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some good ones there
Seniors' favorite board game: Sorry....I forgot
We'll be friends until we're old and senile.....
Then we'll be new friends.
Why did the senior cross the road ?
He forgot where he parked his car.
I don't travel anymore. I'm where I want to be.
I'm not feeling well
I don't know if it's Covid, Sars, Bird Flu, Swine Flu, Mers, Ebola, Asian Flu, Spanish Flu, Russian Flu,
or the 4 pounds of bacon I ate
This was an odd year.
Next year will get even though.
I don't support Biden, but I would never denigrate his supporters.
If you're a Biden supporter, "denigrate" means "to put down."
Looking for a wife
A guy advertised online for a wife.
He got 200 replies in the first hour.
Most of them said “You can have mine.”
A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After he was sworn in, the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.
After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident, he finally got around to the meat of the case: "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."
A man in an interrogation room says,
“I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Trump said "It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world. Believe me."
This guy asked me what I did for a living.
I said, "breathe in, breathe out."
I thought about cleaning the house, but then I
thought...........................what has the house done for me lately ?
The only instant messaging I do is with my middle finger.
Joe Biden is doing the work of three men.
Larry, Curley and Moe.
Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.
The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
Shout out to my golfing buddies.................
.......................cuz that's the only way they can hear me.
I'm rich.....................................
Silver in my hair, gold in my teeth, crystals in my kidney, and sugar in my blood.
My wife got me to stop chewing my nails.
She hid my teeth.
It took all this time to get my head together.
Now my body is falling apart.
How are Kobe Bryant and Melania Trump similar?
They both got rich by playing with orange balls.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids?
A Traffic Cone!
What did you expect me to say....
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
A Sunday school teacher said to the children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.
But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
I play on a senior hockey team.
The other night I scored three goals ( a geri-hat-trick ).
As a former pastry chef, I know that old age can
really crepe up on you.
Doctor (to me): "Age got muffin on you."
I have a structured retirement..................
( a rigid nap schedule).
At my age, I turn down the lights to be
economical....................not to be romantic.
It means that YOU get a lump of coal for Christmas! Speaking which, Merry Christmas to everyone!
Lets see if you can figure this out.
I am feeling very lugubrious today. They say it is help full to share your feelings with others. It is a sad day in a mans life. When he comes home for lunch and finds his best friend in bed with his wife. I can't understand it. My best friend Dave. Has never come home for lunch before.
Best of luck and Merry Christmas to all.
As I was walking out the door, the wife asked...
"How long will you be gone?"
I replied; "the whole time".
Every time I think about past it brings up......
so many memories.
Someone put up a sign that read.......
"don't even think about parking here"
So I parked there without giving it a second thought.
Fixed income & inflation aside, I'm still having 'surf and turf' tonight.
I have an expired can of Spam and a can of tuna.
If you are going Christmas shopping today be nice to the retail workers.
It's not their fault you waited until Mary's water broke to start shopping.
Why did the elf put his bed in the fireplace ?
He wanted to sleep like a log.
What kind of car does an elf drive ?
A Toy-ota
Teacher ( Miss Johnson ):
"Johnny, your word is urinate. Now first spell the word, then use it in a sentence."
Little Johnny: "Yes Miss Johnson, urinate.................u-r-i-n-a-t-e."
Miss Johnson: "Very good Johnny. Now use it in a sentence."
Johnny ( thinks for a minute ): "Miss Johnson, urinate. If you had any tits you'd be a ten !"
( Little Johnny heads off to the principal's office )
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years....
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Santa is gay He just came out of the claus-et.
What does Santa clean his sleigh with ?
Santa-tizer.
Santa is good at karate. (He has a black belt)
Cross between Saint Nick and a detective.
Santa Clues
What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride ?
A Holly Davidson
I asked my Scout master if he could approve a merit badge, even tho I failed the knot tying requirement.
He said "I'm a frayed knot"
I've heard of forced wedlock, but c'mon.....
On this date in 1820, Missouri imposed a "bachelor" tax on all unmarried men between the ages of 21 and 50.
But... I guess it's still the same.
People that file single usually pay more.
Actual product you can buy off Amazon:
Happy Nuts Comfort Cream -
Un-ball-ievably fresh - Prevents chafing ( I'm not making this up, check it out )
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and he went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well. As the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
No doubt about it, joe biden is confused
but not as confused as michele obama's gynecologist
Just saw a one-thousand-year-old oil stain.
