“I’m pleased to be getting a beer belly.
I’ve always wanted a father figure.”
“A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows.
I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.’”
“I tell my friends, I’m here for them 24/7 because it sounds better
than saying I’m only here for them on the 24th of July.”
“Never keep up with the Joneses.
Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.”
How many bones did the paleontologist need to finish the dinosaur skeleton?
Just the last one.
I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.
Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."
Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself."
At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four.
The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another.
Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!"
My wife dresses to kill................
......................and cooks the same way.
I got thrown out of the premature ejaculation support group.
I kept coming late.
How do you break up a fight between two blind people?
Yell out "My money is on the one with a knife!"
I'm starting to get very nervous.
The neighbor kid is starting to look more like me every day.
As I get older I think about all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
A tourist comes to Seattle and it rains for a week, on the eighth day he goes out with his umbrella
and asks a kid if it ever stops raining ? The kid replies,
" How do I know, I'm only six " !
Bubba got his father's bald head, crooked nose, and buck teeth.
That was the strangest will reading ever !
At the airport check-in counter, a man overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband.
The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.
"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting!"
I was behind a truck that said Dodge on the tailgate and had a tag on the side that was marked Ram.
What do they want me to do? Avoid them or hit them?
My hamster died from lack of exercise.
I feel responsible...I never gave him the wheel to live.
Just watched a documentary on the building of the Titanic.
It was riveting.
I tried drowning my troubles
but my wife won't go near the swimming pool.
I have the most energy efficient home in North America.
I get free heat in the summer, and free air conditioning in the winter.
AI
