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A man walked into a store and told the cashier, "I’d like a hamburger and and a scoop of ice cream."
The clerk looked at him and said, "Are you an American?"
The man, clearly offended, said, "Well yes I am."
But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for fried chicken and watermelon, would you ask me if I was black?
Or if I had asked for a cheese crisp would you ask me if I was Mexican?
The clerk said, "Well, no, I guess not."
"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m an American just because I asked for a hamburger and a scoop of ice cream?"
The clerk replied, "Because this is Home Depot Mr. President."
A man was in bed with a young woman he had just met earlier in a bar. After they had done their business, and as they snuggled, he asked her "So, am I the first man you made love to?"
Squinting and focusing, she said, "Maybe, your face looks a little familiar."
My wife minored in psychology.
She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
"Yeah, I may be insecure, but we don't have a pool."
I joined an over-60 basketball league. We don't have jump balls.
The ref just puts the ball on the floor and whoever can bend down to pick it up gets possession.
I gave new meaning to the word "dribble."
good ones
liked this one especially:
After prepping for the pre-employment drug test
the woman hands me the sample jar and points to the bathroom with final instructions
no flushing , no running water, etc....
So I mustered up a sincere puzzled face and asked " where are the magazines? "
Her blank stare told me it went right over her head, the Doctor on the other side of room, however ....lost it.
I asked my wife if it was true that women think
of sex every 20 minutes. She said, "Yes, but not with you."
The biggest difference between men & women
is the meaning of the word "facial."
The only time my ex didn't fake an orgasm,
was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
I treat women like pieces of meat
I'm a vegan - I haven't touched one in years
Vegans don't beat their meat.
They beat their "0% dairy all organic tofu."
Had a fight with my wife-told her to kiss my ass
She said no, she's on a glute-free diet
Local Fireworks outlet near me is having a HUGE
sale on Telsa Battery packs....
After prepping for the pre-employment drug test
the woman hands me the sample jar and points to the bathroom with final instructions
no flushing , no running water, etc....
So I mustered up a sincere puzzled face and asked " where are the magazines? "
Her blank stare told me it went right over her head, the Doctor on the other side of room, however ....lost it.
Although we've been married 47 years, my wife and I have sex almost every night.
We almost had it on Monday, we almost had it on Tuesday, we almost had it on Wednesday.....
Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other:
"My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!.....
Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
I'm in a Walmart parking lot Watching a woman
Who can't remember where she parked her car.
Every time she holds her remote in the air I honk my horn.
Sad to report..........................
I "came" in a distant fourth in this year's World Masturbation Championships.
I thought I could defend my crown again this year, but I just didn't have it..
I'm still trying to come to "grips " with the loss.
Jack Mehoff was the eventual winner. It's tough to compete against these young "up and comers."
Only a biker knows why a dog sticks its head out the window...
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
Classic mindbender but still kinda funny
There are exactly threee erors in this sentence
My mother was surprised when I told her I was born again.
She said she didn't feel a thing.
I put my grandma on speed dial. ( insta-gram ).
People who take care of chickens:
Chicken tenders
Dog's favorite homework assignment:
Lab report
Winter: The season when we try to keep the house as hot
as it was in the summer when we complained about the heat.
World's first carpenter Eve was the world's first carpenter -
she made Adam's banana stand.
I have been criticized for marrying my wife for the money she inherited from her father.
That's ridiculous - I would have married her no matter who left her the money!
Stormy Daniels has a gag order.
How small is it that you have to tell someone to gag?
A guy hears a knock at the door.
He opens it up to find a snail. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street.
Five years go by.
One day he hears a knock on the door and opens it to see a snail.
The snail says, "What the heck was that about?!"
Guy says to a Blonde girl.
I bet I can guess exactly when you were born just by fondling your tits.
No way says the Blonde, go on then, so 10 minutes later the
Blonde says OK when was I born?
Guy says: Yesterday.
Blonde says don't be fucking stupid, have another go...
A guy sees his ex-wife at a bar and tells her, "I had wild sex with another woman last night but I was thinking of you all the time."
