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Napoleon may not have been the sole designer of his jacket...
but he had a hand in it.
It’s been suggested that dogs bark up to 350 times a day.
Of course, that’s just a ruff estimate.
My balding friend bought a new wig before moving away,
so I got him a comb as a parting gift.
I was convicted of committing lewd acts on fruit at the grocery store.
I got off on a peel.
Did you know that if you heat up a beer bottle and put your testicle on the top while it cools down, your testicle will go inside the bottle?
Do you know how to get it back out?......Anybody?........
“Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” —Ronald Reagan
Pick up line:
"Hey girl, you might be a little obtuse, but at the right angle you're kind of acute."
A man walks into a bar, and sees King Kong having a drink.
Now, the man loves all of Kong’s films, so he decides to walk up to him. He says, “Wow! King Kong! I’m such a big fan. Sorry to bother you, but do you have time for a photo?”
King Kong suddenly looks up, checks his watch. He turns to the man and says, “Sorry, I’ve a plane to catch.”
What do politicians and dolphins fear the most?
Getting caught in fishnets
For Sale: My White Privilege Card
The card is quite old and in mint condition,
Never been used.
Reason For Selling: It hasn't done anything for me!
No free college, no free food, no free housing, no free anything.
I go to work, pay taxes, for those who suck off of the government's teat.
If interested I prefer cash but I'm willing to trade for a victim card,
which seems to be more widely accepted and comes with countless benefits without even having to show the card!
3.8 Billion women on the planet...
You'd think it would be clean by now.
If the world was logical, men would ride side-saddle...
A little girl asks her mom if she can walk their dog.
The mom says, "No !" she's in heat, but go ask your dad. " So
the little girl asks her dad, he rubs gasoline all over her hindquarter
to hid the scent and says, "Just one time around the block ! " The
little girl returns later without her dog, so her dad asks where's the dog ?"
The little girl responds, "Well, she ran out of gas, and a boy dog is pushing her home !"
A man was driving his Tesla when an old truck forced him to stop.
After greetings, the truck driver suggested that they swap their cars.
"Are you out of your mind, who would ever want to swap a new beautiful eco-friendly Tesla with a loud old smoking truck?"
"You don't understand, let me show you why my truck is better than your car", and he knocked twice on the truck when suddenly, a huge genie came out.
"Your faithful genie is ready to grant your wishes, what are you ordering me, master?"
"Give me one banana milk-shake."
And in a flash of light, a glass of banana milk-shake appeared on the genie's hand.
"Do you have any other orders, master?"
"No, that's all I want now," answered the truck owner, and the genie disappeared immediately.
The owner of the Tesla, amazed, shouted : "Yes, let's swap!" and he hands the keys over.
And as the other man took the car and drove away, our man knocked on the truck and the genie appeared again.
"Your faithful genie is ready to grant your wishes, what are you ordering me, master?"
"Give me a Ferrari, a big house on 3 acres of land, and a hot girlfriend!”
"Sorry master, I only serve banana milk-shake."
There's been an outbreak of bovine novovirus in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo-sick.
Two elderly ladies meet at the market after not seeing each other for some time. One asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ray died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead right there in the vegetable patch."
"Oh dear, I'm sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
During covid I never thought my hands would
consume more alcohol than I would !
A man walks into a bar and asks for something tall, icy, and full of vodka .
The bartender lends back and yells,
"Hey Tiffany, someone is asking for you !
I can't wait for Halloween I can't wait to get some lollipops.
I'm a sucker for them.
Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is full of it.
I gave up my friends, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling...
All she gave up was sex.
One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county.
They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.
They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks away and won’t let the bull get near her. The owners watch as the bulls repeated attempts are met with a cold response.
The bull’s owner leans over to the cow’s owner and asks, ”Did you get your cow from Ft. Worth?”
The cow’s owner, astonished, replies, “Yea, I did! How did you guess?”
“My wife is from Ft. Worth.”
When I was a child, my mom told me that I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out this is called "Identity Theft"
I asked my Haitian neighbor to walk my dog.
Big mistake. He thought I said "wok the dog".
I asked the waiter for a doggy bag.
He said, "Sure, what breed ?"
During Lamaze class, the instructor was teaching the husbands how to help their wives.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner."
The guy raises his hand and asks, "Is it OK for her to carry a golf bag as we walk?"
How do you know you got a good wife?
She is willing to do it at halftime so you don't miss the game
How do you know you got a great wife?
She is willing to do it doggy style so you don't miss the highlights
New Band: AD/HD
Highway to.................................hey look, it's a squirrel !
I was describing my job as an engineer to some middle schoolers when I mentioned that "one of my colleagues and I designed a medical instrument for measuring human muscle tone." Later, I added, "another colleague and I designed a system to allow merchants to print coupons at the cash register." Thinking that all this technical talk was confusing, I asked if there were any questions.
There was one: "What's a colleague?"
A woman at our checkout counter didn't have enough money to cover her purchase of toilet paper, so I paid the 96 cents.
"Thank you," she said. "I'm going to think of you every time I use this paper."
I'm going to a Halloween party this year dressed as a ghost.
I'll be using a starched sheet. ( I want everyone to be scared stiff )
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out man !
What do give a man who has everything ?
Penicillin !
My grandson keeps running around naked,
so I sprayed him with Windex.
It's supposed to prevent streaking.
I don't see why I should have to clean the shower.
In my opinion, it's the shower's job to clean me.
A journey of a thousand miles start with one step and what else?
Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?
Because love means nothing !
A guy wearing camo and in a wheelchair robbed me
He can hide, but he can't run.
"I'm going to take some classes in Italy."
Friend: "Great! But you didn't tell me you were going to study abroad."
Me: "Hopefully a few broads, at least."
Trouble at home
My wife asked me, " is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"
Big mistake saying, "no, it's just you."
My wife is a Sex Object.
