Replies to post #76647 on Rants and Raves

[teapeebubbles]

lololol

[teapeebubbles]

A man came back to the used-car dealer who'd sold him
the car allegedly driven only by a little old lady. The
salesman was concerned and asked, "Is there anything
wrong?"

The customer said, "No, I just want to return some of
the things the little old lady left under the seat....
this chewing tobacco and a fifth of whiskey!"

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A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive,expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

He points out that the man does Look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but
Please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; The suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.



So I switched the heads."

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The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called
a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particu-
larly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss,
who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt
out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick
contest.

The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule
was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally
written for other products that captured the essence of
Viagra.

Slight variations were acceptable. About seven minutes
later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top
Ten List.

With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the
week went very well for everyone.

The top ten were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there
overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.

[teapeebubbles]

Read only when uncontrollable laughter will not cause significant impact.
>
>
> ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS
>
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
> A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket
> Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol
> & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion
> was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
> little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
> across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
> The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
> lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
> safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and
> brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in
> the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
> disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
> the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal
> surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
> electricity darting back and forth between the
> prongs.
>
> Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to
> explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face
> of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with
> this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be
> all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,
> right?!!!
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
> looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I
> was reading the directions and thinking that I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
> blood moving target. I must admit I thought about
> zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
> if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
> protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
> assurance that it would work as advertised.
> Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
> top with my reading glasses perched delicately on
> the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
> taser in another. The directions said that a
> one-second burst would shock and disorient your
> assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
> muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
> three-second burst would purportedly make your
> assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
> wasting the batteries.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little
> device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch
> in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded
> with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to
> myself, "no possible way!"
>
> What happened next is almost beyond
> description, but I'll do my best...
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
> with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't
> do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
> from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
> that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second
> burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs
> to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
> MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
> (&# %&) (# %) (&#*#*)!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through
> the side door, picked me up in the recliner and then
> body slammed us both on the carpet over and over and
> over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
> the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
> soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
> to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
> in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The
> cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
> before, licking my face, undoubtedly
> thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug"
> yourself with a taser, one note of caution:
> THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND BURST
> when you zap yourself!!!
> You will not let go of that thing until it
> is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
> about on the floor. A three second burst would be
> considered conservative.
>
> That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later
> (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
> collected my wits (what little I had left),
> sat up and surveyed the landscape.
> My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
> How did they up get there???
>
> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
> still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
> up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
> I'm still looking for my testicles and offering a
> significant reward for their safe return.

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Texas Rancher was selling his peaches door to door. He
knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed
in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised
his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you
like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,
"Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little
tear ran from his eye Then she pulled the other side of
her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like
this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the
other eye.

Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and
asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. The lady
asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn,
the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn
and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

[teapeebubbles]

Vitamins are good for what ails you; VIAGRA is good for
what FAILS you!!

[teapeebubbles]

A man was selling his brand-new luxury car for ten dollars.
A woman answered the ad, but she was slightly disbelieving.
"Ten bucks?!? What's the gimmick?" she inquired.

"No gimmick," the man answered. "My wife died, and in her
will she asked that the car be sold and that all the money
go to the mailman."