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FUNNY
When facts are hilarious 😂 pic.twitter.com/doUNOi6M4M
— Templar⚔️ (@aTeXan575) May 14, 2024
Hubby asked me who Rick O'shay is, SMH
— Rothmus 🏴 (@Rothmus) May 22, 2024
Crooked Biden received an honorary doctorate degree from Moorehouse College, this weekend. Now Biden is under the impression he can operate on people.
Reminded of this one:
How do you use a condom twice?
After the first use you turn it inside out and shake the fu*k out of it!!
— Gary Stephen (@GaryStephen1234) May 20, 2024
Motorcycle Monday pic.twitter.com/XEVTwaxqZI
— Kane's Street Smarts (@FrankKane11) May 20, 2024
Having a root canal done. Dentist has me on an antibiotic, first. Antibiotics wipe out germs but also your good gut bacteria. So at this moment I'm eating Stoneyfield Organic Probiotic Yogurt to re-introduce good bacteria into my stomach. It's a good product without the highly dubious additional claim the manufacturer makes on the labeling. It says I will be getting multiple organisms from eating it. I've eaten half the 32 oz container and haven't felt anything, yet.
One-liners
Recessions are started by people who fear recessions.
If we can't understand what he's saying, he's not a genius.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.
Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.
The law is a rule to the fool, but a guide to the wise.
Smile! It increases your face value.
Never fear shadows... they simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.
I'm so hungry, I could almost eat health food.
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
These days you can either lead or be misled.
Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
It's just as much work to be normal as it is to be ourselves.
We belittle the homeless even though we're the ones who wake up to alarm clocks.
Misery is too much work.
Sometimes you don't realize that you're in prison until you get out.
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt,Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh
His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
Tinder is for rookies.
I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses.
I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.
The things I did to make my wife happy.
I wore her underwear.
She didn't know I wore them but when she put them on the next day she thought she lost weight.
People claim to be into recycling but you should
see their faces when you rinse out a condom.
I recently saw a transvestite in a mini skirt .
I thought that shows a lot of balls.
If Karen Carpenter had eaten Mama Cass's
sandwich, they both might be alive today.
Letting a man with dementia run our federal government
proves just how little we need a federal government.
Cause of death: Pending.
I don't know what these pending things look like but I'll be running like a
Mofo when I find out.
My music teacher said I'm a baritone
because she can't bear my tone.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Nice saying, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted
I asked my mom...... if I was adopted.
She replied, " Of course not sweetie. If we had a choice, we wouldn't have selected you. "
Someone left a bottle of Vodka in my mailbox.
I don't know who did it but I'm going to get to the bottom of it.
A chicken and an egg go into the emergency
room of a hospital. The secretary says, "OK, who's first ?"
A man walks into an auto dismantler...
...and says to the employee behind the counter " I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo".
The employee thinks about this for a moment, then responds " Ok, that sounds like a fair trade".
What do cannibals do at a wedding?
They toast the bride and groom.
Saw a chameleon today.
( pretty shitty chameleon, eh ? )
I have a dog to provide me unconditional love.
I also have a cat to remind me that I don't deserve it. ( I like balance in my life )
LMAO:
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 pic.twitter.com/2O5VClloGH
— LAnDo NIFFIRG™️🇨🇦 (@llandoniffirg) May 15, 2024
Wife: "There's something wrong with you !"
Me: "What a thing to say right before our dog's first salsa lesson."
Paddy is at the airport and he’s carrying two full sacks, he gets to customs and the guy asks him if he had anything to declare? Paddy says no, so the customs officer takes him into a room and empties the bags and there’s all these different phones. The customs officer says, what about these? Paddy says, it’s got nothing to do with me when I was in America Murphy rang me and said he had just joined a band and could I bring him two sax of phones!!
Merve was sitting on his front porch looking quite down his Neighbor noticed this and asked him why he was so. Merve looks up at him and says, it’s one of those wife questions, she asked if I’d still love her when she was old and fat, the neighbor said that’s easy just say, of course I will. Merve said, I said of course I do!!!