"Oh, so you miss me that much?" she asks. "No" he says "but it kept me from coming too fast".
There are three stages to a man's sex life. Tri weekly, Try weekly and Try weakly.
I informed my attorney, "I want a stipulation in my will that my wife is to inherit everything, but ONLY if she remarries within six months of my death."
"Why such an odd stipulation?" asked the attorney.
"Because," I said, "I just want to make sure that at least one person is sorry I died."
Do you know what happened 174 years ago this coming Fall....back in 1850?
California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So, basically nothing has changed except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
Jane: "I miss England."
Tarzan: "Me have no idea you beauty pageant winner."
I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
“That’s not a lizard,” the store clerk told me.
“That’s a stand-up chameleon.”
First Day at Work...
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
A mean looking cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found that his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired four shots into the ceiling.
The saloon fell silent.
"Which one of you yellow belly sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
Nobody uttered a word.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and I’m warning you all, if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! and I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas again!!!”.
He fired two more bullets into the ceiling for emphasis.
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk all the way home by myself in the dark ."
Ancient Rome -
Roman #1: "Do you know how many women I've slept with ?"
Roman #2: "mmm....................................."
Roman #1: "Oh, no..................not nearly that many"
My daughter took a Roman Numeral math test
I hope she gets a C
Who is in favor of bringing Roman numerals back?
I for one.
Every morning, I take my cow on a long walk
through the local vineyard.
I herd it through the grapevine.
Robinhood and his band of "Merrymen" were having an evening of R &R while camped in Sherwood Forest.
Friar Tuck was imbibing in the Ale a lot and was getting way too loud and boisterous!
Robinhood became fearful that all the noise might reveal the location of their camp to the Sheriff of Nottingham and his posse.
He and a few of his "Merrymen" dragged Friar Tuck to a nearby lake and tossed him in, thinking that the chilly water might have a sobering and silencing effect.
They were wrong, which only goes to prove that "You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse!"
On doctor's orders, George had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.
George's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."
On doctor's orders, George had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.
George's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."
A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.
The little boy left the table to use the restroom by him- self. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world
I told them to get lost ...............
.Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager asked, “Do you mind waiting a bit?”
I said, “No”.
“Good,” he said. “Take these drinks to table nine.”
I hope they know about shrinkage! 😲 pic.twitter.com/nFJ8e8C73o
— Fish Heads (@FishHeadsSports) January 19, 2024
I'm more likely to believe the prostitute pic.twitter.com/1Vudgf3LEe
— NahBabyNah (@NahBabyNah) January 19, 2024
Poor guy... pic.twitter.com/k8uMGmWPFP
— Steve (@oldguy_steve) January 19, 2024
Once I got married, people stopped asking me about my sex life.
They already knew I no longer had one.
Marriage is full of surprises, like.............
"Do you have to do that right now ?"
Little Johnny: ( spits out food )
Mom: "BILLY ! we swallow what we have in our mouth !"
Dad: ( looks at mom )
Mom: "Shut up"
Einstein ( to wife ): "Tell me what you need.."
Wife: "I just need some space and time."
Einstein: "Ok, what's the second thing ?"
I went to the Space Museum. They have a lot of it.
When I look in a mirror
and see grey hair, tiny
wrinkles and dimming eyes,
I think "They sure don't
make mirrors like they used to."
Doctor: "Do you participate in dangerous activities ?"
Me: "Well, sometimes I argue with my wife."
Husband and wife are hard asleep................
Suddenly, the wife blurts out, "Quick, my husband is home !"
This wakes up the husband from a dead sleep and he jumps out the window.
Wife: "You know what ? I refuse to talk to you about this anymore !"
( ten seconds later ): "And you know what else ?"
Just had a big argument with my wife about going on vacation..
I wanted to go to Rome, and she wanted to come along.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beach, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the birch says to the beach, "Is that a son of a beach or a son of a birch?" The birch says that he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beach or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small sapling tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beach nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
A fart is like success.
It only bothers you when it's not your own.
The republicans have made a joke on trickle-down economics ...
but, hardly anyone will get it.
