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Do you use Sweet Fish? pic.twitter.com/WzXwCYiJum
— RyanFJBLGB🇺🇸🦅 (@RyanPatrick1991) March 8, 2024
Husband takes his wife to a disco, there is a man on the dance floor, moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works.
Wife turns to her husband & sighs "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him & I said no!"
Husband says "It looks like he’s still out celebrating!" 😂
The woman asked the male pharmacist,
"Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," He answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," He answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," He replied.
One of the Nastiest Jokes I know
True story btw.....and includes the nasty joke....
so it was back around 1990....was at my whse working on a truck.
It was a straight with a 28 foot box but needed the wood floor........
I bought it used and it had steel deck plate on top of the wood floor.
BIG sheets of it tack welded together.....they were 4' wide and around 8
feet long....so I'd cut 'em loose and was unloading them with a helper
helping pull them out and these suckers were HEAVY....
we were at the open outside door of the whse and with some momentum
they would slam down onto the floor once he helped get them started....
I pushed with all my might and out they'd go. I mean to tell you...it took
everything I had to push those suckers out and had to catch my breath
after each one with my helper jumping out of the way once I hit 1/2 way
and had gravity to help.
My helper was the son of a great neighbor and friend......so was down to
2 or 3 left, was bent over catching my breath and my wife came out of
the office......and proceeded to just chew my ass up one side and down the other
I'm talking a serious loud ass chewing.....I had no clue what she was yelling about.
I was speechless and her tirade ended.....she stormed back into the office....
I asked the kid, what the hell was that about? Do you know? He shook his head NO.
then leaning against the outside of the whse on the sidewalk he slow drawled this...
Women! If they didn't have a gash between their legs, they'd have a bounty on their heads. (kinda with a John Wayne drawl)
I collapsed out of the truck onto the side walk somehow not breaking any bones
and there against the whse we sat laughing with tears rolling down for a good 10
minutes... and just starting to regain composure....there was work to be done...
but we're still sitting side by side by side and she comes out and TEARS into me
AGAIN!!! The more she went the more we laughed, practically rolling on the sidewalk
We're looking right at each other and just couldn't stop laughing.....
and I finally gasped.....make her stop, I can't take it! My sides hurt! I can't breathe.
Make her stop! Make her stop! and she finally did and stormed away pissed off.
To this day I have NO clue what the hell it was about....BUT when a guy got a
solid ass chewing in front of others...I would drawl that out.
It's the only time that joke is so damn funny when you catch a guy just right.
So when that happens, let it rip.......
©
" Always liked that one " .. !!
a city dweller went for a drive out into the country and eventually he came upon a roadside fruit stand and decided to pull over. After looking at all the various fruits, his attention was drawn to a bushel of apples labeled "PB&J Apples $2 each". Interested, the man bought an apple and took a bite. He then approached the vendor and complained it only tasted like peanut butter. The vendor then told him to turn it over and take a bite, which he did and to his delight it tasted like the finest of jellies. He bought the whole bushel and put them in his car and continued down the road.
A bit later, he saw a sign for "Steak and Potatoes Apples $5 each" and immediately pulled over to sample the harvest. Upon the first bite, he experienced the smoothest and finest tasting roasted potato with hints of butter and chive but this too left him feeling snookered. He approached the salesman and demanded a refund as it was to taste like "Steak and Potatoes". The seller then advised him to turn it over and take another bite. To the surprise of the buyer, it tasted better than any steak he had ever had. He bought several bushels and put them in the car and continued down the road.
To his amazement, the next apple grower was selling his harvest of "Pussy Apples $25 each". The man slams on his brakes, buys the grower's complete inventory. At his car he decides to bite into on of the apples and discovers it tastes like shit.
The Squirrel
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!
Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close.
I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet.
He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home.
No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.
This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.
TORQUE. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in .. well . I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle.. my brain was just simply overloaded.
I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity.
It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.
Picture a new scene.
You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street.
I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back).
I really would have.
Really...
Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing.
The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me.