Every time i ask for sex, she objects.
Remember this old joke?
What's a 'buccaneer'?
A high price to pay for corn.
Well not so funny now.
A good price to pay for corn.
'bucandahalfanear'
Fun fact: Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs.
It’s also their biggest import.
People can be so rude
Had a problem with my cable bill so I called the company
A woman answered the phone
I asked her "Are we dating?"
She seemed taken back by the question but answered "No"
I then asked, "So why are you fucking me?"
Can you believe that bitch hung up on me?
Carl comes into...
...the living room, sees his wife in a crazy position and asks, "Darling, why are you trying to reach the ceiling with your legs?"
Wife answers, "You don't understand these things, Carl. It's called yoga and this is a position called the candle."
"And does the fact that you just farted have anything to do with it?" quips Carl.
Wife snaps back, "It's a scented candle! Now go away!"
Why is it that when you send something by car it's a shipment, but when you send it by ship, it's a cargo?
It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English - up to fifty words used in correct context - no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese.
How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?
All the red flags.
I’ll do algebra, I’ll do statistics, I’ll even do trigonometry …
But graphing is where I draw the line.
Google is a woman.
Why else would it not let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions ?
I would never cheat in a relationship...
Because that would require two people to find me attractive.
So this really old guy goes to a whore house and asks
"What's the cheapest girl you have here?
"She goes for $80.00..."
"80 bucks?, You're puttin' me on"
"OK but that'll be another 20.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed
man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
My wife said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.
Guess I won’t be needing those any more.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible.
I think she must have given me a cold or something.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I slept with my large-breasted neighbor.
I think I've contracted the boob-onic plague.
During an argument with my wife, she bragged that women are better at multitasking.
I asked her to sit down and shut up but she couldn’t do it.
Who was the first athlete to "take a knee"? <
Tonya Harding
My great-aunt looked confused when I told her that my daughter was 18 months old
"Oh," she said. "I thought she was a year and a half."
"But Aunt Marie," I said, "18 months and a year and a half are the same."
She shrugged. "What do I know? I never had kids."
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames,
and the whole office is staring Rat Snitch Brian the Good Times Ruiner.
Why do pumpkins sit on peoples porches?
They don't have the guts to knock on the door !
Buckwheat of little rascal fame, became a Muslim
and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat !
What's Forrest Gump's password ?
1Forrest1 !
What do you call a deaf gynecologist ?
A LIP READER !
After using my wife's perfume for many years, I finally acquired...............yep.....................cologne cancer.
Why did the blonde snort Sweet and Low?
She thought it was diet coke.
I’m writing a book about WD-40.
It’s non-friction.
I went to the grocery store today and bought a massive cucumber, the biggest they had.
I also bought a tub of Vaseline lubricant as I didn’t want the checkout operator to get the wrong idea.
I didn’t want her thinking I was vegan
Quotes from Jay Leno...
This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people."
Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.
A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.
A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But, it evens out because men only listen half the time.
Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag.
The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.
They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?
According to a new poll, fifty percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other fifty percent think it isn't.
Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England."
Parrot Dream Fulfilled...
A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot.
He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.
The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.
When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"
The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
Why is gravity so cheap? It's mass produced .
Why do fat women defy the laws of gravity?
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
Dr Martin V Nostrand was nearly switched at birth
at the hospital. Fortunately they caught his mom in the act.
What did Neal Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
How do you know when the moon is broke?
When it's down to its last quarter.
Two neighbors, tired of the way traffic Fly's up and down the street, planted hedges from their front doors to the curb
on each side of the street. Then put signs saying Slow please Nudist crossing.
The last time I was someone’s type … I was donating blood.
An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.
And carried it to a table of friends.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind
“hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Australian man wakes up in the hospital.........
Man: "Doctor, was I brought here to die ?"
Doctor: "No, you were brought here yester-die."
How did the vampire end up in an insane asylum?
He had turned batty.
On a fishing trip, my father told my 5-year-old brother that it was time he learned to bait his own hook
and then left him to figure it out. When he returned, my dad found my brother holding a fishing hook
in one hand and staring at a squirming worm in the other. "What are you doing?" Dad asked.
My brother, nodded toward the worm, quietly answered, "I'm waiting for him to open his mouth."
I was teasing my girlfriend about her weight, and she got really offended.
I told her to lighten up.
My wife sued for divorce................
She said it was because I couldn't get an erection.
I had hard evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
I used to have chronic diarrhea.......
but now I've got my shit together.
I told a contortionist I didn't think much of his act.
He got all bent out of shape.
I was talking to my grandfather, and he said to me you know when I came here
all I had was a sack on my back now look see all them shops over there I own them, see all the factories up there I own them!
I said, gee grandad what did you have in the sack? He said,4 million dollars!!!
My wife said, you only want sex when you’re drunk
I said, that’s not true sometimes I want a steak!!
Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today, he asked us what seems to be the problem?
I said well Dolly Parton here thinks I’m too sarcastic !
My father was born a conjoined twin we referred to him as our uncle on my father’s side ,
until they were surgically separated then he was our uncle once removed!!
A guy says to Linda’s husband what would you do if your wife cheated on you?
He replies, I’d throw his dog through the window and break his cane!
The guy says what dog? He says, if a guy sleeps with my wife, he must be blind!!!
Puerto Rico, the District of Columbia, and Guam as states.
53 is a prime number.
Then we can truly be one nation, indivisible.
Got a new job...... as a guillotine operator.
I'll beheading there soon.
While hiking with a friend......
Me : I just saw a wolf !!
Friend : Where?
Me : No, the regular kind.
Boss told me I am the worst train driver ever...
He shouted, " do you know how many times you've derailed this year?
I said " No, it's hard to keep track. "
Met a girl at the bar................
After awhile, she promised to show me a good time.
When we left, she ran 100 meters in 6.3 seconds.
