Replies to post #8309 on The Confessional

[teapeebubbles]

that's not a kodak moment is it? :(

[DonLeopoldo]

IYXI's share structure is some 55 to 60 million O/S.

There are several insiders with shares, as far as I remember. And now we have Deutsche Bank with 6M+ shares.

I don't have the share structure at hand, right now, but if you pass it to me, I'll gladly post it inside the iBox.

[teapeebubbles]

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness
with a Hell's Angel Biker?

A: Someone who comes to your door on Sunday and tells
*YOU* to f¤%k off!

[teapeebubbles]

A woman says to her mother. "I'm divorcing Sheldon! All
he wants is anal sex and my rear end is now the size of
a fifty cent piece when it used to be the size of a five
cent piece."

Mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire
businessman You live in a 8 bedroom mansion,you drive
a Ferrari, you get $3,000 a week allowance. you take 6
vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for
45 cents."

[teapeebubbles]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone
in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong
to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one
which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am
embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I
want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness
from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the
nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember,
you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel
glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again
all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body
that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her
head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a
wizard under the sheets."

[teapeebubbles]

If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want
it so badly?

[teapeebubbles]

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race
appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve
and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same
question. The father answered, "Many years ago there
were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human
race was created by God, and Papa said they developed
from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I
told you about my side of the family and your father
told you about his."

[teapeebubbles]

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish country-
side except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally
died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying,

"Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying
a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services
for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what,
there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no
telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do some-
thing for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you
think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog
was Catholic."

[teapeebubbles]

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+-year-
old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

[teapeebubbles]

Did you hear the one about the two men who crashed in
their private plane onto a South Pacific island? They
both survived.

One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded
to run all over the island in order to determine their
chances for survival.

After a thorough search of the island he rushed up to
the other man and declared, "This island is uninhabited,
there is no food, there is no water. We are going to
die!"

The other man comfortably leaned against the fuselage
of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded,
"I make $100,000 per week." And then was quiet.

The first man, realizing his friend must not understand
declared again with strong conviction, "Listen, we are
on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water.
We are going to die!"

The other man, unruffled, again responded. "Listen, I
make $100,000 per week."

Mystified, the first man, taken aback, but unwilling to
be satisfied with such an answer again repeated, "I'm
telling you we ARE going to die. There is no one else
on this island. There is No food. There is NO water. We
are, I repeat, we ARE going to die."

Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the
eyes and said, "Don't make me say this again. I make
$100,000 per week. I pay a 10% tithe. My pastor WILL
find us!"

[teapeebubbles]

Adolescence is a period of rapid changes.

Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent
ages as much as 20 years.

[teapeebubbles]

You Know You're An Old Catholic If

- You still think the secret problem of priests is
alcoholism.

- You remember when Nuns wore habits.

- You think "No meat on Fridays" has nothing to do
with oral sex.

- You remember the days of alter boys instead of
altered boys.

- You think "Mother Superior" is more than a term of
hooker endearment.

- You think the primacy of Peter had nothing to do
Lorena Bobbit.

- You answer "yes" to both: "Does a bear eat in the
woods?," and "Is the Pope Italian?"

- You remember the days when confessions did not start
out with: "You have the right to remain silent."

- You remember when a red sash around a priest's waist
did not mean he was gay.

- You think a man dressed in black was not a member of
the SWAT team.

- You remember when kneelers were in church, not in the
Oval Office.

- You remember when Cardinals were birds of pray, not
prey.

- You remember when Holy Water was not from golden
showers.

- You remember the days before Bingo was made a
sacrament.

- You remember when "Love one another" did not mean
"Orgy Time!"

- You remember when Amazing Grace was not the name of
every tenth stripper.

- You remember when "Father" was a religious title, not
the results of a court-ordered DNA test.

- You remember when "Mother" was also a religious title,
not the first name of really bad people .

- You remember when I could get out of this joke by
saying three "Hail Mary's."

[teapeebubbles]

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire bible.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are
teaching them.

Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I
think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't
embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven
from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because
they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one
of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would
have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot
roast. Jacob had a son named, Joseph, who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs,
mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them
His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance,

or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first bible guy to use
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named, Solomon, who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very
wise to me.

After Solomon, there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was
Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to
worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been

born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,
'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?'

It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Democrats. My favorite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas
was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius
the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went
up to heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is
foretold in the book of Revolution.