Any Good Jokes? (JOKES)

[Trinityz1]

LOL! Thx! hadn't seen that in years!

[Gmenfan]

Sounds like something Abbott and Costello would do.

[SkeBallLarry]

" a Good one, Trin " .. !!

[Trinityz1]

An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.

When the interview was over, the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.

“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”

After thinking for a while, the Irishman took the pencil, drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not nine!”
“Oh yes, it is”, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, “Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”
The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.

After thinking for a long while, the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not ninety-nine!” “Oh yes, it is”, said the Irishman, “Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”

The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off, so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all; therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil, drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three, and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not 100!”

“Oh yes, it most certainly is”, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent,

“Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100.

[getmoreshares]

The wife told her husband, "Let's go antique shopping today. I'm feeling Victorian."
"No," he said, "let's not... I'm feeling baroque!"

I accidently took my cat's meds last night.
Don't ask meow.

Why is bread like the Sun? It rises in the yeast and sets in the Waist.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low.

I told a joke on a Zoom meeting for work....... Nobody laughed.
Turns out, I'm not even remotely funny.

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

The baker's wife said "Honey, I loaf you..." ..
...to which he responded "Right baguette 'cha!"

An Irishman walks out of a bar...
Well, it could happen.

The girls in high school used to call me Bounty
because I was the quicker pecker-up er.

She has ear rings, a nose ring, lip ring, tongue ring, and nipple rings.
So why did she slap me when I asked her if she wanted a finger-ring ?

A drunk guy just reupholstered my boat seats.
He's a recovering alcoholic.

I saw a native Australian guy playing "Mama Mia" on his didgeridoo.
I thought, "Now that's very ABBAriginal."

What's the difference between a casual dress party and a pirate orgy ?
One is come as you are, and the other is arrrr as you come.

Chuck Norris tells his wife to calm down during an argument.
And she does.

A guy went to the dentist for a root canal.
"This is gonna hurt, are you ready?"
"Whenever you're ready, doc"
"I have been sleeping with your wife for the last three months"

D.E.I. hires are not welcome at the Pentagon.
D.U.I. / D.W.I. no problemo.

A man found a lamp on the beach, rubbed it and out popped a genie!
As you might expect, the genie said, "Thank you for releasing me -- I grant you three wishes!"
Without hesitation the man said, "For my first wish, I want you to get a hearing aid."
The genie was perplexed and said, "That's an odd wish. May I ask why that?"
"Well, I've heard horror stories about wishes before and I really don't need a million ducks or a 12 inch pianist."

I told my wife I want to build a model of Mt. Everest.
She said, "to scale ?" I said, "No, just to look at."

Wife has a peekaboo negligee.
First you peek, then you boo.

A friend of mine dressed as Bill Gates one Halloween and he looked nothing like him
but the next year he dressed as Jim Morrison and the costume was perfect.
I told him he makes a much better door than a window.

I’m developing an app to connect people suffering from Lyme Disease.
I’m gonna call it tick talk.

Dentist: "Do you smoke or drink coffee ?"
Me: "I drink it."

[getmoreshares]

[Giovanni]

https://www.aol.com/yorkie-outrageous-tantrum-treats-run-151500598.html

[getmoreshares]

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

When getting paid in gold coins, pirates used to
verify their purity by biting into them.
( criminals accepting payment in bitcoins goes back a long way )

On a nature trip....................
Dad: "Up there is a family of swallows."
Son: "That's so cool."
Daughter: "Where's mommy swallow ?"
Dad: "I haven't seen mommy swallow since before you were born."

“It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.”

Why do Indigenous people hate April?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers

What do you call a fairy that puts money under your pillow when you fart?
A toot fairy

A guy and his wife are watching a boxing match on TV.
Although it was hyped as a great fight, it ends in a knockout early in the first round.
Disappointed, the husband sighs and complains, “After hearing how great it was going to be and getting myself all excited, I was looking forward to having an extended good time. And then in the end it only lasted for 30 seconds!”
“So?,” replied his wife. “Welcome to my world!.”

What did the tired dragon make for dinner ?
Flamin' yawn.

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men: One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the King of the Jungle knows readers digest and writers' cramp.

And oldie but a goodie...
In thirty years, a husband never gave his wife an orgasm... And, since in Judaism a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult the Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young man, to watch you having sex... give him a towel and while the two of you are making love, have the young man wave the towel over you both... That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man with a great build... and he waves a towel over them as they make love... But. it does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi, the husband says it didn't work."
And the Rabbi says... "Okay,' then try it reversed... Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home, they hire the same strapping young man... and tell him what he must do...
The young man gets into bed with the wife and gets to work with great enthusiasm as the husband waves the towel...
Soon the wife is in the throws of passion and she has an enormous, room shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm!!!.
Afterward... the husband stands next to the bed with the towel and a big smile... As he looks at his wife, who is still shaking from her experience, and he looks at the young man, he says triumphantly...
"You see that, you schmuck?!? THAT is how you wave a towel...l!!"