I did my first nude painting this morning the neighbors weren’t happy, but the front door looks fantastic!!
My wife just found out she’s adopted which brought her to tears and she sobbed why didn’t they want me, she then asked me to make love to her so she could feel love. While making love she broke into hysteria, but I suppose saying who's your daddy was a bit insensitive!!
Little Johnny goes up to a policeman and says, my dad is in a fight at the bar He follows the boy to the bar and there are 3 men fighting, the policeman says, well which one is your dad? Little Johnny says that’s what the fight is about!!!
Linda hopped into a taxi completely naked the taxi driver saw this in his rear-view mirror and he said, madam you’ve got no clothes on! She replied that’s none of your business, he replied yes, it is you have no pockets or purse to pay me with. Linda put her leg up on his seat exposing her vagina and said
, will this do, the taxi driver said, do you have anything smaller!!!
To All the Husbands, I’ll Give You A Tip
If You come home from the bar late!
Don’t get into bed and slap her on the ass and say ok fatty your next!
I had a nice conversation with some dolphins....
Really? How did that happen?
I don't know. We just clicked...
Me: I'm having trouble with my hearing...
Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Sure! Homer is a fat guy and his wife, Marge, has blue hair.
Porno movies are a bad influence because they reinforce the stereotype that it's easy to get an electrician or a plumber to come to your house.
Scariest part of watching porn:
Your wife's footsteps coming down the hall towards the den.
We had a great dinner on Mother's Day.
After the family finished, Mom started doing the dishes.
Dad said, "Honey, this is Mother's Day. You don't have to do that. Save them for Tomorrow."
Nothing says "I love my dog" more, than spending
4 times more on its haircut than you do on your own.
Getting over diarrheas'
isn't the best feeling in the world, but it's a solid #2.
Who is Aurora Boring Alice I keep hearing about?
My obese parrot just died.
It was a real weight off my shoulder.
Another story from my life
The doctor told me that a banana a day could help me clean my colon.
It turned out that I was supposed to eat them.
An old man was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he came upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeded to walk into the water and subsequently bumped into the preacher.
The preacher turned around and was almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asked the drunk,
“Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk shouted, “Yes, I am!”
So the preacher grabbed him and dunked him in the water.
He pulled him up and asked the drunk, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replied, “No, I haven't found Jesus.”
The preacher, shocked by the answer, dunked him Into the water again for a little longer.
He pulled him out of the water and asked again, “Have you found Jesus my brother?”
The drunk again answered, “No, I haven't found Jesus.”
By this time the preacher was at his wits end and dunked the drunk in the water again
but this time held him down for about 30 seconds and when he began kicking his arms and legs he pulled him up.
The preacher again asked the drunk, “For the love of God son, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk wiped his eyes and caught his breath and said to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
— Charles Palmer (@Charles02339637) May 2, 2024
longer version-- much better:
Senate Democrats invited a witness who was supposed to give us objective analysis on the climate.
— John Kennedy (@SenJohnKennedy) May 2, 2024
Meanwhile, his retweets show that he supports chasing and harassing anyone who disagrees with his extreme opinions. pic.twitter.com/JKTP8JsVdt
yep- saw that this morning--
Sen. John Kennedy grills climate prof Dr. Geoffrey Supran, claiming he retweeted climate activists criticizing senators.
— The Recount (@therecount) May 1, 2024
Supran: "I did not say that I don't support this. I simply did not tweet it."
Kennedy: "You retweeted it, didn't you? ... Are you gonna call me a sick fuck?" pic.twitter.com/DTH2pE857H
((Put link in Browser ~ UnMute & Hit Play )) >
pic.twitter.com/Npf4l2Ox0B
“I’m pleased to be getting a beer belly.
I’ve always wanted a father figure.”
“A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows.
I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.’”