Remember, before the internet, how everybody thought that the cause of stupidity was limited access to information?
"I'm not saying that your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying that the canary was alive before you showed up."
Did you know that there is not one canary in the Canary Islands? Same thing on the Virgin Isles — not one canary.
My neighbor won $4 million on the lottery last weekend -- so he decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now he has $3,999,999.75.
At the store today there was an X on the floor for me to stand on. I've seen too many RoadRunner cartoons to fall for that crap.
"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others." (Henry Youngman)
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'" (Rita Rudner)
"Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks." (Jean Kerr)
"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison." (Tim Allen)
"I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags." (Gwyneth Paltrow)
Aliens are going to be super confused when they
show up threatening to overthrow our leaders,
and we are all stoked and offer to help.
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Mary: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions . . . like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
How bad is inflation? I'll tell ya how bad!
I just received a pre-declined credit card application in the mail.
And ExxonMobil just laid off 25 congressman.
It's terrible out here..
Clean Breakfast...
Joe: "This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast."
Sam: "I bet you were mad."
Joe: "Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!"
Waiter: "How would you like your steak, sir ?"
Me: "Like winning an argument with my wife."
Waiter: "OK, rare it is then."
Wife: "Why did you cheat on me ?"
Me: "She was lying on the table naked. What was I supposed to do ?
Wife: "Perform the damn autopsy !"
I saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this
morning. That can only mean one thing.................................................it's laundry day.
A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five-dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar.
The bartender picked up the five-dollar bill, folded it carefully, and tucked it in his vest pocket.
Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him.
Doing a bit of fast thinking, he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five-dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."
My Forgetter...
My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say, "What am I here for?"
I rack my brain, but all in vain
A zero is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "Who was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
When I argue with my wife, I always get the last
word in........................................................................................"Sorry"
My wife takes the stairs and I take the elevator
( we were raised differently )
Doctor: "Your wife is in the hospital."
Me: "How is she ?"
Doc: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Yeah, you'll get used to it after a while."
Chuck Norris took a CPR class.
He resuscitated the dummy, who now lives in Colorado with his wife and two kids.
A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the governor -- it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer.
After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place," begged the attorney.
"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the funeral home," replied the governor.
We received about 20 inches of snow this week so
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it should have been two snowmen instead.
8:22 - The transgender man / woman / person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not to be used to decorate snow figures.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.
8:37 - Then I was accused of using a black face on the snow person.
8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered.
8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The 'council on equality' officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything, marched down the street demanding that I be arrested.
9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.
10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman...
farside- good today- up in the sticky link
That was really fantastic! Thanks for posting it.
But....I have one quiblle.
You neglected to communicate a warning to the potential listeners. I'll do it for you.
WARNING! Does NOT contail profanity. No F, MF or N words are uttered!
Although a bit long, every second brings a laugh.
LOL Some really good exchanges in there.
like History repeating itself
What were the Radical Republicans most concerned with in 1864 and 1865?
Hint:
securing civil rights for freed slaves.
barring ex-Confederates from political office.
seeking restitution from Confederate states.
preventing Andrew Johnson's ascent to the presidency.
some good ones there
Seniors' favorite board game: Sorry....I forgot
We'll be friends until we're old and senile.....
Then we'll be new friends.
Why did the senior cross the road ?
He forgot where he parked his car.
I don't travel anymore. I'm where I want to be.
I'm not feeling well
I don't know if it's Covid, Sars, Bird Flu, Swine Flu, Mers, Ebola, Asian Flu, Spanish Flu, Russian Flu,
or the 4 pounds of bacon I ate
This was an odd year.
Next year will get even though.
I don't support Biden, but I would never denigrate his supporters.
If you're a Biden supporter, "denigrate" means "to put down."
Looking for a wife
A guy advertised online for a wife.
He got 200 replies in the first hour.
Most of them said “You can have mine.”
A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After he was sworn in, the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.
After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident, he finally got around to the meat of the case: "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."
A man in an interrogation room says,
“I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Trump said "It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world. Believe me."
This guy asked me what I did for a living.