My girlfriend got a shitty haircut..... and has been sitting around all weekend, crying.
Don't know what she's crying about.
I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend.
Got a thumbs up on the prostrate exam today.....
Two blondes enter a bus. ?“Hey, does this take me to the train station?” asks the first one.?
“Nope,” said the driver.?Other blonde asks, “What about me?”
My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now
.........................................New Jersey. I'm in New Jersey.
I don't like being bald, so I bought a wig.
It's a look anyone can pull off.
Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like a tampon?
You're in a good place but at the wrong time
A 15 year old girl goes out with her friends
She says to her mom: "Mom! I'm going out with my friends." Mom: "OK, don't forget to wear protection" Her:
"Mom, I'm 15!" Mom: "I'm 30"
What did an out of money hooker ask her friend?
"Can you lend me $20 until I'm on my back again?"
I’ve never been lucky with the ladies although I
once met a feminist prostitute who insisted on paying half.
Why is it called a dad bod and not a father figure?
An Uber is cruising down a street when it runs a
red light. "Hey!" the passenger shouts. "Be careful!"
"Don't worry," says the driver. "My brother does it all the time."
He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, "Stop doing that!"
"I'm telling you, my brother does this all the time."
They approach the next light. Just when it turns green, the driver slams on the brakes.
The confused passenger asks, "You just ran two red lights, why'd you stop at a green?"
"I had to," says the driver. "My brother might have been coming."
The thing about the rat race is, even if you win, you're still a rat.
- Lily Tomlin
I've asked many people what LGBTQ stands for.
So far no one has given me a straight answer.
What's the difference between a nail stylist and a hair stylist?
One does hand jobs and one does blow jobs
Why did Helen Keller masturbate with her left hand ?
She used her right hand to moan.
My favorite hooker is named Rachel.........
We have an enter-Rachel relationship.
Next week has been designated as "National Diarrhea Awareness Week."
It runs all week.
A wife is cute when she is mute.
A husband is called honey when he gives her money.
Trying to get online at my mother-in-law's, I scrolled through various Internet access names.
One neighbor's Wi-Fi really stood out:
"You Kids Get Off My LAN!"
I forgot the word articulate in a recent
interview and instead said, I'm good at saying things."
I have lots of Asian friends....................
....................from all woks of life.
Bartender: "What'll ya have ?"
Me: "Surprise me."
Bartender: ( shows me picture of him in bed with my wife )
Customer: "Excuse me, but are you looking to hire any help at present?"
Manager: "No, we already have all the staff we need."
Customer: "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?"
I have a joke about Cobalt, Radon, and Ytterium,
but it's CoRnY.
I have a fantasy to sleep with two women--
in the same year.
My beloved wife was missing for 24 hrs
so I reported it to the police. On day 4 a detective knocks on my door and says he has good news and bad news.
I said, ‘What’s the bad news?’
‘We found your wife’s body at the bottom of the bay, badly decomposed and covered in crabs.’ he said.
I was speechless for a moment, but soon managed to ask, ‘What the fuck could possibly be the good news?’
He sees how upset I am so he he puts his hand on my shoulder, looks me in the eye and says, ‘They’re Dungeness.’
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I think it's just a phase he's going through.
How many politicians it takes to shingle a roof?
Depends how thin you slice them.
A 17-year-old girl came home with five job applications.
She carefully filled them out, and later asked her mother to look them over.
All the answers were clear and concise and she noticed that on all five applications, under "Previous Employment" she had listed 'Babysitting'.
But then she read under "Reason for Leaving" and her daughter had answered, 'Parents came home'.
Grandson: "Grandpa, what was the biggest upgrade you saw when you were in school."
Me: "Colored chalk."
My wife damn near cut her nipple off............
..................while shaving her legs.
Congratulations to Yoko Ono turning 90 years old.
She may be 90, but one thing's for sure: her singing voice is still as good as it ever was.
I tried calling the tinnitus help line...
No answer, just kept ringing.
I woke up this morning and felt like going for a 10 mile run.
So I went back to sleep until the feeling went away.
I got up this morning and ran around the block five times.
Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the grandkid's toy box.
Me ( playing poker ):
"I'll see your angina pill and dentures and raise you a hearing aid and a six month bus pass."
Two things to make your day go better:
1. Do not watch the news.
2. Stay off the bathroom scale.
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I said "on the inside or the outside",
so he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "both."
Moments like this got me wondering if I'm saving too much for college.
How many beans should you put in a pot of chili?
239.
One more would be too farty.
An English man a Jew and a Pakistani man were on a train a fly flew in and landed on the Englishman he flicked it off and it landed on the Jewish man he flicked it off and it landed on the Pakistani he grabbed it and ate it just then another fly flew in and landed on the Englishman he flicked it off and it landed on the Jewish man he grabbed it and said, does anyone want to buy a fly !!!
My wife came out to me after 4 years of marriage that she was a lesbian and
wished she had married another woman!
It finally gave us something in common!!
Man is on trial for shooting his wife after catching her in bed with another man, the judge asked why did you shoot your wife?
man said, it seemed easier than shooting a different guy every week!
I was delighted when I got home the other day
and found out all my lightbulbs had been stolen.
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike!
Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as
can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.
From 10 yrs. ago.
I exercise religiously. I go running dressed as the Pope.
What if God IS a woman.
Not only will I be going to Hell, but I'll never hear the end of it.
I told the bank teller that I was changing banks
& wanted to open an account
"Great. What's the name of your former bank?"
I said, "Piggy"
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of
unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Me: "I need a home improvement loan."
Banker: "What will you be using the money for?"
Me: "A divorce lawyer."
Just said, "Because I said so!,"
and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Do you think the dude that invented the
Breathalyzer has any friends left?
People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room.
It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.
If really good-looking people are "eye candy",
guess I'd be "eye broccoli".
