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A stock market crash is worse than a divorce.
You lose half your money and your wife is still around.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others.
The rest of us have to be the others.
Night sweats and hot flashes are nature's way of lowering your heating bill
so you can save more money for your retirement.
A woman asked me if I liked thighs or breast?
Apparently a shaved vagina was not an appropriate answer at KFC.
The best thing about KFC:
After you finish your meal, there's a greasy box to put your bone in.
I was having sex with the neighbor lady while my wife was out of town.
She was on top of me humping away while I was looking at the mirror above the bed.
Just then my wife unexpectedly walked in the bedroom. I said. "I know what this looks like."
I recently purchased a toilet brush. Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.
I bought my wife a toilet plunger.
She always loved bringing up old shit.
The difference between my girl friend's legs and Covid is, I don't want Covid to spread.
"Talk dirty to me," she begged.
Me: "OK.....................Volkswagen diesel."
It happened in Alabama...
A boy and a girl were walking through the woods when the boy said, “If you weren’t my sister, I’d hold your hand.”
She answered, “If you weren’t my brother, I’d let you.”
They agreed to pretend and walked on holding hands.
After a while, they stop and the boy says, “If you weren’t my sister, I’d kiss you.”
She answered, “If you weren’t my brother, I’d let you.”
They agreed to pretend and kissed.
After a while, the boy says, “If you weren’t my sister, I’d screw you.”
She answered, “If you weren’t my brother, I’d let you.”
They agree to pretend and went behind a tree.
They were screwing and the boy said, “You screw just like Mommy.”
She answered, “That’s what Daddy said.”
A guide is showing a Texan the Niagara Falls. "I'll bet you don't have anything like that in Texas!"
"Nope, I reckon we don't," said the Texan. "But we've got plumbers who could fix it."
My last words shall be, 'The money is buried next to the large
uuh, ooomph, schnnixxxx, umph, eeeeeh,,,, .'
Get the grand kids off those damn cell phones.
I got a crappy birthday present.......
A dictionary with the front and back pages missing.
Things just went from Bad to Worse.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
I told a joke on a Zoom meeting for work.......
Nobody laughed.
Turns out, I'm not even remotely funny.
I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 90 miles away.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
A midget friend just told me he was gay.
He finally came out of the cabinet.
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
Wizard of Oz...is 85 years old.
Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage, she wouldn't be in Oz.
She'd be in Congress!
Why is bread like the Sun?
It rises in the yeast and sets in the Waist.
What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mother's in law.
I don't understand your specific kind of stupid,
But I do admire your total commitment to it.
What's Amore...
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?
A bakery owner...
...hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a man entered the bakery, glanced at the young shop assistant, then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea and said, "I'd like some raisin bread please."
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to get a loaf of raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had imagined. When she descended the ladder, the man decided that he might as well get two loaves of raisin bread. As the shop assistant retrieved the second loaf, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on and requested his own loaf of raisin bread, followed by several other men asking for raisin bread.
After many trips up and down the ladder the girl was tired and irritated, and began wondering why the unusual interest in the raisin bread. At the top of the ladder one more time, she looked down and glared at the men standing below. Then she noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd and, thinking that she could save herself another trip, yelled at him, "Is it raisin for you too?"
The old gentleman cleared his throat and replied, "No, but it is quivering a little."
Feb 15th is my Valentines Day because
I get to spend that day with my true love:
Discount chocolate!
Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
A recent study....
...showed that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.
Now I've just got to figure out if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
It's been said that hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
A younger colleague asked what it's like getting old.
I told her: "Imagine every day is Monday..."
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese... ours is imported!"
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied: “Get out ... You're on my side."
A married couple in the Midwest were fast asleep when the phone rang...
The husband picks up the receiver... and after a few moments he yells into the phone...
"How the hell should I know...! That's over a thousand miles away..."
Then he slams down the phone... And, of course, this wakes up the wife...
In a sleepy voice she asks... "Who was on the phone...?"
