A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding
in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat
so I threw it in the pool.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is
a stationary bike.
It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
People who say "Money doesn't grow on trees"
don't understand the paper making process.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house
don't tell them you need it by a certain date.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other
coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.... and dates.
Went to buy condoms and the cashier said
"yeah right", and put them back on the shelf.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater.
I would've preferred a moaner or a biter.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop
using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
don't normally take a dump with the door open, but I don't want to miss the in-flight movie.
Accidentally pressed the soap dispenser instead
of the toothpaste. Mouth feels clean but I don't think I'll be able to curse today.
Shucks.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing "Fortunate Son" on my boombox while watching a man die.
30 seconds left on the microwave….. Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.
"Let's do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died" ~ Really personal trainer
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest,
baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time.
Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of
people, and my Korean friend screams "HIT THE BLAKES" & I'm like "I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE"
Scientists say humans are becoming less
intelligent. I would read the whole study, but I’ll just wait for the movie.
