Any Good Jokes? (JOKES)

[getmoreshares]

I’m going to hell. pic.twitter.com/qzqAN2yism

— Mrs. S. (@hshLauraJ) June 15, 2025

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

A woman at a diet club was lamenting the fact that she had put on weight.

“I made my family’s favorite cake over the weekend,” she told the group, “and they ate half of it at dinner.

The next day, I kept staring at the other half until I finally weakened and cut myself a thin slice. Well, I’m ashamed to say that once I got the taste there was no stopping me. One slice led to another and soon the whole cake was gone. I was totally dismayed by my lack of willpower, and I knew that my husband would be bitterly disappointed in me.”

“What did he say when he found out?” asked the group leader gently.

“Oh, he never found out,” said the woman. “I made another cake and ate half!”

[getmoreshares]

I honestly can't get enough of this guy. He absolutely cracks me up.
Andy Huggins is awesome!!!!!🤣🤣 pic.twitter.com/gmmRfMYa05

— Johnny B. Good (@Cat5SMASHICANE) June 13, 2025

[getmoreshares]

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

Today's been a weird day...
I found a hat with $50 in it, then I got chased by a dude with a guitar.

Two women talking in a restaurant...
First woman: I was trimming the hair round my private parts and decided to use my phone as a mirror.
Second woman: How did it go?
First woman: It was going great until I started getting likes on Facebook.

The Sermon... < Barack--Obama > 2025-06-03 12:39

One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation:

"My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons ...
a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

Which human civilization invented the bidet ?
The Ass Techs

I'm obsessed with aircraft carriers.
I warship them.

Need a boat of biblical proportions built ?
I Noah guy. He's a great arkitect.

I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don't.
So, from now on I'm only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.

I don’t let my kids watch orchestra performances
They have too much sax & violins.

What would you do if you had one day to live?
Old Man 1. “I’d have sex with anything that moved. What would you do?”
Old Man 2. “Stand very still”

What do you call The .Joker in a snowy forest ?
Joaquin in a winter wonderland. ( I'll let myself out )

In response to rising food costs........
The FDA announced that they have adjusted the five second rule to a full ten seconds.

I went out for Chinese last night.
Ended up with a waiter that was actually Japanese. He said he was a kamikaze pilot during WW2 and that his code name was 'Chow Mein'.
I asked, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't kamikaze pilots sacrifice their lives?"
He said, "Yes, but I was 'Chicken Chow Mein'.
(Sorry for posting this chronologically, historically, culturally and culinarily convoluted joke.)

"Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage? My friends keep teasing me about it."
Smiling, the Priest replied, "My son, as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli: the altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself: 'I'LL ALTER HIM.'"

Why do they call it a nursing home ?
It's not like any of those old ladies are lactating.

Irony.
The judges who said we do not need to stand for the National Anthem expect us to stand up when they enter the room.

[getmoreshares]

[MiamiGent]

Weekend Humor:


Went to the hemorrhoid clinic today.
It was standing room only.

She said she was doing burlesque to feed her kids,
yet she got ticked when I stuck a can of green beans in her garter.

I replaced my cat litter box with a FedX box, now when it's full l just tape it shut and put it on my porch for someone to steal.

My shampoo bottle said to apply liberally...
So, I complained about Trump the entire time I was washing my hair.

My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long-distance relationship.
Or as she likes to call it, a “restraining order”.

The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.



Full Disclosure: 93% of my jokes are plagiarized. Many come from ihub's "Any Good Jokes" board, primarily by posters "getmoreshares", "giovanni", "SHORENUFFSTUFF", and then less from assorted others.

https://x.com/AbbeyFare

[Trinityz1]

GOOD ONE!
other good ones before this!

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.

"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."

"Yes, sweety?"

"I, uh, I'm gay."

"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"

"Grandma!!!!"

"Well??"

Mortified, he muttered sheepishly, "I, uh, yeah?"

Whack! The wooden spoon found its mark. "Don't you EVER," she sternly replied, "complain about my cooking again."

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

I bought a set of dentures at a thrift store for a dollar.
I thought it was a good idea at the time but now I have buck teeth.

New abortion clinic in town:
Don't Kid Yourself

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that argument

My psychiatrist asked if I had any irrational fears.
I was afraid she'd ask that.

