As I was walking out the door, the wife asked...
"How long will you be gone?"
I replied; "the whole time".
Every time I think about past it brings up......
so many memories.
Someone put up a sign that read.......
"don't even think about parking here"
So I parked there without giving it a second thought.
Fixed income & inflation aside, I'm still having 'surf and turf' tonight.
I have an expired can of Spam and a can of tuna.
If you are going Christmas shopping today be nice to the retail workers.
It's not their fault you waited until Mary's water broke to start shopping.
Why did the elf put his bed in the fireplace ?
He wanted to sleep like a log.
What kind of car does an elf drive ?
A Toy-ota
Teacher ( Miss Johnson ):
"Johnny, your word is urinate. Now first spell the word, then use it in a sentence."
Little Johnny: "Yes Miss Johnson, urinate.................u-r-i-n-a-t-e."
Miss Johnson: "Very good Johnny. Now use it in a sentence."
Johnny ( thinks for a minute ): "Miss Johnson, urinate. If you had any tits you'd be a ten !"
( Little Johnny heads off to the principal's office )
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years....
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Santa is gay He just came out of the claus-et.
What does Santa clean his sleigh with ?
Santa-tizer.
Santa is good at karate. (He has a black belt)
Cross between Saint Nick and a detective.
Santa Clues
What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride ?
A Holly Davidson
I asked my Scout master if he could approve a merit badge, even tho I failed the knot tying requirement.
He said "I'm a frayed knot"
I've heard of forced wedlock, but c'mon.....
On this date in 1820, Missouri imposed a "bachelor" tax on all unmarried men between the ages of 21 and 50.
But... I guess it's still the same.
People that file single usually pay more.
Actual product you can buy off Amazon:
Happy Nuts Comfort Cream -
Un-ball-ievably fresh - Prevents chafing ( I'm not making this up, check it out )
