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Corollary 1 - A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it have no bugs.
Corollary 2 - At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization.
•Every non trivial program has at least one bug
•The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.
•Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.
•If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
•If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
•Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
•Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
The troubleshooting guide contains the answer to every problem except yours.
A computer is only as smart as the person using it
The sound of grinding metal or the sight of smoke coming from a case is a warning that you are trying to do too much with too little.
A program will work when you think it should only when you don't care if it does.
the chance to lose data is inversely proportional to the number people in the room when updating a simple server program
The survivability of a system is directly proportional to the price of the cooling system applied to it and inversely proportional to the amount of use it sees.
Antivirus systems only effectively work on a virus after given virus has passed its prime.
The most frightening of viruses is the virus you do not know is already there.
The amount of damage that a string of code can do is inversely proportional to the length of the string
You only receive instant messaging, when working on a project that's due instantly
When designing a program to handle all possible dumb errors, nature creates a dumber user
The smallest problems will immediately be brought to the attention of the CEO, but the big problems will be ignored until the affected system goes down.
Leet speak is nothing more than some poor fool's attempt to type really, really fast.
Computers never work the way they are supposed to. Especially when nothing is wrong with them.
the longer the e-mail, the greater the chance it will not make it to its destination, for whatever reason
If you were preventive enough to save a copy of anything, you will not need it. Therefore - Not saving a copy of anything is directly proportional to the value of the information lost and the amount of time invested in gathering and typing it
Proof-read all e-mails three or four times before sending it. All errors are detected immediatly after being sent
the chance to lose data is inversely proportional to the number people in the room when updating a simple server program
The lady was using a power strip to plug her computer and other devices into. Windows was completely frozen, and she was unable to shut down the machine by using the power button.
She mentioned the power strip, so I told her to flip it off.
Imagine my surprise when she said, "Ok, I flipped it off, I gave it the finger. Everything is still locked up, but I feel better."
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.........................thank you.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
Tech support: Good day... How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry...
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
Customer: I have a huge problem... A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
25 Interesting Things That You Learn About Computers in The Movies...
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental
institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly
understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL
OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD
VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while,
smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop
computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some
computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can
read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the
characters come across the screen.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface.
Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an
explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)
11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and
guess the secret password in two tries.
13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under
three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as
will the entire building.
16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the
screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to
access it.
18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All
application software is usable by all computer platforms.
19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have
been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time,
photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone
capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.
22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her
face.
23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers
never make mistakes under stress.
24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far
as you want to. Example: "What's that fuzzy thing in the corner? I don't know, let's check. It's the
murder weapon! Let's look under the bed for the killers shoes. no, just some comics books
(Marvel 1954, very rare). Let's check the closet shelves...!"
Moses & The Lord
"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, Sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."
"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are important.
Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."
"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, Sir; I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yes. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"
"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!"
"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse!
And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let me see.
'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and
'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses.
I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Hard Disk space: the final frontier!
Computers can never replace human stupidity
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
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