It was from ancient Greece.
What's the opposite of a croissant ?
A happy uncle.
Is it just me or do owls look like they've just
seen a vagina for the first time ?
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'"
How can you tell the age of a fake xmas tree ?
By the TAPE rings on the box !
Forget health food.
I'm at an age where I need all the preservatives I can get
As you get older your secrets are safe with your friends.
because they can't remember them either
I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
My wife texted me “I love u”.
I said that’s my favorite letter, too...
Every time I get a headache, I take 2 Ibuprofen and keep away from my children.
Just like the bottle says...
Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"
Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed..."
To teach my kids about democracy.
I let them vote on dinner.
They picked tacos.
Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
I saw a sign on a store that said ..............
Big Sale...Last Week. I went in the store and told them they needed to take their sign down if the sale is over.
Cat: "The humans have added shiny, fragile toys to the tree,
yet I'm not allowed near it. Their evil knows no bounds !"
Wife: "Why don't you say you love me anymore?"
Me: "I told you once. If anything changes, I'll let you know."
Does anyone else out there put things in a safe
place and then forget where that safe place is ?
I'd rather be over the hill................
............than under it.
All-nighter: didn't have to pee until 8:am this morning.
Do people in electric cars listen to....
AC/DC or something current?...
I rolled up a stiff carpet and smoked it.
( I'm addicted to hard rugs )
Sometimes I smoke weed in the rain..............
..................but never in hail.
I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday.
My kleptomania is getting really bad.
How do you know that you entered Nebraska?
The cows start looking better than the Women.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me anymore."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
Grandma's revenge
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied. "I remember..."
As it turns out . . .
When asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick one of your own.
The U.S. Postal Service recently issued a stamp honoring the one hundredth anniversary of the first flight by the Wright Brothers.
The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.
The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.
And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.
It sounds to me that a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio.
How do you get a farm girl's attention ?
A tractor.
What did the policeman say to his belly button ?
You're under a vest.
How do lumberjacks know how many trees they've cut ?
They keep a log.
Which state has the most streets ?
Rhode Island
could tell my boat was sick................
..........................so I took it to the dock.
A guy with a stutter just died in prison,
before he could finish his sentence.
To all of you out there who don't believe in oral sex.
.................................................keep your mouths shut.
I was walking through the cemetery this morning
and I saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone.
I said, "Morning.."
He said, "No, just taking a dump."
I was walking down the road and saw my Arab
neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, :What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"
Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.
Getting married is like getting into a bathtub.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
I'm not attracted by a girlies mind...
But by what she doesn't mind.
Guns don't kill people.... <
Husbands who come home early kill people.
There are only two four letter words that are
offensive to me - don't and stop...
unless they are used together.
Joe Biden, the 2020 Democratic front-runner crowd, left some in the crowd at the Iowa State Fair mystified when he told them: We choose truth over facts."
The 76-year-old former vice president, who loquacious style and propensity for flubbing his lines endears him to some and draws mockery from others, was ending his speech at the state fairground in Des Moines when he attempted a rousing finish.
“There is nothing we’ve ever decided to do we’ve been unable to do, he said. "Period. That’s not hyperbole. We have never, never, never failed when we’re together. And ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to get up.
"Everybody knows who Donald Trump is. Even his supporters know who he is. We got to let him know who we are. We choose unity over division. We choose science over fiction. We choose truth over facts."
Biden has a long record of stumbling over his words. Last week, he invented the term "expodentially" when speaking to reporters.
During his second presidential primary debate, he made a number of slip-ups over statistics, phrases, and titles. He incorrectly warned that “eight more years of Trump,” would “change America” fundamentally, though Trump is constitutionally limited to four more years after his term expires. His request that viewers to "go to Joe 30..330" - he appeared to mix up texting and going to a website - went viral.
It was at the Iowa State Fair in 1987 when Biden sealed his ignominious fate in the first of his three presidential runs by using phrases from a speech by British opposition leader Neil Kinnock without attribution. Weeks later, he dropped out amid multiple claims of plagiarism and exaggeration.
His second presidential run was in 2008, when he dropped out after receiving 0.9% of the vote in the Iowa caucuses, finishing fifth behind Barack Obama, John Edwards, Hillary Clinton, and Bill Richardson.