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but
how many at night?
Either these e-cigarettes keep getting bigger,
or I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
A threesome? Nah, not for me. If I wanted to
horribly disappoint two other people, I'd go out to dinner with my parents.
If everyone would stop screaming, I'm sure we'd
all agree I'm not supposed to be in this women's restroom.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this
time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Blood moon, shooting stars.... I gotta move to a safer galaxy.
If we removed all of the margarine on Earth,
the world would be a butter place.
I went to see a play about fly fishing.
The cast was amazing.
My friends coerced me into an orgy last night.
I gave in to peer pleasure.
What's the first number...
What's the first number in the English language that uses the letter "A"?
..one-thousAnd or hundred And one ?
I was born a male, and I identify as a male...
But according to Stouffers Lasagna I am a family of four.
Bono and Edge walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "Not U2 again."
A man is in the emergency room after an horrific accident.
A surgeon is examining his hand. He had already lost three of his fingers and the rest of his hand was in a bad way.
“Doc! I’m a taxi driver. Will I still be able to drive with this hand?”
“Maybe. But I wouldn’t count on it.“
When my wife buys bras....................
...................they always give her a flat-rate.
How do you torture a carpenter ?
Pull out his nails.
From 10 years ago.
It was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes.
No YOU sober up, lamp.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by
pretending to go for his gun.
The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their
chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Eating cereal in the shower isn't saving me as much time as I thought.
If you like to speak in different languages
while high off marijuana, you're probably Rosetta Stoned.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he
writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let
the grass around it grow really long and then do a rake-over.
When your boss says "you're getting a
little behind," he won't appreciate it when you wink and say "been working out-thanks for noticing."
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
I texted my wife with "ROTFHAHA" & she replied
with "LMAO" so I don't think she understands that I'm having a heart attack.
I don't know much about fashion. I assume a
leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Being poor sucks. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I hate it when your wife asks you to hold her purse, and it doesn't match what you're wearing.
My boss told me if I kept showing up late he'd
give me a pink slip and I was like, how does he know about my tastes in women's underwear?
My local Blockbuster changed its name to
Building For Rent.
Call me old fashioned, but I'm dying of smallpox.
So I just found out....
...my property line isn't where I thought it was. Good thing too, or it would have been me arrested for those marijuana plants instead of my neighbors.
I'm like a fine wine.
I should be kept in the cellar until I mature into something worthy of sitting at a dinner table.
My 23-year-old son and I had just finished our meal when I realized I'd left my wallet in my truck.
As I headed out the door, I told the waitress what had happened. "But don't worry," I said with a grin. "I'm leaving my son for collateral."
She looked at him. He winked at her. She turned back to me. "What else you got?"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a
shopping cart at the liquor store.
When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple "Calm down"
in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.
I called my stock broker this morning and asked her what I should buy.
She said, "Canned goods and ammo."
When does a joke become a dad joke ?
When it goes away and never comes back.
Stop the jokes about blacks and Mexicans.
If you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.
There are two types of people on the internet.
Those who like cliffhangers and......
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today and thought it was weird.
Then I realized he must be one of those "plane clothes cops."
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between
premeditated murder and manslaughter...it's the thought that counts.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime
because their cells are much neater than the other prisoners
Proud to announce my dream of becoming a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!
Just working on the lawyer part now.
Just read a fascinating book about an immortal dog.
It was impossible to put down.
I got a laceration on my funny bone.
The doc says I'll be in stitches for a few weeks.
This week a Scots woman set a world record in sheep shearing after shearing 517 of them in nine hours.
Spectators say the record number would've been higher but the counting stopped when the judges fell asleep.
A policeman came up to me and said ‘My sniffer dog tells me you are on drugs’
I replied ‘I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to a dog!’
...
What the teacher says. (And what the teacher really means.)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test.)
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.)
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term.)
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.)
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.)
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.)
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He's a bully.)
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.)
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.)
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner's Guide.)
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.)
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking.)
People keep telling me apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
You know what they say about cliffhangers......
If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people...
Teacher: "What have you decided to draw ?"
Little Johnny: "I'm drawing God."
Teacher: "But no one knows what God looks like."
Johnny: "They will in a minute."
George had been a waiter all his life.
After he died, his wife returned to his restaurant with a psychic to try contacting him in the spirit world. The psychic went into a trance and soon the wife thought she could sense her husbands presence.
"George, George, is that you?" asked his wife
"Yes, it's me," said a faint voice.
"Come closer, George, I can hardly hear you," she said.
"Sorry," came the reply, "that's not my table."
How's your new job as a night watchman?
I'm really good at it. The slightest noise wakes me up.
Polish hammer throw athlete disqualified at Olympics...................................
...........................................for using ball-peen hammer.
Sad to relate..............................
In the men's steeplechase final, again this Olympics...............................................................................
...................they failed to catch the steeple.
Wife: before we were married you used to give me expensive gifts
Husband:yea so
Wife:why don’t you do it anymore
Husband: do you see a fisherman giving worms to a fish after catching it!!
A reporter was sent to give an interview with one of the oldest men in town, the reporter asks him how old are you? The old man says, I’m 96, the reporter asks what you attribute your longevity to, the old man says, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, and I don’t mess around with bad women! Just then he hears a loud bang from upstairs, the reporter asks what was that? The old man says, OH that was dad he’s drunk again!!
Merve says to his girlfriend, I can’t marry you my family is totally against it!
Girlfriend says who are they to stop us?
Merve says my wife and 2 kids!!
My wife and I can never agree on vacations
I want to go to an exotic island and stay in a 5-star hotel,
and she wants to come with me!!
Linda goes to the doctor, and she says, my husband is talking in his sleep have you got something to cure that?
The doctor says, give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake!!
What’s the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife ?
At least the man has a chance of winning the lottery!!
Why is it ?
