Computer Learning Tech Helpline Desk

[teapeebubbles]

Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the internet is an addictive agent which, they say, is just as powerful as drugs or alcohol.

However, researchers go on to say that the internet is actually much more dangerous than these addictive sub- stances, since it is a terminal addiction.

[teapeebubbles]

Fatal system error detected. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

[teapeebubbles]

hi to all

[teapeebubbles]

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

[teapeebubbles]

android phones seem to have security issues

[teapeebubbles]

iphones have an issue with their batteries

[teapeebubbles]

be aware of cheap tablets

[teapeebubbles]

Congratulations! You have purchased an Anthrax 2000 Multimedia Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give many years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your PC is a special bonus pack of free pre-installed software:- 'Lawn Mowing Planner', 'Blank Screen Saver', 'East Africa Route Finder' and 'X15 Submarine Mechanic' valued at over a fiver, which will provide hours of pointless diversion whilst using up most of your computers spare memory. You are now ready to begin the installation so turn the page and lets get started!

<new page>

Getting Ready: Congratulations, you have successfully turned the page which means you have a high enough IQ to realize things don't look too good. If your delicate PC has arrived in a damaged box, possibly from miss-handling or being dropped, it will be doubtful that the box will be of any use and can be thrown away.

Important meaningless note: The Anthrax 2000 is configured to use the 80386, Z80 and ARMITAGE SHANKS processors running at 2,472 hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installation and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent internal heat build up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents. (WARNING: Do not open the box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within twelve working months.) Also, only open the box if you intend to use your PC as this will bind you to the terms and conditions set out in the manual, which will be sent to you when it has been written. The contents of the box (if you have the deluxe model) should include some of the following: Monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2½ inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000 page 'Owners Manual' of which 1,987 pages are in 26 different languages; 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Quick Start Guide' to the 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid'; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of cardboard and Styrofoam packing material.

All our PC's are subjected to a rigorous 24 hour 'Burn In - Burn Out' test. Please wipe off any soot from the case before using.

Something They Didn't Tell You When You Ordered: Because of the additional power hungry needs of the Computer like switching it on, you will need to acquire an Anthrax 2000 auxiliary hardware upgrade pack, a 900 volt memory capacitor for the auxiliary hardware pack, a 50 megahertz oscillator for the memory capacitor, 64 Gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator and a small electrical substation.

Setting Up: You are now ready to set up your PC. If you have not yet acquired a degree in Electrical engineering, now is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug the three-pin mouse cable into the keyboard housing unit (make an extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio/video lineout jack. Alternatively, plug the cables into the most likely looking holes, switch on and see what happens. Additional meaningless note: The wires in the ampule modulator unit are marked as follows: blue = neutral or live; yellow = live or blue; blue and live = neutral and green; black = instant death. Plug in, switch on, and retire to a safe distance. If after plugging in and switching on your PC nothing happens, the items sent to you may have been
mislabelled. Please try plugging in the box. Should your computer appear to be working, please contact us immediately as we may need to employ you.

Now its time to install your Microsofarsogood software. Insert Disc A (marked 'Disc D' or 'Disc G') into Drive Slot B and type 'Setup' and press Return. If your keyboard does not have a return key, simply press the small spring lever where the Return button should be and wait. After installation, you will be asked to enter your License Verification Number. Your License Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering your License Verification Number. If you are unable to find your License Verification or Certified User numbers, call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your License Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)

