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Smoking marijuana in Iraq will get you stoned.
My girlfriend says I'm an animal in bed.
That's her nice way of saying I'm a selfish pig.
How hot are your hot tamales?
Cook: Well, if more than three customers eat them at the same time the sprinkler system goes on.
When I turned 13, my dad said
"Son, you can get a woman one of three ways. By being rich, good-looking or funny."
Then he gave me my birthday gift - The Book of 1001 Jokes."
Words from dad...
Don't do as I do... Do as I say do.
What happens when an astronaut masturbates
in space ?
He defiles gravity.
I was kicked out of a hospital for exposing
myself to a nurse. It was an honest mistake...........I put the gown on backwards.
I don't have life insurance, because............
I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it..................as a burden to my family.
They say if you have something you haven't
used in 6 months you should get rid of it. Problem is, my wife won't leave.
The neighbor lady asked for my help.
The neighbor lady asked for my help. .
I toted my shot gun over there, and, yup I shot two very different loads into two very different beavers.
I own an actual Peter Pan turd.
That shit never gets old.
“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius”. –Sid Caesar.
Don't ever use Kentucky jelly on your toast.
That KY jelly tastes terrible.
Remember............your job as a married woman
is to notice when a man is happy...........and immediately put an end to that nonsense.
A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."
I was kicked out of a hospital for exposing myself to a nurse.
It was an honest mistake...........I put the gown on backwards.
Staff Meeting...
Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four-thirty on Friday afternoons.
When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. "I will tell you why. I've learned that's the only time of the week when none of you wants to argue with me."
An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.
Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."
"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."
Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him."
Justin Timberlake........................
From INSYNC to INJAIL. Quite the multitasker.
The party that can't define a woman
says you're not a woman if you don't vote for them.
I don't have life insurance, because............
I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it..................as a burden to my family.
One day a guy wanted to mow his lawn.
"I really need to mow the lawn but it's very hot outside, what would the neighbors think if I did it naked?" He asked his wife.
"They would think I married you for your money"
They say if you have something you haven't
used in 6 months you should get rid of it. Problem is, my wife won't leave
The neighbor lady asked for my help.
She said the creek running through her property was getting dammed-up.
I toted my shot gun over there, and, yup I shot two very different loads into two very different beavers.
My regular Dr's couldn't solve my foot pain so I found a specialist in traditional medicine.
I was limping badly, so was desperate.
This doctor felt both feet, and said, "So only your right foot hurts, correct?"
"Yes," I replied.
"If can I stop your limp, you owe me $500, deal?"
"Yes!" I replied.
So the doc grabbed a sledge hammer and suddenly pounded my left foot. I screamed in pain.
"Now walk", insisted the doc.
Sure enough, my limp was gone, as both feet hurt evenly, balancing my walk. I was obligated to pay the fucker $500 despite now having double the pain.
Me: "Doc, can you prescribe something to keep me from sleepwalking ?"
Doctor: "Absolutely not....................you need the exercise."
I own an actual Peter Pan turd.
That shit never gets old.
“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius”. –Sid Caesar.
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.'
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
Don't ever use Kentucky jelly on your toast.
That KY jelly tastes terrible.
yep! pic.twitter.com/SwX7LjRgTR
— getmoreshares (@getmoreshares) June 17, 2024
“I was sacked from my job as an electrician at the prison service
for refusing to repair an electric chair. I told them it was a death trap.”
Death: “It's your time. give me your hand.”
anticom: “No! I know that if I don’t touch you then I'll never die!”
Death: “Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!”
anticom: *high fives*
Death: “What a total dumbass!”
Piper pilot took his pilot’s exam just after a storm, and flew through a rainbow.
He passed with flying colors.
My friend always gets angry and violent when he's in a dinghy race...
He has rowed rage.
Went in for a colonoscopy. Their equipment was broken,
so they used a tapeworm with a tiny GoPro camera strapped to its head.
Back in the day there was a diet plan marketed. You took the red pill and you started losing weight.
When you achieved the weight you wanted, you took the white pill.
The white pill killed the tapeworm that had been inside the red pill.
Orphan: "Doc, why won't you examine me ?"
Doctor: "Because I'm a FAMILY doctor."
Most orphans are aggressive gamblers.
When you tell them "Go big or go home" they only have one option.
The selfie craze started with orphans.
20 years ago schools started requiring students to bring in a family photo.
During sex with my orphan g/f I yelled out
"Who's your daddy?".
I guess it was a bit insensitive
After I turned 70, I started keeping a fire extinguisher next to my birthday cake.