In a grumbling tone, the husband replies...
"I have no idea... but It was someone asking if the coast was clear..."
I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.
Obviously, it wasn’t called that.
It was advertised as a "School Reunion..."
I've sure gotten old!
I have outlived my feet and my teeth. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I found a used football in a second hand store..
I picked it up and took it to the counter.
"How much is this?" I asked
"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"
"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.
So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.
"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".
"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".
He looked up and said "Sorry. Inflation".
A man was in bed with a young woman he had just met earlier in a bar. After they had done their business, and as they snuggled, he asked her "So, am I the first man you made love to?"
Squinting and focusing, she said, "Maybe, your face looks a little familiar."
My wife minored in psychology.
She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
"Yeah, I may be insecure, but we don't have a pool."
I joined an over-60 basketball league. We don't have jump balls.
The ref just puts the ball on the floor and whoever can bend down to pick it up gets possession.
I gave new meaning to the word "dribble."
I asked my wife if it was true that women think
of sex every 20 minutes. She said, "Yes, but not with you."
The biggest difference between men & women
is the meaning of the word "facial."
The only time my ex didn't fake an orgasm,
was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
I treat women like pieces of meat
I'm a vegan - I haven't touched one in years
Vegans don't beat their meat.
They beat their "0% dairy all organic tofu."
Had a fight with my wife-told her to kiss my ass
She said no, she's on a glute-free diet
Local Fireworks outlet near me is having a HUGE
sale on Telsa Battery packs....
After prepping for the pre-employment drug test
the woman hands me the sample jar and points to the bathroom with final instructions
no flushing , no running water, etc....
So I mustered up a sincere puzzled face and asked " where are the magazines? "
Her blank stare told me it went right over her head, the Doctor on the other side of room, however ....lost it.
Although we've been married 47 years, my wife and I have sex almost every night.
We almost had it on Monday, we almost had it on Tuesday, we almost had it on Wednesday.....
Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other:
"My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!.....
Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
I'm in a Walmart parking lot Watching a woman
Who can't remember where she parked her car.
Every time she holds her remote in the air I honk my horn.
Sad to report..........................
I "came" in a distant fourth in this year's World Masturbation Championships.
I thought I could defend my crown again this year, but I just didn't have it..
I'm still trying to come to "grips " with the loss.
Jack Mehoff was the eventual winner. It's tough to compete against these young "up and comers."
Only a biker knows why a dog sticks its head out the window...
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
Classic mindbender but still kinda funny
There are exactly threee erors in this sentence
My mother was surprised when I told her I was born again.
She said she didn't feel a thing.
I put my grandma on speed dial. ( insta-gram ).
People who take care of chickens:
Chicken tenders
Dog's favorite homework assignment:
Lab report
Winter: The season when we try to keep the house as hot
as it was in the summer when we complained about the heat.
World's first carpenter Eve was the world's first carpenter -
she made Adam's banana stand.
I have been criticized for marrying my wife for the money she inherited from her father.
That's ridiculous - I would have married her no matter who left her the money!
Stormy Daniels has a gag order.
How small is it that you have to tell someone to gag?
A guy hears a knock at the door.
He opens it up to find a snail. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street.
Five years go by.
One day he hears a knock on the door and opens it to see a snail.
The snail says, "What the heck was that about?!"
Guy says to a Blonde girl.
I bet I can guess exactly when you were born just by fondling your tits.
No way says the Blonde, go on then, so 10 minutes later the
Blonde says OK when was I born?
Guy says: Yesterday.
Blonde says don't be fucking stupid, have another go...
A guy sees his ex-wife at a bar and tells her, "I had wild sex with another woman last night but I was thinking of you all the time."
"Oh, so you miss me that much?" she asks. "No" he says "but it kept me from coming too fast".
There are three stages to a man's sex life. Tri weekly, Try weekly and Try weakly.
I informed my attorney, "I want a stipulation in my will that my wife is to inherit everything, but ONLY if she remarries within six months of my death."
