Remember............your job as a married woman
is to notice when a man is happy...........and immediately put an end to that nonsense.
A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."
I was kicked out of a hospital for exposing myself to a nurse.
It was an honest mistake...........I put the gown on backwards.
Staff Meeting...
Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four-thirty on Friday afternoons.
When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. "I will tell you why. I've learned that's the only time of the week when none of you wants to argue with me."
An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.
Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."
"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."
Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him."
Justin Timberlake........................
From INSYNC to INJAIL. Quite the multitasker.
The party that can't define a woman
says you're not a woman if you don't vote for them.
I don't have life insurance, because............
I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it..................as a burden to my family.
One day a guy wanted to mow his lawn.
"I really need to mow the lawn but it's very hot outside, what would the neighbors think if I did it naked?" He asked his wife.
"They would think I married you for your money"
They say if you have something you haven't
used in 6 months you should get rid of it. Problem is, my wife won't leave
The neighbor lady asked for my help.
She said the creek running through her property was getting dammed-up.
I toted my shot gun over there, and, yup I shot two very different loads into two very different beavers.
My regular Dr's couldn't solve my foot pain so I found a specialist in traditional medicine.
I was limping badly, so was desperate.
This doctor felt both feet, and said, "So only your right foot hurts, correct?"
"Yes," I replied.
"If can I stop your limp, you owe me $500, deal?"
"Yes!" I replied.
So the doc grabbed a sledge hammer and suddenly pounded my left foot. I screamed in pain.
"Now walk", insisted the doc.
Sure enough, my limp was gone, as both feet hurt evenly, balancing my walk. I was obligated to pay the fucker $500 despite now having double the pain.
Me: "Doc, can you prescribe something to keep me from sleepwalking ?"
Doctor: "Absolutely not....................you need the exercise."
I own an actual Peter Pan turd.
That shit never gets old.
“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius”. –Sid Caesar.
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.'
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
Don't ever use Kentucky jelly on your toast.
That KY jelly tastes terrible.
