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Feb 15th is my Valentines Day because
I get to spend that day with my true love:
Discount chocolate!
Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
A recent study....
...showed that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.
Now I've just got to figure out if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
It's been said that hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
A younger colleague asked what it's like getting old.
I told her: "Imagine every day is Monday..."
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese... ours is imported!"
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied: “Get out ... You're on my side."
A married couple in the Midwest were fast asleep when the phone rang...
The husband picks up the receiver... and after a few moments he yells into the phone...
"How the hell should I know...! That's over a thousand miles away..."
Then he slams down the phone... And, of course, this wakes up the wife...
In a sleepy voice she asks... "Who was on the phone...?"
In a grumbling tone, the husband replies...
"I have no idea... but It was someone asking if the coast was clear..."
I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.
Obviously, it wasn’t called that.
It was advertised as a "School Reunion..."
I've sure gotten old!
I have outlived my feet and my teeth. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I found a used football in a second hand store..
I picked it up and took it to the counter.
"How much is this?" I asked
"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"
"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.
So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.
"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".
"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".
He looked up and said "Sorry. Inflation".
not to be discussed here. Take the politics somewhere else please
Buckey
That is the joke this country has become
laugh or cry
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Its a joke board. Is there a joke in there or some political rant of which I am sure there are 100 other places to post that.
Thanks
It never fails.
Whenever the cackling hens of Boston’s state-run media start slobbering over some left-wing female, it’s only a matter of time until their latest crush gets jammed up.
Monica Cannon-Grant.
Rachael Rollins.
Dianne Wilkerson.
Kendra Lara.
And now it’s happened again, right on schedule. This time it’s that terrorist teenybopper from Cambridge by the name of Calla Mairead Walsh.
At age 19, Comrade Calla has had gushing profiles written about her in all the usual Democrat religious tracts – the Boston Globe, the New York Times and Boston Magazine.
Now the red-diaper doper baby is charged with riot, sabotage, criminal mischief and trespass and disorderly conduct after trashing a building owned by an Israeli company in Merrimack, N.H.
She was arrested with two other homely young ladies, and her bail was set at $20,000.
The building’s windows were smashed, and spray-painted on the walls was “Free Gaza” and “Genocide Profiteers.” Cops found an “incendiary device.”
It was Walsh’s second arrest since Oct. 30 in support of the genocidal Muslim terrorists who espouse the final solution against Jews. Last month, at another Hitler Youth riot, she was arrested by a “Cambridge pig,” as she called a cop.
Walsh is involved in the “Boston Mapping Project,” which features an interactive map locating Jewish community locations, including day care centers and schools. You know, the kind of places where Walsh’s Muslim comrades like to slaughter innocents.
As Rep. Jake Auchincloss said of Calla Walsh’s handiwork, “This is just chilling to me. It is tapping in millennia-old anti-Semitic tropes about nefarious Jewish wealth, control, conspiracy, media connections and political string-pulling.”
Media connections? In the alt-left media, Calla Walsh has long been the toast of the town, Mother Jones with a learner’s permit.
New York Times: “(Walsh is) representative of an influential new force in Democratic politics.”
Yeah, I guess that’s one way to put it. Just like Adolf Hitler was once representative of an influential new force in Weimar Republic politics.
Boston magazine swoons over her almost as much as they do over indicted race hustler Monica Cannon-Grant:
“Dressed today in a pink T-shirt and Mom jeans, with another headband in her hair, she is, in person, a fascinating blend of idealistic teenager and seasoned political pro… Walsh, who has shoulder-length blond hair and is wearing a gold headband and dark eyeliner….”
And some people still wonder why magazines have pretty much gone out of business.
Speaking of which, she seems to have written some columns for Teen Vogue, which until 2017 was a magazine and is now a blog. In Teen Vogue, she writes about authoritarian mass murderers a lot, about makeup tips and fashion accessories, not so much.
The failing Globe loves Comrade Calla almost as much as the failing magazines:
“At 17, Calla Walsh is already a force in the world of climate activism…. Walsh is striking example of the influence youth can exert over environmental policy.”
That mash note was written in 2021. A year later, the Globe was back at it, with a story that begins:
“Calla Walsh, a high school senior, grew outraged Tuesday morning….”