My Latin wife dances a lot as she keeps the floors clean...
She likes to rumba...
A reported ask Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"
Joe replied, "Depends"
Take a look at...
A recent video of Joe Biden. Age 81.
Then, a recent video of Mick Jagger. Age 80.
Maybe sex, drugs, and rock and roll ain't such a bad thing.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town,
looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
Wanna freak out your vaxed, mask wearing neighbors?
Pop some bubble wrap in front of them and remind them that the air inside came from China
Henry Winkler on an airplane flight.
The flight attendant asked him, "Would you like some headphones?"
He replied, "Of course I would... but it's pronounced Fonz. "
When it comes to Cocaine I have to draw a line.
T-shirt seen on a baby:
I just did nine months on the inside.
I don't think online dating is for me.
Everyone keeps sending me pictures of their mirrors.
I'm not judging. I'm just not that into mirrors.
"You must be the worst sex partner I've ever had!"
"Isn't that a bit of a hasty judgement based on just 30 seconds?"
Remember when "it's complicated" was a
relationship status, not a gender status?
If an AI robot lies to you what would you call it, mechanical bull?
You can swim with dolphins for free but to swim with sharks will cost you an arm and a leg.
Chuck Norris once attended a feminist rally.
He came back with his shirt ironed and holding a sandwich.
Kids like to pee their names in snow.
Chuck Norris pees his name in concrete.
My friend David lost his ID today.
Now I call him Dav.
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good.
Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught,
I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told,
"You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."
The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," said the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class."
Just got a new car for my wife.
Best trade I ever made.
I'm not saying my girlfriend is fat but her birthstone is Chocolate.
You can tell that a man masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely you'll see a wedding ring.
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles
Just met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee.
Brocco Lee.
Was listening to Elizabeth Warren on the car
radio when suddenly the "check injun" light came on.
Success is like a fart.............
It annoys people when it's not theirs.
An online survey .......
found that 0% of the world is Amish.
My sex life
When it comes to sex my wife likes to moan really loudly.
I just wish she'd do it during sex instead of before.
My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt.
It used to be a dolphin.
RED SKELTON'S SECRET TO THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word or political. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.
DMV is not that intelligent-- someone must have already gotten that plate! LOL
I requested a vanity license plate 3M TA3
The DMV turned me down when they figured out
what my front plate looked like in everyone's rear view mirror.
As his plane was coming in for a landing........ ....................a guy exposed himself to the passengers.
He was later charged with in-descent exposure.
I feel terrible.
If I'd known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote", my best friend would still be alive.
My uncle Frank wanted me to put his ashes
in his favorite beer mug. He wanted to be Frank-in-stein.
I live in Texas. I have two friends that are blonde and sisters. One day, they approached me and asked where the lighthouses were.
When I tried to probe a little bit, I was told, "Yeah, they're good paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper, but we don't know where the lighthouses are to apply."
I told them, "There are no lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that newspaper."
Sure enough, there were ads for... "Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in person."
— Dwayne FJB Dibley (@DwayneDibley16) June 1, 2024
I walked into a bar and immediately everyone
lined up to take a swing at me.
That's it...............................that's the punch line.
Boss: "You're the worst train conductor ever.
How many have you lost this year ?
Conductor: "Not sure. I lost track."
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing
all the people I treated badly had it coming.
I have a few marbles in my pocket to give to people who have lost theirs.
And to show to people that say I've lost mine.
I wanted to become a Gregorian monk
but I never had the chants.
I try not to fart when I'm at Burger King but when I do, it's a whopper.
A bus station is where the bus stops. A train station
is where the train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
My mother used to tuck me in every night.
She always wanted a girl.
It's not that I can't juggle....................
......................it's just that I don't have the balls to do it.
I tried doing 100 sit-ups but I didn’t finish.
My stomach couldn’t handle that kind of ab use.
My cyber truck finally came from Temu. pic.twitter.com/GLsV1CpQuA
— Booker (@RealBookerScott) May 27, 2024
FUNNY
When facts are hilarious 😂 pic.twitter.com/doUNOi6M4M
— Templar⚔️ (@aTeXan575) May 14, 2024
Hubby asked me who Rick O'shay is, SMH
— Rothmus 🏴 (@Rothmus) May 22, 2024
Crooked Biden received an honorary doctorate degree from Moorehouse College, this weekend. Now Biden is under the impression he can operate on people.
Reminded of this one:
How do you use a condom twice?
