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OT: Laforza on eBay
sold:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1820653689
in progress:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1823195844
Husband 1.0
Dear Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow-down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've Tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate User
______________________
Dear Desperate User,
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as Boob Job 3.6D and that old stand-by...Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of the hardware).
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Wife 1.0
To Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Boys Night Out 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 or Golf 4.0 no longer run; crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!! Otherwise, I'm stuck..
Thanks, Stuck
Dear Stuck:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony /Child Support."
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). YOU must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.exe. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to run the APOLOGIZE.foreverything.exe command before the operating system will return to normal. Note: In some rare (but becoming more common) cases you will need to run the APOLOGIZE.foreverything.exe command routinely - the time frame between commands is approximately 28 days. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great system but very high maintenance.
Consider buying addition software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. We recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and will DEFINITELY cause software conflicts, possibly also hardware conflicts which will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck.
Tech Support ......
Alert:
This may very well be the worse one yet. Please read very carefully!!
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.
Classics
They are starting to repeat.
The classics are timeless. <vbg
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY...
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY...
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason, I was chosen for the water torture. This time however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of what they call "pizza." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Hunter
A big-city, California lawyer went duck hunting in
rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell
into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what
he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck
and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to
retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you
are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said,
"I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
U.S., and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue
you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you
don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small
disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick
Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas three-Kick
Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three
times and then you kick me three times, and so on,
back an forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he could easily take the old
codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The
old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his
face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the
farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to
give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and
managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old
coot now it's my turn."
The farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can
have the duck."
The Pastor and Miss Bea
========================
Miss Bea was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water.
In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise.
Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!
But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (Pointing to the bowl.)
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful?"
The Pastor waited. . .
"I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package.
The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.
And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."
---------------------------------------------------------------
( borrowed from http://www.mountainwings.com/ "Prepare to Fly - Let MountainWings.com help lift you over the Mountains of Life" )
Redneck humor
There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, but you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time."
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The man guessed (2) this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Bribe and Groom
=================
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor
with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love,
honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate
it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's
vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her
every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning
of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely
wife that you will never even look at another woman, as long as
you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
"Yes,"
then leaned toward the pastor and hissed:
"I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:
"She made me a better offer."
(borrowed from Mountain Wings: http://www.mountainwings.com/ )
Government Employee Logic
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola, and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the government," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up.
You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: Rodney, Mike and me..... I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back.
Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."
65 bumper stickers
(caution, a couple are a little "raw")
1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9.. Thank You For Pot Smoking
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11. If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
23. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
24. The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
28. Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen upside down on a jeep]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed for 70 mph..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service ---- Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
55. Saw It ... Wanted It .. Had A Fit ... Got It!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
59. Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last Night
===========
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his
wife stayed at home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed,
"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in eight hours while
my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade
in our bodies."
God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set
out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their
lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry
cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to
draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove
to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills,
went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He
cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds,
do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen
floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
argument with them on the way home. He set out cookies and milk
and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the
ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 PM he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for
salads, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 PM he
was exhausted and though his chores weren't finished, he went to
bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get
through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
said, " Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong
to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, O Lord please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you
have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things
back to the way they were.
You'll have to wait 9 months, though.
You got pregnant last night!!!"
from www.mountainwings.com, a free daily email inspirational
service.
http://www.mountainwings2.com/cgi-bin/lyris.pl?visit=mountainwings&id=175643707
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
____________________________________________
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
____________________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
_____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
____________________________________________
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
_____________________________________________
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
____________________________________________
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
Easy Come/Easy Go
This past weekend, I was rushing around in Houston, Texas trying to do some Valentine's Day shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing.
The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred-dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His Mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skrimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine's Day presents (since she didn't manage to get them anything on Christmas).
His mother, on the way to her second job had dropped off the young boy. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.
So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
Signed,
Kenneth Lay
Enron CEO
Anyone up for a boat ride?
http://koti.mbnet.fi/%7Esoldier/towboat.htm
(may take a while to load)
link stolen from: http://www.siliconinvestor.com/stocktalk/msg.gsp?msgid=17209753
OT: Awesome picture sequence
http://koti.mbnet.fi/%7Esoldier/towboat.htm
This takes a little while to load.
(link stolen from one of Jim Bishop's threads: http://www.siliconinvestor.com/stocktalk/msg.gsp?msgid=17209753 )
The Taxi, The Nerd, and Rune-sore-bees
=======================================
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,
went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver
said, "Look, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights
out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a
little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver.
I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Jock vs. Nerd?
$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in
endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night
while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll
make $18,550 while he's there.
$ If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while
boiling it.