"Why such an odd stipulation?" asked the attorney.
"Because," I said, "I just want to make sure that at least one person is sorry I died."
Do you know what happened 174 years ago this coming Fall....back in 1850?
California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So, basically nothing has changed except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
Jane: "I miss England."
Tarzan: "Me have no idea you beauty pageant winner."
I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
“That’s not a lizard,” the store clerk told me.
“That’s a stand-up chameleon.”
First Day at Work...
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
A mean looking cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found that his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired four shots into the ceiling.
The saloon fell silent.
"Which one of you yellow belly sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
Nobody uttered a word.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and I’m warning you all, if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! and I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas again!!!”.
He fired two more bullets into the ceiling for emphasis.
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk all the way home by myself in the dark ."
Ancient Rome -
Roman #1: "Do you know how many women I've slept with ?"
Roman #2: "mmm....................................."
Roman #1: "Oh, no..................not nearly that many"
My daughter took a Roman Numeral math test
I hope she gets a C
Who is in favor of bringing Roman numerals back?
I for one.
Every morning, I take my cow on a long walk
through the local vineyard.
I herd it through the grapevine.
Robinhood and his band of "Merrymen" were having an evening of R &R while camped in Sherwood Forest.
Friar Tuck was imbibing in the Ale a lot and was getting way too loud and boisterous!
Robinhood became fearful that all the noise might reveal the location of their camp to the Sheriff of Nottingham and his posse.
He and a few of his "Merrymen" dragged Friar Tuck to a nearby lake and tossed him in, thinking that the chilly water might have a sobering and silencing effect.
They were wrong, which only goes to prove that "You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse!"
On doctor's orders, George had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.
George's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."
On doctor's orders, George had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.
George's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."
A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.
The little boy left the table to use the restroom by him- self. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world
I told them to get lost ...............
.Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager asked, “Do you mind waiting a bit?”
I said, “No”.
“Good,” he said. “Take these drinks to table nine.”
Once I got married, people stopped asking me about my sex life.
They already knew I no longer had one.
Marriage is full of surprises, like.............
"Do you have to do that right now ?"
Little Johnny: ( spits out food )
Mom: "BILLY ! we swallow what we have in our mouth !"
Dad: ( looks at mom )
Mom: "Shut up"
Einstein ( to wife ): "Tell me what you need.."
Wife: "I just need some space and time."
Einstein: "Ok, what's the second thing ?"
I went to the Space Museum. They have a lot of it.
When I look in a mirror
and see grey hair, tiny
wrinkles and dimming eyes,
I think "They sure don't
make mirrors like they used to."
Doctor: "Do you participate in dangerous activities ?"
Me: "Well, sometimes I argue with my wife."
Husband and wife are hard asleep................
Suddenly, the wife blurts out, "Quick, my husband is home !"
This wakes up the husband from a dead sleep and he jumps out the window.
Wife: "You know what ? I refuse to talk to you about this anymore !"
( ten seconds later ): "And you know what else ?"
Just had a big argument with my wife about going on vacation..
I wanted to go to Rome, and she wanted to come along.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beach, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the birch says to the beach, "Is that a son of a beach or a son of a birch?" The birch says that he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beach or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small sapling tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beach nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
A fart is like success.
It only bothers you when it's not your own.
The republicans have made a joke on trickle-down economics ...
but, hardly anyone will get it.
Remember, before the internet, how everybody thought that the cause of stupidity was limited access to information?
"I'm not saying that your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying that the canary was alive before you showed up."
Did you know that there is not one canary in the Canary Islands? Same thing on the Virgin Isles — not one canary.
My neighbor won $4 million on the lottery last weekend -- so he decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now he has $3,999,999.75.
At the store today there was an X on the floor for me to stand on. I've seen too many RoadRunner cartoons to fall for that crap.
