Rants and Raves

[teapeebubbles]

Read only when uncontrollable laughter will not cause significant impact.
>
>
> ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS
>
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
> A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket
> Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol
> & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion
> was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
> little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
> across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
> The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
> lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
> safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and
> brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in
> the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
> disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
> the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal
> surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
> electricity darting back and forth between the
> prongs.
>
> Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to
> explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face
> of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with
> this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be
> all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,
> right?!!!
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
> looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I
> was reading the directions and thinking that I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
> blood moving target. I must admit I thought about
> zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
> if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
> protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
> assurance that it would work as advertised.
> Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
> top with my reading glasses perched delicately on
> the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
> taser in another. The directions said that a
> one-second burst would shock and disorient your
> assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
> muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
> three-second burst would purportedly make your
> assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
> wasting the batteries.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little
> device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch
> in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded
> with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to
> myself, "no possible way!"
>
> What happened next is almost beyond
> description, but I'll do my best...
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
> with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't
> do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
> from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
> that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second
> burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs
> to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
> MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
> (&# %&) (# %) (&#*#*)!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through
> the side door, picked me up in the recliner and then
> body slammed us both on the carpet over and over and
> over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
> the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
> soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
> to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
> in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The
> cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
> before, licking my face, undoubtedly
> thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug"
> yourself with a taser, one note of caution:
> THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND BURST
> when you zap yourself!!!
> You will not let go of that thing until it
> is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
> about on the floor. A three second burst would be
> considered conservative.
>
> That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later
> (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
> collected my wits (what little I had left),
> sat up and surveyed the landscape.
> My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
> How did they up get there???
>
> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
> still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
> up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
> I'm still looking for my testicles and offering a
> significant reward for their safe return.