Replies to post #8325 on The Confessional

[teapeebubbles]

delyte is put before the judge's bench because he is on
trial for paying a prostitute for sex. "How do you
plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.

"Not Guilty, your honor."

Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecu-
tor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court
of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus
your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right
here on tape?"

"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court
that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitu-
tion, I was committing another 'heinous' crime ...
Gambling."

"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor. "How so?"

"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to
the young lady earlier that night as she was working
in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200
that you don't get to have sex with me tonight.' That
videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"

[teapeebubbles]

On their wedding night, the young bride

Approached her new

Husband, delyte, and asked for $20.00 for their first

Lovemaking encounter In

His highly aroused state, her husband readily

Agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more
Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to
Afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find
Her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer
Was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and
Therefore, they
Were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty
Years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that
For the more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but
Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If
I'd had any idea what you
Were doing, I would have given you all my
Business!'


That's when she shot him.

[teapeebubbles]

delyte says....

*My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.*

*It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the
dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!*

*Last night my wife met me at the front door.
She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble
was, she was coming home.*

*A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over.
There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!*

*A hooker once told me she had a headache.*

*I went to a massage parlor. It was selfservice.*

*If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex
life at all.*

*I was making love to this girl and she started
crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in
the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself right now."*

*I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a
two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head
in case the bag over her head comes off.*

*I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons
to cure sex offenders.*

*My wife is such a bad cook; if we leave dental
floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.*

*I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and
got arrested for mooning.*

*The other day I came home and a guy was
jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" * *He said,
"Because you came home early."*

*My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for
Alka-Seltzer.*

*I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear
on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.*

*My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we
pray after the meal.*

*My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex;
she called me from Chicago last night.*

**
*And the Blue Ribbon goes to.......*
*My family was so poor that if I hadn't been
born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.*
R Dangerfield

[teapeebubbles]

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bath-
room door you're on.

[teapeebubbles]

Murphy's Rules of Sex

- Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger
than them.

- Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

- Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

- A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a
man, the women he couldn't.

- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

- Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing, say come
back in the spring, but don't say no.

- A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't
love her.

- Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

- Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

- Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the
other eight are unimportant.

[teapeebubbles]

This was written by a man:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel like coming in the next day. By then, I thought, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen:

Ed!! The garbage disposal is dead. Come and reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"


I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."


So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without any respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight option.

Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

At the office, my colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.

What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.

[teapeebubbles]

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.