“I was sacked from my job as an electrician at the prison service
for refusing to repair an electric chair. I told them it was a death trap.”
Death: “It's your time. give me your hand.”
anticom: “No! I know that if I don’t touch you then I'll never die!”
Death: “Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!”
anticom: *high fives*
Death: “What a total dumbass!”
Piper pilot took his pilot’s exam just after a storm, and flew through a rainbow.
He passed with flying colors.
My friend always gets angry and violent when he's in a dinghy race...
He has rowed rage.
Went in for a colonoscopy. Their equipment was broken,
so they used a tapeworm with a tiny GoPro camera strapped to its head.
Back in the day there was a diet plan marketed. You took the red pill and you started losing weight.
When you achieved the weight you wanted, you took the white pill.
The white pill killed the tapeworm that had been inside the red pill.
Orphan: "Doc, why won't you examine me ?"
Doctor: "Because I'm a FAMILY doctor."
Most orphans are aggressive gamblers.
When you tell them "Go big or go home" they only have one option.
The selfie craze started with orphans.
20 years ago schools started requiring students to bring in a family photo.
During sex with my orphan g/f I yelled out
"Who's your daddy?".
I guess it was a bit insensitive
After I turned 70, I started keeping a fire extinguisher next to my birthday cake.
My Latin wife dances a lot as she keeps the floors clean...
She likes to rumba...
A reported ask Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"
Joe replied, "Depends"
Take a look at...
A recent video of Joe Biden. Age 81.
Then, a recent video of Mick Jagger. Age 80.
Maybe sex, drugs, and rock and roll ain't such a bad thing.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town,
looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
Wanna freak out your vaxed, mask wearing neighbors?
Pop some bubble wrap in front of them and remind them that the air inside came from China
Henry Winkler on an airplane flight.
The flight attendant asked him, "Would you like some headphones?"
He replied, "Of course I would... but it's pronounced Fonz. "
When it comes to Cocaine I have to draw a line.
T-shirt seen on a baby:
I just did nine months on the inside.
I don't think online dating is for me.
Everyone keeps sending me pictures of their mirrors.
I'm not judging. I'm just not that into mirrors.
"You must be the worst sex partner I've ever had!"
"Isn't that a bit of a hasty judgement based on just 30 seconds?"
Remember when "it's complicated" was a
relationship status, not a gender status?
AI