"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others." (Henry Youngman)
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'" (Rita Rudner)
"Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks." (Jean Kerr)
"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison." (Tim Allen)
"I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags." (Gwyneth Paltrow)
Aliens are going to be super confused when they
show up threatening to overthrow our leaders,
and we are all stoked and offer to help.
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Mary: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions . . . like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
Clean Breakfast...
Joe: "This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast."
Sam: "I bet you were mad."
Joe: "Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!"
Waiter: "How would you like your steak, sir ?"
Me: "Like winning an argument with my wife."
Waiter: "OK, rare it is then."
Wife: "Why did you cheat on me ?"
Me: "She was lying on the table naked. What was I supposed to do ?
Wife: "Perform the damn autopsy !"
I saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this
morning. That can only mean one thing.................................................it's laundry day.
A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five-dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar.
The bartender picked up the five-dollar bill, folded it carefully, and tucked it in his vest pocket.
Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him.
Doing a bit of fast thinking, he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five-dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."
My Forgetter...
My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say, "What am I here for?"
I rack my brain, but all in vain
A zero is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "Who was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
When I argue with my wife, I always get the last
word in........................................................................................"Sorry"
My wife takes the stairs and I take the elevator
( we were raised differently )
Doctor: "Your wife is in the hospital."
Me: "How is she ?"
Doc: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Yeah, you'll get used to it after a while."
Chuck Norris took a CPR class.
He resuscitated the dummy, who now lives in Colorado with his wife and two kids.
A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the governor -- it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer.
After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place," begged the attorney.
"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the funeral home," replied the governor.
We received about 20 inches of snow this week so
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it should have been two snowmen instead.
8:22 - The transgender man / woman / person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not to be used to decorate snow figures.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.
8:37 - Then I was accused of using a black face on the snow person.
8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered.
8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The 'council on equality' officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything, marched down the street demanding that I be arrested.
9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.
10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman...
Seniors' favorite board game: Sorry....I forgot
We'll be friends until we're old and senile.....
Then we'll be new friends.
Why did the senior cross the road ?
He forgot where he parked his car.
I don't travel anymore. I'm where I want to be.
I'm not feeling well
I don't know if it's Covid, Sars, Bird Flu, Swine Flu, Mers, Ebola, Asian Flu, Spanish Flu, Russian Flu,
or the 4 pounds of bacon I ate
This was an odd year.
Next year will get even though.
I don't support Biden, but I would never denigrate his supporters.
If you're a Biden supporter, "denigrate" means "to put down."
Looking for a wife
A guy advertised online for a wife.
He got 200 replies in the first hour.
Most of them said “You can have mine.”
A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After he was sworn in, the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.
After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident, he finally got around to the meat of the case: "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."
A man in an interrogation room says,
“I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Trump said "It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world. Believe me."
This guy asked me what I did for a living.
I said, "breathe in, breathe out."
I thought about cleaning the house, but then I
thought...........................what has the house done for me lately ?
The only instant messaging I do is with my middle finger.
Joe Biden is doing the work of three men.
Larry, Curley and Moe.
Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.
The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
Shout out to my golfing buddies.................
.......................cuz that's the only way they can hear me.
I'm rich.....................................
Silver in my hair, gold in my teeth, crystals in my kidney, and sugar in my blood.
My wife got me to stop chewing my nails.
She hid my teeth.
It took all this time to get my head together.
Now my body is falling apart.
How are Kobe Bryant and Melania Trump similar?
They both got rich by playing with orange balls.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids?
A Traffic Cone!
What did you expect me to say....
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
A Sunday school teacher said to the children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.
But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
I play on a senior hockey team.
The other night I scored three goals ( a geri-hat-trick ).
As a former pastry chef, I know that old age can
really crepe up on you.
Doctor (to me): "Age got muffin on you."
I have a structured retirement..................
( a rigid nap schedule).
At my age, I turn down the lights to be
economical....................not to be romantic.
As I was walking out the door, the wife asked...
"How long will you be gone?"
I replied; "the whole time".
Every time I think about past it brings up......
so many memories.