A woman can argue for 3 straight hours, but 2 minutes into a blow job, all of a sudden her jaw hurts.
Wife ( coming home from shopping ):
"Dammit, the rain got me all wet."
Me: "Really ? You get turned on by the weirdest shit !"
Tropical storm Debby blows cocaine..
Tropical storm Debby blew over $ 1 million worth of cocaine onto beach in Florida.
That's a lot of blow Debby blew.
Grandpa to grandson:
"How many times do I have to tell you not to slide down grandma's boobs !"
Sign seen in tavern mens room...
We aim to please... You aim too, please.
Say hello to my little friend.
Great movie line.
Horrible first date line.
I'm living life dangerously.
Tonight I'm taking both a sleeping pill and a laxative.
If someone made an action figure of me.
The box would would have to specify 'action not included'
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.
"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."
Alcohol, tobacco & firearms! Sounds like my last
family reunion plus 15 buckets of KFC original.
Stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope, where's the Keith Richards Memorial Hospital?
I met a giant once. I didn't know what to say,
so I just used big words.
Hear about the peep hole in girl's locker room?
Police are looking into it.
Did you about the stolen dog collar?
Police are looking for leads.
What's this world coming to?....
I read that people are dying now that have never died before.
At my age, I have social security sex...........
I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.
Trump: “I need to find a way to get to 270.”
J.D.: “Maybe you could give up McDonald’s, Sir.”
An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.
The Scotsman says "Drinks for everyone in the house, on me. I'm paying everybody's tab for the night!" The pub erupts in cheers.
The next day, the headline of the front page of the newspaper read "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind local pub"
The phrase "Don't take this the wrong way"
has a zero percent success rate.
At some point in my life I switched from taking acid to taking antacid.
Cleavage is like the sun, if you're wearing dark
glasses you can look at them longer without injury .
Did you hear about the pig farmer who joined a
terrorist organization ?...................................................................Ham-ass.
If I can say one good thing about my wife's cooking, it broke the dog from begging at the dinner table
If attacked by a bear, play dead.
It will be good practice for when you die a few minutes later.
I'm into fitness.
Right now I'm fitness large maple bar in my mouth
A man and a woman CAN be just friends without there being any sex involved...
It's called marriage.
Just to clarify...
I'm not fat, I am just a few meals ahead and a few shits behind..
When I look in a mirror and see grey hair, tiny wrinkles and dimming eyes.
I think, "They sure don't make mirrors like they used to."
Did you hear the joke about he roof?
It's just as well. It is over your head!
I did some repair work on it....................
................and came down with a bad case of shingles.
Bubba, after making love to his girlfriend was
confronted by her with,"If I get pregnant, what will we name
our child ?" Bubba removing his condom, tying a knot in it, and
flushing it down the toilet said, " If he can get through that we'll
call him Houdini !"
What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?
No ballroom.
It took me an hour to grill a chicken, but in the end,
it didn't tell me why it crossed the road !
Best thing about a sword, it does not run out of bullets.
I think my wife is cheating on me.
I asked her if there was any chance of sex this evening,
and she replied "Not if you are home".
While golfing a woman is stung by a bee. She
runs up to the club pro for help, and he says, "Where were you stung ?"
Our heroine responds,"between the first and the second hole." The golf
pro snickers and says," I think your stance was to wide !"
Linda was having trouble finding a boyfriend so her mother set her up with a blind date after the date her mother asked how it went?
Linda said, Terrible he owns a 1922 Rolls Royce
Her mother asked what’s so bad about that? Linda said, he’s the original owner!!!
Linda woke up and said to her husband I dreamt last night that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day,
what do you think that means? He said, you will find out tonight!
That night he gave her a small gift and when she opened it was a book called the meaning of dreams!!
A man was in the graveyard with his arms wrapped around a gravestone and he was sobbing uncontrollably screaming why did you have to die,
why did you have to die! A man walked up to him and asked, was it a relative? He said, no, the man asked was it a close friend then?
He said no, it was my wife’s first husband!!!
Lego store Grand Opening was a big deal....
People were lined up for blocks....
I just want someone to laugh at my jokes...
the way Kamala laughs at questions she doesn't know the answer too.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said, "you have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on."
I said "Na, you're just pulling my leg."
I dipped my balls in glitter today.
Pretty nuts, huh ?
You know your secretary needs a hearing aid,
when you walk into the room, she immediately grabs
your nuts and you have to explain," I said hold my calls !"
A top-secret government study indicates that we wouldn't be any worse off if we let the economists predict the weather
and the meteorologists predict the economy.
- Paul Harwitz, Wall Street Journal, March 19, 1980
Chiropractors who work for veterinarians:
Animal crackers
The sweet thing my wife says to me every time after sex:
Happy Birthday!
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I go down the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works!
I already have three people following me... two police officers and a psychiatrist!
Scheffler Morikawa DeChambeau MacIntyre Rai 274
An 18yr.old girl bought a tiny bikini and showed
her mom. "How do I look Mom ?" our heroine said. Her
mother smiled and said," If I wore that bikini at your age
you would have been 5yrs. older !
I was observing two men that were working for the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while I had to ask, “Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”
George Will's list of the three least credible remarks:
1) The check is in the mail.
2) I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.
3) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
She offered her honor so I honored her offer, and all night I was on her and off her.
Shooter was kicked out of his schools rifle shooting club because he was such a poor
shot and dangerous to club members, Thankfully, he never improved !
Teacher: This class is so noisy I can't hear myself speak!
Student: That's okay, you ain't missing anything!
A man was sunbathing down at the beach naked.
For the sake of civility, he had a hat covering his privates. A woman
walks by and says,"If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat
in the company of a woman ! Our hero responds," If you weren't so
ugly the hat would raise itself !"
Our local rowing team won first place at their regatta yesterday.
They were completely exhausted when they finished.
It was a sight for oar-sighs.
