover's pizza. As I pulled over to talk to him from my warm car.
I put the window down, opened the pizza box. Tore off the top and handed it to him and said,
"I know things are tough. Take this. Make a new sign."
Do you know what they call Marines on a Submarine?
Passengers
Our business professor was lecturing about different ways to bill customers. He asked,
"Who can give me an example of a system where you are billed before you actually receive your goods?"
One student piped up, "Tuition!"
They just opened a Black-Mexican owned restaurant in town.
( Nacho Mama's )
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Rodney Dangerfield : My dad took me hunting, he said,
"I'll give you a three minute head start !
My dad tied me to the hood and put the deer in the car !
I told my dad I was going to go ice skating at the pond, he said,
"Wait until it gets warmer "!
Every morning before school, mom would give me 8 quarters for lunch.
...............and every evening I'd sit on the toilet trying to pass them.
They say that ignorance of math is growing
exponentially............................whatever that means.
Well, yes, I am dressed for inclement weather.
I'm wearing a house.
Spread the word.
OK.......................W..................O................R....................D
!!!! good ones!!!
Old guys reminiscing...
So, I'm sitting on the porch at home with my two old friends.
My friend Mike says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to pee. All day long I try to pee. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
Then Joe says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally I had enough of their complaining,
"Guys: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I pee.
Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels.
Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
Shut up!
The Blonde Swimmer...
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breaststroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out. Twenty minutes later, the blonde reaches the end and gets out.
The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze medal goes to the blonde."
The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser or anything, but I think the other girls were using their arms!"
A doctor lacking empathy
"A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.
Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.
'Hello, the surgery went well. Unfortunately, the recovery will be very long. First, she'll need years of physical therapy, costing $2,000 per month.'
The husband starts to get worried. 'Then, she'll likely need more surgeries in the future, but they won't be covered by insurance and could amount to $100,000 to $150,000.'
The man starts to break into a cold sweat. 'And in reality, she'll need a high-quality wheelchair and a suitable vehicle for transporting the disabled, but with $30,000, you should manage.'
The husband, deeply concerned about the money, looks desperate. The doctor then pats him on the back and says,
'Don't worry dude, I was just kidding. She's dead!'
LOL! tried something like that many many moons ago.....
wasn't for a report card.....but....something I broke or messed up
and nope.....didn't go over worth a crap........LOL
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the community, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
another joke board https://investorshub.advfn.com/The-Old-Timers-Club-924
liked this one the best!!!
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
"How Would You Fix the economy?"
The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the economy?"
I think this guy nailed it!
Dear Mr. President:
Please find below my suggestion for fixing America's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the workforce.
Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.
Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered-Auto Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -Housing Crisis fixed.
It can't get any easier than that!
If more money is needed, have all members of Congress and their constituents pay their taxes...
Doctors vs Gunowners
Doctors
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Statistics courtesy of U.S.
Department of Health and
Human Services.
Now think about this:
Guns
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.
is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths
per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths
per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must seek to impose doctor Control! before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!
I often think of all the boobs I've touched during my life.
It's a trip down mammary lane.
I asked my wife how she felt about her boob job.
She said it was uplifting.
We got our dogs some glow in the dark dog treats.
You should have seen their little feces light up !
A quiet little boy was sitting in class, putting up with the abuse of a foot taller, loud mouthed girl. The girl was berating him for being a Nerd.
The teacher heard what the girl was saying to the boy, and admonished her, “Karen! You should be nice to Billy! He is a straight A student, and someday he just might be your Boss.”
Billy looked at the teacher and quipped,
“But I don’t want to be a Pimp!”
On an electrician's truck:
"Call us, we'll remove your shorts."
Humane Society: Buy one, get one flea.
On septic tank service truck .
We’re #1 in the #2 business
On window blind service truck
CAUTION.........BLIND MAN DRIVING
Irish Cole slaw chef: Murphy's slaw
What do you call it when Victoria's Secret merges with Smith & Wesson ?
.......................................................Titty Titty Bang Bang
I keep asking people what LGBTQ means...........
...................but I never get a straight answer.
I told my wife to look down her blouse and spell attic.
Did you know....................
The door at the Mastectomy Clinic only has one knocker ?
A midget touched my wife's boob.
I think someone put him up to it.
Hunter Biden: "Looking at that laptop that wasn't mine violated my privacy"
LOL- had to read it twice!
I refuse to go to the gym.
It's a form of resistance training.
My grandson ties shoelaces at the playground for free.
It's a knot-for-profit venture.
It took me forever to find my TV controller.
It was in a remote location again.
I used to get to work early, but then stopped.
It always seemed to make the workday seem longer.
A woman goes to the doctor and says
"Doctor I want to have a baby but my husband is adamant that he doesn't want any children. What can I do?"
The doctor tells her that the next time she goes to have sex with her husband, take a sewing needle and poke holes in the tip of the condom.
A few days later the woman goes back to the doctor and says, "Doctor it didn't work, after I poked holes in the condom my husband didn't want to have sex anymore.
The doctor says, "Yes I just saw him earlier. Next time do it before you put the condom on him."
That'll teach the prick.
My wife just renewed me for another season.
My wife says I can join a gang if I want........
....................but she wants me home by 9.
The secret to a happy marriage..................
........................is still a secret.
The 5 essential words for a happy marriage.
"I apologize" and "You are right"
"I'm Sorry", can only get you so far
after 53 years i have not made it to that point, yet
But then i rely on bribes , too
If you ever...
