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teapeebubbles

04/13/11 7:17 PM

#167910 RE: jimmym4 #167908

just a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on!
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teapeebubbles

04/13/11 7:33 PM

#167915 RE: jimmym4 #167908

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

"This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"

Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him.

Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
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teapeebubbles

04/13/11 7:35 PM

#167916 RE: jimmym4 #167908

The Top 8 Signs You're NOT the Funniest Person in America

8> All your monologues begin with "Death to the infidels!"

7> Every time you start a "knock knock" joke, Simon Cowell pops out of the bushes and kicks you in the crotch.

6> Your Sam Kinnison impersonation not only failed to get you any laughs, it forced you to concede the democratic presidential bid to John Kerry.

5> The subject line of all your e-mails: "FWD: FWD: FWD: LOL!"

4> Your copyrighted signature catch-phrase is "Get it?"

3> The trick boutonniere on your lapel is connected to your urinary catheter.

2> Your "watch me pull a baby out of this vagina" joke is just creepy.

1> Your "homage to Gallagher" involves a huge mallet and live puppies.
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teapeebubbles

04/13/11 7:45 PM

#167918 RE: jimmym4 #167908

j4 finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke."

"Well, then, is it sex?"

"Nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what can she do that I can't?"

"Sue me for child support."
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teapeebubbles

04/13/11 7:46 PM

#167919 RE: jimmym4 #167908

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in
frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome- plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
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teapeebubbles

04/13/11 7:57 PM

#167923 RE: jimmym4 #167908

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the
chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes
are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin
close to the groin. The patient then controls the sensation with a
handheld remote.


Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:


Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.

Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of orgasm related
headlines.

Dad now surfs with two remotes. Mom never complains.

She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out
the door.

Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600 bucks
to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.

The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...

"Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."

Finally, size really doesn't matter.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry,
could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention...I'm sorry..."

Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout
your surgeon's name.

Side effects? Who cares about... oh... oh... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!

In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Ultimate Universal
Remote now has a new button: "Big O."

Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner...
errr, never mind.
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teapeebubbles

04/13/11 8:01 PM

#167925 RE: jimmym4 #167908

A couple's in bed, and j4 says, "How about it?"

She says, " Not tonight, I have a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to be fresh."

j4 thinks for a couple of seconds and says,
"You're not going to the Dentist, are you ?"