If you have not already lost faith, please insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on your screen. (Note: owing to software modifications, some instructions will appear in Romanian) At each prompt, select an option most suitable for the installation. As a rule of thumb and general to most installations, the Exit option is always a good bet. If the installation fails with an error message '## Not enough disk space ##' then you should have bought a bigger disk. If the installation is successful, insert Diskette 2, marked 'Diskette 1', and repeat the previous steps with each of the 187 other disks. Should you be unfortunate enough to receive an error message that says: Invalid file path. Abort or Continue? Be warned , Selecting 'Continue' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. On the other hand, selecting 'Abort' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. Please select the most appropriate option. When installation is complete, make sure your computer is plugged into the phone socket, type in your Name, Address and Credit Card details and press 'SEND'. This will automatically register you for our free software prize, 'Blank Screensaver IV: Night Time in Deep Space', and allow us to pass your name to lots and lots of computer magazines, online services and other commercial enterprises, who will be getting I touch shortly. If you should see numerous miscellaneous debits on your credit card, this is perfectly normal as it verifies that your modem is working correctly. Please be sure to fill in you warranty registration form and send it to us immediately. Failure to do this will result in us not receiving it.


<new page>


You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying start:

Writing a letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with the name of someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then write 'Sincerely yours' followed by your own name. Print it off on your new printer that you are about to order from us and Voila!

Saving a file: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose 'Save As', Choose 'Recycle Bin' as the location and press 'OK'. Alternatively, write it in long-hand on a sheet of paper and place it in a drawer.

Advice on using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't!

Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems through the life of your computer. These are quite normal and commonplace so don't send anything back to us.

Here are a few problems you may encounter and their solutions: Problem: My computer won't turn on Solution/Advice: This is perfectly normal

Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution/Advice: Turn the keyboard the right way up.

Problem: My foot pedal wont work
Solution/Advice: Try using it on the mouse mat instead

Problem: My CD Rom won't work.
Solution/Advice: This is not a CD-ROM, it's a coffee holder.

Problem: I have made a mistake in the word processor. How do I change it?
Solution/Advice: Tipp-Ex over the mistake and type it in correctly.

Problem: I keep getting a message saying 'General Protection Fault'
Solution/Advice: This is probably because you are trying to use the computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any messages will disappear.

Problem: What exactly will my warranty cover?
Solution/Advice: Its big enough to cover your mouse mat

Problem: My PC is a useless piece of junk
Solution/Advice: You need to upgrade to the Anthrax 3000 turbo model with exclusive limited ability, or trade your PC in for our pen and paper set. **

** Due to problems with some of our pens, the pen and paper set has been discontinued.

[teapeebubbles]

These days we are all some what caught in an "Internet lifestyle", so here are some things you can do in the horrific event your ISP goes down...

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet.

9. Get ass groove in chair fixed at store.

10. Tylenol... Tylenol! Where the hell is the Tylenol!

11. Do shopping with clothes on.

12. Check your mail box every 15 minutes.

[teapeebubbles]

Wife 1.0
To Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began
unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this
phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Boys Night Out 2.5 and Sa****ay Football 5.0 or Golf 4.0 no
longer run; crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the
background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about
going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me,
please!!! Otherwise, I'm stuck..
Thanks, Stuck


Dear Stuck:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is
merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and
designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and
still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend
7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from
the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife1.0 is not designed to
do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than
the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony /Child Support."
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I
might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). YOU
must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.exe. In any case avoid
excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to run the
APOLOGIZE.foreverything.exe command before the operating system will return to normal. Note:
In some rare (but becoming more common) cases you will need to run the APOLOGIZE.foreverything.exe
command routinely - the time frame between commands is approximately 28 days. The system will run smooth as long
as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great system but very high maintenance.
Consider buying addition software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. We recommend
Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and will DEFINITELY cause software
conflicts, possibly also hardware conflicts which will cause irreversible damage to the operating
system.
Best of luck.
Tech Support

[teapeebubbles]

An old bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walked up to a stone pulpit and said.... "And it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely women, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abrahama did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, " I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale--and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).

Abraham thought loud and long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."

And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so."

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadi Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites...NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay", he said, "we need a name of a service that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"Whoopee!" said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" Dot Com said.

[teapeebubbles]

You may have heard these terms used quite frequently, but do you know what they
REALLY mean?...

ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM = I Blame Microsoft
DEC = Do Expect Cuts
CA = Constant Acquisitions
CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.
SCSI = System Can't See It
DOS = Defunct Operating System
BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
WWW = World Wide Wait

[teapeebubbles]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A GOOD OL' BOY COMPUTER OPERATOR IF:

Most of the e-mail you receive comes from people who want to borrow your truck.

You're right proud of that Jack Daniels mouse pad that you keep on your desk.

When your Mac is running a little slow, you try to fix it by squirtin' it real good with some
WD-40.

You can't understand why the spell checker on your word processing software doesn't
recognize the words "col'beer", "hon", and "frog-strangler".

One thing that bothers you is how hardly anyone who sends out e-mail has a handle.
You get the itch to start a message with the words, "Hey, good buddy, you got your ears
on?"

You can't figure out why Microsoft doesn't have its own NASCAR team. I mean, if it's
good enough for Cheerios, Valvoline, and the Cartoon Network, it ought to be good
enough for Bill Gates, right? '

Instead of "bytes", you think of it as "horsepower".

You finally decided to buy a computer after the Gun and Knife Show went online.

You have been thrown out of several chat rooms for cussing and trying to start an online
fistfight.

Your keyboard looks a little different than everyone else's. Instead of an apple, your
command button has an okra on it.

Congratufreakin'lations - you hold the world record for most number of hits - on the
World Wrestling Federation web page.

The reason your printer is jammed is that you dropped your tobacco chew spit cup into
the paper holder.

Most of the e-mail you send starts with "I'll tell you what," "This ain't no bull," or "It's got to
where you cain't..."

Some guy asked you about your floppy, so naturally you decked him.

You're pretty sure computers would work better if Briggs & Stratton began marketing a
model that cranks up with a pull rope.

You think that every child should be linked up to the Internet for educational purposes.
But you wish there was more information about how to dynamite fish or build your own
still.

Your favorite search engine is Yahoo, because you run around screaming it during
football games and wrestling matches anyway.

The only reason you had your computer equipped with a CD-ROM was so you could
listen to Merle Haggard.

You figure computer science will have peaked when you can buy a 12-pack of Old
Milwaukee online without leaving your doublewide

[teapeebubbles]

TOP 10 REASONS COMPUTERS ARE MALE

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on the but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

[teapeebubbles]

From the WordPerfect Help Desk

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[teapeebubbles]

Q: What's the definition of a computer nerd?

A: A guy who knows 4,560 ways to have sex but
doesn't know any girls

[teapeebubbles]

Computer Women

SERVER woman:
She's always busy when you need her.

WINDOWS woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right,
but none can live without her.

POWERPOINT woman:
Only Bill Gates has the will to use her more
than half an hour.

EXCEL woman:
They say she can do a lot of things, but you
mostly use her for your four basic needs.

WORD woman:
She always has a surprise reserved for you,
but no one in the world is able to fully
understand her.

DOS woman:
Everyone has had her at least once, but no one
wants her anymore.

BACKUP woman:
You have always believed that she has every-
thing you need, but when "X-hour" comes, you
find out that she has missed something.

VIRUS woman:
Also known as "wife"; when you are not expect-
ing her to, she comes, installs herself and
uses all your resources. If you try to
uninstall her you will lose something, but
if you don't try to uninstall her you will
lose everything.

SCANDISK woman:
You know that she is good and that she only
wants to help you, but you never know what
she is really doing that for.

SCREENSAVER woman:
She is not worth anything, but at least she's
fun!

RAM woman:
She forgets everything you say when you
disconnect her.

HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything.... FOREVER.

MULTIMEDIA woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

MICROSOFT woman:
She wants to have domination over all the men
she meets, and she tries to convince them that
this is the best thing for them. She will do
the best she can to make you fight against
other women, and she promises you that you
will have everything you want if you will give
her your address book. Before you figure it
out, she will be the only one in your life...
it will even come to the day when you will
need her permission to open your refrigerator
or start your car.

