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Memory
=======
An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering
things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked
out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the
doctor about the problems they were having with their
memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them
that they were physically okay but might want to start
writing things down and make notes to help them remember
things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his
chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it
down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on
top. You had better write that down because I know you'll
forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream
with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top.
I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write
that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and
handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate
for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
http://www.mountainwings.com/past/2326.htm
Doilies
========
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her
husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoebox on a shelf in
her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was
old and dying.
One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the
box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.
He took the box to her and asked about the contents.
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained.
"She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every
time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad
at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the Doilies."
(borrowed from http://www.mountainwings.com
Prepare to Fly - Let MountainWings.com help lift you over the Mountains of Life)
Conversation after a woman gets her hair cut:
First Woman: You got a haircut! It's so cute!
Second Woman: Do you think so? I wasn't sure. You don't think it's too puffy looking?
First Woman: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I wish I could get my hair cut like that, but my face is too wide.
Second Woman: You serious? Your face is adorable. You could get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute. I was going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
First Woman: That's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from my shoulder line.
Second Woman: Are you kidding? I know girls who would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Conversation after a man gets his hair cut:
First Man: Haircut?
Second Man: Yeah.
HORMONE HOSTAGE
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
And my personal favorite.....
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
The druggist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand
an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told
him, "Now just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked myself out of the
house, with both house keys and car keys inside. I had to break a window to
get my keys.
Then driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was
about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to
the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open. I got the
store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn
phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got
down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, the phone was still
ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open register drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume
bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back
to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer..and believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell
her!"
Sleeping At Your Desk
======================
Ten Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably
got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-
related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who
practice yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at
your desk.....
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
Of course, this is only a joke.
Don't sleep at your desk, and don't tell fibs.
Yes, that needed saying.
(borrowed from http://www.MountainWings.com
MountainWings is a Free Daily E-Mail that makes you Laugh, Think, and just plain Feel Good about Life.)
Summer Camp
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried.
We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we lef. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.
This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Christopher
Updating religion
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir, and we are packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional."
"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof!"
Women's Issues
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand
1. OTHER WOMEN
The Talking Dog
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, 'cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for only $10?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
Med School
First-year students at Med School were receiving
their first anatomy class with a real dead human
body. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In
medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important
qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be
disgusted by anything involving the human body." For
an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse,withdrew
it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and
do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger
in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them
and told them, "The second most important quality
is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and
sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay
attention."
24 SIGNS YOU'VE GROWN UP
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
letter from home:
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle.
Not much more news this time, write soon.
Love, Mom
P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.
The Mine Rescue Was.....All WRONG !!!
A Government Committee has announced that the rescue of the Pennsylvania coal miners has been repealed, and the miners will, by recommendation of the Committee, be placed back in the mine. The Committee noted the following violations in the rescue process:
10. Heavy diesel equipment was moved to the rescue site without concern for possible air pollution.
9. Water was pumped out of the mine without first determining if it was polluted, or providing an environmentally safe catchment area for the water.
8. Numerous holes were drilled in the ground during the rescue, without first performing an Environmental Impact study.
7. No effort was made to ensure racial, ethnic, and sexual diversity of the rescue workers.
6. The Governor of Pennsylvania was heard to "Thank God" during a live television broadcast of the rescue, violating the separation of church and state.
5. Several people at this public, government supported, rescue mentioned praying.
4. The trapped miners did not represent a diversified cross section of American society.
3. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Hillary Clinton were not given sufficient time to make speeches at the site.
2. The Senate was not given sufficient time to determine whether or not any Republican office holder owned stock in the coal company, thus being responsible for the conspiracy that caused the mine to flood.
And Number 1:No one mentioned that Al Gore invented mine rescues.
"Once a diversified group of miners has been chosen and placed back into the mine shaft, the holes will be sealed, the water will be returned to the mine, and the rescue will then be undertaken again, in an environmentally and politically correct manner," the Committee noted.
Chas,
Received them via email.