News 2020 Elections Joe Biden Iowa Campaigns
Attended a Democrat meeting. They recognized me as a conservative and asked me to make like a leaf and leave. So I did..
https://www.facebook.com/100093024165692/videos/190011004140177
— MicheleWojciechowski (@TheMicheleWojo) December 14, 2023
Marriage and Men...
- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home.
- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face.
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.
- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects that prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!
You know you're a Floridian if.....
Socks are only for GOLF. And Golf is still only for yuppies and non-natives.
A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
Your winter coat is made of denim.
Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.
You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix. (AMEN!!!!)
Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.
You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
You dread love bug season.
You know what a snowbird is and ......when they'll leave.
'Down South' means Key West.
Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for golf and church.
You have a drawer full of shorts, and one sweatshirt.
You know the four seasons really are: Hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer.
You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Withlacoochee , Thonotosassa, Okefenokee, Ponte Vedra, Boca Raton, and Micanopy.
You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.
You know what is meant when someone says "Florida is the only state where the farther south you go the farther north you get!"
You recognize Miami-Dade as ' Northern Cuba ' or South New Yawk.
What does the Canadian guy say after drinking an IPA?
"I pee, eh?"
A few years ago the Pope visited New York and was taken around by Henry Kissinger. They visited the Bronx Zoo and Kissinger showed the Pope one cage where a lion was with a young lamb, which snuggled up next to the lion.
The Pope was amazed. "For 2000 years, we've prayed for signs of the messianic era and the prophesy that the lion will lie down next to the lamb. I see you must really be a man of peace. How did you do it?"
To which Kissinger replied, "All it needs is a new lamb a day!"
There's always two sides to every story and
I seem to be the asshole in both of them.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
And they respond: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja"
My neighbor is Bulimic
She was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...
"For goodness sake, keep it down!"
Wife: "What are you going to do today ?"
Me: "Nothing"
Wife: "You did that yesterday."
Me: "I know, ............I wasn't finished."
Getting older has its benefits.
Just say, "I'm having a senior moment" and you can get away with pretty much anything.
One cell phone to another:
"That's right dear..........................our ancestors had tails."
Old Vikings:
"Sven, we're getting old. Pill-age just doesn't have the same meaning it used to."
My wife and I were walking in the park and passed a bench with two old guys sitting on it.
My wife said, "I can't believe those are actually whistling at me." I said, "They're not whistling, they're wheezing."
A third-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down, and I turned off the lights. Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z, and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw.
Without hesitation he replied, "Consonants."
Sign of our times...
A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school. However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said,
'Don't feel bad fella'...they won't let ME in either'.
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old mother says, "Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."
Just wondering.................
Do 3 glasses of wine and 2 Bloody Marys equal 5 servings of fruit and vegetables ?
My doctor told me to get off the couch.
So now I watch TV in bed..............problem solved.
Junk: Something you keep around for years
and throw out just before you need it.
absolute freshness guaranteed
insert-text-here
Who put the pecker on the snowman?...
Santa Claus was going to town...
Don't serve beans on Christmas night...
I am a man of my word.......................
...........................and that word is "useless."
Teacher: "What's your name ?"
Student: "D....D....D......David."
Teacher: "Do you have a stutter ?"
Student: "No, my parents do."
How are friends like snow ?
If you pee on them, they disappear.
Cannibal: Someone who walks into a restaurant
and orders the waiter.
My one regret in life.................
....................is that I'm not someone else.
My Dr. told me to "eat less fatty."
"So I should avoid things like cream or fried food?"
He clarified, "I meant that you should eat less, Fatty."
Someone stole my mood ring...
...I don't know how I feel about that!
Someone stole my camouflage clothing and my wheelchair.
They can hide, but they can't run.
I once sponsored a walk for charity.
I made so much money, I called for a taxi.
I went to a body shop yesterday.
I opened the door to the place, poked my head in and said, "Thanks, but I already have one."
I wonder what the word "dots" looks like in braille.
I was wondering....................
How fast does a Zebra have to run before it looks grey ?
After fifty years of wondering why he didn't look like his
younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve
to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were, son," his mother said as she started to cry
softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."
The Spice Girls reunion tour
(with special guests Salt-N-Pepa) was just announced.
It will be called the Allspice Seasonal Tour, presented by Old Spice
A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated
on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way: If anything
happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
I'm considering moving to Mongolia..............
