Rants and Raves

[teapeebubbles]

THE ART OF WINDOWS B.S. (BILL SHUI)

Bill Shui (pronounced, Bill shoo-ey) is the ancient
Geek art of arranging one's Windows desktop to
maximize positive energy, so as to prevent the
attraction of Gatesunami, a tidal wave of evil and
obliterating forces.

Here are some tips for a more safe and productive
Windows experience:

1. Icons for crash-ladened programs like Word and
Frontpage should be placed at the bottom of your
Windows desktop, so they will symbolically have
less distance to fall.

Supporting-structure icons such as Norton Utilities
and anti-virus scanners should line the sides, while
Microsoft's safest and most-stable programs, like
Notepad and Paint, may daintily cross the top of
the screen.

2. Desktop colors should shy away from blue, which
may "call" or attract the frequent "blue screen of
death."

Instead, use greens, which say, "I've disabled
auto-updates" and "I use a Netscape browser,
which doesn't hand over my files to Internet
hackers like candy on Halloween!"

3. The best cure in Bill Shui is to remove all clutter.

A Redmond Beast product sprays files, shortcuts,
and other debris all over your hard disk and
registry, like an unspayed housecat -- and it's
just as impossible to get rid of the stink. Before
you install Redmond Beast items, ask yourself,
"Do I really trust this thing?" If not, use the CD-
ROM, shiny-side-up, as an aroma-candle base.
It will do no harm this way.

4. Sounds: Windows likes to play a soothing melody
after it has destroyed your life's work. This may
calm stockholders' brows, but it's no help for you!

Replace breezy warning and destruction jingles
with more suitable statements that associate with
the event, like the phone number for the DOJ, or
the humorous billionaire claiming it's what custom-
ers demand.

5. Watch what "nutrition" you put in your drive's
"mouth".

Just like a restaurant that gives you a coupon for
a free meal after it has served you a plate's worth
of botulism, Redmond Beast likes to trick you back
with offers of upgrades and patches. Run! from this
greasy spoon. Your computer deserves healthy and
organic recipes.

And remember, always strive for harmony through a
balanced Yin/Youtput.