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married,
and has 12 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries shortly after, and has another 15 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row asks, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

You've seen it in all the commercials...but what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?
I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, that she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help me. I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist.
The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute. I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses."

[2morrowsGains]

💩I thought I farted but I shit...

[getmoreshares]

Everyman that gets out of the shower in the morning 😂🤭😎🤷‍♂️

pic.twitter.com/Kl7hpnHJVe

— 💥⚜️ S I G ⚜️💥 (@PURE_BL00D2) April 16, 2025

[getmoreshares]

SMH- SICKO

[Giovanni]

Just threw up my cookies:

Chinese snack shop offers to transform placentas into health benefit pills for women
Outlet which grinds afterbirth together with ginseng to make ‘health promoting’ capsules subjected to official probe

A snack shop in China is being investigated over its sale of placenta pills. Photo: SCMP composite/Shutterstock
Yating Yangin Beijing
Published: 9:00am, 16 Apr 2025Updated: 1:13pm, 16 Apr 2025

A Chinese snack shop that advertises “placenta processing” services and sells capsules made from afterbirth, purportedly to boost health, has sparked criticism and an official investigation.

The controversy came to light on April 6 when a netizen shared online that Auntie Congee’s Snack Shop, near the Changzhou Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine in Jiangsu province, southeastern China, was allegedly processing human placentas and selling them in capsule form.

Images circulated online clearly showing the shop’s signboard boldly stating “placenta processing.”




The business charged 800 yuan (US$110) if the customer did not provide their own placenta and 300 yuan if they did, claiming that “all the placentas used were sourced from new mothers in hospital”.

The shop owner, who previously worked in post-partum recovery services, said that she can connect customers with maternity matrons.

The shop in southeastern China advertises its wares both on and offline. Photo: Baidu
The shop in southeastern China advertises its wares both on and offline. Photo: Baidu
In addition to the snack shop, the owner also runs an online shop called Zixuan Maternity Matron Centre.

The online shop offers post-partum services, including maternity care, childcare, meal preparation for new mothers, placenta processing, and post-partum recovery services.

Promotional materials show the process of grinding placentas with ingredients like ginseng powder and making the mixture into capsules.

The capsules are labelled ziheche, which is the traditional Chinese medicine term for placenta.

A poster highlights the purported benefits of placentas, noting that they are rich in protein and nutrients.

It also advertises two processing methods, patented freezing and traditional, allowing customers to watch the entire process in person.

On April 8, the Changzhou Municipal Health Commission told Jimu News that they have begun an investigation into the shop.

“The snack shop has been shut down for rectification. We are currently investigating the source of the placentas. Preliminary findings indicate that they did not come from any hospital,” said a staff member.

In traditional Chinese medicine, placentas have historically been believed to replenish energy, nourish blood, and are often recommended for people suffering from physical weakness, chronic coughing, or infertility.

However, due to safety and ethical concerns, the Chinese Pharmacopoeia removed placentas as an approved ingredient in 2015.

According to legal regulations in China, placentas belong to post-partum mothers, who have the sole right to decide on their disposal, and the sale of placentas by any individual or organisation is forbidden.

Traditional Chinese medicine holds that consuming placentas can treat a range of ailments. Photo Shutterstock
Traditional Chinese medicine holds that consuming placentas can treat a range of ailments. Photo Shutterstock
The controversy, reported by the Yangtze Evening News, has sparked a wave of criticism online.

One person said: “I really cannot believe that there are people who eat placenta as food. It is so disgusting.”

“It is already the year 2025! Who even believes in such nonsense? And treating women as some kind of ‘superfood’, is that not objectifying women?” said another.

While a third person said: “This is not surprising at all. In the past, hospitals would ask mothers whether they wanted to keep their placentas. If they did, it was usually consumed as food.”

[getmoreshares]

[Giovanni]

All women crew testing out the World's largest vibrating rocket

All women crew testing out the World's largest vibrating rocket

The memes will write themselves 😂 pic.twitter.com/CRcwvBgntz

— Winston Alexander ⚡️🇺🇲 (@_BitcoinCapital) April 13, 2025

Apr 13
Katy Perry & Co. Celebrity Female Astronauts are about to be blasted off into Space.

I just can’t…..🤣

[getmoreshares]

[getmoreshares]

[getmoreshares]

[Giovanni]

[Giovanni]

[Giovanni]

[Giovanni]

<img src="https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b7a6423067f42e97774b841112102c5bfd6c7164ccb787df6d331d9be1f11f10.jpg"/>;

[getmoreshares]

SMH-- LOL

[Giovanni]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NTFq3cigM8&t=81s

[Giovanni]

https://www.facebook.com/reel/2065558787220884

[getmoreshares]

[getmoreshares]

[2morrowsGains]

LOL,😆

[getmoreshares]

GROANER- Today, police found a getaway car with an incomplete set of stolen golf clubs.