That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car .. but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighbourhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves...and a whole lot of Band-Aids.
A man who owns a horse farm gets a call from a friend.
"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over".
The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies.
So, the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?"
The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth. "Nith mouf, can I see her eyesth?"
So, the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?"
Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.
"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat."
With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, shoves his head up the horse's twat, and then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should wephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."
I am NOT pickin' up what you're steppin' in......hehe
Perhaps this one?
How can a hillbilly tell when his mother’s got her period?
Answer: his brother’s dick tastes funny!!!
Then it’s settled. You’re to be married next month.
But Pa, I don’t want to marry my sister!
Who do you think you are young man?! It was good enough for me and your ma and it’ll be good enough for you!
Bill and Fred are out fishing early
Bill: Didn't you just get married yesterday? Why in the heck are you here
fishing with me? Shouldn't you be getting laid on your honeymoon?
Fred: Nah, she has the Clap and well- you know how I like to fish.....
Bill: Well couldn't you just flip her over and get some?
Fred: Nah, she's got the gonorrhea and well- you know how I like to fish.....
Bill: Well couldn't you at least get a Blow Job?
Fred: Nah, she's got the pyorrhea and well- you know how I like to fish.....
Bill: well couldn't you at least get a hand job?
Fred: Nah, she's got the Scabies on her hands and well- you know how I like to fish.....
Bill: Well why in the hell did you marry her if you can't have sex with her?!?!?!?!?
Fred: Well she's got worms, and well- you know how I like to fish.....
I found a used football in a second hand store..
I picked it up and took it to the counter.
"How much is this?" I asked
"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"
"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.
So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.
"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".
"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".
He looked up and said "Sorry. Inflation".
YUCK......put out a warning!
The NFL considered Lizzo for the halftime show, but they were worried the audience would see a fat lady singing and think the game was over. pic.twitter.com/nXT9U7L75q
— Mrs. S. (@hshLauraJ) February 11, 2024
An elderly couple, residents of a nursing home, fell in love and decided to get married. He was 88 and she a spry 90. Weeks later they had their ceremony and reception and celebrated with all their friends and family in attendance.
After she threw the bouquet, they went up to their new room to consummate their nuptials. He was laying in bed naked waiting for her to come out the bathroom where she was changing into something more comfortable.
As she opened the bathroom door, the backlighting allowed her figure to be seen through the shear nightgown. She stood in the door and looked at him—both smiling. Before we get started she said, you should know that I have acute angina. He looked at her smiling and replied, I certainly hope so 'cause your boobs sure are ugly......
you hit the nail on the head
works out like some days days have more chores than others pretty much
believe me
last 2 years been working to take out about 1/2 the work
just hasn't worked out yet.....
my ass is still draggin' today.....
hell, watchin' a fight on an old western....tires me out it seems like
get thru about 2-5 minutes of a Gunsmoke.....and am out like a light
when the young gals start coming out and walking around
sit outside and do some "bird watching"
nope, she'd admit it.....
now processing, she does help a lot...about 1/2 the work
I do the cutting but she's on hand to help holding a quarter etc
and I grind the meat and she puts it away in bags to freeze
I'm gonna rat you out to your wife about that 95% business, bet I hear ya holla clean over here on the other side of the hill. LOLOL
ever had one of those days where you said to yourself ?....
I'm gettin' too old for this shit......
Yesterday started at 4 a.m.....
by 9:30 was feeding cows after other chores,
at 11:15 my customer due at Noon showed up........
he was a yakker.....
such a yakker that the next 5+ hours were a pita
who's the MF that said the customer is always right?
I'd like to personally address his comment face to face
so he bought a beef....gave him his choice of who to pick and my recommendation
he decided against what I recommended......he regretted it later of course
he paid his upfront deposit
so did the kill.....with the understanding he was to help........
ever see that sign at mechanics' shops where it lists the price per hour
that gets higher as you go from watching to helping.....