I’m guessing Calla grows outraged just about every single morning, as soon as she wakes up.
In 2020, she worked for both Sens. Elizabeth Warren and Fast Eddie Markey. She even had her picture taken with the fake Indian. But then, so did jailbird girlfriend-kidnapper Carlos Henriquez.
Calla’s dad is a liberal-arts professor at BU because of course he is. What is it with these uber-privileged, unattractive local women from upscale suburbs with college professor dads?
Like convicted felon Caroline Ellison, the sticky-fingered girlfriend of fraudster Samuel Bankman-Fried, himself the offspring of pablum-puking pinko college professors.
Caroline’s dad is an MIT prof. She’s from Newton. She ratted out her ex-main squeeze, so she probably won’t do serious time.
Beautiful People never do. Remember Charles Lieber – “Professor Pumpkin” at Harvard, whom the Red Chinese paid $1 million to (in a bank account in Wuhan) in return for services rendered? He did no jail time because… Democrats.
Nor will Calla, most likely. After all, she told Boston magazine, “I don’t believe in policing or prisons.”
Most criminals don’t.
It’s odd, though, the ideological journey of these Nazis of Harvard Square. She supposedly began her political odyssey in a local Cambridge campaign to protect transgenders.
Now her soulmates are savage Muslim terrorists like Hamas, ISIS, the Taliban and the mullahs. Wonder how the teenybopper terrorist’s transgender brothers, er sisters, er never mind, would fare if her new comrades took over the world.
Of course she hates the American flag: “It still symbolizes the genocide and slavery the country was founded on.”
The rainbow flag? I’ll bet she’s got a matching pair. Just don’t go waving it around Kabul or Tehran, sweety.
According to her assorted hagiographies, another of La Walsh’s early campaigns involved Boston city councilor at large (in more ways than one) Julia Mejia. Comrade Calla handled her “social media.” So maybe she had something to do with Julia’s greatest YouTube hit, where she uttered these immortal words:
“For those who are wondering if I am using drugs, answer is absolutely not!”
I wonder which radical woman Calla likes to model herself after. Mother Jones, maybe. Certainly not Rosa Luxemburg – she was Jewish, after all.
As Boston magazine gushed, “Walsh’s pose and political precociousness are not necessarily surprising.”
And neither is the local sob sisters’ falling in love with yet another stone-cold corrupt leftist criminal.
Monica Cannon-Grant and Rachael Rollins could not be reached for comment.
(Order Howie’s new book, “Paper Boy: Read All About It!” at howiecarrshow.com or amazon.com.)
A man walked into a store and told the cashier, "I’d like a hamburger and and a scoop of ice cream."
The clerk looked at him and said, "Are you an American?"
The man, clearly offended, said, "Well yes I am."
But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for fried chicken and watermelon, would you ask me if I was black?
Or if I had asked for a cheese crisp would you ask me if I was Mexican?
The clerk said, "Well, no, I guess not."
"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m an American just because I asked for a hamburger and a scoop of ice cream?"
The clerk replied, "Because this is Home Depot Mr. President."
A man was in bed with a young woman he had just met earlier in a bar. After they had done their business, and as they snuggled, he asked her "So, am I the first man you made love to?"
Squinting and focusing, she said, "Maybe, your face looks a little familiar."
My wife minored in psychology.
She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
"Yeah, I may be insecure, but we don't have a pool."
I joined an over-60 basketball league. We don't have jump balls.
The ref just puts the ball on the floor and whoever can bend down to pick it up gets possession.
I gave new meaning to the word "dribble."
good ones
liked this one especially:
After prepping for the pre-employment drug test
the woman hands me the sample jar and points to the bathroom with final instructions
no flushing , no running water, etc....
So I mustered up a sincere puzzled face and asked " where are the magazines? "
Her blank stare told me it went right over her head, the Doctor on the other side of room, however ....lost it.
I asked my wife if it was true that women think
of sex every 20 minutes. She said, "Yes, but not with you."
The biggest difference between men & women
is the meaning of the word "facial."
The only time my ex didn't fake an orgasm,
was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
I treat women like pieces of meat
I'm a vegan - I haven't touched one in years
Vegans don't beat their meat.