They are still looking for the driver.

[MiamiGent]

Me too!

TY all posters.

[getmoreshares]

[getmoreshares]

Bruh 💀 pic.twitter.com/w8QhqfAetr

— Declaration of Memes (@LibertyCappy) March 27, 2025

[Giovanni]

insert-text-here

[getmoreshares]

That was unexpected😂 https://t.co/TLSe08vJyW

— Ross McCulloch (@Rossmac212) March 23, 2025

[getmoreshares]

GROANER

[Trinityz1]

A lawyer runs a stop sign in Dublin and, quite rightly, gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than that Irish policeman because he is a lawyer from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense.
The Irish Garda comes up to him and says, "License and registration, please."
The lawyer replies, "What for?"
"You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."
"I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please."
"What's the difference?"
"The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
The lawyer tries to outsmart the Garda "If you can show me the legal difference between "slow down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
The Garda says “OK then, sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir."
The lawyer gets out, but before he manages to say anything else, the Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the lawyer with it and asks: ”Now do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[Trinityz1]

Little Billy was a brat, and his parents always had a hard time finding a babysitter because nobody wanted to deal with him.
When Billy’s parents planned a short getaway, they were stumped about what to do with Billy. His dad said, “He can stay with my parents. My father is no-nonsense, he won’t put up with Billy’s disobedience.”
So Billy’s mom told him about the plan. Billy rolled his eyes and said, “Whatever.” The day of the trip arrived, and they took Billy to his grandparents’ house. Billy didn’t say a word, and when they arrived he barely acknowledged his grandparents. “Don’t worry, he’ll be fine,” Billy’s grandfather said.
Billy’s parents returned two days later, and were greeted by a very happy, smiling Billy. He hugged his mother tightly and said, “I missed you so much!” She looked at her father in law, who just nodded.
On the ride home Billy’s dad asked what Billy had done at his grandparents’ house. “Well not much the day you left,” he said, “I was rude to Grandma and didn’t want them to talk to me. So that night, Grandpa took me out in the woods and made me walk about a mile carrying a big sack. Then we stopped, and Grandpa told me that I had to find my way back to their house in the dark all by myself.”
His mother was shocked, “Oh my gosh! You had to walk a mile in the dark? I can’t believe Grandpa made you do that! It must have been rough!”
Billy replied, “No, the rough part was getting out of the sack.”

[Trinityz1]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
?“Hallo, Mr Macron!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
?I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
?
?“Well, Paddy,” Macron replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
?
?“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”
?
?Macron paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
?“Jaysus!!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”
?
?Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr Macron, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”
?“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Macron asks.
?“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
?Macron sighs, amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”
?“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
?Sure enough, Paddy rings the next day again. “Mr Macron, the war is still on!
?We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”
?
?Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
?My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”
?
?“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”
?
?Sure enough, Paddy calls the next day again. “Well, good mornin’, Mr Macron, I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”
?
?“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Macron. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
?“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

[Trinityz1]

THE REDHEAD
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glasseye came flying out of its socket.
He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of
the air and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies.
( The suspense is killing you, isn't it ) ?
She said .........
" You're just the first man who
Happened to catch my eye. "

[getmoreshares]

[getmoreshares]

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, taking their time and enjoying the open road. The wife was behind the wheel, focused but driving just a little faster than the speed limit. Before long, flashing lights appeared in the rearview mirror, and she pulled over to the side of the highway.
A highway patrol officer walked up to the window and said politely, “Ma’am, do you realize you were speeding?”
The woman, a bit hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
The husband leaned toward her and shouted, “He says you were speeding!”
The officer, used to all sorts of roadside encounters, kept his cool and continued, “May I see your driver’s license?”
Again, the wife looked to her husband. “What did he say?”
“He wants to see your license!” the husband bellowed back.
She fished around in her purse and handed the license over. The officer looked it over, smiled a little, and said casually, “Oh, Arkansas. I spent some time there once. Went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The wife turned to her husband again. “What did he say?”
The old man didn’t miss a beat.
“He said he thinks he knows you!”

[getmoreshares]

It's definitely not McDonalds 😂 pic.twitter.com/n5bXOdSwmj

— A Man Of Memes (@RickyDoggin) March 21, 2025

[Gmenfan]

the the

[getmoreshares]

I had to cheat- did not see it:

Can you find the mistake? pic.twitter.com/YUdHH3DHBQ

— NO CONTEXT HUMANS (@HumansNoContext) March 20, 2025

[getmoreshares]

pic.twitter.com/5BeKImV05v

— Hillbilly (@JamesHu27192912) March 19, 2025

[getmoreshares]