...fall down in public, pick yourself up and say, "Sorry, it's been a while since I inhabited a body."
Then just walk away.
I spent... ...last night defrosting the fridge.
Or foreplay, as she likes to call it.
My wife is an economist, and I am an engineer.
I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So, I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?”
Well don’t you know, she loved my suggestion!
It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.
Two inexperienced hunters were hunting in the woods. Before long, they got lost.
“Don’t worry,” said the first hunter. “I heard that if you’re lost, you fire three shots in the air so somebody will hear you.”
They fired three shots in the air and waited. A half-hour later they tried it again, and still no one heard them. Finally, they decided to try it a third time.
“This better work,” said the second hunter. “These are our last arrows...”
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?”
The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.”
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father’s opinion, “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?”
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”
A wife buys her redneck husband a scale to help him with his new diet.
A week later the redneck says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out 'cause of my new diet!"
His wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your poop?"
And the redneck says, "... yeah, I guess I could do it that way..."
How to Install a Southern Security System.
1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba,
Betty Sue, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and
messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
- Cooter
If My Body Was a Car!
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it,
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
either my radiator leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!
DEBT CEILING FOR DUMMIES!!!!
This is a simple but effective way to explain to the illiterate the issue of the day !!!
THE DEBT CEILING
Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
Many Republicans don't understand the DEBT CEILING
NO ONE understands THE DEBT CEILING SO
Allow me to explain... Let's say you come home from work and find there has
been a sewer backup in your neighborhood. Your home has sewage all the way
up to your ceiling.
What do you think you should do? Raise the ceiling or pump out the poop?
George Santos wants to start a male escort service.
He's going to call it PETER SELLERS!
My grandkids when I call......
" Boomer rang " .
I threw a boomerang two years ago............... b
I've lived in constant fear ever since.
Guy and her date were groping each other in the Theater. They were told to leave.
It was "Touch and Go" for awhile.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
A catchy tune.
My son asked me today, “Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?”
I said, “I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most beautiful blonde I’d ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her.”
He asked, “So what happened?”
I said, “Nothing. Unfortunately, the arrow missed and hit your mother.”
People who use selfie sticks.................
.................should take a good, long look at themselves.
People who take care of chickens:
Chicken tenders
My wife sells real estate.
She says houses with basements are best cellars.
I always wore eyeglasses during math classes.
It seemed to improve da vision.
I can tell apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
It's best to date a real estate agent.
She knows where the empty houses are and has the keys.
If I go to an animal shelter to get a pet I am a hero.
But if I go to a woman's shelter to get a girlfriend I am suddenly a bad person?
What did Jim Carey say when he wasn't allowed one left-handed player on his baseball team?
" ALLLLLLLL Righty Then !"
How does The Rock pee ?
He dwaynes his johnson !
What do you call a wandering caveman ?
MEANDERTHAL
Me: "I'm sure glad the doctor said I could masturbate as much as I want."
Wife: "That's not what he said. He said you could have a stroke at any time."
I once dipped my testicles in glitter.
Pretty nuts, huh ?
Post your best ones here...
Please, not too blue. Remember, our children may be reading these, too. And language...what is "adult language?"...if it is wrong, it is wrong. Smut gets removed.
Politics are a cause of concern for many who come here to escape the antics of the political playground on the Potomac. As such, politicals should be posted on boards specializing in politics: http://www.investorshub.com/boards/boards.asp?cat_id=123 "The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected."~Will Rogers
JOKES is for laughs, not political propagandizing, please.
The main criterion for politically out-of-bounds is (but not necessarily limited to): Jokes in which a candidate or political party is the butt of the joke is off-topic and subject to removal. It may be funny as all get-out, but alas, this isn't a campaign thread and IHub has boards specializing in politics and some anything-goes boards.
JOKES is for laughs for the masses and humor for all who bless us with their presence.
Not only jokes, but if you have something uplifting that may lighten the load or brighten the day, feel free to post it.
Thank you for stopping by.
DISCLAIMER: The humor contained within does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my wombat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; this joke is distribution copyrighted to the extent that you may distribute these jokes and all its associated parts freely but you may not make a profit from it or include the joke in commercial publications without written permission from Major League Baseball; other copyright laws for specific jokes apply wherever noted; jokes are subject to change without notice; jokes are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this humor offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; humor is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; an equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes; quantities are limited while supplies last; if defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized joke service center; caveat emptor; read at your own risk; parental advisory - explicit lyrics; text may contain material some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries are not included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; Best viewed at 1024 x 768 pixels, safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not use if the safety seal is broken; call before you dig; for external use only; if a rash, redness, irritation,or swelling develops, discontinue use; use only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes; avoid contact with mucous membranes;do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near flammable or magnetic source; smoking these jokes may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; text used in these jokes is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of these jokes; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavour added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a humorologist; jokes are ribbed for your pleasure; slippery when wet; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; joke offer valid only at participating E-mail sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; disclaimer does not cover hurricane, lightning, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, and other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, broken antenna or marred cabinet, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered serial numbers, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments that are not covered in the joke list, and incidents owing to airplane crash, ship sinking, motor vehicle accidents, leaky roof, broken glass, falling rocks, mud slides, forest fire, flying projectiles, or dropping the item; other restrictions may apply. Keep away from water and small children. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on.
Volume | |
Day Range: | |
Bid Price | |
Ask Price | |
Last Trade Time: |