PASSWORD woman:
You think you're the only one who knows her,
but in reality all the world does....

MP3 woman:
Everybody wants to take her...

USER woman:
She fucks up everything she does, and she
always asks for more than she needs.

CPU woman:
From outside, she looks like she has every-
thing, but on the inside she is empty...

MONITOR woman:
She makes life look better and brighter.

CD-ROM woman:
She's always going faster and faster.

DATAWAREHOUSING woman:
She keeps you informed of everything, except
what you really want to know.

E-MAIL woman:
Out of every ten things she says, eight are
bullshit.

[teapeebubbles]

Q: What is a computer's first sign of old age?

A: Loss of memory.

[teapeebubbles]

Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't
feel that men provide them with enough frustration.

[teapeebubbles]

following are new Windows messages that are under
consideration for the planned Windows 2012:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to
play another game?

6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive
now? (Y/Y)"

7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the
world. Please log off."

8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and
press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL &
PAPER.SYS)

15. User Error: Replace user.

16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it?
(Y/N)"

17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen
software titles have been deleted. The police are
on the way.

[teapeebubbles]

TO TECHNICAL SUPPORT:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs & launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this Wife 1.0.
Can you help me, please!!! Otherwise, I'm screwed.
Thanks, Joe.

REPLY:
DEAR JOE SCREWED
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade form Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more
problems than the original system.
Look in you manual under "Warnings-Alimony / Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command: C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.
The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance to Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.
Tech Support.

[teapeebubbles]

Computer Sayings

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives. {Given that La Chat in French means a cat, this is especially cute}

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like http://www.home.com <http://www.home.com/>; .

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

[teapeebubbles]

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS
2000 "TENNESSEE EDITION" may have accidentally been shipped outside of
the STATE of TENNESSEE.

If you have one of these, you may require help understanding
the commands. The "TENNESSEE EDITION", may be recognized by the
unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture
of Willie Nelson superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN TENNESSEE EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset.............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find..............Hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back..............Back yonder
Help..............Hep me out here
Stop..............Kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... . stuff ah done did

Also note that the TENNESSEE EDITION does not recognize capital
letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS
2000:
Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a
copy of the TENNESSEE EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a
replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates

[teapeebubbles]

WHERE DELETED CHARACTERS GO
by Joel Garreau (Washington Post)

QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace
or delete them on my PC?

ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on
whom you ask:


The Catholic Church's approach to characters:
The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed
in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are
punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those
involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast,"
"sex" and "contraception."


The Buddhist explanation:
If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then
after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated
as a different, higher character. Those funny characters
above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers,
numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will
become upper-case.


The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:
Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page,
deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.


The Mac user's explanation:
All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go
to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can
probably see the deleted characters, because you're in
PC hell also.


Stephen King's explanation:
Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster
inside the cursor, who tears the poor
unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then
eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!


Dave Barry's explanation:
The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan,
where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why
Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not
flammable. I'm not making this up.


IBM's explanation:
The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen
when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely
to deconceptualize them. Get a life.


PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:
You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them
SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS
while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

[teapeebubbles]

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:



2. Now, describe the problem accurately:



3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:



4. Problem Severity:

Minor Minor Minor Trivial


5. Nature of the problem:

Locked Up Frozen Hung Strange Smell


6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes ..... No

7. Is it turned on? Yes ..... No

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes ..... No

9. Have you made it worse? Yes

10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes ..... No

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes

12. Have you read the manual? Yes ..... No

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe ..... No

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes ..... No

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.



17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?



l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?



l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes ..... No

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes ..... What's a VCR?

