Once I got married, people stopped asking me about my sex life.
They already knew I no longer had one.
Marriage is full of surprises, like.............
"Do you have to do that right now ?"
Little Johnny: ( spits out food )
Mom: "BILLY ! we swallow what we have in our mouth !"
Dad: ( looks at mom )
Mom: "Shut up"
Einstein ( to wife ): "Tell me what you need.."
Wife: "I just need some space and time."
Einstein: "Ok, what's the second thing ?"
I went to the Space Museum. They have a lot of it.
When I look in a mirror
and see grey hair, tiny
wrinkles and dimming eyes,
I think "They sure don't
make mirrors like they used to."
Doctor: "Do you participate in dangerous activities ?"
Me: "Well, sometimes I argue with my wife."
Husband and wife are hard asleep................
Suddenly, the wife blurts out, "Quick, my husband is home !"
This wakes up the husband from a dead sleep and he jumps out the window.
Wife: "You know what ? I refuse to talk to you about this anymore !"
( ten seconds later ): "And you know what else ?"
Just had a big argument with my wife about going on vacation..
I wanted to go to Rome, and she wanted to come along.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beach, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the birch says to the beach, "Is that a son of a beach or a son of a birch?" The birch says that he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beach or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small sapling tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beach nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
A fart is like success.
It only bothers you when it's not your own.
The republicans have made a joke on trickle-down economics ...
but, hardly anyone will get it.
Remember, before the internet, how everybody thought that the cause of stupidity was limited access to information?
"I'm not saying that your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying that the canary was alive before you showed up."
Did you know that there is not one canary in the Canary Islands? Same thing on the Virgin Isles — not one canary.
My neighbor won $4 million on the lottery last weekend -- so he decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now he has $3,999,999.75.
At the store today there was an X on the floor for me to stand on. I've seen too many RoadRunner cartoons to fall for that crap.