.....................even though it has its pros and Khans.
Where did french fries originate from ?
Greece
I had a dream the other night. I was in the Old West riding
in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulled up to
the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse
pulled up on the right.
The man leaned down, pulled open the door, and jumped off
his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opened the other door
and jumped onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that
about?"
He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
— Mary Kurek☕🐧🇺🇲 (@Angelpenguin441) November 23, 2023
I stopped by Walmart to pick up some last minute items before tomorrow's shindig.
When I was ready to pay for my items, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to security about all the freaks walking around inside the store, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my debit card in the reader.
Anyways, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future and was trespassed from the store.
Mr. Jones died.
Later that night the funeral home calls Mrs. Jones.
"So sorry to bother you in your time of grieving, Mrs. Jones, but as you know, your husband died with an erection and we can't close the casket. What would you like us to do?"
"Well," said Mrs. Jones, "He doesn't really need it anymore, so just cut it off."
The man from the funeral home says ok, and then hangs up. A few hours later he calls back. "So sorry to bother you in your time of grieving, Mrs. Jones, but what should we do with it?"
Mrs. Jones says, "Well, He should die with it, so just shove it up his ass."
The man from the funeral home says ok, and then hangs up.
The next day at the funeral, Mrs. Jones walks up to her beloved husband, looks down at him lovingly, and she notices a tear in his eye.
So she leans down close and says, "IT HURTS, DON'T IT!!!!"
This will be the 7th year in a row my mother-in-law will be coming to our house for Thanksgiving.
I think this might be the year we let her in.
I have a soft spot for my mother-in-law.
It's in the garden right behind the garage.
The other night I picked up my mother-in-law from the airport.
Don't blame me...................those airport lounges are really dark.
Pharmacist ( to me ):
"In order to buy arsenic, you need a legal prescription.
A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough."
I still remember what my mother-in-law said just before she died:
"Stop shaking the ladder, you little bastard !!!"
Why you should always lock your car...
An accordion player had a regular gig in a neighboring town.
He had a station wagon so he could haul his instrument easily.
One night, on the way home, he stopped for a cup of coffee.
While he was inside, he realized that he had forgotten to lock the car,
and had left his accordion in plain view in the back.
He rushed outside, but it was too late--
Someone had put another accordion in his car.
In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.
While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.
The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.
I asked the doctor why do you tap people in the knee with that rubber hammer?
and he said it's just for kicks.
One Liners...
A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.
I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the
time.
Success is getting what you like, happiness is liking what
you get.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
The trouble with a three-day weekend is that it turns
Tuesday into Monday.
You think this is a free country until you move into a
subdivision with a homeowners' association.
The world is full of willing people, some willing to work,
the rest willing to let them.
Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to
see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?
It never occurs to some people that there is a big
difference between giving advice and lending a hand.
Elections should be held on Christmas. That way, if we don't
like who we elect, we can exchange them.
If something goes without saying, let it!
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them
while driving.
If you want a new idea, read an old book.
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
You can't make your candle burn brighter by blowing out the
other fellow's.
I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35 mile zone, but I
told them I was dyslexic.
I figured out a way to slow down inflation. Turn it over to
a government worker!
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move
away is your husband.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is
that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
My wife used to have an hourglass figure........
................then the sand shifted.
Just looked up my family tree...............
.............and found three dogs using it.
When I was a boy, I use to lie in my twin bed
and wonder where my brother was.
How do you make a motherboard ?
Tell her about your job.
I can't wait until they can put wings on humans. Because if they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs,
and when they can put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex.
Thanksgiving man ! Not a good day to be my pants !
Black Friday...
Because only in America do people trample others for sales,
exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have!
Frivolous lawsuit...
A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...”
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed
in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,
and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and
found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted
on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye
and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
LOL-- have been posting jokes here: https://investorshub.advfn.com/The-Old-Timers-Club-924
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,
"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son,” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,
"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”
I stopped Chelsea Clinton for speeding a few years ago.
She said, "How dare you pull me over!! Do you know who my father is?
I said, "No, I'm just like your mom, I have no idea."
SHARED that one !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
Strange Breakfast...
I woke up this morning, got dressed, and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.
I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,
"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
This is a test for us 'older kids.'
The answers are printed below,
(after the questions)
but don't cheat. Answer them first.
01.
After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, “I don't know, but he left this behind”.
What did he leave behind? ____ ______ ______.
