My wife used to have an hourglass figure........
................then the sand shifted.
Just looked up my family tree...............
.............and found three dogs using it.
When I was a boy, I use to lie in my twin bed
and wonder where my brother was.
How do you make a motherboard ?
Tell her about your job.
I can't wait until they can put wings on humans. Because if they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs,
and when they can put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex.
Thanksgiving man ! Not a good day to be my pants !
Black Friday...
Because only in America do people trample others for sales,
exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have!
Frivolous lawsuit...
A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...”
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed
in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,
and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and
found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted
on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye
and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