A man walks into a bar and yells, "All lawyers are assholes !"
A man from the end of the bar yells, " I take exception to that remark !"
Are you a lawyer ? the first man asks. "No, but I'm an asshole !"
When my wife left, I felt a little sad in the beginning.
Then I got a dog; bought a Harley; and asked out a pretty neighbor next door.
My life was definitely looking better and brighter…
but now I’m thinking that I might be in trouble once my wife gets back home from work.
What do I think of my job as a tailor ?
It's just sew-sew.
I used to play the piano by ear.................
.......................but I found that it's much easier using my hands.
A foreign student came to America to study
theology and had to learn to speak English. After a while he had an interview with his college advisor.
"I hear you're doing better in English," said the advisor. "Now how about syntax?"
"Goodness," lamented the foreign student. "I didn't know I had to pay one."
Is there any difference between a wild horse and a tame horse?
Only a bit.
Oxymoronic phrases:
* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty
* Mathematics prof intelligence
A hooker named her dog "Tiz"
You would often hear her walking down the street yelling "here Tiz............."here Tiz".
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - One to screw it in most of the way and one to give it a surprise twist at the end.
How do you give a compliment to a girl with a cold sore.
You tell her, her smile is contagious !
What do you get if a topless blonde is rubbing
lotion on a topless brunette ? Your camera.
I told my suitcases there would be no vacation
this year. Now I have to deal with all the emotional baggage.
I'm reading a book on the history of glue.
I'm stuck on chapter 3.
What did the Texan say when he ordered apple pie at his local restaurant ?
" REMEMBER THE ALA MODE !"
My English Shepherd herded my sheep into the back pasture.
I asked her how many she managed to bring in. She said 'forty'.
I reminded my dog we only had 37 sheep. She says 'I know that, I rounded them up'.
My family is in iron and steel.
My sister irons and my mother steals.
What's the difference chasing women at 30 and chasing women at 70?
At 70, you only chase women downhill !
The wise man never argues with the fool; casual observers may not be able to tell which is which.
Never argue with stupid people...
they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience
An English professor wrote the words:
" A woman without her man is nothing".
on the chalkboard and asked the students to punctuate it correctly.
All the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing".
All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing".
Punctuation is powerful.
I'm giving up masturbating for an entire month.
Oops, sorry...........
I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.
I started a club for erectile dysfunction.
It was a flop, and no one came.
If you are an American when you go into a bathroom and an American when you come out,
what are you when you are inside ?
European
Me: "Was it good for you too, dear ?"
Wife: "I don't think it would have been good for anyone !"
Thelma and Louise spent an entire movie challenging sexist stereotypes
...................then ended up dying due to terrible driving.
Did you hear? Aunt Jemima wrote a new cookbook?
It's selling like hotcakes!
A diner was agitated that the waiter didn't bring him a spoon with his coffee.
"This coffee," he said loud enough for most other persons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."
The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen, and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.
"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed
As Mark Twain approached his death he was seen reading the Bible, most unusual for him.
Someone asked him if he was repenting as his time drew near.
Twain replied, "No, I'm looking for loopholes."
In view of the stupidity of the majority of the people, a widely held opinion
is more likely to be foolish than sensible.
- Bertrand Russell, Marriage and Morals
I hired a clown to deliver flowers to my wife.
It was a romantic jester.
I start with a "P" and end in "ORN". I play a major role in the film industry.
What am I ?..........................................................POPCORN.
How's the chicken soup today?
Waiter: It's pretty fowl
I went to see the doctor about my constipation.
He wrote me a prescription for Taco Bell.
My wife said, “I don’t really understand the science behind human cloning.”
Me: Well,….that makes two of us.
Waiter, there's a footprint in my breakfast!
Well, you ordered an omelet and told me to step on it!
What do you call a happy feminist ?
IDK, but if I ever see one, I'll ask her.
An aviation enthusiast enters a bar. He asks, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?"
The bartender laughs and says, "Sorry, we only have plain chips."
You can make a capitalist poor and they’ll still believe in Capitalism.
But if you make a socialist rich, you have a new capitalist.
"Not all who wander are lost"...................
Many are just looking for golf balls.
Never pickup up a lost golf ball until it stops rolling - Mark Twain
I'm so old.........
When I'm faced with temptations I choose the one that gets me home before dark
I say my prayers in the morning and the first one is "Thanks for letting me wake up.
I paraphrase that old saying to, "Lordy, Lordy, I wish i was forty, But i'd settle for 60 today"
My first convertible was a covered wagon.
Waiter, what's this insect in my soup?
How should I know? I'm a waiter, not an entomologist.
Fact: Women are turning into good drivers.
So, if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning into you.
Smoking marijuana in Iraq will get you stoned.
My girlfriend says I'm an animal in bed.
That's her nice way of saying I'm a selfish pig.
How hot are your hot tamales?
Cook: Well, if more than three customers eat them at the same time the sprinkler system goes on.
When I turned 13, my dad said
"Son, you can get a woman one of three ways. By being rich, good-looking or funny."
Then he gave me my birthday gift - The Book of 1001 Jokes."
Words from dad...
Don't do as I do... Do as I say do.
What happens when an astronaut masturbates
in space ?
He defiles gravity.
I was kicked out of a hospital for exposing
myself to a nurse. It was an honest mistake...........I put the gown on backwards.
I don't have life insurance, because............
I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it..................as a burden to my family.
They say if you have something you haven't
used in 6 months you should get rid of it. Problem is, my wife won't leave.
The neighbor lady asked for my help.
The neighbor lady asked for my help. .
I toted my shot gun over there, and, yup I shot two very different loads into two very different beavers.
I own an actual Peter Pan turd.
That shit never gets old.
“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius”. –Sid Caesar.
Don't ever use Kentucky jelly on your toast.
That KY jelly tastes terrible.