I called the nursing home to se how my brother was doing.
Nurse: "He's like a fish out of water."
Me: "So he's finding it hard to fit in ?"
Nurse: "No...........he's dead."

A guy sits down next to a woman at a bus stop and asks her “Can I smell your pussy?”
She says no and slaps him. He responds “Oh it must be your feet then”.

Went to the hemorrhoid clinic today.
It was standing room only.

I think I have bulimia.
I told the Doc I got it from my wife.
"Impossible" he said, "Bulimia isn't contagious."
"But, every time I eat her cooking, I throw up."

Why does the ocean roar ?
If you had crabs all over your bottom, you'd roar too.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I got a new pen that can write under water.
It can write other words too.

Why does it say "shake well before use".........
.................on Parkinson's Medicine ?

Just quit smoking and it was easy.
I decided to have a cigarette only after sex.

It's easy to quit smoking...
I've done it many times.

I sang "Danny Boy" at the senior center.
There wasn't a dry seat in the house.

I was attacked by two different owls.
I think they were in cahoots.

My shampoo bottle said to apply liberally...
So I complained about Trump the entire time I was washing my hair.

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

A couple of...
...immigrants had just arrived to the USA by boat. While walking around the hotel, one said to the other, "I hear the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies. "But if we will live in America, we should do as Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, she points to a hotdog stand on the corner. They both walked toward it and asked for, "Two dogs please."

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hotdogs in foil and hands over the counter.

Excited, the two companions hurry to a bench where they begin unwrapping their 'dogs.' The woman opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[Seminole Red]

lolol

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

Did you know that the older you get, the closer you come to being the same age as your parents?

Did you know no matter where you are in Florida you are never more than 60 miles from the ocean.

Did you know that Maine is the only state in the US that shares a border with only 1 other state?

Did you know that New Hampshire has the shortest coastline of any state that has an ocean border?

Did you know the area code (321) 3… 2… 1… is neither arbitrary nor inconsequential. It was assigned to Cape Canaveral in Florida to honor the space program.

Everyone knows that there is no word in the English language that rhymes with "orange", but did you know that there are also no rhyming words for the words "month", "purple" or "silver"?

Did you know that Maine is the only state whose name contains only one syllable?

Did you know the sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English alphabet

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

I called two girls' hipsters and got slapped.
Apparently, the correct term is "conjoined twins".

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my my customers whether they would prefer
Smoking or Non-smoking. Apparently, the correct terms are Cremation and Burial.

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther
I am told the correct term is bulldozer operator.

The Coast Guard fined my wife and I for having
sex in the ocean. Apparently, off-shore drilling isn't permitted in our area.

I drove my car into a river, and watched it turn
into a mobile phone. One minute, a Kia.................next minute, Nokia.

This fly was flying around when...
he felt something on his back, so he looked back and sees a smaller bug. He asks the tiny little thing, "Hey, are you a mite?"
"I mite be," replied the little critter.
"That's the stupidest pun I've ever heard," quipped the fly.
"What did you expect?" said the mite. "I made it up on the fly."

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

I found my wife hanging from a rope in our

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut her down, gave her CPR and thank God she started to breathe.

As she lay in my arms I saw her eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

[Trinityz1]

LOL! Thx! hadn't seen that in years!

[Gmenfan]

Sounds like something Abbott and Costello would do.

[SkeBallLarry]

" a Good one, Trin " .. !!

[Trinityz1]

An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.

When the interview was over, the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.

“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”

After thinking for a while, the Irishman took the pencil, drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not nine!”
“Oh yes, it is”, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, “Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”
The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.

After thinking for a long while, the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not ninety-nine!” “Oh yes, it is”, said the Irishman, “Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”

The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off, so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all; therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil, drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three, and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not 100!”

“Oh yes, it most certainly is”, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent,

“Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100.

[getmoreshares]

The wife told her husband, "Let's go antique shopping today. I'm feeling Victorian."
"No," he said, "let's not... I'm feeling baroque!"

I accidently took my cat's meds last night.
Don't ask meow.

Why is bread like the Sun? It rises in the yeast and sets in the Waist.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low.

I told a joke on a Zoom meeting for work....... Nobody laughed.
Turns out, I'm not even remotely funny.

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

The baker's wife said "Honey, I loaf you..." ..
...to which he responded "Right baguette 'cha!"

An Irishman walks out of a bar...
Well, it could happen.

The girls in high school used to call me Bounty
because I was the quicker pecker-up er.

