Rants and Raves

[teapeebubbles]

Dear Sir,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My
reasons are numerous, and after being married for 7 years
and having 7 children I have come to the conclusion that
contraceptives are totally useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the 'Rhythm
Method'. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife
fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha Cha.

A doctor suggested using the 'Safe Period'. At the time we
were living with in-laws and had to wait for 3 weeks for a safe
period when the house was empty. Needless to say, this
didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we
made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It's
hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did finish up with clear
skin, silky hair and felt very healthy, and my wife was
pregnant.

Another old wives' tale we heard was that if my wife jumped
up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy.
After constant breast feeding, including my earlier attempts, if
my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two
black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the 'Sheath'. The chemist
demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet.
My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't really surprise me
as I fail to see how a Trojan stretched over the thumb, as the
chemist showed, can prevent babies.

She was supplied with the 'Coil' and after several
unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realized we had got a left
hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw.

The 'Dutch Cap' came next; we were very hopeful of this as it
did not interfere with our sex life at all, but alas it did give my
wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size
available but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the 'Pill.' At first it kept falling out, then
we realized we were doing it wrong. My wife started putting it
between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere
near her; this did work for a while until the night she forgot the
Pill.

You must appreciate my problem. If this operation is
unsuccessful, I will have to revert to oral sex, although just
talking about it can never substitute for the real thing.

Yours faithfully,