They beat their "0% dairy all organic tofu."
Had a fight with my wife-told her to kiss my ass
She said no, she's on a glute-free diet
Local Fireworks outlet near me is having a HUGE
sale on Telsa Battery packs....
After prepping for the pre-employment drug test
the woman hands me the sample jar and points to the bathroom with final instructions
no flushing , no running water, etc....
So I mustered up a sincere puzzled face and asked " where are the magazines? "
Her blank stare told me it went right over her head, the Doctor on the other side of room, however ....lost it.
Although we've been married 47 years, my wife and I have sex almost every night.
We almost had it on Monday, we almost had it on Tuesday, we almost had it on Wednesday.....
Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other:
"My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!.....
Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
I'm in a Walmart parking lot Watching a woman
Who can't remember where she parked her car.
Every time she holds her remote in the air I honk my horn.
Sad to report..........................
I "came" in a distant fourth in this year's World Masturbation Championships.
I thought I could defend my crown again this year, but I just didn't have it..
I'm still trying to come to "grips " with the loss.
Jack Mehoff was the eventual winner. It's tough to compete against these young "up and comers."
Only a biker knows why a dog sticks its head out the window...
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
Classic mindbender but still kinda funny
There are exactly threee erors in this sentence
My mother was surprised when I told her I was born again.
She said she didn't feel a thing.
I put my grandma on speed dial. ( insta-gram ).
People who take care of chickens:
Chicken tenders
Dog's favorite homework assignment:
Lab report
Winter: The season when we try to keep the house as hot
as it was in the summer when we complained about the heat.
World's first carpenter Eve was the world's first carpenter -
she made Adam's banana stand.
I have been criticized for marrying my wife for the money she inherited from her father.
That's ridiculous - I would have married her no matter who left her the money!
Stormy Daniels has a gag order.
How small is it that you have to tell someone to gag?
A guy hears a knock at the door.
He opens it up to find a snail. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street.
Five years go by.
One day he hears a knock on the door and opens it to see a snail.
The snail says, "What the heck was that about?!"
Guy says to a Blonde girl.
I bet I can guess exactly when you were born just by fondling your tits.
No way says the Blonde, go on then, so 10 minutes later the
Blonde says OK when was I born?
Guy says: Yesterday.
Blonde says don't be fucking stupid, have another go...
A guy sees his ex-wife at a bar and tells her, "I had wild sex with another woman last night but I was thinking of you all the time."
"Oh, so you miss me that much?" she asks. "No" he says "but it kept me from coming too fast".
There are three stages to a man's sex life. Tri weekly, Try weekly and Try weakly.
I informed my attorney, "I want a stipulation in my will that my wife is to inherit everything, but ONLY if she remarries within six months of my death."
"Why such an odd stipulation?" asked the attorney.
"Because," I said, "I just want to make sure that at least one person is sorry I died."
Do you know what happened 174 years ago this coming Fall....back in 1850?
California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So, basically nothing has changed except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
Jane: "I miss England."
Tarzan: "Me have no idea you beauty pageant winner."
I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
“That’s not a lizard,” the store clerk told me.
“That’s a stand-up chameleon.”
First Day at Work...
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
A mean looking cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found that his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired four shots into the ceiling.
The saloon fell silent.
"Which one of you yellow belly sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
Nobody uttered a word.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and I’m warning you all, if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! and I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas again!!!”.
He fired two more bullets into the ceiling for emphasis.
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk all the way home by myself in the dark ."
Ancient Rome -
Roman #1: "Do you know how many women I've slept with ?"
Roman #2: "mmm....................................."
Roman #1: "Oh, no..................not nearly that many"
My daughter took a Roman Numeral math test
I hope she gets a C
Who is in favor of bringing Roman numerals back?
I for one.
Every morning, I take my cow on a long walk
through the local vineyard.
I herd it through the grapevine.
Robinhood and his band of "Merrymen" were having an evening of R &R while camped in Sherwood Forest.
Friar Tuck was imbibing in the Ale a lot and was getting way too loud and boisterous!
Robinhood became fearful that all the noise might reveal the location of their camp to the Sheriff of Nottingham and his posse.
