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LOL!!!! oh wait.....that wasn't a joke?!??!???
couldn't resist.......
Darn it, I thought I got all these fixed when Susie pointed it out...Should be fixed now...here's the correct link:
https://investorshub.advfn.com/boards/read_msg.aspx?message_id=172815325
Pappajohn is the mod- he has not posted in about a year- you want the MOD job?
The link shows Message is deleted.
Mod(s)s if you are interested in moving this board to the Free Zone please see this:
https://investorshub.advfn.com/boards/read_msg.aspx?message_id=172815325
What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?
Kick them out of congress...
Telling time with Roman numerals ?
Not on my watch.
What's the difference between a cancerous growth
and a Roman Catholic tradition ? One is a mass, and the other is........................well OK, they're the same.
I, for one.............like Roman numerals.
Favorite game in ancient Rome:
Rock, paper, Caesars
My confession
I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My girlfriend lives 140 miles away.
Some lawyers are called "Ambulance Chasers."
My wife is such a bad driver, ambulances chase her!
Yez it's my face but it identifies as a women's bicycle seat.
I can't remember how to write 1,1000, 51, 6, and
500 in Roman numerals..........................................................IM LIVID.
Why was the dieting Roman thrilled ?
His toga size went from L to XL.
I have a hunch...........................
............that my spine is curved.
If my jokes have ever offended anyone...........
............................you should hear the ones I keep to myself !!!
Why women want to marry Mr. Potato Head:
He's cute, funny, and if he looks at another woman they can rearrange his face.
The Skin Graft
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”
“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.
This guy goes to...
...the doctor and says, "Doctor, my bottom really hurts."
The doctor asks, "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"
The guy says, "Right around the entrance. It's really sore."
"In my expert medical opinion," answers the doctor, "As long as you call that the entrance, it'll continue to hurt."
Letter home from a farm kid who joins the Marines
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
a GOOD home covid test
With the return of COVID, it’s time to bring back this classic..🤣🤣🤣
— Tommy Boy Trader (@QuabbinR) September 6, 2023
pic.twitter.com/2mLSyxoQLw
I named my printer Bob Marley.
It's always jammin'.
Me: "I'd like a book about Shakespeare."
Librarian: "Which one ?"
Me: "William."
To the lady at Walmart with the screaming kids who is wondering
how a box of condoms got into her cart. You're welcome !
What do you call a caveman's fart ?
A blast from the past !
What's black and white and eats like a horse ?
A ZEBRA !
A politician spends the night with a hooker in the morning he places $2,000 on her night stand.
She thanks him but declares," I only charge $200 a night."
The politician questions her and says," How can you make a
living for that ?" I also do a little blackmailing !
Why is pirating so addictive? Once ye lose yer hand, ye get hooked.
How do pirates communicate? With an aye phone.
Why did the pirate quit playing golf? He kept hooking the ball.
What did the pirate say when he got his wooden leg stuck in the snow? Well shiver me timber !
Pirate's favorite movie: Booty and the Beast ( it's arrr-rated )
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? He was standing on the deck.
Their making a new birth control pill that tastes like a mint.
It's called predickamint !
I use the male birth control pill.
I put it in my shoe and it makes me limp.
A Harley Davidson motorcycle...
...at idle sounds like, "potato potato potato potato"
What does it sound like when it's running on only one of the two cylinders?
"spud spud spud spud"
My fitness instructor advised me to wear loose clothing while exercising.
I would not have joined the gym if I had any loose clothing.
I finally satisfied my wife sexually.
I handed her the vibrator and went and slept on the couch.
What did the vulva hear from the clitoris ?
"It's all good in the hood."
When should you use condoms ?
On every conceivable occasion.
Lawrence Welk's twin daughters...
Anna 1, Anna 2
I'm pretty sure my wife is adding glue to my
firearms. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
Good eye! It's even better now!!! LOL!
lol-- did not see that!
Channeling your hero J.Edgar Hoover?-G-
J. Edgar Hoover - Wikipedia
Anthony Summers, who wrote Official and Confidential: The Secret Life of J. Edgar Hoover (1993), stated that there was no ambiguity about the FBI director's sexual proclivities and described him as "bisexual with failed heterosexuality."
Have a good weekend
Notice the protrusions on the blanket and sweater?
— Jokerswild (@JokersWildUK) September 1, 2023
Sign sign everywhere a sign
Click on the PIC
Classic!!! 😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/pVJ1uHakpm
— DK🇺🇸🦅🇺🇸 (@1Nicdar) August 31, 2023
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally,the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that".......
— Katy. NO DM’S (@Katy1927) August 29, 2023
click pic for the punchline
🤣😂🤣 pic.twitter.com/EFI9u1nyag
— 💂🏻♀️👋🏻вєαя🍻🇬🇧™ (@BigBearF1) August 28, 2023
Just bought a new computer won’t turn on …🥵🤔🖥
— EzraEfrat 🇺🇸💬 (@EzraEfrat) August 28, 2023
Chating with the store Tech assistant…💬😁 pic.twitter.com/4Gnq96WhHA
WE do not have electricity.
