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WHAT WOMEN WANT!
====================
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of
a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but
was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered
him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult
question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man,
and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But since it
was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to
have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody:
the princess, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.
He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory
answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, only
she would know the answer.
The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative
but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question,
but he'd have to accept her price first:
The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous,
had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises,
etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure
such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to
Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered
Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth
and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total
freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had!
Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper
as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst
manners on display, and generally made everyone very
uncomfortable.
The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight
awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before
him!
The astounded Gawain asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when
she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible,
deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be
her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during
the night?
What a cruel question!
Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful
woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy
of his home, an old witch?
Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a
beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read it until you've
made your own choice.
Make YOUR choice BEFORE you read Gawain's answer!
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all
the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in
charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
The moral is:
If your woman doesn't get her own way,
things are going to get ugly
Author Unknown
( borrowed from http://www.mountainwings.com/ . Mountain Wings, a free daily email helping get you over the mountains of life. )
Date Application
==============
You have seen them...
the "young men", "love of my life"...your daughters bring home?
Well, now it's time to cover yourselves and protect your
daughters' well being. Although it's meant in pure fun...
many of you MAY want to take it serious. Have fun with it.
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history,
lineage and medical report from your doctor.
Name:________________________Nickname/Alias:____________________
Date Of Birth:____/____/____
Height:______
Weight:______
I.Q.:______
G.P.A.:________
Soc. Sec.#______-___-_______
Driver's License#____________________
Boy Scout Rank:_____________Good Standing: Yes_____No_____
Home Address:__________________________________
City/State/Zip_________________________________
Home Phone#: (___)___________
Cell Phone#:_______________
Pager#:__________
Do you own
a. Van?____
b. Truck with oversized tires?____
c. Car with a trunk full of speakers?_____
Do you have any of the following:
a. An earring_____
b. nose ring______
c. belly button ring_____
or piercings on any other body parts_____
Explain:__________________________________________________
Tattoo?______
(If you answered YES to any of the above questions, discontinue
and leave the premises immediately.)
In 30 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
In 30 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to
you?
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Church you attend_____________________
How often______________________
Best time to interview your pastor?_______________________
Fill In The Blank. Please answer freely, all answers will be
confidential.
a. If I were beaten, the last bone I want to be broken is:
________________________________________________________
b. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is
________________________________________________________
c. Now answer the question you filled in on B
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
NOTE: If you have answered any of the previous questions
dishonestly (and I will find out), discontinue application.
It is advised that you leave the premises quickly keeping your
head low and running in serpentine fashion.
I swear that all information provided above is true and correct
to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death,
dismemberment, electrocution, and/or hot pokers.
_______________________________________
Signature (This means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 YEARS for
processing. If your application is approved, you will be
contacted in writing. Please do not call or write, this could
cause you unexpected injury.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two men
wearing white ties and answering to the names GUIDO and LOUIE.
( borrowed from http://www.mountainwings.com/ )
PLINK-PLINK-PLINK
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning
and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the
water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh"
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning
there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with
me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
~~~~~
~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~
~~~
(I'm warning you.....)
~~~~~~
~~~~
(Still not too late......!)
~~~~~~~
~~~~~
~~~
"You're simply going through the change."
Easter Bunny
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished.He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SOUTH DAKOTA (ORIGINALLY) IF:
1. The first, and perhaps only celebrity you've ever met is Captain 11.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting on I-90 for the "follow
me" car to come back during road construction.
3. "Vacation" means stopping off at Wall Drug for Friday night dinner and
a drive through the Badlands early Saturday morning, with the rest of the
weekend driving through the Black Hills before heading home for Sunday
night chores.
4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
5. You measure distance in minutes and hours.
6. You know several people who have walked to school uphill in knee-deep
snow in a blizzard....and they weren't lying.
7. Your school classes were canceled because of cold. And cold means 20
below zero.
8. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
9. People ride the schoo l bus for an hour each way.
10. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
11. Everyone's parents knew everyone else's parents and grandparents.
12. You know what's 'knee-high' by the Fourth of July.
13. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks. It's not soda, it's pop.
14. You know not only 'what' but 'where' Sturgis is. And, your first big
trip in life was to see Mt. Rushmore and visit the Flintstone's Bedrock City
in Custer.
15. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in
it no matter what time of the year.
16. "You betcha," and "You guys." Need we say more.
17. All the festivals across the state and a major attraction are named
after a vegetable, grain or animal. i.e. Corn Palace.
18. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
19. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, Beer, and red
Jell-o with marshmallows (and maybe those little fruit pieces).
20. Everyone carries jumper cables in their car.
21. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
22. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
23. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
24. Driving is better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
25. You think everyone from out of state has an accent.
26. A big shopping trip is going to Sioux Falls - Great Plains Mall.
Minneapolis, if you are really living.
27. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one
page, but requires 6 pages for area sports. You know who won the
State "A" basketball championships for years back - girls and boys.
28. You consider deer season and pheasant season national holidays.
29. You know which leaves make good toilet paper while camping and
hunting.
30. You know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, Hotter than Hell, and
winter again.
31. There is a McDonald's in every town with a population of 1,000 or
more. Over 1,000, there is a McDonald's on each end of town.
32. Eight-foot tall snow piles divide the lane down the middle of Main
Street from November through March.
33. Pop is a Coke and soda involves ice cream and root beer.
34. You plug your car in at night, but it's not to charge the batteries.
35. You could always count on the local truck stop or The Happy Chef for
the best breakfast in town.
36. Aside from pheasants, mosquitos are the state bird.
37. You actually GET these jokes and forward them to all your friends from
South Dakota and to a few friends who APPRECIATE SOUTH DAKOTANS!
Lessons from Children
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
For those who will probably never have children this is too funny not to pass along to those above.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas: Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with
rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it .
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheel-barrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' "
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...Holy smoke, A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Drinking One Too Many
How will you know when you've had one too many? Here's a handy guide. Print out and save in your wallet.
Things that are difficult to say after you've had too much to drink:
Proliferation, Innovative, Indubitably.
Things that are VERY difficult to say after you've had too much to drink:
Specificity, Passive-aggressive disorder, Loquacious Transubstantiate
Things that are virtually impossible to say after you've had too much to drink:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the comer of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought......Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell....The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".....
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." ....He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door".............
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup,then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.....
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
AMERICAN PATRIOT REGISTRATION
http://www.whitehouse.org/initiatives/patriot/index.asp
Cute, Bob
What I have experienced in life is that those who are fools in
April usually do an excellent job of being fools the other
eleven months of the year.
Site change had to take a lot of work,eh. Very well done.
PappaJohn
'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003
By CHAD KULTGEN
NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!
Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.
"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.
"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.
"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."
The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.
"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.
When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.
Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.
"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."
In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.
All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."
However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."
Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."
Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.
http://tv.yahoo.com/news/wwn/20030319/104808600007.html
Most curious, eh? Oh, to have such 20-20 hindsight!
Useful Conversions
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 pains: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
454 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 milliliters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
100 Senators: Not 1 decision
Iraq - Let the Old Guys go
If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those
responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and
Washington, D.C.
But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the
whole thing backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old
guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only
think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a
dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into
submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until
you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the
other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a
jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for
the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early
(to pee).
If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably
forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a
real brain teaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting
screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed
a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than
naps. They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in
combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side
nor did I ever do any pushups after training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant
now, "Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a
waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to
shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To wear pants without the top of
the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out. To learn that a
pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the
back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to
keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about life before sending
them off to a possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten cowards who attacked our
hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now
is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
(Author Unknown)
Submitted with the utmost respect for our men and women of the Armed Forces.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge
me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus
Definition Of A Bad Day
A depressed guy is sitting at the bar staring into his drink when a macho guy struts up, grabs the drink and downs it in one swallow.
As the depressed fellow starts crying, the macho man reconsiders what he just did.
"I'm sorry, fellow. I was just teasing you. Tell you what, I'll buy you another drink, a double."
The depressed guy doesn't even look up. "This is the worst day of my life," he whines. "I can't do anything right. I overslept this morning and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. I got to the parking lot and found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I took a cab home and after the cab left, I discovered I had left my wallet in it. Then I went inside and I found my wife in bed with my best friend. So I came to this bar and was going to end my life and you show up and drink my poison."