“I tell my friends, I’m here for them 24/7 because it sounds better
than saying I’m only here for them on the 24th of July.”
“Never keep up with the Joneses.
Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.”
How many bones did the paleontologist need to finish the dinosaur skeleton?
Just the last one.
I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.
Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."
Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself."
At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four.
The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another.
Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!"
My wife dresses to kill................
......................and cooks the same way.
I got thrown out of the premature ejaculation support group.
I kept coming late.
How do you break up a fight between two blind people?
Yell out "My money is on the one with a knife!"
I'm starting to get very nervous.
The neighbor kid is starting to look more like me every day.
As I get older I think about all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
A tourist comes to Seattle and it rains for a week, on the eighth day he goes out with his umbrella
and asks a kid if it ever stops raining ? The kid replies,
" How do I know, I'm only six " !
Bubba got his father's bald head, crooked nose, and buck teeth.
That was the strangest will reading ever !
At the airport check-in counter, a man overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband.
The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.
"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting!"
I was behind a truck that said Dodge on the tailgate and had a tag on the side that was marked Ram.
What do they want me to do? Avoid them or hit them?
My hamster died from lack of exercise.
I feel responsible...I never gave him the wheel to live.
Just watched a documentary on the building of the Titanic.
It was riveting.
I tried drowning my troubles
but my wife won't go near the swimming pool.
I have the most energy efficient home in North America.
I get free heat in the summer, and free air conditioning in the winter.
A young man, down on his luck, was hitch-hiking through Arizona.
A well-dressed man driving a Chevrolet pulled up, lowered the passenger side window, and asked, “Do you vote Republican or Democrat?”
“Republican,” said the hitch-hiker. And the chevy sped off in a cloud of dust.
The next car that pulled up was a Honda and the same question was asked. Once again the driver sped away, leaving him beside the road.
He continued on until a beautiful woman stopped her Mustang GT and, predictably, asked about his politics.
In desperation the young man said, “I’m a Democrat.”
The woman welcomed him aboard, and they sped off down the road.
She was gorgeous. She had the face of a goddess, eyes the color of the sea on a sunny day, golden hair, and legs so beautiful that he couldn’t take his eyes off them as her feet moved on the pedals.
They hadn’t gone very far when he said, “Stop the car, I want to walk.”
“Why?” she asked.
“I’ve only been a Democrat for ten minutes and already I want to screw somebody.”
In GREECE
— TheyCallMeDoc (@TheyCallMeDoc1) April 30, 2024
I left my AI powered Maserati in my neighbor's garage while I went on vacation and now I want it back.
He told me I can't have it because my car is claiming squatter's rights
I installed Microsoft Word into my self-driving car's computer.
Now it's writing its autobiography
A team of Canadian and Scottish researchers
has released its own version of artificial intelligence.
They’re calling it “Eh? Aye!"
One thing I learned, being married to a blonde.
Never tell her it's time to "hit the sack"
I've found that growing up in the 70's
was more fun than being in my 70's.
Do you know what you get ...
when you keep a jackass in suspense?
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
truth is the rooster came first. ...
Found a dog in a pile of leaves...
named him rustle.
Whoever put the letter "S" in fast food is a marketing genius.
I said to my daughter, "the grandkids are spoiled."
She said, "all little kids smell that way."
If you lose one sense, your other senses become enhanced.
This is why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.
I'm on multiple dating sites because............
………..one can never get enough rejection.
A drunk falls into a cab, gives the cabbie a $20 bill and bellows "I wanna get screwed."
The cabbie dutifully drives him to the 'burbs and points out a town house. The drunk staggers up to the front door, bangs on it, and screams "I wanna get screwed!"
A female voice answers, "Slip $100 under the door." The drunk pushes $100 under the door. Nothing happens. After a while the drunk bangs on the door again and screams "I wanna get screwed!"
The female voice answers, "What? Again!?"
Not everybody thinks Cleopatra is beautiful.
But that's how Julius Caesar.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate.
I was deeply touched.