Someone put up a sign that read.......
"don't even think about parking here"
So I parked there without giving it a second thought.
Fixed income & inflation aside, I'm still having 'surf and turf' tonight.
I have an expired can of Spam and a can of tuna.
If you are going Christmas shopping today be nice to the retail workers.
It's not their fault you waited until Mary's water broke to start shopping.
Why did the elf put his bed in the fireplace ?
He wanted to sleep like a log.
What kind of car does an elf drive ?
A Toy-ota
Teacher ( Miss Johnson ):
"Johnny, your word is urinate. Now first spell the word, then use it in a sentence."
Little Johnny: "Yes Miss Johnson, urinate.................u-r-i-n-a-t-e."
Miss Johnson: "Very good Johnny. Now use it in a sentence."
Johnny ( thinks for a minute ): "Miss Johnson, urinate. If you had any tits you'd be a ten !"
( Little Johnny heads off to the principal's office )
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years....
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Santa is gay He just came out of the claus-et.
What does Santa clean his sleigh with ?
Santa-tizer.
Santa is good at karate. (He has a black belt)
Cross between Saint Nick and a detective.
Santa Clues
What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride ?
A Holly Davidson
I asked my Scout master if he could approve a merit badge, even tho I failed the knot tying requirement.
He said "I'm a frayed knot"
I've heard of forced wedlock, but c'mon.....
On this date in 1820, Missouri imposed a "bachelor" tax on all unmarried men between the ages of 21 and 50.
But... I guess it's still the same.
People that file single usually pay more.
Actual product you can buy off Amazon:
Happy Nuts Comfort Cream -
Un-ball-ievably fresh - Prevents chafing ( I'm not making this up, check it out )
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and he went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well. As the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Just saw a one-thousand-year-old oil stain.
It was from ancient Greece.
What's the opposite of a croissant ?
A happy uncle.
Is it just me or do owls look like they've just
seen a vagina for the first time ?
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'"
How can you tell the age of a fake xmas tree ?
By the TAPE rings on the box !
Forget health food.
I'm at an age where I need all the preservatives I can get
As you get older your secrets are safe with your friends.
because they can't remember them either
I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
My wife texted me “I love u”.
I said that’s my favorite letter, too...
Every time I get a headache, I take 2 Ibuprofen and keep away from my children.
Just like the bottle says...
Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"
Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed..."
To teach my kids about democracy.
I let them vote on dinner.
They picked tacos.
Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
I saw a sign on a store that said ..............
Big Sale...Last Week. I went in the store and told them they needed to take their sign down if the sale is over.
Cat: "The humans have added shiny, fragile toys to the tree,
yet I'm not allowed near it. Their evil knows no bounds !"
Wife: "Why don't you say you love me anymore?"
Me: "I told you once. If anything changes, I'll let you know."
Does anyone else out there put things in a safe
place and then forget where that safe place is ?
I'd rather be over the hill................
............than under it.
All-nighter: didn't have to pee until 8:am this morning.
Do people in electric cars listen to....
AC/DC or something current?...
I rolled up a stiff carpet and smoked it.
( I'm addicted to hard rugs )
Sometimes I smoke weed in the rain..............
..................but never in hail.
I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday.
My kleptomania is getting really bad.
How do you know that you entered Nebraska?
The cows start looking better than the Women.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me anymore."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
Grandma's revenge
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied. "I remember..."
As it turns out . . .
When asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick one of your own.
The U.S. Postal Service recently issued a stamp honoring the one hundredth anniversary of the first flight by the Wright Brothers.
The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.
The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.
And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.
It sounds to me that a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio.
How do you get a farm girl's attention ?
A tractor.
What did the policeman say to his belly button ?
You're under a vest.
How do lumberjacks know how many trees they've cut ?
They keep a log.
Which state has the most streets ?
Rhode Island
could tell my boat was sick................
..........................so I took it to the dock.
A guy with a stutter just died in prison,
before he could finish his sentence.