Remember............your job as a married woman
is to notice when a man is happy...........and immediately put an end to that nonsense.
A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."
I was kicked out of a hospital for exposing myself to a nurse.
It was an honest mistake...........I put the gown on backwards.
Staff Meeting...
Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four-thirty on Friday afternoons.
When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. "I will tell you why. I've learned that's the only time of the week when none of you wants to argue with me."
An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.
Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."
"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."
Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him."
Justin Timberlake........................
From INSYNC to INJAIL. Quite the multitasker.
The party that can't define a woman
says you're not a woman if you don't vote for them.
I don't have life insurance, because............
I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it..................as a burden to my family.
One day a guy wanted to mow his lawn.
"I really need to mow the lawn but it's very hot outside, what would the neighbors think if I did it naked?" He asked his wife.
"They would think I married you for your money"
They say if you have something you haven't
used in 6 months you should get rid of it. Problem is, my wife won't leave
The neighbor lady asked for my help.
She said the creek running through her property was getting dammed-up.
I toted my shot gun over there, and, yup I shot two very different loads into two very different beavers.
My regular Dr's couldn't solve my foot pain so I found a specialist in traditional medicine.
I was limping badly, so was desperate.
This doctor felt both feet, and said, "So only your right foot hurts, correct?"
"Yes," I replied.
"If can I stop your limp, you owe me $500, deal?"
"Yes!" I replied.
So the doc grabbed a sledge hammer and suddenly pounded my left foot. I screamed in pain.
"Now walk", insisted the doc.
Sure enough, my limp was gone, as both feet hurt evenly, balancing my walk. I was obligated to pay the fucker $500 despite now having double the pain.
Me: "Doc, can you prescribe something to keep me from sleepwalking ?"
Doctor: "Absolutely not....................you need the exercise."
I own an actual Peter Pan turd.
That shit never gets old.
“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius”. –Sid Caesar.
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.'
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
Don't ever use Kentucky jelly on your toast.
That KY jelly tastes terrible.
“I was sacked from my job as an electrician at the prison service
for refusing to repair an electric chair. I told them it was a death trap.”
Death: “It's your time. give me your hand.”
anticom: “No! I know that if I don’t touch you then I'll never die!”
Death: “Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!”
anticom: *high fives*
Death: “What a total dumbass!”
Piper pilot took his pilot’s exam just after a storm, and flew through a rainbow.
He passed with flying colors.
My friend always gets angry and violent when he's in a dinghy race...
He has rowed rage.
Went in for a colonoscopy. Their equipment was broken,
so they used a tapeworm with a tiny GoPro camera strapped to its head.
Back in the day there was a diet plan marketed. You took the red pill and you started losing weight.
When you achieved the weight you wanted, you took the white pill.
The white pill killed the tapeworm that had been inside the red pill.
Orphan: "Doc, why won't you examine me ?"
Doctor: "Because I'm a FAMILY doctor."
Most orphans are aggressive gamblers.
When you tell them "Go big or go home" they only have one option.
The selfie craze started with orphans.
20 years ago schools started requiring students to bring in a family photo.
During sex with my orphan g/f I yelled out
"Who's your daddy?".
I guess it was a bit insensitive
After I turned 70, I started keeping a fire extinguisher next to my birthday cake.
My Latin wife dances a lot as she keeps the floors clean...
She likes to rumba...
A reported ask Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"
Joe replied, "Depends"
Take a look at...
A recent video of Joe Biden. Age 81.
Then, a recent video of Mick Jagger. Age 80.
Maybe sex, drugs, and rock and roll ain't such a bad thing.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town,
looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
Wanna freak out your vaxed, mask wearing neighbors?
Pop some bubble wrap in front of them and remind them that the air inside came from China
Henry Winkler on an airplane flight.
The flight attendant asked him, "Would you like some headphones?"
He replied, "Of course I would... but it's pronounced Fonz. "
When it comes to Cocaine I have to draw a line.
T-shirt seen on a baby:
I just did nine months on the inside.
I don't think online dating is for me.
Everyone keeps sending me pictures of their mirrors.
I'm not judging. I'm just not that into mirrors.
"You must be the worst sex partner I've ever had!"
"Isn't that a bit of a hasty judgement based on just 30 seconds?"
Remember when "it's complicated" was a
relationship status, not a gender status?
Scheffler, DeChambeau, Morikawa, Fitzpatrick, Im - 270
If an AI robot lies to you what would you call it, mechanical bull?
You can swim with dolphins for free but to swim with sharks will cost you an arm and a leg.
Chuck Norris once attended a feminist rally.
He came back with his shirt ironed and holding a sandwich.
Kids like to pee their names in snow.
Chuck Norris pees his name in concrete.
My friend David lost his ID today.
Now I call him Dav.
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good.
Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught,
I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told,
"You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."
The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," said the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class."
Just got a new car for my wife.
Best trade I ever made.
I'm not saying my girlfriend is fat but her birthstone is Chocolate.
You can tell that a man masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely you'll see a wedding ring.
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles
Just met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee.
Brocco Lee.
Was listening to Elizabeth Warren on the car
radio when suddenly the "check injun" light came on.
Success is like a fart.............
It annoys people when it's not theirs.
An online survey .......
found that 0% of the world is Amish.
My sex life
When it comes to sex my wife likes to moan really loudly.
I just wish she'd do it during sex instead of before.
My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt.
It used to be a dolphin.
I requested a vanity license plate 3M TA3
The DMV turned me down when they figured out
what my front plate looked like in everyone's rear view mirror.
As his plane was coming in for a landing........ ....................a guy exposed himself to the passengers.
He was later charged with in-descent exposure.
I feel terrible.
If I'd known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote", my best friend would still be alive.
My uncle Frank wanted me to put his ashes
in his favorite beer mug. He wanted to be Frank-in-stein.
