Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.
There are holes in both my shoes.
That's how I get my feet in.
I watched hockey before it was cool.
It's called water polo.
I learned how to make a banana split............
...........................at Sundae School.
I got a good price on a sled for this winter....
...................but I had toboggan.
Christmas gift idea...
Buy all your nephews, nieces, sons and daughters a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, "Toys not included".
A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late
for work. When confronted by his boss, the man explained,
"You can't park anywhere near this place!"
I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today.
He wasn't happy.
What steps should you take if a tiger is running at you ?
............................................BIG ONES !
What is a small dog's favorite city ?
New Yorkie
What's a cat's favorite song ?
Three Blind Mice
Why do giraffes have such long necks ?
Their feet stink.
Why don't bears wear shoes ?
Wouldn't matter..................................they'd still have bear feet.
So Alec Baldwin told a morning show that he doesn't want any more children.
He should have been shooting blanks 2 years ago on the set of 'Rust".
Why does Mrs. Claus wish Santa was more like a stocking ?
Because stockings are hung !
How did Noah see the animals on the Ark at night
He used flood lighting.
What do you give a dog with a fever ?
Mustard ( always good for hot dogs )
I've been in love with the same woman for 25 years.
Sure as hell hope my wife doesn't find out.
Every man wants a beautiful, smart, loving wife.
Too bad polygamy is illegal.
Two spiders who just got married:
newlywebs
My wife and I share my sense of humor...........
......................because she doesn't have one.
My wife and I are clear on this.................
I don't control her life............................and I don't control mine.
