Replies to post #174476 on Rants and Raves

[teapeebubbles]

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved
up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer
warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the
young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if
the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come
home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed
time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells
him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck
doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he
reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on
the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is
getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder
sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the
distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and
pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes

[teapeebubbles]

The differences between how a woman and a man uses a drive-through banking machine. Here
is his and hers ATM usage explained...

HIS

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN number and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt



HER

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it

9. Enter PIN number

10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.

11. Hit "cancel"

12. Re-enter correct PIN number

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. STOP

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in gear, reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Travel 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

[teapeebubbles]

Dear Sir,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My
reasons are numerous, and after being married for 7 years
and having 7 children I have come to the conclusion that
contraceptives are totally useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the 'Rhythm
Method'. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife
fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha Cha.

A doctor suggested using the 'Safe Period'. At the time we
were living with in-laws and had to wait for 3 weeks for a safe
period when the house was empty. Needless to say, this
didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we
made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It's
hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did finish up with clear
skin, silky hair and felt very healthy, and my wife was
pregnant.

Another old wives' tale we heard was that if my wife jumped
up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy.
After constant breast feeding, including my earlier attempts, if
my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two
black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the 'Sheath'. The chemist
demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet.
My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't really surprise me
as I fail to see how a Trojan stretched over the thumb, as the
chemist showed, can prevent babies.

She was supplied with the 'Coil' and after several
unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realized we had got a left
hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw.

The 'Dutch Cap' came next; we were very hopeful of this as it
did not interfere with our sex life at all, but alas it did give my
wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size
available but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the 'Pill.' At first it kept falling out, then
we realized we were doing it wrong. My wife started putting it
between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere
near her; this did work for a while until the night she forgot the
Pill.

You must appreciate my problem. If this operation is
unsuccessful, I will have to revert to oral sex, although just
talking about it can never substitute for the real thing.

Yours faithfully,