Subject: Truisms
1. Every teenager should get a high school education, even if they already know everything.
2. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
4. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
6. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
11. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
12. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
13. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
14. There is a theory, which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something, even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
15. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
16. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
17. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,but they've always worked for me.
18. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Sports comments:
Here are some comments made by sports commentators that they might
wish to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her
warm-up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse
and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique,
except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in
front of the similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some
deaths in boxing - but none of them were really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the
wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing
so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls
and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
And: Dan Dierdorf on Monday Night Football; "The team that scores the most points wins the game!"
News of the future:
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035:
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)
Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radio-activity decreases to safe levels.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Baby conceived naturally - scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes before installation is completed.
New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
Southern Professional Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A.66 Ford Fairlane: B. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle: C.64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a Field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house south of Beckley and 3.7 acres of land in a
hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of
the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton coal truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a
steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the
average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it
will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The Mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country western singer?
Scrabble
The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)
> > >
George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
> > >
Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
> > >
Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
> > >
Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
> > >
The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
> > >
Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em
> > >
Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
> > >
Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
> > >
Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's
> > >
A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
> > >
The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
> > >
Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
> > >
And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged
With no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERN
> > >
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts,"Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief. "I've spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could you kill these people in cold blood that way?"
The chief replied, "My bike."
WINDOWS 2000 TEXAS VERSION
Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 TEXAS EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the state of Texas. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The TEXAS EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads:
WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on the Alamo.
Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct tape" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN TEXAS EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset..............try'er agin
Yes..................yep
No...................nope
Find.................hunt fer it
Go to...............over yonder
Back................back yonder
Help.................hep me out here
Stop..................kwitit
Start.................crank'er up
Settings............settins
Programs..........stuff at duz stuff
Documents.......stuff ah done did
Also note that the TEXAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 2000:
Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.............a graphics program
Cyferin' mersheen.....calculator
Outhouse paper.........notepad
Inner-net....................Microsoft Explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the TEXAS EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
I hope this helps all ya'll!
Billy Bob Gates
A Texas story
A Texan died and ascended into Heaven.
St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying "You will certainly enjoy
Paradise."
The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always thought that TEXAS was
Paradise."
St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we have to offer." He took
the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with
wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this beautiful?" said St. Peter.
The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN
ANTONIO."
Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were
rolling hills, whitetail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush
everywhere. "Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen anything so
wonderful?"
The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a
candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime."
Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a beautiful white
beach, with gentle waves, and an azure sky. "Now have you seen anything
this beautiful in Texas" said St. Peter.
The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never been to SOUTH PADRE
ISLAND".
At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock. On the side of
the rock was a huge iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they
stepped into an elevator and started going down.
As they descended, it grew more and more hot. When the elevator door
opened, it revealed the fires of damnation. St. Peter said, "Now,
have you got anything in Texas that can top that?"
The Texan thought a moment and shook his head. "No, but I know a couple
of old boys from HOUSTON that can put that thing out for you."
If You Gotta Go, Start Early
=============================
An old lady, quite delicate and elegant, especially in her
speech, was planning several weeks vacation in Florida with her
husband and wanted to make sure the camp grounds were fully
equipped.
She didn't know just how to ask the manger about the toilet
facilities. She decided that she couldn't use the word "toilet"
in her letter to the manager. So after studying about it for
some time, she thought the old-fashioned title "bathroom commode"
sounded good.
But, maybe he would think that she was a bit forward, so she
tore up the letter and started all over again. Referring to the
toilet, in her final letter to the manager she asked if the
campgrounds had a B.C.
Well, the manager had no idea what she was talking about, so he
showed the letter to several friends. They couldn't figure out
what she meant either.
Finally, they came to the conclusion that she must mean
did the campgrounds have a Baptist Church.
So, when he answered her letter he said,
"Dear Madame,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I am
pleased to tell you that we do have a B.C.
It is located just one mile North of the camp. It will seat 250
people at one time. I admit that it is quite a distance away if
you go regularly.