$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000),
it would take him a whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money,
they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but
will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into
a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the
federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd
be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in
the Olympics and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in
his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past
presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?
However...
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years,
he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over.
Nerd wins.
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Language proficiency is part of the international contracting
scene. This exchange between an English-speaking traveler and a
member of the hotel staff in a Far East hotel was recorded in
the Far-East Economic Review.
Room Service:
Morny. Rune-sore-bees.
Hotel Guest:
Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.
Room Service:
Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?
Hotel Guest:
Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.
Room Service:
Ow July den?
Hotel Guest:
What?
Room Service:
Aches. Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch...?
Hotel Guest:
Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.
Room Service:
Ow July dee baycome? Crease?
Hotel Guest:
Crisp will be fine.
Room Service:
Hokay. An Santos?
Hotel Guest:
What?
Room Service:
Santos. July Santos?
Hotel Guest:
Ugh. I don't know... I don't think so.
Room Service:
No. Judo one toes?
Hotel Guest:
Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo
one toes" means. I'm sorry.
Room Service:
Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we
bother?
Hotel Guest:
English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine.
An English muffin will be fine.
Room Service:
We bother?
Hotel Guest:
No. Just put the bother on the side.
Room Service:
Wad?
Hotel Guest:
I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.
Room Service:
Copy?
Hotel Guest:
I feel terrible about this but...
Room Service:
Copy. Copy, tea, mill...
Hotel Guest:
Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.
Room Service:
One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease
baycome, tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy.
Rye?
Hotel Guest:
Whatever you say.
Room Service:
Hokay. Tendjewberrymud.
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from: http://www.mountainwings.com/
"MountainWings is a Free Daily E-Mail that makes you Laugh,
Think, and just plain Feel Good about Life."
This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary...
For my 50th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the entire time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
never say this to a cop!
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are !
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Weather Prediction
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked
their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe
that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,"
the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is
it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's
going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely", the man replied. "It's going to be one of the
coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like
crazy."
stolen from "Excel's Coffee Shop (ECS)"
http://www.investorshub.com/boards/read_msg.asp?message_id=297742
Since The Lord's Prayer is not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word "God" is mentioned....
A kid in Arizona wrote a NEW School prayer.
ASHAMED
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
Click for cute:
http://sendingfun.com/makeyousmile/flash.asp
(stolen from "The Hangout": http://www.investorshub.com/boards/read_msg.asp?message_id=293439 )
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Useful math ...
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then, H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
And, K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But, A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And, B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T"
Example of those days are:
Tuesday Thursday Thanksgiving Today Tomorrow
*******************************
WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED . . .
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night...5% said it was to get a glass of water...12% said it was to go the toilet...
83% said it was to go home.
*******************************
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST . . .
as a man sees it...You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties. Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. And your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
Now that was cute.
Reminds me of the angel named Harold, "hark the Harold angel sings."
Churched youth
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
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A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
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After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
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A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a Sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
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A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
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After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
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Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an Airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.
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The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
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A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.
When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
----------
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."
----------
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his Wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
More Blonde Jokes:
OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts. "How can I get across to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and the shouts back, "You are on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back. "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what. We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up."
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final exam that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the exam for 5 minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. Now I'm checking my answers.
BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7:00 A M." Signed, The Blonde. She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note... "Here's your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians, With Their Translated "Country" Definitions:
Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
Bass -- The things you run around in softball
Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
Cut Time -- Parole
Order of Sharp -- What a wimp gets at the bar
Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes," or "Dori-toes"
Minor Third -- Your approximate grade at the completion of formal schooling
Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
12-Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
Trill -- What's usually found on Blueberry Hill
A little challenge for the brain. See how YOU do.
WHAT DO YOU PUT IN A TOASTER?
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ANSWER: BREAD.... IF YOU SAID "TOAST" THEN GIVE UP NOW AND GO AND FIND YOURSELF A SHOE BOX AS YOU CAN'T HANDLE LIFE....
IF YOU SAID "BREAD" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ON TO QUESTION 2 .
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(Q2) SAY "SILK" 5 TIMES, NOW SPELL "SILK".....WHAT DO COWS DRINK?
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ANSWER: "WATER"
IF YOU SAID "MILK," THEN MAY I SUGGEST THAT YOU DO NOT TRY THE NEXT QUESTION, AS IT MAY SEEM THAT YOUR BRAIN CELL IS OVER - TAXED, YOU NEED A HOLIDAY...MAY I SUGGEST CHILDREN'S WORLD?
IF YOU SAID "WATER" THEN YOU MAY GO ONTO QUESTION 3 .
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(Q3) IF A RED HOUSE IS MADE FROM RED BRICKS, A BLUE HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLUE BRICKS, A PINK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF PINK BRICKS, A BLACK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLACK BRICKS.... WHAT IS A GREEN HOUSE MADE OUT OF?