I was wondering.......................
What does it look like when you open Pandora's box ? ( asking for a friend )
Pick up line: "If you're feeling down...........
...................................I will feel you up."
At dinner tonight my daughter asked, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
I said, "Really, we're not going to talk about this right now."
So, after dinner I said, "Now what did you want to ask me?"
She said, "Oh nothing, there was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone.
A teacher was explaining biology to her third grade students.
She said, "Human beings are the only creatures that studder."
A little girl raised her hand, saying, "I once had a cat that stuttered."
The teacher asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was In the backyard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lived next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"
The teacher said, "That must have been scary!"
The little girl said, "It sure was.
My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss,' and before she could say 'Sh*t' the dog ate her.
I'll show myself out but I want my like dadgummit!!
One day a politician's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the politician tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the politician finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the politician's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
Enough of that crap…
The donkey later came back and bit the sh*t out of the politician who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected, and the politician eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
— Spill The Memes (@SpillTheMemes) April 23, 2024
What has two butts and kills people?
An Assassin
Add:
Does that come in adult sizes?
That looks like a penis, only smaller!
Do you watch reality shows and talent shows??? pic.twitter.com/0QapKLrP5f
— Lorraine Y (@kenyladyde) April 18, 2024
" All good one, SNStuff " .. !!
Subtle ways of letting someone know their fly is open…
The cucumber has left the salad.
I can see the gun of Navarone.
Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
You’ve got Windows in your laptop.
Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
Dr. Kimble has escaped!
You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.
Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL good ones!
:Me ( to doctor ):
"Doc, I get a nasty reaction after applying the hemorrhoid cream you prescribed me."
Doctor: "Where did you apply it ?"
Me: "On the bus."
Me ( to priest ):
"Father, I sinned with a 16-year-old girl."
Priest: "Squeeze 16 lemons and drink the juice."
Me: "Will that free me from sin ?"
Priest: "No, but it will wipe that shit-eatin' grin off your face."
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease." My chest is falling into my drawers!
I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Right after we got married, my wife told me I was her 32nd lover.............................
then I found out she meant thirty- second lover.
Wife walks up to her Husband and asks "Do I look fat in this dress??"
Husband: "Before I say anything,,, you gotta promise, no matter WHAT I say.... You won't get mad.."
Wife: "Ok.. I promise."
Husband: "I slept with your sister."
"A perfect parent is a person with excellent
child-rearing theories and no actual children."
Salesman: “ This van will sleep four people without any problems.”
Me: “I don’t know four people without any problems.”
Well, I paid my rent last week...
Now I have a place to starve.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make
them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
We don't really get smarter as we get older...
We just run out of stupid things to say and do.
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "But a man is sitting on the well!"
Whenever someone cuts me off in traffic I never get mad or retaliate.
I just call 911, give them the location and license plate,
and tell them I think someone is in the trunk being kidnapped.
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.
"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"
Bernard, who was noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty-four a.m. by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty-four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."
I think my urologist hates me.
Last time I saw him he gave me the finger.
What is the best way to quit being a vegan?
Cold turkey.
Hardest part of Cloning sheep
Staying awake while you're doing inventory..
I asked my girlfriend how she could be so beautiful, and so stupid.
She said God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me,
and God made me stupid so I'd be attracted to you.
The reason some politicians like to stand on
their record is to keep voters from examining it.
A gynecologist had become fed up
with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
In the early 20th Century,
Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.
Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.
To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!
Don't forget to wear open-toed sandals on Monday
So you can watch the eclipse in toe-tality.
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
I’ve just opened an Elvis Presley themed steak house...
It’s aimed at people who love meat tender.
Why are there no boy scout cookies?
Because boy scouts are only interested in eating brownies.
The other day I was in Starbucks.
There was a guy sitting at a table just drinking coffee.
No laptop, no smartphone, nothing. Just sitting there drinking coffee like some psychopath.
Condoms don't always guarantee safe sex.