You might be interested to know that there is a supper planned
to make money to buy more seats. They will have them in the
basement of the B.C.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago. It was so
crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to
go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my
part.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially
in cold weather.
Some people take their lunch and make a day of it. They arrive
early and stay late.
If you do decide to come here, perhaps I could go with you the
first time you go. I could sit beside you and introduce you to
the others.
Remember, this is a friendly community."
AT YOUR SERVICE:
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
The act of doing things for other people.
Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations...
And I became confused about the word "service."
This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.
SHAZAM!!
It all came into perspective.
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us...
How do I get into Heaven?
If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was,"No!"
"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
Women Drivers
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!
It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
DAMM WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Outdoor Barbecuing --
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Apples And Cookies
Up at the head table in the cafeteria of a Catholic school, one of the nuns had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples.
Beside the bowl, she placed a note which read, "Take only one.
Remember, God is watching."
At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven.
Beside that bowl, was a note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read, "Take all you want. God's watching the apples."
What is a LAFORZA ?
(this is stolen from RB http://ragingbull.lycos.com/mboard/boards.cgi?board=LFZA&read=1334 posted by "Fast Lady" aka "faster_stronger")
The LAFORZA Mystique: Rugged, Rare, Elegant, Powerful, Substantial, Ultra-Luxury, Italian Built, Ford Reliability, Hand Crafted, Go Anywhere Do Anything Vehicle, Distinctive, Discriminating, Versatile, Rugged, Upscale, In vogue yet timeless.
The LAFORZA Market: For individuals seeking exclusivity and separation from the Explorer and Range Rover crowd.
Custom Italian- hand crafted vehicle interior designed by a famous Italian design studio, Vehicle is manufactured by Magnum Industriale, based in Cherasco, Italy.
Note: Laforza Automobiles Inc. has acquired Magnum Industriale and taken over their entire production facility in Italy.
Body styled by Thomas Tjaarda who first worked at Ghia and PininFarina. He was then chief stylist at Ghia’s and Fiat’s design center. Today, he has his own design studio, and his 70+ creations include the DeTomaso Pantera, Fiats popular 124 Spider and Ferrari’s 365 California. Tjaarda considers the Laforza one of his better creations, because it has stood the test of time so well.
Vehicle spends nine hours going down the Pininfarina paint and assembly line in Turin Italy; Utilizes Ford powerplant and drivetrain. Final assembly by Laforza Automobiles Inc. in Escondido, California.
Incredibly tight turning radius that rivals many sport cars, inside 32’
A great conversation starter (people will chase you down to find out what you’re driving); their attracted to the vehicle and always have questions.
Laforza is Italian for “the force, power or strength. Suspension and chassis derived from a Fiat Anti-Terrorist/Police military vehicle; capable of low level parachute drops.
Trailer tow capacity of 8,000 pounds…179.9’ overall length; 106” wheelbase; width 78.7” which is 2” wider than any of it’s competitors; Height 78.7”; Ground clearance 8.5”; comes with two different engine and drive train combinations. (1) 220HP Ford Explorer 5.0 Liter Fuel Injected V-8 engine with Electronic four speed automatic transmission coupled with full time all wheel drive. (2) 185HP Ford Bronco 5.0 Liter Fuel Injected V-8 engine with select 4 on the fly automatic transmission. Vehicle weight 5250 pounds 2 ½ tons, Towing capacity 7500 lbs. Depending on model selected the Laforza comes with a 2 year/24K mile or 3 year/36K mile all inclusive service contract.
Automotive Industry Comments:
Car and Driver: “It’s a cup of expresso in an ocean of Maxwell House…The Laforza is indeed Italian, it has a suspension derived from a Fiat-built army truck, a sumptuous leather interior, an all 18 gauge steel body”. Autoweek: “an Italian-born, Ford-powered dirt stomper…the most versatile luxury SUV in the world”. Road and Track: “Ride and handling are superb…sumptuous interior…Laforza is impressively quiet and feels luxurious.”