Environmental Solutions Worldwide, Inc.: Ships Clean Cat School Bus Catalyst/Mufflers to Washington State
Tuesday March 11, 8:45 am ET
TELFORD, Pa.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--March 11, 2003--Environmental Solutions Worldwide, Inc. (ESW) (OTCBB:ESWW - News), is pleased to announce that the Company has shipped catalyst/muffler units to the Bellingham Washington School district. The units were purchased by Georgia-Pacific for retrofit on Bellingham School District buses in support of a local Clean Air program for particulate matter mitigation.
The rear-engine diesel powered school buses are having their original OEM mufflers replaced with a direct fit catalyst/muffler system. The catalyst/mufflers are comprised of ESW's proprietary metallic DOC (diesel oxidation catalyst) substrates, which are integrated by Fleetguard Inc into their Nelson OEM exhaust muffler housings. Nelson was the muffler manufacturer for these buses when they were originally built.
On February 13, 2003, Congress passed the Omnibus Spending Bill for FY 2003. If signed into Law by President Bush, this bill will provide a total of $5 million in matching funds to school districts across the nation to begin retrofitting diesel powered school buses with emissions control equipment. Currently in North America there are in excess of 500,000 diesel engine powered school buses that are in need of emission reductions technologies.
Chip Hilarides, Field Services Manager, Environmental Affairs, Georgia-Pacific Corporation (NYSE: GP - News) commented, "Georgia-Pacific is proud to have conceived this project to help the community and our school children by reducing the pollutant emissions from these diesel school buses. The ESW products are a good fit with our project and these older Bellingham school buses."
John Donohoe, the company's Chairman, Chief Executive Officer and President commented, "Although this was a nominal first order, this was a unique project which involved a direct fit application of a finished product that had to fit existing spatial constraints in order to function. A separate catalytic converter and muffler would not work. Our proprietary metallic substrate continues to meet these extreme challenges with overwhelming success. Round, oval or square, we believe our substrates are setting a new standard in versatility and adaptability unavailable in conventional ceramic and foil technologies."
Dave Johnson, Senior Vice President of Sales of ESW remarked, "The level two diesel engine emissions market is exactly the division in the transportation sector we want to service. Our high performance metallic DOC substrates ability to reduce PM-10 (Particulate) on average by +55% puts us in a category that is virtually wide open to potential sales. ESW seeks to bring a high performance emissions solution to the sectors of the transportation market that need these reductions to become and remain compliant."
About Environmental Solutions Worldwide Inc.
With headquarters in Telford, Pennsylvania Environmental Solutions Worldwide is a publicly traded company engaged through its subsidiaries in the design, development, manufacture and sale of environmental technologies currently focused on the international automotive and transportation industries. ESW manufactures and markets a line of catalytic emission control products and catalytic conversion technologies for a multitude of applications.
For updated information, please visit the Company's Web site at: www.cleanerfuture.com.
About Georgia-Pacific Corp
(NYSE: GP - News) Headquartered at Atlanta, Georgia-Pacific is one of the world's leading manufacturers of tissue, packaging, paper, building products, pulp and related chemicals. With 2002 annual sales of more than $23 billion, the company employs approximately 65,000 people at 400 locations in North America and Europe. Its familiar consumer tissue brands include Quilted Northern®, Angel Soft®, Brawny®, Sparkle®, Soft 'n Gentle®, Mardi Gras®, So-Dri®, Green Forest® and Vanity Fair®, as well as the Dixie® brand of disposable cups, plates and cutlery. Georgia-Pacific's building products distribution segment has long been among the nation's leading wholesale suppliers of building products to lumber and building materials dealers and large do-it-yourself warehouse retailers. For more information, visit www.gp.com.
About Fleetguard Inc
Fleetguard Inc., headquartered in Nashville, Tenn., is a wholly owned subsidiary of Cummins Inc. and is the world's leading manufacturer and specialist of filtration and exhaust products and systems for diesel engines (.9-7000 horsepower). Fleetguard's home page on the Internet can be found at www.fleetguard.com.
Safe Harbor
This news release contains forward-looking statements within the meaning of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995 (The "Act"). In particular, when used in the preceding discussion, the words "pleased" "plan," "confident that," "believe," "expect," or "intend to," and similar conditional expressions are intended to identify forward looking statements within the meaning of the Act and are subject to the safe harbor created by the Act. Such statements are subject to certain risks and uncertainties and actual results could differ materially from those expressed in any of the forward-looking statements. Such risks and uncertainties include, but are not limited to, market conditions, general acceptance of the Company's products and technologies, competitive factors, the ability to successfully complete additional financings and other risks described in the Company's SEC reports and filings.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contact:
Environmental Solutions Worldwide, Inc.