After the first use you turn it inside out and shake the fu*k out of it!!
— Gary Stephen (@GaryStephen1234) May 20, 2024
Motorcycle Monday pic.twitter.com/XEVTwaxqZI
— Kane's Street Smarts (@FrankKane11) May 20, 2024
Having a root canal done. Dentist has me on an antibiotic, first. Antibiotics wipe out germs but also your good gut bacteria. So at this moment I'm eating Stoneyfield Organic Probiotic Yogurt to re-introduce good bacteria into my stomach. It's a good product without the highly dubious additional claim the manufacturer makes on the labeling. It says I will be getting multiple organisms from eating it. I've eaten half the 32 oz container and haven't felt anything, yet.
One-liners
Recessions are started by people who fear recessions.
If we can't understand what he's saying, he's not a genius.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.
Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.
The law is a rule to the fool, but a guide to the wise.
Smile! It increases your face value.
Never fear shadows... they simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.
I'm so hungry, I could almost eat health food.
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
These days you can either lead or be misled.
Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
It's just as much work to be normal as it is to be ourselves.
We belittle the homeless even though we're the ones who wake up to alarm clocks.
Misery is too much work.
Sometimes you don't realize that you're in prison until you get out.
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt,Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh
His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
Tinder is for rookies.
I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses.
I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.
The things I did to make my wife happy.
I wore her underwear.
She didn't know I wore them but when she put them on the next day she thought she lost weight.
People claim to be into recycling but you should
see their faces when you rinse out a condom.
I recently saw a transvestite in a mini skirt .
I thought that shows a lot of balls.
If Karen Carpenter had eaten Mama Cass's
sandwich, they both might be alive today.
Letting a man with dementia run our federal government
proves just how little we need a federal government.
Cause of death: Pending.
I don't know what these pending things look like but I'll be running like a
Mofo when I find out.
My music teacher said I'm a baritone
because she can't bear my tone.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Nice saying, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted
I asked my mom...... if I was adopted.
She replied, " Of course not sweetie. If we had a choice, we wouldn't have selected you. "
Someone left a bottle of Vodka in my mailbox.
I don't know who did it but I'm going to get to the bottom of it.
A chicken and an egg go into the emergency
room of a hospital. The secretary says, "OK, who's first ?"
A man walks into an auto dismantler...
...and says to the employee behind the counter " I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo".
The employee thinks about this for a moment, then responds " Ok, that sounds like a fair trade".
What do cannibals do at a wedding?
They toast the bride and groom.
Saw a chameleon today.
( pretty shitty chameleon, eh ? )
I have a dog to provide me unconditional love.
I also have a cat to remind me that I don't deserve it. ( I like balance in my life )
LMAO:
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 pic.twitter.com/2O5VClloGH
— LAnDo NIFFIRG™️🇨🇦 (@llandoniffirg) May 15, 2024
Wife: "There's something wrong with you !"
Me: "What a thing to say right before our dog's first salsa lesson."
Paddy is at the airport and he’s carrying two full sacks, he gets to customs and the guy asks him if he had anything to declare? Paddy says no, so the customs officer takes him into a room and empties the bags and there’s all these different phones. The customs officer says, what about these? Paddy says, it’s got nothing to do with me when I was in America Murphy rang me and said he had just joined a band and could I bring him two sax of phones!!
Merve was sitting on his front porch looking quite down his Neighbor noticed this and asked him why he was so. Merve looks up at him and says, it’s one of those wife questions, she asked if I’d still love her when she was old and fat, the neighbor said that’s easy just say, of course I will. Merve said, I said of course I do!!!
I did my first nude painting this morning the neighbors weren’t happy, but the front door looks fantastic!!
My wife just found out she’s adopted which brought her to tears and she sobbed why didn’t they want me, she then asked me to make love to her so she could feel love. While making love she broke into hysteria, but I suppose saying who's your daddy was a bit insensitive!!
Little Johnny goes up to a policeman and says, my dad is in a fight at the bar He follows the boy to the bar and there are 3 men fighting, the policeman says, well which one is your dad? Little Johnny says that’s what the fight is about!!!
Linda hopped into a taxi completely naked the taxi driver saw this in his rear-view mirror and he said, madam you’ve got no clothes on! She replied that’s none of your business, he replied yes, it is you have no pockets or purse to pay me with. Linda put her leg up on his seat exposing her vagina and said
, will this do, the taxi driver said, do you have anything smaller!!!
To All the Husbands, I’ll Give You A Tip
If You come home from the bar late!