Laforza Magnum Edition
FACTORY DIRECT PURCHASE PROGRAM
Over 95% of our sales emanate from our “Factory Direct” program with deliveries throughout the U.S. In addition to our standard production models, we are able personalize our vehicles with custom features that will satisfy the most discriminating buyer. Our current delivery schedule is between 6 to 8 weeks depending on selected level of customization.
Warranty service for our vehicles is administered by UAL . They provide comprehensive full coverage protection for a 24 or 36 month period. You have the option of taking the vehicle to any state authorized automotive repair facility for repairs or service. This affords our owner’s maximum flexibility without geographic limitations.
To help facilitate your purchase we have arranged a financing conduit through one of our local federal credit unions. You may borrow up to 90% of the purchase price, amortized over 60-72 months at very favorable interest rates. (subject to credit approval)
CURRENT PRODUCTION MODELS
1998/2001 Laforza Magnum 4X4 SUV
With a year 2002 final assembly date - $55,900
Powertrain:
Equipped with a 302/5.0 Liter 340 HP “Supercharged” Fuel Injected Ford engine coupled with a Ford electronic four-speed automatic transmission with full time all wheel drive.
3 year/36,000 mile warranty.
1989/98 Laforza G.T. Edition - $41,590
These new limited production vehicles are currently being built on the original 1989 chassis utilizing our latest build technology. Each is equipped with a Ford Explorer 5.0 Liter fuel injected 220 HP V-8 engine, coupled with a four-speed electronic automatic transmission and “select 4 wheel drive”
These vehicles will be certified and titled as 1998’s and covered by 3 year/36K mile service contract.
Standard equipment includes: Full leather interior, Power steering, windows, seats, locks and moon roof. Tilt steering,
Cruise control
G.T. Package includes the following features:
1998 style grill and headlight assembly
Free-flow cat-back exhaust system with dual outlet
4” Stainless steel exhausts extensions
Side steps w/logo
Window Tinting & Graphics
16” Chrome G.T. Wheels with 275-70 tires
How to appreciate depreciation
Looking for a good excuse to buy a big, expensive sport/utility vehicle? Full-size trucks are eligible for big tax breaks that are not applicable to luxury cars
If you use one for business, a full-size Sport/Ute is a better buy in the long run than a passenger car, thanks to a technicality in the tax code that many accountants have only recently discovered.
Owners of a vehicle that is used for business with a gross vehicle weight rating of more than 6000 pounds can depreciate a larger portion of the vehicles cost annually than they can with a passenger car. (The Laforza has GVW rating of 7400 lbs) The net result is the cost of the SUV can be fully recovered more quickly than the cost of similarly priced luxury car. And since SUV’s are considered trucks, they are exempt from the luxury excise tax as well, making the overall tax advantages substantial. Any personal use of the SUV merely reduces depreciation by the percentage of the time the vehicle is utilized for non business activities.
The person who uses a $45,000 passenger car solely for business can depreciate only $3,060 of the vehicle cost in its first year because tax laws cap the amount that you can depreciate. Last year, the limit amounted to the first $12,800 of the cars purchase price amortized over five years. (Check with your accountant as to current limitations)
Conversely, take a $45,000 Sport Utility Vehicle used solely for business, and the amount that you can depreciate in the first year is $9,000 because the limitations do not apply. By the end of five years, the depreciation on the SUV totals $42,408. In the sixth year the full purchase price of the vehicle has been fully depreciated.
If the owner meets a variety of other criteria, the tax advantage may be accelerated even further. The same SUV under Section 179 of the tax code can have $17,500 of its purchase price written off as an expense with depreciation taken every year thereafter. Over five years, $43,416 of the $45,000 purchase price is deductible.
“Bottom line” the absence of a luxury tax coupled with very favorable depreciation allowances, creates a compelling reason for buying a full-size sport utility vehicle.
Source: Autoweek
LAFORZA Safety Features
The Laforza has been designed from the ground up to provide unusual handling, control, and visibility to help avoid accidents. You sit high, above traffic, and your Laforza can respond quickly, surely, and with a full range of options.
