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ya got me smiling from ear to ear.
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent
all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the
wading suits, the rowboat, the car and even a
cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't
catch anything. The same thing happens on the
second day, and on the third day. It goes on
like this until finally, on the last day of
their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed.
One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you
realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost
us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we
didn't catch any more!"
Redneck Personal Hygiene
Unlike clothes, shoes, and your brother's wife,
a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
When you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to
change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this
is a job that should be done using one's OWN
truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming
work. A cigarette lighter can accomplish the
same goal and save hours. Note: Its a good
idea to keep a bucket of water handy when
using this method. Also, it's better not to
be alone in the house in case the fire gets
out of control.
now this is funny.
What does a redneck call a dead possum in the middle of the road?
Sushi!
Q: What do you call a redneck couple with only
two kids?
A: Newlyweds.
noth'in like a funny...
LOVE MAKING
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my
wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floats 6
inches above a da bed in ecstacy."
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting. When Ah've finished making ze
love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body... and zen Ah
lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze
bed in pure ecstasy."
The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the
ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my
weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling.
THE HILLBILLY LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
Subject: Alabama quarters
Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters.
If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.
The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters
will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Alabama quarter, which was created by an University of Alabama graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.""
BUBBA
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.
Redneck Jedi
Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.
You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill
You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored!!!
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks
You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE FORCE
Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had tospit.
The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
You Just Might Be a Redneck IF:
Your standard of living improves when you go camping
Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens
You have jacked up your home to look for a dog
You have a relative living in your garage
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer
There is a belch on your answering machine greeting
You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode
None of the tires on your van are the same size
You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it
Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test
Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade
Your local beauty salon also fixes cars
Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet
You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House (This has got to be my favorite!!)
Starting your car involves popping the hood
Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays
You whistle at women in church
You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale
You've ever used duct tape to repair dental work
You've unstopped a sink with a shotgun
Your will states your wife can't touch your money 'till she's fourteen
You have to pass through a metal detector to get to a family reunion
Your coffee table is also a cooler
Your mailing address includes the word "Holler"
The first time you ever saw your wife in lingerie, you had to pay a
cover charge
You've sold a car to settle a bar tab
The best sofa you ever had came out of a Chevrolet
You've ever used your bathtub as a punch bowl
If you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth
If you have ever used a barstool as a walker
thx hun ;)
ya da best in da west
nota a problemo
i surely did
you are very welcome
thot u'd enjoi 'em ;)
ah thot sew tew ;)
love standup comedy
great balls of fire
i like it when it on da face
ya got me from ear to ear
you say da darnedest things.
"You know you're a redneck when ...
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized
. . . because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood
and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation
because you were on jury duty.
Just a Weeeeeee Bit!!!
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...................pregnant when you met her."
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A REDNECK WEDDING
10. Rehearsal dinner held at Hooters
9. Instead of "Friends of the bride or friends
of the groom?" Ushers ask "Ford Or Chevy?"
8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops
Groomsmen: Travis Tritt T-Shirts
7. Phrase "I Do" replaced by "I Heard That"
6. Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song"
performed by Pinkard & Bowden
5. When the minister asks "Who giveth this
woman to be married"...some guy in the
back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!"
4. Reception conversation includes the phrase,
"So what have you been doing since Hee Haw,
Mr. Lindsay?"
3. Snack trays at reception: Vienna sausages and
Nacho Cheese Doritos
2. Plans for the honeymoon evening include tickets
to the monster truck rally
....And The Number One Way To Tell If You're At A
Redneck Wedding...
1. Sign in front of the church: No Shirt...
No Shoes... No Problem!
“Redneck Games” Draws Thousands To Watch Mud Belly-Flop And More...
THE REDNECK SEXUAL APTITUDE TEST:
1.) A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
[ True ] or [False ]
2.) Asphalt describes rectal problems.
[ True ] or [ False ]
3.) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
[ True ] or [ False ]
4.) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a
Heart Attack.
[ True ] or [ False ]
5.) The clitoris is a type of flower.
[ True ] or [ False ]
6.) A G-string is part of a fiddle.
[ True ] or [ False ]
7.) Semen is a term for sailors.
[ True ] or [ False ]
8.) Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
[ True ] or [ False ]
9.) Testicles are found on an Octopus.
[ True ] or [ False ]
10.) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
[ True ] or [ False ]
11.) KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
[ True ] or [ False ]
12.) Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
[ True ] or [ False ]
13.) Coitus is a musical instrument.
[ True ] or [ False ]
14.) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
[ True ] or [ False ]
15.) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
[ True ] or [ False ]
16.) A condom is a large apartment complex.
[ True ] or [ False ]
17.) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a
church choir.
[ True ] or [ False ]
18.) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
[ True ] or [ False ]
19.) A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
[ True ] or [ False ]
20.) An erection is when Japanese people vote.
[ True ] or [ False ]
21.) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
[ True ] or [ False ]
22.) Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
[ True ] or [ False ]
23.) Pornography is the business of making records.
[ True ] or [ False ]
24.) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
[ True ] or [ False ]
25.) Douche is the French word for "twelve."
[ True ] or [ False ]
neato, nice messages.
Q: What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in
Mississippi?
A: A documentary.
The Top 40 Things You'll NEVER Hear A Redneck
Say...... EVER.
40. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup
and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's
just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to
Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of
biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who cares who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart
today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at
Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super
Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat
grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we
haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the
side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer,
Darlin'.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
Q: t's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and
a hillbilly funeral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.
Q: What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in
the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going
through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
community college and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good
idea, and the two leave. The next day Jim goes down to the college and
meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four
basicclasses: math, English, history, and logic. "Logic?" Jim says.
"What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah," replies Jim. "Then logically, because you own a weedeater, I
think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm
not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you
have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a
family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically
you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a
wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual.
That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a
weedeater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to
go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed
up for math, English, history, and logic. "Logic?" Bob says, "What's
that?" Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?" "No."
"Then you're a queer."
You Just Might Be a Redneck IF:
Your standard of living improves when you go camping
Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens
You have jacked up your home to look for a dog
You have a relative living in your garage
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer
There is a belch on your answering machine greeting
You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode
None of the tires on your van are the same size
You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it
Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test
Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade
Your local beauty salon also fixes cars
Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet
You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House (This has got to be my favorite!!)
Starting your car involves popping the hood
Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays
You whistle at women in church
You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale
You've ever used duct tape to repair dental work
You've unstopped a sink with a shotgun
Your will states your wife can't touch your money 'till she's fourteen
You have to pass through a metal detector to get to a family reunion
Your coffee table is also a cooler
Your mailing address includes the word "Holler"
The first time you ever saw your wife in lingerie, you had to pay a
cover charge
You've sold a car to settle a bar tab
The best sofa you ever had came out of a Chevrolet
You've ever used your bathtub as a punch bowl
If you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth
If you have ever used a barstool as a walker
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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