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes ..... No

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes ..... No

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes ..... No

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes ..... No

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes ..... No

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes ..... Not Yet

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes

Yes, I know there is no "SUBMIT" button

[teapeebubbles]

THE LIFE OF A COMPUTER ANALYST
(Long but VERY Funny!)
Monday
------
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password
retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and
hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too?
8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports
database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works
for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from
the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again.
One more happy customer...
8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing
Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to
microsupport.
11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back
in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this
weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down
in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are
this weekend!
11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed
on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access
database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so
performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 pm
Lunch
3:30 pm
Return from lunch.
3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no
reason. Return to napping.
4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask
them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they
find out.
4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift
has something to do.
Tuesday
-------
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible
time with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Could you put
something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support
lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need
form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell
them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such
a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell
her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital
status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for
Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell
her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last
week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally
deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.
Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I
grab a smoke.
1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor
tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running
in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"
1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in
form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix
it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for
"Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over
industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes."
Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and
hangs up.
2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in
her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably
fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the
airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for
her while she does that.
2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday
---------
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.
Tell them of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not
"chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules
10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support
manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about
to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several
lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world
countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask
if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail
databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer
in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he
reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate
PBX system sometime.
11:00 am
Lunch.
4:55 pm
Return from lunch.
5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.
Thursday
--------
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him
server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM
PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both
monochrome and color.
8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him.
Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments.
Is this guy great or what?!
11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of
sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is
down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and
plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee
beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with
said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and
relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point
to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so
myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell
to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing
the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
Friday
------
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told
them it worked fine before I left.
9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls
myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the
Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call
Telecommunications.
9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and
can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a
two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two
hours.
10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to
set server ahead three hours.
11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on
their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to
get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment
with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in
on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a
meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell
him.
12:00 am
Lunch.
1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make
them fast.
1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm
appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection
document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL.
Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means
appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if
he's seen corporate Web page lately.
3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest
they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them
document addendum which says so.
4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set
point size to "2" in help databases.
4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to
go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then
refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them
I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too)
much.
5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell them the hub is acting funny and to have a
good weekend.

[teapeebubbles]

HOW THE INTERNET BEGAN

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And
Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed,
she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from
town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving
thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied,
"I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send
messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you
which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham
sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from
his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret
himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And
the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums
that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over
by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as
it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what
we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

[teapeebubbles]

How to Please Your I.T. Department

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a
ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and
children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse
of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be
there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver
passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it.
We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power
on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're
just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out.
We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush
delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no
name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them,
argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice:
"And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get
sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the
company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by
"My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

[teapeebubbles]

Actual" letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to
her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards.

Dear Mr. Baker,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic
expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an
intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel.

After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during
the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the
true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a
waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I
know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to
provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly
attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why
people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I
am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. Managers like
you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is
unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I
am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you
to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I
prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next
couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do
it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every
password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute,
I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when
you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like
"Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's
birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of
yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the
techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such acts
with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept
in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation.
(Try to use spell check please; I hate correcting your mistakes.)

I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One
word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted obsessions will be
open to the public. Never f uck with your systems administrator.

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia

[TORPEDO]

Colors on iHub.

Color coding on iHub is not stable.

E.g., in both of these, I selected [color=blue].

Why does one shows up purple, the other blue?

8-4-11 -- Powerpoint Presentation – Sterling Group Ventures - Phosphate

7-26-11 – Sterling Appoints Experienced Miner for Phosphate Development in China
Appointed Mr. Shi-jin QIN as Senior Engineer. See above for Mr. QIN’s CV.

[teapeebubbles]

Female computer terms

HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no
one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Woman:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her,
she comes, installs herself and uses all your
resources. If you try to uninstall her you will loose
something if you don't try to uninstall her you will be
rendered useless...

[teapeebubbles]

Honest Technical Help

A customer calls the computer technical help
line:

Customer: "I have Windows XP on my computer."

Tech: "Yes."

Customer: "My computer isn't working right."

Tech: "Yes. You already told me that."