David Johnson, 905/850-9970
djohnson@cleanerfuture.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Source: Environmental Solutions Worldwide, Inc.
http://biz.yahoo.com/bw/030311/115281_1.html
DINNER CONVERSATION
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: Shit
Grenade-Proof Cars in Demand as Insecurity Grows
Wed March 5, 2003 11:31 AM ET
By Nick Tattersall
GENEVA (Reuters) - A looming war in Iraq is bad news for most automakers -- unless the car you are trying to sell can withstand armor-piercing bullets, grenade blasts and gas attacks.
In a sealed room at the back of BMW's stand at the Geneva auto show, potential buyers are shown around what looks like a standard 7-series executive saloon, distinguishable only to the trained eye by its toughened glass and wider tires.
The car is the latest offering in the exclusive but growing high security market, whose customers are mostly government officials, high-ranking industrialists and pop stars.
German security officials have rated the car "B6/B7," meaning the vehicle can withstand fire from weapons as powerful as an M16 or Kalashnikov AK47 rifle.
"The ballistic testing is done by the state ballistics department, and then the German Federal Crime Office do their own tests," Michael Gallmann, head of international sales for BMW security cars, told Reuters in an interview.
As the sound of a 7-series being shaken but not destroyed by a 15 kilogram bomb emanates from a television set across the room, Gallmann explains that the car can travel at 80 kph (50 mph) if its tires are burst by rifle fire, and withstand the detonation of two hand grenades under the driver and rear passenger seats.
Drivers of a particularly nervous disposition can start the engine by remote control before they get in to ensure no explosives are wired up to the ignition, while in the event of a tear gas attack the cabin is hermetically sealed and its passengers supplied with oxygen.
GROWING MARKET
Industry executives say the market for B6/B7-graded cars is probably less than 500 vehicles a year, although as the survival of many of its customers depends on discretion, it is a segment shrouded in secrecy, with no official sales figures.
BMW has been producing high security cars for over 30 years, but rival Mercedes, a unit of DaimlerChrysler which builds a B6/B7-graded version of its S-Class saloon, can boast of being one of the first to armor plate its cars.
"We started making armored cars in the 1920s. Our first customer was Emperor Hirohito of Japan," said Roland Folger, head of the "Mercedes-Benz Guard" armored vehicle division.
He said the biggest markets for the cars were Brazil, Mexico, Russia and western European governments.
Britain's Land Rover, now a member of Ford's Premier Automotive Group (PAG) which has long supplied armies around the world with beefed-up versions of its Defender off-roader, recently launched a B6-level spin-off of its luxury Range Rover.
"PAG has decided this is a market we are going to get into properly," said Nick Youdan, global armored vehicle sales manager for Land Rover and fellow PAG brand Jaguar. "It's a market that has been dominated by BMW and Mercedes in recent years."
Land Rover is aiming to sell between 30 and 50 B6 Range Rovers this year and is working on a B7 version.
The sense of security from being sealed in a grenade-proof shell does not come cheap.
A basic B6 Range Rover comes with a price tag of 165,000 pounds ($263,100), while Mercedes will relieve you of around an extra 300,000 euros ($329,000) on top of the list price to equip an S-Class to B6/B7 standard.
BMW and Mercedes also offer B4 versions of their smaller saloons, designed to withstand caliber .44 magnum revolver ammunition.
"It's not that there's a massive panic but the world isn't getting any safer," Youdan said, adding that Jaguar too would soon be launching a B6 version of its new XJ saloon. ($1=.6271 Pound) ($1=.9119 Euro)
http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=topNews&storyID=2330775
Singing In Church
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach."
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.
The pastor shouted out, "Cross."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out "Grace."
The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "Power."
The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said "Sex."
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
The Philosophy professor
A philosophy professor stood before his class with
some items on the table in front of him. When the
class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large
and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it
with rocks, about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They
agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up
a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He
shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled
into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was
full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it
into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything
else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous "Yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from
under the table and proceeded to pour their entire
contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty
space between the sand. The students laughed.
Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents
your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family,
your partner, your health, your children - things that
if everything else was lost and only they remained,
your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter - like
your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything
else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued
"there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same
goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things
that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the
house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the
beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to
show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's
always room for a couple of beers."
Hospitalized
A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen
mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge
his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles
black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little
distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She
whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers,
had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again,
"Are my test results back???"
An Exercise in Conversion
When Ole quit farming and moved into town, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing beef every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them.
Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole. 'Ole,' they said, 'since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there's not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic.'
Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it.
The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, 'Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now...' he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, 'now you are a Catholic!'
Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak:
You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, and NOW you are a FISH!
Aunt Marge
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to
share?"
"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. So she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
UK's Daily Mirror
No matter what your views on President Bush's statement of upcoming war,
this, from an English journalist, is very interesting. Just a word of
background for those of you who aren't familiar with the UK's Daily Mirror.
This is a notoriously left-wing daily that is normally not supportive of the
Colonials across the Atlantic.
SHAME ON YOU AMERICAN-HATING LIBERALS
Tony Parsons ... Daily Mirror ... September 11, 2002
One year ago, the world witnessed a unique kind of broadcasting -- the mass
murder of thousands, live on television. As a lesson in the pitiless cruelty
of the human race, September 11 was up there with Pol Pot's Mountain of
Skulls in Cambodia, or the skeletal bodies stacked like garbage in the Nazi
concentration camps.
An unspeakable act so cruel, so calculated and so utterly merciless that
surely the world could agree on one thing - nobody deserves this fate.
Surely there could be consensus: The victims were truly innocent, the
perpetrators truly evil.
But to the world's eternal shame, 9/11 is increasingly seen as America's
comeuppance. Incredibly, anti-Americanism has increased over the last year.
There has always been a simmering resentment to the USA in this country; too
loud, too rich, too full of themselves, and so much happier than Europeans
-- but it has become an epidemic. And it seems incredible to me. More than
that, it turns my stomach.
America is this country's greatest friend and our staunchest ally. We are
bonded to the US by culture, language and blood. A little over half a
century ago, around half a million Americans died for our freedoms, as well
as their own. Have we forgotten so soon? And exactly a year ago, thousands
of ordinary men, women and children -- not just Americans, but from dozens
of countries -- were butchered by a small group of religious fanatics. Are
we so quick to betray them?
What touched the heart about those who died in the Twin Towers and on the
planes, was that we recognized them. Young fathers and mothers, somebody's
son and somebody's daughter, husbands, wives, and children, some unborn.
And these people brought it on themselves? Their nation is to blame for
their meticulously planned slaughter?
These days you don't have to be some dust-encrusted nut job in Kabul or
Karachi or Finsbury Park to see America as the Great Satan. The
anti-American alliance is made up of self-loathing liberals who blame the
Americans for every ill in the Third World, and conservatives suffering from
power-envy, bitter that the world's only superpower can do what it likes
without having to ask permission.
The truth is that America has behaved with enormous restraint since
September 11.
Remember ... remember ... remember ... the gut-wrenching tapes of weeping
men phoning their wives to say, "I love you," before they were burned alive.
Remember those people leaping to their deaths from the top of burning
skyscrapers. Remember the hundreds of firemen buried alive.
Remember the smiling face of that beautiful little girl who was on one of
the planes with her mum.
Remember ... remember ...
And realize that America has never retaliated for 9/11 in anything like the
way it could have.
So a few al-Qaeda tourists got locked up without a trial in Camp X-ray? Pass
the Kleenex ...
So some Afghan wedding receptions were shot up after they merrily fired
their semi-automatics in a sky full of American planes? A shame, but maybe
next time they should stick to confetti.
AMERICA could have turned a large chunk of the world into a parking lot.
That it didn't is a sign of strength. American voices are already being
raised against attacking Iraq -- that's what a democracy is for. How many in
the Islamic world will have a minute's silence for the slaughtered innocents
of 9/11? How many Islamic leaders will have the guts to say that the mass
murder of 9/11 was an abomination?
When the news of 9/11 broke on the West Bank, those freedom-loving
Palestinians were dancing in the street. America watched all of that -- and
didn't push the button. We should thank the stars that America is the most
powerful nation in the world. I still find it incredible that 9/11 did not
provoke all-out war. Not a "war on terrorism." A real war.