To all of you out there who don't believe in oral sex.
.................................................keep your mouths shut.
I was walking through the cemetery this morning
and I saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone.
I said, "Morning.."
He said, "No, just taking a dump."
I was walking down the road and saw my Arab
neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, :What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"
Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.
Getting married is like getting into a bathtub.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
I'm not attracted by a girlies mind...
But by what she doesn't mind.
Guns don't kill people.... <
Husbands who come home early kill people.
There are only two four letter words that are
offensive to me - don't and stop...
unless they are used together.
Marriage and Men...
- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home.
- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face.
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.
- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects that prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!
You know you're a Floridian if.....
Socks are only for GOLF. And Golf is still only for yuppies and non-natives.
A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
Your winter coat is made of denim.
Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.
You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix. (AMEN!!!!)
Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.
You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
You dread love bug season.
You know what a snowbird is and ......when they'll leave.
'Down South' means Key West.
Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for golf and church.
You have a drawer full of shorts, and one sweatshirt.
You know the four seasons really are: Hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer.
You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Withlacoochee , Thonotosassa, Okefenokee, Ponte Vedra, Boca Raton, and Micanopy.
You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.
You know what is meant when someone says "Florida is the only state where the farther south you go the farther north you get!"
You recognize Miami-Dade as ' Northern Cuba ' or South New Yawk.
What does the Canadian guy say after drinking an IPA?
"I pee, eh?"
A few years ago the Pope visited New York and was taken around by Henry Kissinger. They visited the Bronx Zoo and Kissinger showed the Pope one cage where a lion was with a young lamb, which snuggled up next to the lion.
The Pope was amazed. "For 2000 years, we've prayed for signs of the messianic era and the prophesy that the lion will lie down next to the lamb. I see you must really be a man of peace. How did you do it?"
To which Kissinger replied, "All it needs is a new lamb a day!"
There's always two sides to every story and
I seem to be the asshole in both of them.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
And they respond: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja"
My neighbor is Bulimic
She was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...
"For goodness sake, keep it down!"
Wife: "What are you going to do today ?"
Me: "Nothing"
Wife: "You did that yesterday."
Me: "I know, ............I wasn't finished."
Getting older has its benefits.
Just say, "I'm having a senior moment" and you can get away with pretty much anything.
One cell phone to another:
"That's right dear..........................our ancestors had tails."
Old Vikings:
"Sven, we're getting old. Pill-age just doesn't have the same meaning it used to."
My wife and I were walking in the park and passed a bench with two old guys sitting on it.
My wife said, "I can't believe those are actually whistling at me." I said, "They're not whistling, they're wheezing."
A third-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down, and I turned off the lights. Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z, and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw.
Without hesitation he replied, "Consonants."
Sign of our times...
A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school. However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said,
'Don't feel bad fella'...they won't let ME in either'.
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old mother says, "Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."
Just wondering.................
Do 3 glasses of wine and 2 Bloody Marys equal 5 servings of fruit and vegetables ?
My doctor told me to get off the couch.
So now I watch TV in bed..............problem solved.
Junk: Something you keep around for years
and throw out just before you need it.
I am a man of my word.......................
...........................and that word is "useless."
Teacher: "What's your name ?"
Student: "D....D....D......David."
Teacher: "Do you have a stutter ?"
Student: "No, my parents do."
How are friends like snow ?
If you pee on them, they disappear.
Cannibal: Someone who walks into a restaurant
and orders the waiter.
My one regret in life.................
....................is that I'm not someone else.
My Dr. told me to "eat less fatty."
"So I should avoid things like cream or fried food?"
He clarified, "I meant that you should eat less, Fatty."
Someone stole my mood ring...
...I don't know how I feel about that!
Someone stole my camouflage clothing and my wheelchair.
They can hide, but they can't run.
I once sponsored a walk for charity.
I made so much money, I called for a taxi.
I went to a body shop yesterday.
I opened the door to the place, poked my head in and said, "Thanks, but I already have one."