She has ear rings, a nose ring, lip ring, tongue ring, and nipple rings.
So why did she slap me when I asked her if she wanted a finger-ring ?

A drunk guy just reupholstered my boat seats.
He's a recovering alcoholic.

I saw a native Australian guy playing "Mama Mia" on his didgeridoo.
I thought, "Now that's very ABBAriginal."

What's the difference between a casual dress party and a pirate orgy ?
One is come as you are, and the other is arrrr as you come.

Chuck Norris tells his wife to calm down during an argument.
And she does.

A guy went to the dentist for a root canal.
"This is gonna hurt, are you ready?"
"Whenever you're ready, doc"
"I have been sleeping with your wife for the last three months"

D.E.I. hires are not welcome at the Pentagon.
D.U.I. / D.W.I. no problemo.

A man found a lamp on the beach, rubbed it and out popped a genie!
As you might expect, the genie said, "Thank you for releasing me -- I grant you three wishes!"
Without hesitation the man said, "For my first wish, I want you to get a hearing aid."
The genie was perplexed and said, "That's an odd wish. May I ask why that?"
"Well, I've heard horror stories about wishes before and I really don't need a million ducks or a 12 inch pianist."

I told my wife I want to build a model of Mt. Everest.
She said, "to scale ?" I said, "No, just to look at."

Wife has a peekaboo negligee.
First you peek, then you boo.

A friend of mine dressed as Bill Gates one Halloween and he looked nothing like him
but the next year he dressed as Jim Morrison and the costume was perfect.
I told him he makes a much better door than a window.

I’m developing an app to connect people suffering from Lyme Disease.
I’m gonna call it tick talk.

Dentist: "Do you smoke or drink coffee ?"
Me: "I drink it."

[getmoreshares]

[Giovanni]

https://www.aol.com/yorkie-outrageous-tantrum-treats-run-151500598.html

[getmoreshares]

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

When getting paid in gold coins, pirates used to
verify their purity by biting into them.
( criminals accepting payment in bitcoins goes back a long way )

On a nature trip....................
Dad: "Up there is a family of swallows."
Son: "That's so cool."
Daughter: "Where's mommy swallow ?"
Dad: "I haven't seen mommy swallow since before you were born."

“It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.”

Why do Indigenous people hate April?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers

What do you call a fairy that puts money under your pillow when you fart?
A toot fairy

A guy and his wife are watching a boxing match on TV.
Although it was hyped as a great fight, it ends in a knockout early in the first round.
Disappointed, the husband sighs and complains, “After hearing how great it was going to be and getting myself all excited, I was looking forward to having an extended good time. And then in the end it only lasted for 30 seconds!”
“So?,” replied his wife. “Welcome to my world!.”

What did the tired dragon make for dinner ?
Flamin' yawn.

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men: One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the King of the Jungle knows readers digest and writers' cramp.

And oldie but a goodie...
In thirty years, a husband never gave his wife an orgasm... And, since in Judaism a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult the Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young man, to watch you having sex... give him a towel and while the two of you are making love, have the young man wave the towel over you both... That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man with a great build... and he waves a towel over them as they make love... But. it does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi, the husband says it didn't work."
And the Rabbi says... "Okay,' then try it reversed... Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home, they hire the same strapping young man... and tell him what he must do...
The young man gets into bed with the wife and gets to work with great enthusiasm as the husband waves the towel...
Soon the wife is in the throws of passion and she has an enormous, room shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm!!!.
Afterward... the husband stands next to the bed with the towel and a big smile... As he looks at his wife, who is still shaking from her experience, and he looks at the young man, he says triumphantly...
"You see that, you schmuck?!? THAT is how you wave a towel...l!!"

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married,
and has 12 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries shortly after, and has another 15 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row asks, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

You've seen it in all the commercials...but what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?
I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, that she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help me. I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist.
The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute. I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses."

[2morrowsGains]

💩I thought I farted but I shit...