Don’t get into bed and slap her on the ass and say ok fatty your next!
I had a nice conversation with some dolphins....
Really? How did that happen?
I don't know. We just clicked...
Me: I'm having trouble with my hearing...
Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Sure! Homer is a fat guy and his wife, Marge, has blue hair.
Porno movies are a bad influence because they reinforce the stereotype that it's easy to get an electrician or a plumber to come to your house.
Scariest part of watching porn:
Your wife's footsteps coming down the hall towards the den.
We had a great dinner on Mother's Day.
After the family finished, Mom started doing the dishes.
Dad said, "Honey, this is Mother's Day. You don't have to do that. Save them for Tomorrow."
Nothing says "I love my dog" more, than spending
4 times more on its haircut than you do on your own.
Getting over diarrheas'
isn't the best feeling in the world, but it's a solid #2.
Who is Aurora Boring Alice I keep hearing about?
My obese parrot just died.
It was a real weight off my shoulder.
Another story from my life
The doctor told me that a banana a day could help me clean my colon.
It turned out that I was supposed to eat them.
An old man was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he came upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeded to walk into the water and subsequently bumped into the preacher.
The preacher turned around and was almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asked the drunk,
“Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk shouted, “Yes, I am!”
So the preacher grabbed him and dunked him in the water.
He pulled him up and asked the drunk, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replied, “No, I haven't found Jesus.”
The preacher, shocked by the answer, dunked him Into the water again for a little longer.
He pulled him out of the water and asked again, “Have you found Jesus my brother?”
The drunk again answered, “No, I haven't found Jesus.”
By this time the preacher was at his wits end and dunked the drunk in the water again
but this time held him down for about 30 seconds and when he began kicking his arms and legs he pulled him up.
The preacher again asked the drunk, “For the love of God son, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk wiped his eyes and caught his breath and said to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
— Charles Palmer (@Charles02339637) May 2, 2024
longer version-- much better:
Senate Democrats invited a witness who was supposed to give us objective analysis on the climate.
— John Kennedy (@SenJohnKennedy) May 2, 2024
Meanwhile, his retweets show that he supports chasing and harassing anyone who disagrees with his extreme opinions. pic.twitter.com/JKTP8JsVdt
yep- saw that this morning--
Sen. John Kennedy grills climate prof Dr. Geoffrey Supran, claiming he retweeted climate activists criticizing senators.
— The Recount (@therecount) May 1, 2024
Supran: "I did not say that I don't support this. I simply did not tweet it."
Kennedy: "You retweeted it, didn't you? ... Are you gonna call me a sick fuck?" pic.twitter.com/DTH2pE857H
((Put link in Browser ~ UnMute & Hit Play )) >
pic.twitter.com/Npf4l2Ox0B
“I’m pleased to be getting a beer belly.
I’ve always wanted a father figure.”
“A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows.
I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.’”
“I tell my friends, I’m here for them 24/7 because it sounds better
than saying I’m only here for them on the 24th of July.”
“Never keep up with the Joneses.
Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.”
How many bones did the paleontologist need to finish the dinosaur skeleton?
Just the last one.
I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.
Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."
Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself."
At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four.
The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another.
Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!"
My wife dresses to kill................
......................and cooks the same way.
I got thrown out of the premature ejaculation support group.
I kept coming late.
How do you break up a fight between two blind people?
Yell out "My money is on the one with a knife!"
I'm starting to get very nervous.
The neighbor kid is starting to look more like me every day.
As I get older I think about all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
A tourist comes to Seattle and it rains for a week, on the eighth day he goes out with his umbrella
and asks a kid if it ever stops raining ? The kid replies,
" How do I know, I'm only six " !
Bubba got his father's bald head, crooked nose, and buck teeth.
That was the strangest will reading ever !
At the airport check-in counter, a man overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband.
The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.
"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting!"
I was behind a truck that said Dodge on the tailgate and had a tag on the side that was marked Ram.
What do they want me to do? Avoid them or hit them?
My hamster died from lack of exercise.
I feel responsible...I never gave him the wheel to live.
Just watched a documentary on the building of the Titanic.
It was riveting.
I tried drowning my troubles
but my wife won't go near the swimming pool.
I have the most energy efficient home in North America.
I get free heat in the summer, and free air conditioning in the winter.
A young man, down on his luck, was hitch-hiking through Arizona.
A well-dressed man driving a Chevrolet pulled up, lowered the passenger side window, and asked, “Do you vote Republican or Democrat?”
