Wife: "There's something wrong with you !"
Me: "What a thing to say right before our dog's first salsa lesson."
Paddy is at the airport and he’s carrying two full sacks, he gets to customs and the guy asks him if he had anything to declare? Paddy says no, so the customs officer takes him into a room and empties the bags and there’s all these different phones. The customs officer says, what about these? Paddy says, it’s got nothing to do with me when I was in America Murphy rang me and said he had just joined a band and could I bring him two sax of phones!!
Merve was sitting on his front porch looking quite down his Neighbor noticed this and asked him why he was so. Merve looks up at him and says, it’s one of those wife questions, she asked if I’d still love her when she was old and fat, the neighbor said that’s easy just say, of course I will. Merve said, I said of course I do!!!
I did my first nude painting this morning the neighbors weren’t happy, but the front door looks fantastic!!
My wife just found out she’s adopted which brought her to tears and she sobbed why didn’t they want me, she then asked me to make love to her so she could feel love. While making love she broke into hysteria, but I suppose saying who's your daddy was a bit insensitive!!
Little Johnny goes up to a policeman and says, my dad is in a fight at the bar He follows the boy to the bar and there are 3 men fighting, the policeman says, well which one is your dad? Little Johnny says that’s what the fight is about!!!
Linda hopped into a taxi completely naked the taxi driver saw this in his rear-view mirror and he said, madam you’ve got no clothes on! She replied that’s none of your business, he replied yes, it is you have no pockets or purse to pay me with. Linda put her leg up on his seat exposing her vagina and said
, will this do, the taxi driver said, do you have anything smaller!!!
To All the Husbands, I’ll Give You A Tip
If You come home from the bar late!
Don’t get into bed and slap her on the ass and say ok fatty your next!
I had a nice conversation with some dolphins....
Really? How did that happen?
I don't know. We just clicked...
Me: I'm having trouble with my hearing...
Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Sure! Homer is a fat guy and his wife, Marge, has blue hair.
Porno movies are a bad influence because they reinforce the stereotype that it's easy to get an electrician or a plumber to come to your house.
Scariest part of watching porn:
Your wife's footsteps coming down the hall towards the den.
We had a great dinner on Mother's Day.
After the family finished, Mom started doing the dishes.
Dad said, "Honey, this is Mother's Day. You don't have to do that. Save them for Tomorrow."
Nothing says "I love my dog" more, than spending
4 times more on its haircut than you do on your own.
Getting over diarrheas'
isn't the best feeling in the world, but it's a solid #2.
Who is Aurora Boring Alice I keep hearing about?
My obese parrot just died.
It was a real weight off my shoulder.
Another story from my life
The doctor told me that a banana a day could help me clean my colon.
It turned out that I was supposed to eat them.