I'm thinking to make one up for this process
Now it does take my wife and I about 4 hours to butcher a cow
and quarter it with me doing 95% of the work
this took longer with a younger healthy able man......
he would not STFU!! and when the sun dropped below the edge of the cliff
and it started getting COLD...drops like 30º+ FAST
THEN he finally got the lead out of his ass.....
but in the end, we loaded him up after quartering the animal....
and weighing it and getting paid.........
the weight came out really close to my guess
so when time to pay came....HERE COME THE BULLSHIT
now it wasn't loaded yet....or even quartered at that point....
I weighed the entire carcass .....so straightened him out......
now today the day after....yesterday I had 3 strips of thick bacon rolled in
small tortillas for breakfast early on.....stopped for ONE quick drink of water
in all those hours, pressing to get it done........
and Today....the word of the day....THE ONLY WORD OF THE DAY......is
.
.
.
.
.
OUCH!
yep, think I'm getting too old for this shit......
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
well that's good news....you can have my share of the rabbit food
had some tasty sweet corn on the cob, bbq beef and pork, and baked taters last night
would get so weak on salads.....but still get in some kraut, turnip or collard greens, fruit. etc
heck, chicken don't have enough oooompah in it, pork has if I eat enough
bacon does me good for a morning snack, beef.....well that keeps my energy up.....
miserable weather here.....got me some new socks to try today and gloves
hoping will be warmer today out braving this pooh
we don't need anymore down here
busted down a drift was over 6' high and over 30' deep with the telehandler
pushing it up high for a snow berm/wall to skip the snow over
higher stacked hay REALLY made a huge difference this year so far
just can't change backhoe tires in this
am really regretting not changing those tires last fall.....stretched the old ones too far
" Kinna picking up >>
a spare tire, and am on *tasty* Vegetable Salads
for last 4 weeks ...
Am starting to notice a change ...
was good, calmed down a lot.....then at 3:30 a.m.
here it came......wind howling and driving snow and in the next hour and a half
a foot of snow where the wind was cut off and there's some huge drifts out there......
and now it's just dumping
gonna be 3 feet out of this before it's done
cows haven't come up either......they're usually up here by now
good thing gave 'em a big feed yesterday
they'll probably spend all day chewing cud down out of the wind
hunkered down
HIGH winds here yesterday-- one location had a gust of 105 MPH- wind chill was unreal
the wind is just brutal out there
has been past 3 days.....
and today is worse....3 days ago was so bad
cows didn't even come up to feed, just hunkered down
gave 'em 1/2 again extra the next day and they ate it all
some extra yesterday and will do the same today
it slows down to 30 mph and then gusts....just about knocks me off my feet
Gonna be a whole 8 degrees tomorrow here, brrrrr
Tonight
Snow showers likely, mainly between 8pm and midnight. Widespread blowing snow, mainly after 8pm. Cloudy, with a low around 14. Very windy, with a west wind 35 to 40 mph, with gusts as high as 60 mph. Chance of precipitation is 60%. New snow accumulation of 1 to 2 inches possible.
this is a hoot
will be trying something similar myself........but not recording it
cooked up 2.5 lbs of our ground beef
while it was cooking, tossed in some onion, mushrooms, and diced carrot
added some salt, pepper, garlic, beef and chicken bullion, soy sauce and red wine
let it simmer
cooked up some small shells
tossed in 1/2 stick of butter and didn't drain the noodles
tossed the beef and veggies and a can of field peas
and some corn starch in the can with cold water to rinse the last flavor out the can
tossed that in.....cooked it for another 20 minutes
tasted it...........it's done
after freezing my ass off today......for 6 hours, this is gonna hit the spot
got enough for dinner and plenty for hot lunches
I have them on DVD......the series.....
The Brazilian is my favorite which I posted a few times
some of the best comedy ever imo........and it's feckin' Irish!
I heard there's a newer X-mas special out
I actually visited with the folks from the show online some years ago
they are a riot......
Little Britain is pretty good too......
gotta love Irish humor
We often said that excessive curing is a sign of a limited vocabulary. I really don't give a FU*K!