[JUST 10-11-12]

new computer Core 17 2600K

hit an icon for a song on IHUB, and the new computer goes
haywire. restarted OK....however, the system board check
is gone and produces and error message. computer works
fine when it is left on.

however, since this incident...I have had a number of
reboot problems, needing to use the recovery system.

the tech support finally figured it may have to do with BIOS.
they think a software problem.

I think it is a defective part: chipset, motherboard?

tech wants be to send it to repair shop(free of cost)to diagnosis and repair.

any ideas how a new computer with topnotch technology can go
haywire just hitting one icon on IHUB--an icon likely from youtube..and someone I trust.

thanks Keith

[teapeebubbles]

I7 920 @ 4.02Ghz
6gb Corsair Dominators
P6T Deluxe
BFG 285 GTX OC
OCZ Powerstream 700w
Samsung 2693HM 25in
PS3/X360 60" Panny

[teapeebubbles]

there's almost nothing you can do to make your computer magically run like new, but you can make it better.

1.) Run registry cleaners (CCleaner is a great free tool for that)

2.) Delete a lot unused memory, some people have a lot of large unused files just sitting there wasting space

3.) Defragment your computer. Whenever a file is saved, its not done in one neat little place, but rather in "fragments", or separate places. This can make accessing a file take longer, so find your built i defragmenter or get a nice one from the web (pririform's defraggler is neat) and run it on your computer.

4.) If you're using windows, get microsoft security essentials (its free, and better than most anti virus/malware/etc. programs you typically pay $60 for) and run that.

5.) If you're gonna look at porn or "questionable" sites, know how to run script blockers or don't go there at all.

And all of this is just for a basic tune up, don't ever expect quick fixes (even good ones) to make your computer blazing fast. Cheers.

[teapeebubbles]

Windows gets slower and slower for a number of reasons, some mentioned in the article, but one not mentioned is a flaw in Windows' design -- the registry. It grows every time you boot your computer. Sooner or later it gets big anough to slow the computer down.

[teapeebubbles]

we're computing for a better america :)

[teapeebubbles]

still here :)

[teapeebubbles]

hi

[teapeebubbles]

Intel (NSDQ:INTC)'s system builder partners are facing a great deal of uncertainty following the recall of Intel's series 6 "Cougar Point" dual-core chipset, which affects Sandy Bridge-based mobile and desktop computers.

In a conference call Monday, Intel said it had identified a circuit design error in its Intel 6 series chipset, code-named Cougar Point, and that it had fixed the problem. While some Intel partners are dissatisfied with Intel's handling of the matter, others give the chipmaker credit for quickly identifying and fixing the problem, and offering a timeline for issuing replacements.

[teapeebubbles]

Moses & The Lord

"Excuse me, Sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, Sir."

"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?"

"Oh, yes; I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, Sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."

"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"

"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."

"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are important.
Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."

"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, Sir; I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."

"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yes. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"

"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."

"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!"

"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse!
And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let me see.
'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and
'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses.
I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."

[teapeebubbles]

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

[teapeebubbles]

The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.

[teapeebubbles]

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

[teapeebubbles]

If you were preventive enough to save a copy of anything, you will not need it. Therefore - Not saving a copy of anything is directly proportional to the value of the information lost and the amount of time invested in gathering and typing it

[teapeebubbles]

The quickest way to shutdown a PC is to unplug it.

Corollary: ACPI shutdown (sometimes faster to get to than the plug) does not always work.

Corollary: ACPI shutdown will fail most frequently when you run the risk of being caught doing something.

[teapeebubbles]

If you need to shutdown your PC ASAP, It will restart.

[teapeebubbles]

Auto Correct - isn't

Microsoft excel- doesn't

[teapeebubbles]

You will get disconnected from the Internet or experience a computer crash when you are downloading. If you don't experience one within 80% completion, then it will happen at 99%. If you do manage to get the file, then it will turn out to be completely useless and/or invalid.

[teapeebubbles]

No matter what problem you have with your computer - Its Always Microsoft's fault

Corollary: If its not their fault - Blame them anyway