I said, "breathe in, breathe out."
I thought about cleaning the house, but then I
thought...........................what has the house done for me lately ?
The only instant messaging I do is with my middle finger.
Joe Biden is doing the work of three men.
Larry, Curley and Moe.
Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.
The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
Shout out to my golfing buddies.................
.......................cuz that's the only way they can hear me.
I'm rich.....................................
Silver in my hair, gold in my teeth, crystals in my kidney, and sugar in my blood.
My wife got me to stop chewing my nails.
She hid my teeth.
It took all this time to get my head together.
Now my body is falling apart.
How are Kobe Bryant and Melania Trump similar?
They both got rich by playing with orange balls.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids?
A Traffic Cone!
What did you expect me to say....
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
A Sunday school teacher said to the children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.
But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
I play on a senior hockey team.
The other night I scored three goals ( a geri-hat-trick ).
As a former pastry chef, I know that old age can
really crepe up on you.
Doctor (to me): "Age got muffin on you."
I have a structured retirement..................
( a rigid nap schedule).
At my age, I turn down the lights to be
economical....................not to be romantic.
It means that YOU get a lump of coal for Christmas! Speaking which, Merry Christmas to everyone!
Lets see if you can figure this out.
I am feeling very lugubrious today. They say it is help full to share your feelings with others. It is a sad day in a mans life. When he comes home for lunch and finds his best friend in bed with his wife. I can't understand it. My best friend Dave. Has never come home for lunch before.
Best of luck and Merry Christmas to all.
As I was walking out the door, the wife asked...
"How long will you be gone?"
I replied; "the whole time".
Every time I think about past it brings up......
so many memories.
Someone put up a sign that read.......
"don't even think about parking here"
So I parked there without giving it a second thought.
Fixed income & inflation aside, I'm still having 'surf and turf' tonight.
I have an expired can of Spam and a can of tuna.
If you are going Christmas shopping today be nice to the retail workers.
It's not their fault you waited until Mary's water broke to start shopping.
Why did the elf put his bed in the fireplace ?
He wanted to sleep like a log.
What kind of car does an elf drive ?
A Toy-ota
Teacher ( Miss Johnson ):
"Johnny, your word is urinate. Now first spell the word, then use it in a sentence."
Little Johnny: "Yes Miss Johnson, urinate.................u-r-i-n-a-t-e."
Miss Johnson: "Very good Johnny. Now use it in a sentence."
Johnny ( thinks for a minute ): "Miss Johnson, urinate. If you had any tits you'd be a ten !"
( Little Johnny heads off to the principal's office )
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years....
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Santa is gay He just came out of the claus-et.
What does Santa clean his sleigh with ?
Santa-tizer.
Santa is good at karate. (He has a black belt)
Cross between Saint Nick and a detective.
Santa Clues
What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride ?
A Holly Davidson
I asked my Scout master if he could approve a merit badge, even tho I failed the knot tying requirement.
He said "I'm a frayed knot"
I've heard of forced wedlock, but c'mon.....
On this date in 1820, Missouri imposed a "bachelor" tax on all unmarried men between the ages of 21 and 50.
But... I guess it's still the same.
People that file single usually pay more.
Actual product you can buy off Amazon:
Happy Nuts Comfort Cream -
Un-ball-ievably fresh - Prevents chafing ( I'm not making this up, check it out )
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and he went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well. As the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
No doubt about it, joe biden is confused
but not as confused as michele obama's gynecologist
Just saw a one-thousand-year-old oil stain.
It was from ancient Greece.
What's the opposite of a croissant ?
A happy uncle.
Is it just me or do owls look like they've just
seen a vagina for the first time ?
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'"
How can you tell the age of a fake xmas tree ?
By the TAPE rings on the box !
Forget health food.
I'm at an age where I need all the preservatives I can get
As you get older your secrets are safe with your friends.
because they can't remember them either
I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
My wife texted me “I love u”.
I said that’s my favorite letter, too...
Every time I get a headache, I take 2 Ibuprofen and keep away from my children.
Just like the bottle says...
Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"
Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed..."