Sometimes, however, exceptional handling is not enough. We hope you will never need this, but if you are in a serious accident, you will quite possibly be grateful for some other features of the Laforza.
The Laforza is extraordinarily sturdy, weighing in at 5300 lbs. In a collision with another smaller vehicle, your Laforza will decelerate less rapidly and thus absorb less inertial force. We build the Laforza to help you stay out of these kinds of situations, but if you can’t, we like to think we’ve done our part to increase you chances.
The Laforza has the structural elements you would not expect in most SUV’S, such as 18 gauge steel body, strong bracing inside the doors to protect you in the event of a collision from the side, and reinforcing members in the roof. “Literally a cage of steel”.
The Laforza has a wider stance than most Sport Utility Vehicles currently on the market (width 78.7”). Wheel base width is a major component in the lateral stability (resistance to rollover and body lean) on any type of vehicle. The Laforza design elements incorporate the optimum balance between “weight, length, width and height”
The end result is an SUV exhibiting an extraordinary blend of strength, mobility and reliable performance.
Contact: Robert Miller, Vice President-Sales
Toll-Free # 800.523.6792 Email: Laforza@pacbell.net for additional Digital Photo’s and information.
If your email application supports text only emails then click on this link to view the html message in your internet browser. click here
LAFORZA “High Performance” Special Edition
SOLD
$37,500.00, Excellent financing (subject to credit approval)
ONLY (1) vehicle remaining
Color: Silver/Grey
These new/unregistered High performance vehicles (4) were assembled on special order, utilizing our latest build technology. Each is equipped with a supercharged 5.0 Liter 302 V-8 Fuel Injected Ford Mustang HO engine, generating approximately 345 HP. Four-speed automatic transmission coupled with Hi-Lo Range 4x4 WD. These vehicles are covered by a 2 year/24 month full service contract.
Standard equipment includes: Full leather interior, Birdseye maple interior trim, Power steering, windows, seats, locks and moon roof. Trailer tow package and side steps. Blaupunkt AM/FM/Cassette stereo system.
[See the attached file]
Featuring our latest High Tech grill configuration
[See the attached file]
[See the attached file]
Luxurious full leather interiors
[See the attached file]
Optional, handsome walnut burl wood interior appointments
A purchase of one of our High Performance Special Edition Laforza’s represents a truly unique opportunity for the discerning buyer.
Contact: Robert Miller, Vice President-Sales
Toll-Free # 800.523.6792 Email: Laforza@pacbell.net
Sick and Old
=============
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started
feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church
and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church
and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy.
They have a box next to the front door that says,
'For the Sick.'"
------------------------------------------------------------
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about
their ailments.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee,"
said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my
coffee," replied another.
"It has gotten to where I cannot hear anything anymore,"
said one in the loudest voice of the group.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said
the fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," claimed another.
"I can't even remember what I'm doing half the time; if I don't
make myself a note, I forget what I am trying to do in the first
place," chimed yet another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old
man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully.
"Thank the Lord we can all still drive."
borrowed from: http://www.mountainwings.com/ a daily, free email service offering "wings over the mountains of life"
ultimate reward
A cat died and went to heaven. God met him at the golden gate and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Any thing you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven at the same time. God met the mice at the gates of heaven with the same offer that he made the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates we would never have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is every thing okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. My pillow is so fluffy and those little meals on wheels you have been sending over are really delicious."
Stranded on an island
One day this guy, who's been stranded on all alone on a desert island for 10 years, is sitting out on the beach when a beautiful woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear suddenly emerges from the surf. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She unzips a waterproof pocket and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Oh, that's good!"
Then the woman asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink?"
Trembling, the man says, "Ten long years!"
The woman unzips her water proof pocket on her left sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. The man takes a long swig and says, "Man, that's sweet!"
The woman then starts slowly unzipping the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
The man, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet mother of God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
Kid's Prayers
==============
I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the
Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would
repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she
carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the
prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us some E-mail.
