Just saw a one-thousand-year-old oil stain.
It was from ancient Greece.
What's the opposite of a croissant ?
A happy uncle.
Is it just me or do owls look like they've just
seen a vagina for the first time ?
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'"
How can you tell the age of a fake xmas tree ?
By the TAPE rings on the box !
Forget health food.
I'm at an age where I need all the preservatives I can get
As you get older your secrets are safe with your friends.
because they can't remember them either
I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
My wife texted me “I love u”.
I said that’s my favorite letter, too...
Every time I get a headache, I take 2 Ibuprofen and keep away from my children.
Just like the bottle says...
Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"
Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed..."
To teach my kids about democracy.
I let them vote on dinner.
They picked tacos.
Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
I saw a sign on a store that said ..............
Big Sale...Last Week. I went in the store and told them they needed to take their sign down if the sale is over.
Cat: "The humans have added shiny, fragile toys to the tree,
yet I'm not allowed near it. Their evil knows no bounds !"
Wife: "Why don't you say you love me anymore?"
Me: "I told you once. If anything changes, I'll let you know."
Does anyone else out there put things in a safe
place and then forget where that safe place is ?
I'd rather be over the hill................
............than under it.
All-nighter: didn't have to pee until 8:am this morning.
Do people in electric cars listen to....
AC/DC or something current?...
