Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

I informed my attorney, "I want a stipulation in my will that my wife is to inherit everything, but ONLY if she remarries within six months of my death."
"Why such an odd stipulation?" asked the attorney.
"Because," I said, "I just want to make sure that at least one person is sorry I died."

Do you know what happened 174 years ago this coming Fall....back in 1850?
California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So, basically nothing has changed except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

Jane: "I miss England."
Tarzan: "Me have no idea you beauty pageant winner."

I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
“That’s not a lizard,” the store clerk told me.
“That’s a stand-up chameleon.”