Amen."
**************************
One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up"
during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to
maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the
battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked
sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one
called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
**************************
And one particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive
those who put trash in our baskets."
**************************
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me
a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
**************************
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were
on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
**************************
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike
cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and
nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew
leaned toward her mother and whispered,
"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
**************************
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel, were
sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out
loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
**************************
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my
brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
**************************
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year
old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the
shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
**************************
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor,
"When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've
ever had."
***************************
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and
said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
***************************
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if
anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
****************************
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the
kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was
ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded,
"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"
****************************
"Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name...."
****************************
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human, because even though it was a very large mammal
its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
borrowed from: http://www.mountainwings.com a free daily email service giving "wings over the moutains of life"
Prints in the Sand
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there were seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?
Those prints are large and round and neat,
But, Lord, they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in sombre tones,
"for miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."
A DETECTIVE STORY
SO PAY CLOSE ATTENTION:
Three elderly ladies are excited about their first Yankees baseball
game. They smuggled a bottle of Jack Daniels into the game. The
game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves drinking Jack
Daniels mixed with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle of Jack
Daniels is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Using the clues given, what inning is the game in and what is the
status of the game?
Think!
Think some more!
You're gonna love it ........
And the Answer is:
It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!
SMART ROOSTER
My uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when
I was young. He had several hundred young layers,
called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to
fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any
rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into
the pot and was replaced.
Now this took an awful lot of time. So my uncle got a
set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report by listening to the bells.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very
fine specimen he was, but his bell had not rung all
morning. Uncle John went to investigate. Several
roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing.
Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to
the next one.
Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the
county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The
judges not only awarded him the No Bell Prize, but
also the Pullet Surprise.
Geography
You're on the West Coast when . . .
* You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy your own house.
* The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
* The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
* You know how to eat an artichoke.
* You drive to your neighborhood block party.
================================
You're in New York when . . .
* You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
* You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
* You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
* You think Central Park is "nature."
* You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
* You've ever worn out a car horn.
* You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
=================================
You're in Alaska when . . .
* You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
* Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
* You have more than one recipe for moose.
* Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
* The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
=================================
You're in the South when . . .
* You get a movie and bait in the same store.
* "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
* after a year you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
* "he needed killin' " is a valid defense.
=================================
You're in Colorado when . . .
* You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
* You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care.
* A pass does not involve a football or dating.
* The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
* Your bridal registry is at REI.
===============================
You're in the Midwest when . . .
* You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
* Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
* You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
* You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall, I wanna go with."
* Your first job was detasseling.
* When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different."
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TOP 10 "HE SAID - SHE SAID"
10) He said..."I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
She said..."You wear briefs, don't you?"
9) She said..."What do you mean by coming home half drunk?"
He said..."It's not my fault...I ran out of money."
8) He said..."Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way."
She said..."Well, you succeeded."
7) He said..."Two inches more, and I would be king."
She said..."Two inches less, and you'd be queen"
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
5) He said..."Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea....you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and drink beer."
4) Priest said..."I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband."
She said..."Who's gonna look?"
3) He said..."What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?"
She said..."Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
2) He said..."Let's go out and have some fun tonight."
She said..."Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."
AND THE NUMBER 1 "He said...She said"..
1) He said..."Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She said..."I would, but you're never there."
Po Folks
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One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a
trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how
poor people can be.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would
be considered a very poor family. On their return from their
trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.
"Oh Yeah" said the son.
"So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father proudly.
The son answered:
I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden
and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden
and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard
and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on
and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us,
they have friends to protect them."
With this the boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added,
"Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."
Too many times we forget what we have
and concentrate on what we don't have.
What is one's persons worthless object
is another's prize possession.
It is all based on one's perspective.
Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for all
the bounty we have instead of worrying about wanting more.
Take joy in what you have and see the treasure in it.
Author Unknown
borrowed from:
Prepare to Fly - Let MountainWings.com help lift you over the Mountains of Life
http://www.mountainwings.com/