To teach my kids about democracy.
I let them vote on dinner.
They picked tacos.
Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
I saw a sign on a store that said ..............
Big Sale...Last Week. I went in the store and told them they needed to take their sign down if the sale is over.
Cat: "The humans have added shiny, fragile toys to the tree,
yet I'm not allowed near it. Their evil knows no bounds !"
Wife: "Why don't you say you love me anymore?"
Me: "I told you once. If anything changes, I'll let you know."
Does anyone else out there put things in a safe
place and then forget where that safe place is ?
I'd rather be over the hill................
............than under it.
All-nighter: didn't have to pee until 8:am this morning.
Do people in electric cars listen to....
AC/DC or something current?...
I rolled up a stiff carpet and smoked it.
( I'm addicted to hard rugs )
Sometimes I smoke weed in the rain..............
..................but never in hail.
I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday.
My kleptomania is getting really bad.
How do you know that you entered Nebraska?
The cows start looking better than the Women.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me anymore."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
Grandma's revenge
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied. "I remember..."
As it turns out . . .
When asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick one of your own.
The U.S. Postal Service recently issued a stamp honoring the one hundredth anniversary of the first flight by the Wright Brothers.
The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.
The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.
And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.
It sounds to me that a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio.
How do you get a farm girl's attention ?
A tractor.
What did the policeman say to his belly button ?
You're under a vest.
How do lumberjacks know how many trees they've cut ?
They keep a log.
Which state has the most streets ?
Rhode Island
could tell my boat was sick................
..........................so I took it to the dock.
A guy with a stutter just died in prison,
before he could finish his sentence.
To all of you out there who don't believe in oral sex.
.................................................keep your mouths shut.
I was walking through the cemetery this morning
and I saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone.
I said, "Morning.."
He said, "No, just taking a dump."
I was walking down the road and saw my Arab
neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, :What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"
Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.
Getting married is like getting into a bathtub.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
I'm not attracted by a girlies mind...
But by what she doesn't mind.
Guns don't kill people.... <
Husbands who come home early kill people.
There are only two four letter words that are
offensive to me - don't and stop...
unless they are used together.
Joe Biden, the 2020 Democratic front-runner crowd, left some in the crowd at the Iowa State Fair mystified when he told them: We choose truth over facts."
The 76-year-old former vice president, who loquacious style and propensity for flubbing his lines endears him to some and draws mockery from others, was ending his speech at the state fairground in Des Moines when he attempted a rousing finish.
“There is nothing we’ve ever decided to do we’ve been unable to do, he said. "Period. That’s not hyperbole. We have never, never, never failed when we’re together. And ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to get up.
"Everybody knows who Donald Trump is. Even his supporters know who he is. We got to let him know who we are. We choose unity over division. We choose science over fiction. We choose truth over facts."
Biden has a long record of stumbling over his words. Last week, he invented the term "expodentially" when speaking to reporters.
During his second presidential primary debate, he made a number of slip-ups over statistics, phrases, and titles. He incorrectly warned that “eight more years of Trump,” would “change America” fundamentally, though Trump is constitutionally limited to four more years after his term expires. His request that viewers to "go to Joe 30..330" - he appeared to mix up texting and going to a website - went viral.
It was at the Iowa State Fair in 1987 when Biden sealed his ignominious fate in the first of his three presidential runs by using phrases from a speech by British opposition leader Neil Kinnock without attribution. Weeks later, he dropped out amid multiple claims of plagiarism and exaggeration.
His second presidential run was in 2008, when he dropped out after receiving 0.9% of the vote in the Iowa caucuses, finishing fifth behind Barack Obama, John Edwards, Hillary Clinton, and Bill Richardson.
News 2020 Elections Joe Biden Iowa Campaigns
Attended a Democrat meeting. They recognized me as a conservative and asked me to make like a leaf and leave. So I did..
https://www.facebook.com/100093024165692/videos/190011004140177
Post your best ones here...
Please, not too blue. Remember, our children may be reading these, too. And language...what is "adult language?"...if it is wrong, it is wrong. Smut gets removed.
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