The fundamentalist dudes are talking about "opening the gates of hell" if
America attacks Iraq. Well, America could have opened the gates of hell like
you wouldn't believe.
The US is the most militarily powerful nation that ever strode the face of
the earth. The campaign in Afghanistan may have been less than perfect and
the planned war on Iraq may be misconceived.
But don't blame America for not bringing peace and light to these wretched
countries. How many democracies are there in the Middle East, or in the
Muslim world? You can count them on the fingers of one hand -- assuming you
haven't had any chopped off for minor shoplifting.
I love America, yet America is hated. I guess that makes me Bush's poodle.
But I would rather be a dog in New York City than a Prince in Riyadh. Above
all, America is hated because it is what every country wants to be -- rich,
free, strong, open, optimistic. Not ground down by the past, or religion, or
some caste system. America is the best friend this country ever had and we
should start remembering that.
Or do you really think the USA is the root of all evil? Tell it to the loved
ones of the men and women who leaped to their death from the burning towers.
Tell it to the nursing mothers whose husbands died on one of the hijacked
planes, or were ripped apart in a collapsing skyscraper. And tell it to the
hundreds of young widows whose husbands worked for the New York Fire
Department.
To our shame, George Bush gets a worse press than Saddam Hussein. Once we
were told that Saddam gassed the Kurds, tortured his own people and set up
rape-camps in Kuwait. Now we are told he likes Quality Street. Save me the
orange center, Oh Mighty One!
Remember ... remember ... September 11. One of the greatest atrocities in
human history was committed against America.
No, do more than remember. Never forget.
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/allnews/page.cfm?objectid=12188969&method=full&siteid=50143
Catalyst Products Certified for PIREC Vehicle Emissions Program by Mexico Government
TELFORD, Pa.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Feb. 10, 2003--Environmental Solutions Worldwide Inc. (ESW)(OTC Bulletin Board:ESWW - News), announced today that its Enviro Cat(TM) gas/petrol catalytic converter substrates have been certified by the federal and state government of Mexico allowing for their usage in the vehicle emissions control program referred to as PIREC (Program of Integral Reduction of Emissions or Contaminants). The PIREC Program represents Mexico's largest and most aggressive program to date aimed at reducing the airborne pollution generated by the millions of vehicles in Mexico City and Mexico State by the application of catalytic converters.
ESW originally approached the Mexico market through a business relationship with Nissho Iwai Canada, Ltd. providing them with a finished catalytic converter product. However, the Company has moved to a more direct marketing and sales arrangement with White Cat Environmental Systems, S.A. de C.V. of Mexico. In addition, the finished catalytic converters are now being canned and assembled in Mexico by the OEM muffler and converter manufacturer Peasa (Productos Especializados de Acero, S.A. de C.V.) who has an established working relationship with White Cat.
Peasa, working closely with White Cat Environmental Systems was successful in achieving certification on four specific ESW Enviro Cat(TM) gas/petrol catalytic converter substrates. These substrates are being canned by Peasa for vehicle applications with engines ranging from 1.7 to 5.9 liters in size. With this certification, ESW has become the first substrate manufacturer to qualify a Stainless Steel catalyzed substrate into the PIREC program. The final Certification was granted in January, 2003.
On January 31, 2003, Dave Johnson, Senior VP of Sales and Rob Marino, Director of Product Development from ESW attended a Mexico DF and State product launching ceremony in Mexico City hosted by Peasa and White Cat to introduce the PIREC certified converters using the Enviro Cat(TM) substrates to the major catalytic converter distributors and installation companies involved in the program.
Mr. John Donohoe, ESW's CEO, President and Chairman commented, "We believe that this certification represents a major milestone achievement for ESW's catalytic products and programs and further validates the acceptance of the Company's proprietary substrate designs and performance. ESW's catalytic converter substrates were tested successfully at length in Mexican Federal Government emissions labs and met all the emissions reductions requirements for full participation in PIREC."
Mr. John Donohoe further remarked "This has been a long and arduous program with ESW's substrates surpassing many hurdles that any new product would face in achieving this level of government acceptance. Our partner in Mexico, White Cat has established a solid distribution infrastructure over the past year while waiting for the final approval and we are anticipating only positive results as they are now able to aggressively market and sell the ESW's catalytic substrates canned by Peasa into the PIREC program."