Another religious tale:
A rich man, in San Francisco ( this was before most of them moved to Tennessee and Texas) became consumed with knowing the Meaning of Life.
He gave up his fortune and family, became immersed in Oriental Religions, to learn the Meaning of Life. Finally he was told that there was an All Knowing Guru, high in the Himalayas, that knew The Meaning of Life.
He made his way to Bombay, walked across India and climbed the Himalayas, to the feet of the All Knowing Guru.
The Great One sat on a raised, gilded throne, gazing into the distance.
" Oh Great One. I must know. What is The Meaning of Life?"
TheGreat One sat silently for several seconds. Without breaking his gaze at the horizon, he solemly pronounced---"Life is a river".
The man let those wotds soak in and the burst out with----
" I've given up my GD fortune and family. Made a fool of my self, all over California. I traveled to Bombay by working my selfhalf to death on a filthy stem ship.
I walked across India. I've climbed the GD Himalayas. In the process I losst two toes, a finger and part of my nose, to frost bite. Now, your going to sit there andtell meLife is a Sod Damn RIVER!!!!
The Great sat perfectly still, for a long time. Finally he broke his gaze at the horizon, looked down at the man and said.
" Are you telling me that life ain't a river?"
B2B
"
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
— JC. (@poorcope) August 25, 2023
" LOL " ... !!
A Husband's Sneaky Maneuver
A married couple are relaxing on their sofa, engrossed in the television. The wife catches her husband’s gaze fixated above her. Puzzled, she follows his line of sight and queries, “What are you gazing at?”
“A spider,” he responds nonchalantly.
“I don’t see anything,” she retorts.
“Oh, it probably dropped onto your head,” he says, maintaining his calm.
Startled, the wife springs from the sofa in a panic…
Taking advantage of the moment, the husband quips, “Since you’re up, could you grab another beer for me?”
Cuckoo clock
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed, and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’
When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Martha was on her way to...
...winning $100,000 on a TV game show but her final question was suspended until the next evening's episode.
Her husband desperately wanted to help her to win that $100K, so he sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced back to the hotel and told his wife, "Your final question for the big win tomorrow will be, 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'
"And the answer is, 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"
Martha thinks about this throughout the night but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, the heart, and the penis."
By the time the game show started the next evening she has forgotten the answer again. Then the presenter asked, "For $100,000, Martha, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds to answer."
Martha answers, "Um, the head."
"Yes," said the presenter. "You have eight more seconds."
"The heart," says Martha nervously.
"Yes!" exclaimed the presenter. "you have six seconds left!"
"Oh. Um, damn. My husband drilled it into me last night, and it was on the tip of my tongue this morning," said Martha.
The presenter shouted, "That's close enough! You've just won $100,00!"
The hat
A man who lost his hat decided the easiest way to replace it was to steal one.
So he goes to the local church in search of a hat. A sermon about the ten commandments was going on as he made his way to the cloakroom. He stopped, thought for a moment, and changed his mind.
Upon seeing the pastor, the man walks up to him and says, "Father, I must say, your sermon saved me from doing something wrong. I came here with sin in my heart, but your sermon showed me the error of my ways."
Upon hearing this, the pastor congratulates him and asks him what specifically made him change his mind, to which the man replies, "You see, I lost my hat and came here to steal one from the cloakroom. But when you got to the 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' part, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat."
My grandson kept messing with electrical cords.
So I grounded him, and now he's conducting himself properly.
A new lethal omicron variant has been detected..
It's called BS-24/7.
In the middle of the battle, I switched to a bayonet to preserve my ammo.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
If a plant is...
...sad, do other plants photosympathize with it?
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
DONALD TRUMP:
I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.
SARAH PALIN:
The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
Which celebrity is always looking for ice cream?
Reese, with her spoon.
What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he could
have some ice cream? Sure Bert
Back when I played hockey, they used to call me Titanic.
I was pretty good until I hit the ice.
No matter what happens, there's always someone who knew it would.
scarry article
Bongino: Trump Shouldn't Post His $200K Bail in Georgia: 'I Know It Sounds Crazy'
https://www.westernjournal.com/bongino-trump-shouldnt-post-200k-bail-georgia-know-sounds-crazy/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=conservativetribune&utm_content=2023-08-24&utm_campaign=manualpost&fbclid=IwAR2nhzkm2nGVBwMv9YzNzAKa1XHk2JYXDJMNQfbPY9bPWSylS7mUEEj5Bhg
lol
more fun if they would lock up the SS
I should have copied it.....there was an article this morning that asked; what would happen if Trump refused to post bail....oh my the ramifications of that happening ......would they lock the secret service in with him or would the Judge let him go on his own recognizance ...