I wonder what the word "dots" looks like in braille.
I was wondering....................
How fast does a Zebra have to run before it looks grey ?
After fifty years of wondering why he didn't look like his
younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve
to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were, son," his mother said as she started to cry
softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."
The Spice Girls reunion tour
(with special guests Salt-N-Pepa) was just announced.
It will be called the Allspice Seasonal Tour, presented by Old Spice
A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated
on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way: If anything
happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
I'm considering moving to Mongolia..............
.....................even though it has its pros and Khans.
Where did french fries originate from ?
Greece
I had a dream the other night. I was in the Old West riding
in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulled up to
the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse
pulled up on the right.
The man leaned down, pulled open the door, and jumped off
his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opened the other door
and jumped onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that
about?"
He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
Mr. Jones died.
Later that night the funeral home calls Mrs. Jones.
"So sorry to bother you in your time of grieving, Mrs. Jones, but as you know, your husband died with an erection and we can't close the casket. What would you like us to do?"
"Well," said Mrs. Jones, "He doesn't really need it anymore, so just cut it off."
The man from the funeral home says ok, and then hangs up. A few hours later he calls back. "So sorry to bother you in your time of grieving, Mrs. Jones, but what should we do with it?"
Mrs. Jones says, "Well, He should die with it, so just shove it up his ass."
The man from the funeral home says ok, and then hangs up.
The next day at the funeral, Mrs. Jones walks up to her beloved husband, looks down at him lovingly, and she notices a tear in his eye.
So she leans down close and says, "IT HURTS, DON'T IT!!!!"
This will be the 7th year in a row my mother-in-law will be coming to our house for Thanksgiving.
I think this might be the year we let her in.
I have a soft spot for my mother-in-law.
It's in the garden right behind the garage.
The other night I picked up my mother-in-law from the airport.
Don't blame me...................those airport lounges are really dark.
Pharmacist ( to me ):
"In order to buy arsenic, you need a legal prescription.
A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough."
I still remember what my mother-in-law said just before she died:
"Stop shaking the ladder, you little bastard !!!"
Why you should always lock your car...
An accordion player had a regular gig in a neighboring town.
He had a station wagon so he could haul his instrument easily.
One night, on the way home, he stopped for a cup of coffee.
While he was inside, he realized that he had forgotten to lock the car,
and had left his accordion in plain view in the back.
He rushed outside, but it was too late--
Someone had put another accordion in his car.
In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.
While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.
The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.
I asked the doctor why do you tap people in the knee with that rubber hammer?
and he said it's just for kicks.
One Liners...
A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.
I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the
time.
Success is getting what you like, happiness is liking what
you get.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
The trouble with a three-day weekend is that it turns
Tuesday into Monday.
You think this is a free country until you move into a
subdivision with a homeowners' association.
The world is full of willing people, some willing to work,
the rest willing to let them.
Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to
see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?
It never occurs to some people that there is a big
difference between giving advice and lending a hand.
Elections should be held on Christmas. That way, if we don't
like who we elect, we can exchange them.
If something goes without saying, let it!
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them
while driving.
If you want a new idea, read an old book.
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
You can't make your candle burn brighter by blowing out the
other fellow's.
I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35 mile zone, but I
told them I was dyslexic.
I figured out a way to slow down inflation. Turn it over to
a government worker!
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move
away is your husband.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is
that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
My wife used to have an hourglass figure........
................then the sand shifted.
Just looked up my family tree...............
.............and found three dogs using it.
When I was a boy, I use to lie in my twin bed
and wonder where my brother was.
How do you make a motherboard ?
Tell her about your job.
I can't wait until they can put wings on humans. Because if they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs,
and when they can put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex.
Thanksgiving man ! Not a good day to be my pants !
Black Friday...
Because only in America do people trample others for sales,
exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have!
Frivolous lawsuit...
A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...”
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed
in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,
and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and
found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted
on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye
and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,
"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son,” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,
"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”