About Environmental Solutions Worldwide Inc.
With headquarters in Telford, Pennsylvania Environmental Solutions Worldwide is a publicly traded research and development company engaged through its subsidiaries in the design, development, manufacture and sale of environmental technologies currently focused on the international automotive and transportation industries. ESW manufactures and markets a line of catalytic emission control products and catalytic conversion technologies for a multitude of applications.
For updated information, please visit the Company's Web site at: www.cleanerfuture.com.
About White Cat Environmental Systems, S.A. de C.V.
Juan Carlos Flores, General Director of White Cat Environmental Systems, has over 15 years of experience in the market of catalytic converters in the emissions reduction field. Mr. Carlos has collaborated and advised several companies with his knowledge and technical experience. Mr. Carlos has had an important part in the design and development of programs such as the PIREC. Presently White Cat, represented by Juan Carlos Flores is member of the technical committee of the Secretary of the Environment and Natural Resource of the Federal Government, charged with the responsibility of evaluating the Norma 045-ECOL-2002, for Diesel powered vehicles in circulation.
About Peasa (Productos Especializados de Acero, S.A. de C.V)
Peasa located in Mexico, began its operations with the production of steel tubes and later diversified toward the automotive industry and high precision steel tubes. Currently Peasa uses their own technology in order to manufacture a wide range of steel tubes, exhaust systems, catalytic converters and light stamping process. Peasa has more than 14 years of experience as a muffler, catalyst manufacture and supplier to original equipment manufacture (OEM) and Tier 1 companies such as Nissan, Visteon (Ford), Isuzu and Calsonic. The company's main automotive business is high volume OEM muffler and catalyst production adhering to strict QS-9000 standards.
Please visit the Company's Web site at: http://www.peasa.com.mx.
Safe Harbor
This news release contains forward-looking statements within the meaning of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995 (The "Act"). In particular, when used in the preceding discussion, the words "pleased" "plan," "confident that," "believe," "expect," or "intend to," and similar conditional expressions are intended to identify forward looking statements within the meaning of the Act and are subject to the safe harbor created by the Act. Such statements are subject to certain risks and uncertainties and actual results could differ materially from those expressed in any of the forward-looking statements. Such risks and uncertainties include, but are not limited to, market conditions, general acceptance of the Company's products and technologies, competitive factors, the ability to successfully complete additional financings and other risks described in the Company's SEC reports and filings.
Contact:
Environmental Solutions Worldwide Inc.
David Johnson, 905/850-9970
http://cleanerfuture.com/pressreleases.htm#
The Limp Parrot
A woman brought a very limp parrot into the veterinarian.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away".
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?" The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador.
As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out but returned a few moments later with a cat!
The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably . dead. He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but........what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."
Kiss and Slap
===========
A young technician and his general manager board a train headed
through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no
place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from
a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young
tech are interested in each other because they are giving each
other looks.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black.
There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there
without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for
that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she
slapped him."
The general manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know
the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure
wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy
kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face.
He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy
have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his general
manager all at the same time!"
(borrowed from http://www.mountainwings.com/ a daily free email helping you over the "mountains of life")
Minor computer problem
http://www.uq.edu.au/education/extra/all.html
Redneck Palm Pilot
Alaska Party
Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. Saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month; otherwise it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there stood a huge, bearded man.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a Christmas party Friday night..thought you might like to come ..about 5:00.."
"Great," said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars was leaving, he stopped and said, "Gotta warn you. There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," said Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he started to leave, Lars stopped and said,"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Tom said, "Well, I get along wtih people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turned from the door, saying "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," said Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months.. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
Sixth Grade Research
=====================
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is
a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee,
Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by
Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted "hurrah."
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumcised
the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because
of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies,
all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet is an example of a
heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great author was
John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died
and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards
and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin
which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the
slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night
of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in
his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly
insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had
a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and
so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half
English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even
when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827
and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts
and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was
a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
discovered radio.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
(borrowed from: http://www.mountainwings.com
a free daily email to help you over the mountains of life)
As I've Matured:
I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy
or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others -- they are
more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting
long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something
isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke"
in 6 languages.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me,
they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe
something good will happen.
If not...tough!