02.
When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964,
we all watched them on The ___ _________ Show.
03.
'Get your kicks, ____ ________ ____.'
04.
'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to
________ ____ _______.'
05.
'In the jungle, the mighty jungle,
___ _____ _____ __________.'
06.
After the Twist , the Mashed Potato , and the Watusi , we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go
in a dance called the '_____________.'
07.
Nestle's makes the very best _____________.'
08.
Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us.
His name was ____ _____________.
09.
What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? ________ _______.
10.
Red Skeleton's hobo character was named _______ ___ ________
and Red always ended his television show by saying,
'Good Night, and '_____ ________.'’
11.
Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War
did so by burning their ______ ________.
12.
The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front
was called the VW. What other names did it go by?
___ _______ & ___ __________.
13.
In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.'
This was a tribute to ________ ___________.
14.
We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it.
It was called ___________________.
15.
One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist.
It was called the ‘_______ - _______’.
ANSWERS :
01.
The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet .
02.
The Ed Sullivan Show .
03.
ON Route 66
04.
‘To protect the innocent’ .
05.
the Lion Sleeps Tonight .
06.
The limbo
07.
Chocolate
08.
Louis Armstrong
09.
The Timex watch
10.
Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'
11.
Draft cards
( Bras were also burned . Not flags, as some have guessed)
12.
Beetle or Bug
13.
Buddy Holly
14.
Sputnik
15.
Hoola-hoop
The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.
Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the Tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
The druggist...
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door
by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning
on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he
would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband
drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told
him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This
morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting
up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car,
just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house
and car keys inside and had to break a window to get
my keys."
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later,
when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were
waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and
started waiting on these people, all the time the darn
phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against
the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled
all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees
to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When
I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which
made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of
perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted
to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me
mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, a half- burned American Flag was duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.
Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely, killing everyone in the car.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... That could have been me!"
So today; bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
When Insults Had Class... < Barack--Obama > 2023-11-17 17:24
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
LMAO. Passing this along.
A health reminder to all Democratic women.
It's time for your annual prostate check.
Here's one for you:
I tried donating blood today…
NEVER AGAIN!
Too many stupid questions:
Who’s blood is it? Where did you get it from?
Why is it in a bucket?
Global Dating Protocol...
British WOMEN:
First date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date:
You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date:
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date:
You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary:
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary:
You find yourself a Mistress.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date:
Meet her parents.
Second date:
Set the date of the wedding.
Third date:
Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date:
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date:
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date:
You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date:
She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have
sex in the back of her car.
Second Date:
She's pregnant.
Third Date:
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date:
You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date:
You take a loan to keep the image
Third Date:
You're broke, she finds someone wealthier
The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this:
You know you're from California if...
1. Your coworker has 8-body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can't afford to buy a house
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . .. is pot legal or illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember... is pot legal or illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S
11. Unlike anywhere else in the world, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13 You can't remember.... is pot legal or illegal?
14 It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'
15 You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
16 It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17 HEY!!!! Is pot legal or illegal?
18 Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator was your governator.
20 If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're in the United States illegally, they give you one...
DEBT CEILING FOR DUMMIES!!!!
This is a simple but effective way to explain to the illiterate the issue of the day !!!
THE DEBT CEILING
Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
Many Republicans don't understand the DEBT CEILING
NO ONE understands THE DEBT CEILING SO
Allow me to explain... Let's say you come home from work and find there has
been a sewer backup in your neighborhood. Your home has sewage all the way
up to your ceiling.
What do you think you should do? Raise the ceiling or pump out the shit?
Your choice is coming in November. Don't miss the opportunity!
Post your best ones here...
Please, not too blue. Remember, our children may be reading these, too. And language...what is "adult language?"...if it is wrong, it is wrong. Smut gets removed.
Politics are a cause of concern for many who come here to escape the antics of the political playground on the Potomac. As such, politicals should be posted on boards specializing in politics: http://www.investorshub.com/boards/boards.asp?cat_id=123 "The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected."~Will Rogers
JOKES is for laughs, not political propagandizing, please.
The main criterion for politically out-of-bounds is (but not necessarily limited to): Jokes in which a candidate or political party is the butt of the joke is off-topic and subject to removal. It may be funny as all get-out, but alas, this isn't a campaign thread and IHub has boards specializing in politics and some anything-goes boards.
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