He and a few of his "Merrymen" dragged Friar Tuck to a nearby lake and tossed him in, thinking that the chilly water might have a sobering and silencing effect.
They were wrong, which only goes to prove that "You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse!"
On doctor's orders, George had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.
George's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."
On doctor's orders, George had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.
George's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."
A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.
The little boy left the table to use the restroom by him- self. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world
I told them to get lost ...............
.Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager asked, “Do you mind waiting a bit?”
I said, “No”.
“Good,” he said. “Take these drinks to table nine.”
I hope they know about shrinkage! 😲 pic.twitter.com/nFJ8e8C73o
— Fish Heads (@FishHeadsSports) January 19, 2024
I'm more likely to believe the prostitute pic.twitter.com/1Vudgf3LEe
— NahBabyNah (@NahBabyNah) January 19, 2024
Poor guy... pic.twitter.com/k8uMGmWPFP
— Steve (@oldguy_steve) January 19, 2024
Once I got married, people stopped asking me about my sex life.
They already knew I no longer had one.
Marriage is full of surprises, like.............
"Do you have to do that right now ?"
Little Johnny: ( spits out food )
Mom: "BILLY ! we swallow what we have in our mouth !"
Dad: ( looks at mom )
Mom: "Shut up"
Einstein ( to wife ): "Tell me what you need.."
Wife: "I just need some space and time."
Einstein: "Ok, what's the second thing ?"
I went to the Space Museum. They have a lot of it.
When I look in a mirror
and see grey hair, tiny
wrinkles and dimming eyes,
I think "They sure don't
make mirrors like they used to."
Doctor: "Do you participate in dangerous activities ?"
Me: "Well, sometimes I argue with my wife."
Husband and wife are hard asleep................
Suddenly, the wife blurts out, "Quick, my husband is home !"
This wakes up the husband from a dead sleep and he jumps out the window.
Wife: "You know what ? I refuse to talk to you about this anymore !"
( ten seconds later ): "And you know what else ?"
Just had a big argument with my wife about going on vacation..
I wanted to go to Rome, and she wanted to come along.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beach, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the birch says to the beach, "Is that a son of a beach or a son of a birch?" The birch says that he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beach or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small sapling tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beach nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
A fart is like success.
It only bothers you when it's not your own.
The republicans have made a joke on trickle-down economics ...
but, hardly anyone will get it.
Remember, before the internet, how everybody thought that the cause of stupidity was limited access to information?
"I'm not saying that your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying that the canary was alive before you showed up."
Did you know that there is not one canary in the Canary Islands? Same thing on the Virgin Isles — not one canary.
My neighbor won $4 million on the lottery last weekend -- so he decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now he has $3,999,999.75.
At the store today there was an X on the floor for me to stand on. I've seen too many RoadRunner cartoons to fall for that crap.
"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others." (Henry Youngman)
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'" (Rita Rudner)
"Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks." (Jean Kerr)
"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison." (Tim Allen)
"I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags." (Gwyneth Paltrow)
Aliens are going to be super confused when they
show up threatening to overthrow our leaders,
and we are all stoked and offer to help.
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Mary: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions . . . like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
How bad is inflation? I'll tell ya how bad!
I just received a pre-declined credit card application in the mail.
And ExxonMobil just laid off 25 congressman.
It's terrible out here..
Clean Breakfast...
Joe: "This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast."
Sam: "I bet you were mad."
Joe: "Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!"
Waiter: "How would you like your steak, sir ?"
Me: "Like winning an argument with my wife."
Waiter: "OK, rare it is then."
Wife: "Why did you cheat on me ?"
Me: "She was lying on the table naked. What was I supposed to do ?
Wife: "Perform the damn autopsy !"
I saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this
morning. That can only mean one thing.................................................it's laundry day.
A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five-dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar.
The bartender picked up the five-dollar bill, folded it carefully, and tucked it in his vest pocket.
Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him.
Doing a bit of fast thinking, he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five-dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."
My Forgetter...
My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say, "What am I here for?"
I rack my brain, but all in vain
A zero is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "Who was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
When I argue with my wife, I always get the last
word in........................................................................................"Sorry"
My wife takes the stairs and I take the elevator
( we were raised differently )
Doctor: "Your wife is in the hospital."