I live in Texas. I have two friends that are blonde and sisters. One day, they approached me and asked where the lighthouses were.
When I tried to probe a little bit, I was told, "Yeah, they're good paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper, but we don't know where the lighthouses are to apply."
I told them, "There are no lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that newspaper."
Sure enough, there were ads for... "Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in person."
I walked into a bar and immediately everyone
lined up to take a swing at me.
That's it...............................that's the punch line.
Boss: "You're the worst train conductor ever.
How many have you lost this year ?
Conductor: "Not sure. I lost track."
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing
all the people I treated badly had it coming.
I have a few marbles in my pocket to give to people who have lost theirs.
And to show to people that say I've lost mine.
I wanted to become a Gregorian monk
but I never had the chants.
I try not to fart when I'm at Burger King but when I do, it's a whopper.
A bus station is where the bus stops. A train station
is where the train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
My mother used to tuck me in every night.
She always wanted a girl.
It's not that I can't juggle....................
......................it's just that I don't have the balls to do it.
I tried doing 100 sit-ups but I didn’t finish.
My stomach couldn’t handle that kind of ab use.
One-liners
Recessions are started by people who fear recessions.
If we can't understand what he's saying, he's not a genius.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.
Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.
The law is a rule to the fool, but a guide to the wise.
Smile! It increases your face value.
Never fear shadows... they simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.
I'm so hungry, I could almost eat health food.
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
These days you can either lead or be misled.
Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
It's just as much work to be normal as it is to be ourselves.
We belittle the homeless even though we're the ones who wake up to alarm clocks.
Misery is too much work.
Sometimes you don't realize that you're in prison until you get out.
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt,Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh
His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
Tinder is for rookies.
I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses.
I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.
The things I did to make my wife happy.
I wore her underwear.
She didn't know I wore them but when she put them on the next day she thought she lost weight.
People claim to be into recycling but you should
see their faces when you rinse out a condom.
I recently saw a transvestite in a mini skirt .
I thought that shows a lot of balls.
If Karen Carpenter had eaten Mama Cass's
sandwich, they both might be alive today.
Letting a man with dementia run our federal government
proves just how little we need a federal government.
Cause of death: Pending.
I don't know what these pending things look like but I'll be running like a
Mofo when I find out.
My music teacher said I'm a baritone
because she can't bear my tone.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Nice saying, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted
I asked my mom...... if I was adopted.
She replied, " Of course not sweetie. If we had a choice, we wouldn't have selected you. "
Someone left a bottle of Vodka in my mailbox.
I don't know who did it but I'm going to get to the bottom of it.
A chicken and an egg go into the emergency
room of a hospital. The secretary says, "OK, who's first ?"
A man walks into an auto dismantler...
...and says to the employee behind the counter " I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo".
The employee thinks about this for a moment, then responds " Ok, that sounds like a fair trade".
What do cannibals do at a wedding?
They toast the bride and groom.
Saw a chameleon today.
( pretty shitty chameleon, eh ? )
I have a dog to provide me unconditional love.
I also have a cat to remind me that I don't deserve it. ( I like balance in my life )
Wife: "There's something wrong with you !"
Me: "What a thing to say right before our dog's first salsa lesson."
Paddy is at the airport and he’s carrying two full sacks, he gets to customs and the guy asks him if he had anything to declare? Paddy says no, so the customs officer takes him into a room and empties the bags and there’s all these different phones. The customs officer says, what about these? Paddy says, it’s got nothing to do with me when I was in America Murphy rang me and said he had just joined a band and could I bring him two sax of phones!!
Merve was sitting on his front porch looking quite down his Neighbor noticed this and asked him why he was so. Merve looks up at him and says, it’s one of those wife questions, she asked if I’d still love her when she was old and fat, the neighbor said that’s easy just say, of course I will. Merve said, I said of course I do!!!
I did my first nude painting this morning the neighbors weren’t happy, but the front door looks fantastic!!
My wife just found out she’s adopted which brought her to tears and she sobbed why didn’t they want me, she then asked me to make love to her so she could feel love. While making love she broke into hysteria, but I suppose saying who's your daddy was a bit insensitive!!
Little Johnny goes up to a policeman and says, my dad is in a fight at the bar He follows the boy to the bar and there are 3 men fighting, the policeman says, well which one is your dad? Little Johnny says that’s what the fight is about!!!
Linda hopped into a taxi completely naked the taxi driver saw this in his rear-view mirror and he said, madam you’ve got no clothes on! She replied that’s none of your business, he replied yes, it is you have no pockets or purse to pay me with. Linda put her leg up on his seat exposing her vagina and said
, will this do, the taxi driver said, do you have anything smaller!!!
To All the Husbands, I’ll Give You A Tip
If You come home from the bar late!
Don’t get into bed and slap her on the ass and say ok fatty your next!
I had a nice conversation with some dolphins....
Really? How did that happen?
I don't know. We just clicked...
Me: I'm having trouble with my hearing...
Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Sure! Homer is a fat guy and his wife, Marge, has blue hair.
Porno movies are a bad influence because they reinforce the stereotype that it's easy to get an electrician or a plumber to come to your house.
Scariest part of watching porn:
Your wife's footsteps coming down the hall towards the den.
We had a great dinner on Mother's Day.
After the family finished, Mom started doing the dishes.
Dad said, "Honey, this is Mother's Day. You don't have to do that. Save them for Tomorrow."
Nothing says "I love my dog" more, than spending
4 times more on its haircut than you do on your own.
Getting over diarrheas'
isn't the best feeling in the world, but it's a solid #2.
Who is Aurora Boring Alice I keep hearing about?
My obese parrot just died.
It was a real weight off my shoulder.
Another story from my life
The doctor told me that a banana a day could help me clean my colon.
It turned out that I was supposed to eat them.
Scheffler Straka Koepka Homa Cantlay 271