Right after we got married, my wife told me I was her 32nd lover.............................
then I found out she meant thirty- second lover.
Wife walks up to her Husband and asks "Do I look fat in this dress??"
Husband: "Before I say anything,,, you gotta promise, no matter WHAT I say.... You won't get mad.."
Wife: "Ok.. I promise."
Husband: "I slept with your sister."
"A perfect parent is a person with excellent
child-rearing theories and no actual children."
Salesman: “ This van will sleep four people without any problems.”
Me: “I don’t know four people without any problems.”
Well, I paid my rent last week...
Now I have a place to starve.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make
them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
We don't really get smarter as we get older...
We just run out of stupid things to say and do.
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "But a man is sitting on the well!"
Whenever someone cuts me off in traffic I never get mad or retaliate.
I just call 911, give them the location and license plate,
and tell them I think someone is in the trunk being kidnapped.
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.
"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"
Bernard, who was noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty-four a.m. by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty-four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."
I think my urologist hates me.
Last time I saw him he gave me the finger.
What is the best way to quit being a vegan?
Cold turkey.
Hardest part of Cloning sheep
Staying awake while you're doing inventory..
I asked my girlfriend how she could be so beautiful, and so stupid.
She said God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me,
and God made me stupid so I'd be attracted to you.
The reason some politicians like to stand on
their record is to keep voters from examining it.