Me: "How is she ?"
Doc: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Yeah, you'll get used to it after a while."
Chuck Norris took a CPR class.
He resuscitated the dummy, who now lives in Colorado with his wife and two kids.
A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the governor -- it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer.
After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place," begged the attorney.
"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the funeral home," replied the governor.
We received about 20 inches of snow this week so
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it should have been two snowmen instead.
8:22 - The transgender man / woman / person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not to be used to decorate snow figures.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.
8:37 - Then I was accused of using a black face on the snow person.
8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered.
8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The 'council on equality' officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything, marched down the street demanding that I be arrested.
9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.
10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman...
farside- good today- up in the sticky link
That was really fantastic! Thanks for posting it.
But....I have one quiblle.
You neglected to communicate a warning to the potential listeners. I'll do it for you.
WARNING! Does NOT contail profanity. No F, MF or N words are uttered!
Although a bit long, every second brings a laugh.
LOL Some really good exchanges in there.
like History repeating itself
What were the Radical Republicans most concerned with in 1864 and 1865?
Hint:
securing civil rights for freed slaves.
barring ex-Confederates from political office.
seeking restitution from Confederate states.
preventing Andrew Johnson's ascent to the presidency.
some good ones there
Seniors' favorite board game: Sorry....I forgot
We'll be friends until we're old and senile.....
Then we'll be new friends.
Why did the senior cross the road ?
He forgot where he parked his car.
I don't travel anymore. I'm where I want to be.
I'm not feeling well
I don't know if it's Covid, Sars, Bird Flu, Swine Flu, Mers, Ebola, Asian Flu, Spanish Flu, Russian Flu,
or the 4 pounds of bacon I ate
This was an odd year.
Next year will get even though.
I don't support Biden, but I would never denigrate his supporters.
If you're a Biden supporter, "denigrate" means "to put down."
Looking for a wife
A guy advertised online for a wife.
He got 200 replies in the first hour.
Most of them said “You can have mine.”
A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After he was sworn in, the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.
After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident, he finally got around to the meat of the case: "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."
A man in an interrogation room says,
“I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Trump said "It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world. Believe me."
This guy asked me what I did for a living.
I said, "breathe in, breathe out."
I thought about cleaning the house, but then I
thought...........................what has the house done for me lately ?
The only instant messaging I do is with my middle finger.
Joe Biden is doing the work of three men.
Larry, Curley and Moe.
Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.
The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
Shout out to my golfing buddies.................
.......................cuz that's the only way they can hear me.
I'm rich.....................................
Silver in my hair, gold in my teeth, crystals in my kidney, and sugar in my blood.
My wife got me to stop chewing my nails.
She hid my teeth.
It took all this time to get my head together.
Now my body is falling apart.
How are Kobe Bryant and Melania Trump similar?
They both got rich by playing with orange balls.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids?
A Traffic Cone!
What did you expect me to say....
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
A Sunday school teacher said to the children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.
But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
I play on a senior hockey team.
The other night I scored three goals ( a geri-hat-trick ).
As a former pastry chef, I know that old age can
really crepe up on you.
Doctor (to me): "Age got muffin on you."
I have a structured retirement..................
( a rigid nap schedule).
At my age, I turn down the lights to be
economical....................not to be romantic.
It means that YOU get a lump of coal for Christmas! Speaking which, Merry Christmas to everyone!
Post your best ones here...
Please, not too blue. Remember, our children may be reading these, too. And language...what is "adult language?"...if it is wrong, it is wrong. Smut gets removed.
Politics are a cause of concern for many who come here to escape the antics of the political playground on the Potomac. As such, politicals should be posted on boards specializing in politics: http://www.investorshub.com/boards/boards.asp?cat_id=123 "The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected."~Will Rogers
JOKES is for laughs, not political propagandizing, please.
The main criterion for politically out-of-bounds is (but not necessarily limited to): Jokes in which a candidate or political party is the butt of the joke is off-topic and subject to removal. It may be funny as all get-out, but alas, this isn't a campaign thread and IHub has boards specializing in politics and some anything-goes boards.
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