A buddy of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
My wife's doctor told her he wanted to test her for vulvar cancer.
She informed him that not only do we not have a Swedish car, she had never even been in one.
We don't need her Saab story.
What we need is new national speed limits,
They should be individualized and based on age. The new limit on open highways would be your age,
You young fokes get out of the way, cause us old fokes don't have that much time left to get where we want to go. ...
To ride a horse or not to ride a horse.
That is equestrian.
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.
One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.
Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."
Not sure what she considered comfortable, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."
The only people who get a paycheck
and work less days per year than teachers....are members of Congress.
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. A
fter a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
Ran out of toilet paper and having to use lettuce leaves.
Today was the tip of the iceberg.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
What's a three letter word that starts with gas?
Most forgiving celebrity: Dolly Pardon
My primary doctor recommended I see a functional neuropathist.
I said, "Well, I hope so.............why would I want to see a non-functional one ?
As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.
"I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the boys. "You eat it for me."
I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys. He shook his head. "I can't," he said.
"Why not?"
Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers."
Do you love me?
Of course!
Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear.
Lemon meringue pie!
I may be old, but............................
..............I got to see the world before it went to shit.
My Irish friend likes to show off on
St. Patrick's Day. He plays his bragpipes.
What did the lovesick bull say to the cow ?
"When I fall in love, it will be forheifer." ( sorry )
Mom used to feed me yeast and put me in the oven
That's just how I was raised.
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90 year old man
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I had to wake him up. I thought he was dead!"
Hey y’all, I just talked to Bill Bailey.
He’s not coming home.
So I just checked my home insurance policy and apparently
if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, I won’t be covered.
My half-brother and I aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.
Why don’t Native Americans like April?
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
It always irked my mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.
Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six!
She was so excited, she bought two.
I've spent a lot of time lately contemplating... oral hygiene
I consider myself a flosserpher.
Nervous Penthouse Dwellers
insert-text-here
I asked my wife "what women really want"
She said "a tent of lovers". Or perhaps it was attentive lovers---
I wasn't really listening
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks... so how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? You said he was 25 pounds the day he was born.”
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,"Had him circumcised."
A stock market crash is worse than a divorce.
You lose half your money and your wife is still around.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others.
The rest of us have to be the others.
Night sweats and hot flashes are nature's way of lowering your heating bill
so you can save more money for your retirement.
A woman asked me if I liked thighs or breast?
Apparently a shaved vagina was not an appropriate answer at KFC.
The best thing about KFC:
After you finish your meal, there's a greasy box to put your bone in.
I was having sex with the neighbor lady while my wife was out of town.
She was on top of me humping away while I was looking at the mirror above the bed.
Just then my wife unexpectedly walked in the bedroom. I said. "I know what this looks like."
I recently purchased a toilet brush. Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.
I bought my wife a toilet plunger.
She always loved bringing up old shit.
The difference between my girl friend's legs and Covid is, I don't want Covid to spread.
"Talk dirty to me," she begged.
Me: "OK.....................Volkswagen diesel."
slow at times- they may be working on it
Post your best ones here...
Please, not too blue. Remember, our children may be reading these, too. And language...what is "adult language?"...if it is wrong, it is wrong. Smut gets removed.
Politics are a cause of concern for many who come here to escape the antics of the political playground on the Potomac. As such, politicals should be posted on boards specializing in politics: http://www.investorshub.com/boards/boards.asp?cat_id=123 "The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected."~Will Rogers
JOKES is for laughs, not political propagandizing, please.
The main criterion for politically out-of-bounds is (but not necessarily limited to): Jokes in which a candidate or political party is the butt of the joke is off-topic and subject to removal. It may be funny as all get-out, but alas, this isn't a campaign thread and IHub has boards specializing in politics and some anything-goes boards.
JOKES is for laughs for the masses and humor for all who bless us with their presence.
Not only jokes, but if you have something uplifting that may lighten the load or brighten the day, feel free to post it.
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