[getmoreshares]

Everyman that gets out of the shower in the morning 😂🤭😎🤷‍♂️

pic.twitter.com/Kl7hpnHJVe

— 💥⚜️ S I G ⚜️💥 (@PURE_BL00D2) April 16, 2025

[getmoreshares]

SMH- SICKO

[Giovanni]

Just threw up my cookies:

Chinese snack shop offers to transform placentas into health benefit pills for women
Outlet which grinds afterbirth together with ginseng to make ‘health promoting’ capsules subjected to official probe

A snack shop in China is being investigated over its sale of placenta pills. Photo: SCMP composite/Shutterstock
Yating Yangin Beijing
Published: 9:00am, 16 Apr 2025Updated: 1:13pm, 16 Apr 2025

A Chinese snack shop that advertises “placenta processing” services and sells capsules made from afterbirth, purportedly to boost health, has sparked criticism and an official investigation.

The controversy came to light on April 6 when a netizen shared online that Auntie Congee’s Snack Shop, near the Changzhou Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine in Jiangsu province, southeastern China, was allegedly processing human placentas and selling them in capsule form.

Images circulated online clearly showing the shop’s signboard boldly stating “placenta processing.”




The business charged 800 yuan (US$110) if the customer did not provide their own placenta and 300 yuan if they did, claiming that “all the placentas used were sourced from new mothers in hospital”.

The shop owner, who previously worked in post-partum recovery services, said that she can connect customers with maternity matrons.

The shop in southeastern China advertises its wares both on and offline. Photo: Baidu
The shop in southeastern China advertises its wares both on and offline. Photo: Baidu
In addition to the snack shop, the owner also runs an online shop called Zixuan Maternity Matron Centre.

The online shop offers post-partum services, including maternity care, childcare, meal preparation for new mothers, placenta processing, and post-partum recovery services.

Promotional materials show the process of grinding placentas with ingredients like ginseng powder and making the mixture into capsules.

The capsules are labelled ziheche, which is the traditional Chinese medicine term for placenta.

A poster highlights the purported benefits of placentas, noting that they are rich in protein and nutrients.

It also advertises two processing methods, patented freezing and traditional, allowing customers to watch the entire process in person.

On April 8, the Changzhou Municipal Health Commission told Jimu News that they have begun an investigation into the shop.

“The snack shop has been shut down for rectification. We are currently investigating the source of the placentas. Preliminary findings indicate that they did not come from any hospital,” said a staff member.

In traditional Chinese medicine, placentas have historically been believed to replenish energy, nourish blood, and are often recommended for people suffering from physical weakness, chronic coughing, or infertility.

However, due to safety and ethical concerns, the Chinese Pharmacopoeia removed placentas as an approved ingredient in 2015.

According to legal regulations in China, placentas belong to post-partum mothers, who have the sole right to decide on their disposal, and the sale of placentas by any individual or organisation is forbidden.

Traditional Chinese medicine holds that consuming placentas can treat a range of ailments. Photo Shutterstock
Traditional Chinese medicine holds that consuming placentas can treat a range of ailments. Photo Shutterstock
The controversy, reported by the Yangtze Evening News, has sparked a wave of criticism online.

One person said: “I really cannot believe that there are people who eat placenta as food. It is so disgusting.”

“It is already the year 2025! Who even believes in such nonsense? And treating women as some kind of ‘superfood’, is that not objectifying women?” said another.

While a third person said: “This is not surprising at all. In the past, hospitals would ask mothers whether they wanted to keep their placentas. If they did, it was usually consumed as food.”

[getmoreshares]

[Giovanni]

All women crew testing out the World's largest vibrating rocket

All women crew testing out the World's largest vibrating rocket

The memes will write themselves 😂 pic.twitter.com/CRcwvBgntz

— Winston Alexander ⚡️🇺🇲 (@_BitcoinCapital) April 13, 2025

Apr 13
Katy Perry & Co. Celebrity Female Astronauts are about to be blasted off into Space.

I just can’t…..🤣

[getmoreshares]

[getmoreshares]

[getmoreshares]

[Giovanni]

[Giovanni]

[Giovanni]

[Giovanni]

<img src="https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b7a6423067f42e97774b841112102c5bfd6c7164ccb787df6d331d9be1f11f10.jpg"/>;

[getmoreshares]

SMH-- LOL

[Giovanni]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NTFq3cigM8&t=81s

[Giovanni]

https://www.facebook.com/reel/2065558787220884

[getmoreshares]

[getmoreshares]

[2morrowsGains]

LOL,😆

[getmoreshares]

GROANER- Today, police found a getaway car with an incomplete set of stolen golf clubs.

They are still looking for the driver.

[MiamiGent]

Me too!

TY all posters.

[getmoreshares]