My great-grandmother said it was the sign of a weak mind........
I'm really beginning to wonder if she was right........
but then, she didn't live in the America of today........
I blame Obama......because that's when I noticed I was at a lack
of normal non-profane words more often than not......
Stop swearing.... That's one of the few thing I have left that I'm very good at. I'm not denying myself!
LOL! I'll be darned!
Not trying to brag
But I've enough $$$ to not have to work for the rest of the year!
" GRUB Post # 4444 ..!!!
I've tried that, but what I did was compromise and stop depending on the situation.
well maybe my Resolution will take this time
to stop using profanity.........LOL!
**Happy New Year, One & All ** !!!
Hey Larry
well I dumped in the carrots and celery.....
tasted the chicken stock that was left
dumped that in........
dumped in some fine black pepper and tried a bowl
tasted exactly like what my great aunt used to make
except.....mine is thicker....not so much broth.....
so it's Stoup -----stew/soup as Gary and I used to call it
and it IS delicious....
had a hankering for this for a couple months now
So Larry, if you get a hankering for some
I did put some chicken boullion in with the chicken
when cooked it......didn't measure nothing.....
but it came out perfect....and used a good bit of salt.....
when cooking that chicken......used a big family pack of thighs....
dumped 'em in the pot frozen at about 9 and they were cooked perfect at 1
over a low heat...only used one box of the small shells
tomorrow, my pups will get the chicken fat I chopped up in their lunch
well since chores are now taking twice as long
and it's been colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra
took some chicken thighs and slow simmered them
then deboned them cut up the meat and tossed in a big pot
with some of the chicken stock
to make sure the chicken was cooked right, ate one of the thighs......*halo*
chopped up some carrot and celery and it's slowly getting tender
simmering in chicken stock and and butter
put some small shell noodles on and they just went off...
ok, tossed those in with the chicken
once the veggies are tossed in, add some more stock as needed
and some black pepper and some cornstarch and it's done......
some of the best meals
are done simply, just like over a campfire
when it's done should be more of a chicken stew than a soup....
will be good with some fresh made biscuits
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This is where folks come to swap stories, real or flat out lies about those things in life which make us happy.
Some might call it a Liar's Bench, but we should pride ourselves as being above lying and eloquently share our fun, bizarre, wild, wierd tales that defy logic.
Here's a subject list for starters:
Hunting, Fishing, Farting, Telling Crass Jokes, Turning wrenches on your truck or hotrod,
Building anything that you can drive, ride, sit in, shoot, or annoy the jerk next door, like adding so much power that your drivelines exploded.
Yours or a friend's worst drunk, wreck, accident or time you or someone you know made a complete fool of themselves... Sports bloopers you saw or were a part of.
NO Namby Pamby touchie feel crap is allowed!
No talking about computers or cell phones unless there was a pool of blood and you had to Rambo stitch yourself up..
No talking about changing diapers unless you left the diaper on the exhaust manifold of your neighbor's car who's always calling the cops.
Basic Rules for posting.
We're rated R, therefore ...No pornography... Unacceptable Profanity: the C-words.
ALL pic links posted MUST apply to the story at hand or the Pic be worth 1000 words.
[b]Absolutely NO talking about stocks in any part of any post.[/b]
Acceptable Profanity: Ass, Shit, Damn, Friggin, Bitch, Bastard, etc... Some abbreviations: SOB, POS, WTF, RTFLMAO etc... Farscape & Battlestar Galactica profanity allowed.
Use common sense and the same goes for jokes told.
I hate having to remove a great post because it goes too far. It's ok to make a preacher blush, but not faint.
We are not here to compete with the Guy's Room or any other board.
This is like when men are out on a hunting or fishing trip, sitting around a fire and the story swapping gets competitive and you sometimes hear things so outrageous you fall over laughing or you go home and buy that new programmer for your truck so it too will have MORE POWER.
I'm open to suggestions for IBox graphics...PM me the links when you have a good one...We're a work in progress.....Have fun!
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