Don't forget to wear open-toed sandals on Monday
So you can watch the eclipse in toe-tality.
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
I’ve just opened an Elvis Presley themed steak house...
It’s aimed at people who love meat tender.
Why are there no boy scout cookies?
Because boy scouts are only interested in eating brownies.
The other day I was in Starbucks.
There was a guy sitting at a table just drinking coffee.
No laptop, no smartphone, nothing. Just sitting there drinking coffee like some psychopath.
Condoms don't always guarantee safe sex.
A buddy of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
My wife's doctor told her he wanted to test her for vulvar cancer.
She informed him that not only do we not have a Swedish car, she had never even been in one.
We don't need her Saab story.
What we need is new national speed limits,
They should be individualized and based on age. The new limit on open highways would be your age,
You young fokes get out of the way, cause us old fokes don't have that much time left to get where we want to go. ...
To ride a horse or not to ride a horse.
That is equestrian.
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.
One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.
Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."
Not sure what she considered comfortable, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."
The only people who get a paycheck
and work less days per year than teachers....are members of Congress.
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. A
fter a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
Ran out of toilet paper and having to use lettuce leaves.
Today was the tip of the iceberg.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
What's a three letter word that starts with gas?
Most forgiving celebrity: Dolly Pardon
My primary doctor recommended I see a functional neuropathist.
I said, "Well, I hope so.............why would I want to see a non-functional one ?
As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.
"I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the boys. "You eat it for me."
I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys. He shook his head. "I can't," he said.
"Why not?"
Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers."
Do you love me?
Of course!
Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear.
Lemon meringue pie!
I may be old, but............................
..............I got to see the world before it went to shit.
My Irish friend likes to show off on
St. Patrick's Day. He plays his bragpipes.
What did the lovesick bull say to the cow ?
"When I fall in love, it will be forheifer." ( sorry )
Mom used to feed me yeast and put me in the oven
That's just how I was raised.
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90 year old man
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I had to wake him up. I thought he was dead!"
Hey y’all, I just talked to Bill Bailey.
He’s not coming home.
So I just checked my home insurance policy and apparently
if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, I won’t be covered.
My half-brother and I aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.
Why don’t Native Americans like April?
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
It always irked my mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.
Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six!
She was so excited, she bought two.
I've spent a lot of time lately contemplating... oral hygiene
I consider myself a flosserpher.
