Replies to post #174887 on Rants and Raves

[teapeebubbles]

well u know it's true ;)

[teapeebubbles]

a fyi most lesbians die from fur balls

[teapeebubbles]

A best buy rated site for men...

http://www.clitoris-information.com/

[teapeebubbles]

j4 walks into his house one day to find his
wife in bed with another man. j4 calmly
picks up his shotgun and leads the guy, naked, out
to his garage. He put's the man's penis into a vise,
tightens it down, and removes the handle. As if the
guy wasn't in enough pain now, j4 retrieves
a hack saw with a dull blade. The fellow says,
"You're NOT going to cut it off now!?"

j4 hands the hacksaw to the guy and says,

"No, you are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[teapeebubbles]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a flounder?

One of them is a bottom-feeding, scumsucking scavenger.

[teapeebubbles]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

A hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead.

[teapeebubbles]

j4 says...My ex wife and I split the house evenly...she got the inside, I got the outside.

[teapeebubbles]

You know what u have when there are 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?





a good start

[teapeebubbles]

ah schucks yer teasin me with yer jolly prod, remember aver erections are only 5 1/4", lol

[teapeebubbles]

What's the difference between Lady Godiva and a lost golf ball?

The lost golf ball is a hunt on a course.

[teapeebubbles]

A mother and daughter were riding in a cab through New
York City when the daughter noticed some scantily clad
women loitering on a street corner.

"Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those
ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from
work," the mother replied.

"C'mon, lady," the cabbie interjected, "tell her the truth.
They're hookers!"

After a stunned silence, the daughter piped up, "Mommy,
do hookers have children?"

"Of course," the mother replied. "Where do you think
cabbies came from?"

[teapeebubbles]

If you can start the day without caffeine,



If you can get going without pep pills,



If you can always be cheerful,
ignoring aches and pains,



If you can resist complaining and
boring people with your troubles,



If you can eat the same food every
day and be grateful for it,



If you can understand when your loved
ones are too busy to give you any time,



If you can overlook it when those you love
take it out on you when, through no fault
of yours, something goes wrong,



If you can take criticism and
blame without resentment,



If you can ignore a friend's limited
education and never correct him,



If you can resist treating a rich friend
better than a poor friend,



If you can face the world
without lies and deceit,



If you can conquer tension
without medical help,



If you can relax without liquor,



If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,



...Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!

[teapeebubbles]

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she

needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went.

She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.







He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."



The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.



She bought the frog and put him in the car.



Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."









So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.













IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?





COME ON GUESS?







OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON,




SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.


She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!

[teapeebubbles]

One day, j4 complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply
put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
costs $10.00.

remora figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights
started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid
heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began
to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured
in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and
printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get
better.

[teapeebubbles]

Breast Exam Poem

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.
"Stand up very close" she said.
As she got my bo ob in line,
"And tell me when it hurts" she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine.

She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor bo ob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt.
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this viscous thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Lord have mercy I was praying.

It squeezed me from up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how they come out!

[teapeebubbles]

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

All they are concerned with are legs, breasts and thighs.

[teapeebubbles]

What's a man's idea of protected sex?

A padded headboard!

[teapeebubbles]

Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny.
If you see him
without a woody,
make him a sandwich.

[teapeebubbles]

Q: How many animals can you find in a pair of pantyhose?

A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass and a fish
nobody can find.

[teapeebubbles]

There one was a heavyset guy, j4, who had tried every diet in the
world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale
diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None
worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he
noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound
Call [phone]

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A
voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to
lose?"

The man responded, "Ten pounds."

The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card
number and we'll have a representative over to your house in
the morning."

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the
door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked
except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me,
you can have me."

Well,the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over
sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally,
panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he
was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the
bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed
to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the
other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to
which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty
pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give
me your credit card number and we'll have a representative
over to your house in the morning."

"At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock
on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful
blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck
stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a
good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out,
but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told
him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He
ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice
at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to
lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the
voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one
time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card
number, you just have your representative over here in the
morning!" and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed,
splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next
representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door.
When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a
sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, I am going to
have you

[teapeebubbles]

Ebonics Crimmus

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus;
And all ower da hood;
ereybody wuz' sleepin';
Dey wuz sleepin' good.


We hunged up our stockings;
An hoped like de' heck;
That old Santa Clause;
Be bringin' our check.

All o'de fambily;
Wuz layin in de beds;
While Ripple and Thunderbird;
Danced through dey heads.

I passed out inna' flo;
Right nex to my Maw;
When I heard sech a fuss;
I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!"

I looked out thru de bars;
What covered my doe;
'Spectin' de sheriff;
Wif a warrent fo sho.

And what did I see;
I said, "Lawd look at dat!!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon;
Pulled by giant warf rats!!

Now ober all de years;
Santa Clause, he be white;
But looks liken us bros;
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a Po'lees car;
My home boy he came;
He whupped on dem warf rats;
An' called dem by name!

On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ;
And on Willie Lee;
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!!

As he landed dat watta' mellon;
Out der in da skreet;
I knowed it was fo' sho';
Da damndest site I ebber did see.

He didn't go down no chimbley;
He picked da' lock on my doe;
An' I sez to myself;
"Sh it!! He done dis befoe!!!"

He had dis big bag;
Full of prezents I 'xpect;
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold;
To wear roun' my neck.

But he left no good prezents;
Jus started stealing my sh it;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar's kit!!

Wit my stuff in de bag;
Out da window he flewed;
I woudda' tried to catched him;
But he stoled my 'nife too!!

He jumped on dat wadda' mellon;
An' whipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon';
Dat son of a bi tch!!

Next year I be hopin':
Anutha Sanna we git;
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause;
Jus' ain't werf a sh it!!!

[teapeebubbles]

After looking for love in all the wrong places,
j4 returns from the Middle East and is feeling
very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is
immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.

j4 wakes up after the tests in a private room
at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his
bed..and it rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back
from your tests and we've found you have an
extremely contagious and nasty STD called
'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea,
AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"

"Oh, my gosh," cried j4, "What are you going to do,
doctor?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me???" asked j4.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the
only foods we can get under the door."