Replies to post #8355 on The Confessional

[teapeebubbles]

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at
a shopping mall.

Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk
to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old
fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your
wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with
tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere.'

[teapeebubbles]

y/w ;)

[teapeebubbles]

54 Reasons To Prefer Sheep




Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.

You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.

Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.

Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.

Nuttin' beats mutton!

Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.

Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.

Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.

Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.

No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe.

Sheep are never concerned about their reputation.

Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up.

Sheep won't ask if you're gay, when you can't get it up for the second time.

Sheep never insist on eating out.

You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Mel Gibson.

Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late.

Sheep don't smell like tuna fish.

Sheep don't get moody once a month.

You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth.

A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay.

A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed.

A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon.

A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car.

A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains.

A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and pay

A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup.

A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy.

A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator.

A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom.

A sheep will never sue you for palimony.

A sheep won't care if you screw her sister.

A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is.

A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing.

A sheep won't use your razor to shave its legs, or your pocketknife to open a paint can.

Sheep never have a headache.

A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill.

A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom.

A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons.

Sheep grow their own fur coats.

A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when you're having friends over to watch football.

Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend.

A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning.

Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex.

A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up.

A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator.

A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style.

A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom.

Sheep are "ram tough".

A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you: send daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear levis with a hole in the seat, or open beer bottles with your teeth.

Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on.

Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning.

Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck.

A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake up the kids, you'll wake the neighbors, she's too drunk to enjoy it, or she's not drunk enough to enjoy it.

A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber.

[teapeebubbles]

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

[teapeebubbles]

Three Religious Truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

[teapeebubbles]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening
and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The
man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this,
asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain
she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I
can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[teapeebubbles]

After returning from his honeymoon inFloridawith his new bride,
Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop to say hello to his
friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"
Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful
Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice
cigars for me, and we were looking forward to da trip. Everytinga
wasa okey dokey until we getta hungry and open upa a luncha basket. The
conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, "no ea in disa
car. Musta use a dining car."
"So, me and my beautiful Virginia,we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha
and start to open a bottle of nice a vino!! Condctore walka by again,
waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Mustausaa club a
car.' "So, we go to cluba car."
"While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga
cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina
disa car. Musta go to smokina car.' "We go to smokina car and I smokea
my biga cigar."
"Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through
da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice,
"NOFOLKAVIRGINIA!! NOFOLKAVIRGINIA!!'"
"Next time, I'ma gonna taka a da bus"!!!!!

[teapeebubbles]

Marriage is a relationship is which one person is always right,

and the other is usually the husband.


delyte says....
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept

hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always

had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, email,

fishing, always something more important to me.



Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.



I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a

toothbrush.



'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the

driveway.'



The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[teapeebubbles]

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to
love our enemies; probably because they are generally
the same people.

[teapeebubbles]

Here are a list of rules that may be very helpful to
determine if you have cheated on your spouse or signif-
icant other:

1. Oral Sex does not count. That much has been
established.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the
following day, it doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more
sex, it doesn't count.

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, it doesn't count.

5. Sex with a friend doesn't count; it's just another
thing for you to share together! (Now you have
something to tell women when they say they just want
to be friends!)

6. If the act was so lame you leave thinking, "Did I
really need a shower for that?" doesn't count.

7. An old flame, doesn't count. This is just called
final closure.

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count. This is mercy sex.

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the
same. Nope doesn't count, since masturbation isn't
sex. That too has been established.

10. Cyber-sex? NO WAY! This is glorified masturbation.

11. Two heterosexual women intimate fun, but not sex,
doesn't count.

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating.

13. An act to make a married person feel good about
themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know
their significant other on a first-name basis.

14. A sexual act committed while you were intoxicated,
doesn't count.

15. An act committed with a family member of your
significant other doesn't count. This should just
be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet."

16. Acts committed in a public place doesn't count.
(Why should it? It was public, right?).

17. Phone sex doesn't count. Refer back to "glorified
masturbation. "

18. Sex in car, doesn't count. Way too cramped to
really enjoy it. However, if vehicle is in motion
and has a console or stick shift, this counts,
because it is way too kinky and erotic NOT TO
count. Well, unless the act was totally oral. If
so, refer back to rule #1.

19. An act in which the female did not achieve total
satisfaction doesn't count.

20. An act in which no kissing takes place doesn't
count, because it isn't considered intimate.

21. An act in which "you do all the work" doesn't
count. That's work!

22. An act committed with your next door neighbor
doesn't count. This should be referred to as
"being neighborly."

23. An act committed with an acquaintance because
you are angry with your significant other doesn't
count. Well, you were angry, and everyone knows
no one is responsible for their own feelings. See
rule #14.

25. An act which only happens on a random basis,
doesn't count. This should be considered "getting
acquainted."

26. An act with a US President, doesn't count, unless
the Senate votes to impeach.

27. An act with your boss, doesn't count. This is
just considered career enhancement and/or additional
employee benefits.

WARNING: Any sex that results in pregnancy, or a social
disease DOES count, since such things provide constant
reminders.