“Republican,” said the hitch-hiker. And the chevy sped off in a cloud of dust.
The next car that pulled up was a Honda and the same question was asked. Once again the driver sped away, leaving him beside the road.
He continued on until a beautiful woman stopped her Mustang GT and, predictably, asked about his politics.
In desperation the young man said, “I’m a Democrat.”
The woman welcomed him aboard, and they sped off down the road.
She was gorgeous. She had the face of a goddess, eyes the color of the sea on a sunny day, golden hair, and legs so beautiful that he couldn’t take his eyes off them as her feet moved on the pedals.
They hadn’t gone very far when he said, “Stop the car, I want to walk.”
“Why?” she asked.
“I’ve only been a Democrat for ten minutes and already I want to screw somebody.”
In GREECE
— TheyCallMeDoc (@TheyCallMeDoc1) April 30, 2024
I left my AI powered Maserati in my neighbor's garage while I went on vacation and now I want it back.
He told me I can't have it because my car is claiming squatter's rights
I installed Microsoft Word into my self-driving car's computer.
Now it's writing its autobiography
A team of Canadian and Scottish researchers
has released its own version of artificial intelligence.
They’re calling it “Eh? Aye!"
One thing I learned, being married to a blonde.
Never tell her it's time to "hit the sack"
I've found that growing up in the 70's
was more fun than being in my 70's.
Do you know what you get ...
when you keep a jackass in suspense?
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
truth is the rooster came first. ...
Found a dog in a pile of leaves...
named him rustle.
Whoever put the letter "S" in fast food is a marketing genius.
I said to my daughter, "the grandkids are spoiled."
She said, "all little kids smell that way."
If you lose one sense, your other senses become enhanced.
This is why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.
I'm on multiple dating sites because............
………..one can never get enough rejection.
A drunk falls into a cab, gives the cabbie a $20 bill and bellows "I wanna get screwed."
The cabbie dutifully drives him to the 'burbs and points out a town house. The drunk staggers up to the front door, bangs on it, and screams "I wanna get screwed!"
A female voice answers, "Slip $100 under the door." The drunk pushes $100 under the door. Nothing happens. After a while the drunk bangs on the door again and screams "I wanna get screwed!"
The female voice answers, "What? Again!?"
Not everybody thinks Cleopatra is beautiful.
But that's how Julius Caesar.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate.
I was deeply touched.
I was wondering.......................
What does it look like when you open Pandora's box ? ( asking for a friend )
Pick up line: "If you're feeling down...........
...................................I will feel you up."
At dinner tonight my daughter asked, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
I said, "Really, we're not going to talk about this right now."
So, after dinner I said, "Now what did you want to ask me?"
She said, "Oh nothing, there was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone.
A teacher was explaining biology to her third grade students.
She said, "Human beings are the only creatures that studder."
A little girl raised her hand, saying, "I once had a cat that stuttered."
The teacher asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was In the backyard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lived next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"
The teacher said, "That must have been scary!"
The little girl said, "It sure was.
My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss,' and before she could say 'Sh*t' the dog ate her.
I'll show myself out but I want my like dadgummit!!
One day a politician's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the politician tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the politician finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the politician's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
Enough of that crap…
The donkey later came back and bit the sh*t out of the politician who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected, and the politician eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
— Spill The Memes (@SpillTheMemes) April 23, 2024
What has two butts and kills people?
An Assassin
Add:
Does that come in adult sizes?
That looks like a penis, only smaller!
Do you watch reality shows and talent shows??? pic.twitter.com/0QapKLrP5f
— Lorraine Y (@kenyladyde) April 18, 2024
Post your best ones here...
Please, not too blue. Remember, our children may be reading these, too. And language...what is "adult language?"...if it is wrong, it is wrong. Smut gets removed.
Politics are a cause of concern for many who come here to escape the antics of the political playground on the Potomac. As such, politicals should be posted on boards specializing in politics: http://www.investorshub.com/boards/boards.asp?cat_id=123 "The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected."~Will Rogers
JOKES is for laughs, not political propagandizing, please.
The main criterion for politically out-of-bounds is (but not necessarily limited to): Jokes in which a candidate or political party is the butt of the joke is off-topic and subject to removal. It may be funny as all get-out, but alas, this isn't a campaign thread and IHub has boards specializing in politics and some anything-goes boards.
JOKES is for laughs for the masses and humor for all who bless us with their presence.
Not only jokes, but if you have something uplifting that may lighten the load or brighten the day, feel free to post it.
Thank you for stopping by.
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