Bookies taking bets on Trump’s weight and whether he’ll wear MAGA hat in mugshot during Georgia surrender
Josh Marcus
Wed, August 23, 2023 at 6:11 PM EDT·2 min read
2
Donald Trump, who has sold steaks, buildings, ties, digital trading cards, and many other things with his name on them, is never someone who has missed an opportunity to make a little money, and it seems bookies are taking a similar approach to the former president’s indictment in Georgia for alleged election meddling.
Online bookmakers are now taking bets on seemingly every aspect of Mr Trump’s expected surrender on Thursday to Fulton County officials, ranging from the former president’s weight to his tie colour to whether he’ll wear one of his signature Make American Great Again hats.
Betting site BetOnline.ag is placing the betting line on Mr Trump’s weight at 278.5 pounds, well above his weight of 244 pounds in 2020 recorded by White House physicians.
The service is also offering bets on which shade Mr Trump’s skin will appear if he’s photographed in a mug shot, with suggested categories like MAGA Mango, Oompa Loompa Orange, and Marm-a-Lago Orange.
Earlier this week, Mr Trump wrote on social media about the charges he’s facing in Georgia, saying he was “going to Atlanta, Georgia, on Thursday to be arrested by a radical left district attorney.”
When he arrives in the state, he’ll surrender to authorities at Atlanta’s Fulton County Jail, where officials have suggested that despite his unique status as a former president, he’ll still be treated like a normal inmate being booked. Prison leaders have said the facility will be on a “ hard lockdown” when Mr Trump is in the building along with his Secret Service detail.
“Unless someone tells me differently, we are following our normal practices and so it doesn’t matter your status, we’ll have a mugshot ready for you,” Fulton County Sheriff Patrick Labat said at a press conference this month.
Donald Trump is expected to surrender to Georgia officials on Thursday (AFP via Getty Images)
Once he is processed, the former president will be released back into the public ahead of his trial on 13 counts, including violating Georgia’s organised crime RICO statute.
Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis gave Mr Trump and his co-defendants until 25 August to surrender.
The facility where Mr Trump will be processed has suffered from numerous problems in the past, holding twice its original capacity of 1,300 inmates. Six people have died in Fulton County Jail this year, and a report from the Southern Center for Human Rights has documented outbreaks of Covid, lice, scabies, and widespread malnourishment among inmates.
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Take the over! His ego alone weighs 200 pounds!
Reply
"Daddy! Daddy! When can I wear a bra?"
" Perhaps never, Bruce"
__________________________________________
"Daddy! Daddy! I'm tired of running in circles"
" Hush Bruce, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guys, I'm sorry
Okie D
— NO CONTEXT HUMANS (@HumansNoContext) August 21, 2023
Say no to Crack!!!🤣🤣🤣
— Tommy Boy Trader (@QuabbinR) August 21, 2023
pic.twitter.com/tMTlqLWBv5
Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
I was walking home the other day when someone
threw a mayonnaise jar at my head. I said, "what the Hell-man !"
The only thing worse than a head-on collision...
...............is a head-off collision.
Company CEO: "We need to stop testing our products on animals."Consultant:
"Why? Shampoo companies do it."
CEO: "I know, but we sell dildos."
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Retired
Stupid people are like glow sticks..............
I want to snap them and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on.
The little boy...
...went and told his kindergarten teacher that he found a dead cat. The teacher asked him, "How do you know it was dead?"
The boy answered, "I pissed in its ear."
"You did what?" the teacher asked in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned down and went pssst in its ear and it didn't move."
Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks?
They are a little meteor.
During a funeral service, a gentleman approaches a widow and says "excuse me, may I say a word?"
"Yes of course", she says. The man gets up and says "plethora." "Thank you" the widow sobs. "That means a lot."
I have great muscle memory.
I totally remember when I was in shape.
A surgeon removed my friend's cardiac muscle.
It was disheartening.
A guy suffers from muscle pain when writing
equations. He has fibromyalgebra.
Who was the strongest dictator ? <
Muscleini
Termites have munchhousin syndrome.
I haven't sold a single copy of my autobiography
( story of my life )
Why doesn't Mike Tyson do drugs ?
Cuz that shit will meth you up.
Post your best ones here...
Please, not too blue. Remember, our children may be reading these, too. And language...what is "adult language?"...if it is wrong, it is wrong. Smut gets removed.
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JOKES is for laughs, not political propagandizing, please.
The main criterion for politically out-of-bounds is (but not necessarily limited to): Jokes in which a candidate or political party is the butt of the joke is off-topic and subject to removal. It may be funny as all get-out, but alas, this isn't a campaign thread and IHub has boards specializing in politics and some anything-goes boards.
JOKES is for laughs for the masses and humor for all who bless us with their presence.
Not only jokes, but if you have something uplifting that may lighten the load or brighten the day, feel free to post it.
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