What does the Canadian guy say after drinking an IPA?
"I pee, eh?"
A few years ago the Pope visited New York and was taken around by Henry Kissinger. They visited the Bronx Zoo and Kissinger showed the Pope one cage where a lion was with a young lamb, which snuggled up next to the lion.
The Pope was amazed. "For 2000 years, we've prayed for signs of the messianic era and the prophesy that the lion will lie down next to the lamb. I see you must really be a man of peace. How did you do it?"
To which Kissinger replied, "All it needs is a new lamb a day!"
There's always two sides to every story and
I seem to be the asshole in both of them.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
And they respond: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja"
My neighbor is Bulimic
She was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...
"For goodness sake, keep it down!"
Wife: "What are you going to do today ?"
Me: "Nothing"
Wife: "You did that yesterday."
Me: "I know, ............I wasn't finished."
Getting older has its benefits.
Just say, "I'm having a senior moment" and you can get away with pretty much anything.
One cell phone to another:
"That's right dear..........................our ancestors had tails."
Old Vikings:
"Sven, we're getting old. Pill-age just doesn't have the same meaning it used to."
My wife and I were walking in the park and passed a bench with two old guys sitting on it.
My wife said, "I can't believe those are actually whistling at me." I said, "They're not whistling, they're wheezing."
A third-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down, and I turned off the lights. Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z, and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw.
Without hesitation he replied, "Consonants."
Sign of our times...
A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school. However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said,
'Don't feel bad fella'...they won't let ME in either'.
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old mother says, "Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."
Just wondering.................
Do 3 glasses of wine and 2 Bloody Marys equal 5 servings of fruit and vegetables ?
My doctor told me to get off the couch.
So now I watch TV in bed..............problem solved.
Junk: Something you keep around for years
and throw out just before you need it.