Tech Support
Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin'"yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article: > > > >
1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on.The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.
4. Yet another,Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it couldn't find the printer. The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied to remove Disk 1 first.
10. A story from a Novel NetWire SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cupholder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has 4Xon it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."
12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a P."
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: "P, on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"
Kids Advice on Love and Marriage
===========================
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with.
* Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then.
* Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at.
You got to be a fool to get married.
* Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
* Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
long enough.
* Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns.
* Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
* Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.
* Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.
I'm never going to have sex with my wife.
I don't want to be all grossed out.
* Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.
* Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
*Kelvin, age 8
"And the #1 Favorite is........"
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty,
even if she looks like a truck.
*Ricky, age 10
(borrowed from http://www.mountainwings.com
Mountain Wings is a free daily email of encouragement to help you over the mountains of life.)
New plans
A lot of changes are coming with regard to personal computers. The goal is to remove all laptop and desktop computers and replace them with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No boot-up problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
4. No more worries about power cuts.
5. Budget savings on upgrades unparalleled
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
If you have any further queries, please feel free to contact the nearest child.
Online etch-a-sketch:
http://www.etch-a-sketch.com/html/onlineetch.htm
The First Parent
=================
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are
our own, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or whatever....
here is something to make you laugh. (Remember, this is a laugh!)
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to
His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created
Adam and Eve (his children).
The first thing he said was, "Don't!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey, Eve. . . we have forbidden fruit!" "No way!" "Yes, way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied,
(wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after elephants).
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break
and was He ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" our first parent, God, asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said,
"Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that
Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed!
But there is assurance in this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children
wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it
would be a piece of cake for you?
Advice for the day:
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it
says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two Aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk
and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit
down and shut-up.
Grandchildren are God's reward to you for not killing your children.
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word
for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
Be nice to your kids.
Someday, they'll choose your nursing home.
Author Unknown
(borrowed from http://www.mountainwings.com
Mountain Wings is a free daily email of encouragement to help you over the mountains of life.)
Getting older
For all of you who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples:
Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"
Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
ABBA--"Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores--"Once! , Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune a-Rising"
Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
HOW TO PREVENT A COLD
Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all.
One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so
she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour. She then invited him to have a
seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal
glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated
a condom. Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his
curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary has flipped or something!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. And of course,
the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the
strange floater; but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no
longer.
"Sister," he said, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to
the crystal bowl)
Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall
and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ,
keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I haven't had a
cold all winter!"
Computer Stupidities
http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/
example:
Tech Support: "Thank you for calling customer service, and how may I help you?"
Customer: "I can't get it to do."
Tech Support: "Excuse me, ma'am?"
Customer: "I can't get my Internet to do."
Tech Support: "Let's check your setup."
Customer: "Okey dokey."
Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon."
Customer: "I don't see that one."
Tech Support: "What screen are you on, and what does you desktop look like?"
Customer: "Wood."
Tech Support: "What's on your screen, ma'am?"
Customer: "A bunch of names."
Tech Support: "Like what?"
Customer: "Bill, George, Larry, Jim."
Tech Support: "What screen are you on?"
Customer: "I am on the one I'm on. I need to go get my daughter. She's the computer guru of the family."
Tech Support: "Great, thank you."
April: "Hi, I'm April, and you are?"
Tech Support: "Mike."
April: "Mike. Cool, dude."
Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
April: "You will have to excuse my mother. She's a little dense."
Tech Support: "No problem."
April: "How old are you?"
Tech Support: "300 years old. I'm the 'Highlander.' Um, would you do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon?"
April: "Sorry, I don't see that one."
Tech Support: "What do you see?"
April: "Bill, George, Larry, and Jim."
Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you using?"
April: "Ninety-something I guess."
Tech Support: "Erm. Shut down the computer and reboot."
April: "Ok...." (pause) "Done."
Tech Support: "What does your screen say?
April: "Bill, Larry, Jim, Barbie, and Wimper."
Tech Support: "Just for kicks, do a double click on 'Bill,' and see what happens."
April: "What is this?"
Tech Support: "What did it do?"
April: "It now has little folders: modems, devices, etc."
Tech Support: "Why was your 'My Computer' icon named Bill?"
April: "I wanted to name it something cute. Did I screw up?"
Christmas Card
http://www.jingandmike.com/pages/xmas.html