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ANSWER: "GLASS" IF YOU SAID "GREEN BRICKS" THEN WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE READING THESE QUESTIONS!!!!
IF YOU SAID "GLASS" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ONTO QUESTION 4 .
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(Q4) 20 YEARS AGO A PLANE IS FLYING AT 20,000 FT, OVER THE OLD COUNTRY GERMANY WHEN 2 OF THE ENGINES FAIL, THE PILOT REALIZING THAT THE LAST REMAINING ENGINE WAS FAILING, HE DECIDES A CRASH LANDING PROCEDURE, BUT UNFORTUNATELY THE ENGINE FAILS BEFORE TIME AND THE PLANE CRASHES SMACK BANG IN THE MIDDLE OF "NO MANS LAND" THE LAND BETWEEN EAST GERMANY AND WEST GERMANY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BERLIN WALL, ..... WHERE WOULD YOU BURY THE SURVIVORS EAST GERMANY, WEST GERMANY OR IN "NO MANS LAND"? !
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ANSWER: YOU DON'T BURY "SURVIVORS" IF YOU SAID ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN PLEASE NEVER FLY, YOU MAY CAUSE MORE DAMAGE SHOULD THE PLANE CRASH!!!
IF YOU SAID THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN CARRY ON TO QUESTION 5 .
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Q5) IF ON A CLOCK THE HOUR HAND MOVES 1/60th OF A DEGREE EVERY MINUTE THEN HOW MANY DEGREES WILL THE HOUR HAND TRAVEL IN 1 HOUR?
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ANSWER: "1 DEGREE" IF YOU SAID "360 DEGREES", OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE ANSWER, MAY I CONGRATULATE YOU ON GETTING THIS FAR...BUT BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THE LAST AND FINAL QUESTION?
IF YOU SAID "1 DEGREE" THEN PLEASE GO ON TO THE LAST QUESTION .
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Q6) **WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR** YOU ARE DRIVING A BUS FROM LONDON TO MILFORD HAVEN (WALES) IN LONDON 17 PEOPLE GET ON THE BUS, IN READING 6 PEOPLE GET OFF, 9 PEOPLE GET ON, IN SWINDON 2 PEOPLE GET OFF, 4 PEOPLE GET ON, IN CARDIFF 11 PEOPLE GET OFF, 16 PEOPLE GET ON, IN SWANSEA 3 PEOPLE GET OFF, 5 PEOPLE GET ON, IN CARMARTHEN, 6 PEOPLE GET OFF,3 PEOPLE GET ON THE BUS THEN PULLS INTO MILFORD HAVEN BUS DEPOT.....
WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE BUS DRIVER?
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ANSWER: "YOUR NAME." READ THE FIRST LINE
The Female Mind
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
- Vince Staten
A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw 9 old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked.
He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were 9 naked old ladies laying in the sun on the front lawn.
The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.
Just as Evil
ANGERED BY SNUBBING; LIBYA, CHINA, SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs
(Beijing) - Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.
(stolen from ratdogman at another board)
Just plain corny
1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!, A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
installers – another kind of "Ole"mpics!
There was a North Dakota phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys.
So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.
They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.
The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Ole, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got in t’ree."
The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"
"Yah," said Ole, "but yew should see how much dey left stickin' outta da ground!"
WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT........
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
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My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire I noticed your cat. Sorry!
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You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
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Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
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Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be. But don't fret about it. She moved in with me
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"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"
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"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
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"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
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"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell..'til I met you."
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"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
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"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
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"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
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"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
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"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
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"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"
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"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
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"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
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"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
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"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
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"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
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"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket ....I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
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"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep."
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"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas, Mississippi, Oklahoma & North Carolina)
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed on all containers:
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
You Know You Are in a Texas Church When:
1. People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the fish were bass or catfish.
2. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
3. The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering and five guys stand up.
4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
6. When it rains, everyone is smiling.
7. Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
8. The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale."
9. The pastor wears boots.
10. Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
11. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
12. Baptism is referred to as "branding."
13. There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
14. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
15. High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
16. People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
17. The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"
ESWW Increases Order Bookings For Delivery In 2002
TELFORD, Pa.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Jan. 31, 2002--Environmental Solutions Worldwide, Inc. (ESW) (OTCBB: ESWW - news), a company that develops, manufactures, and sells environmental technologies, today announced that the Company has received purchase orders for its catalytic converter products from key and new customers totaling approximately $600,000 for the month of January 2002.
These new orders bring the total value of announced orders booked for delivery in 2002, to approximately $1,500,000.
Mr. Bengt Odner Chairman of ESW commented: ``With an outstanding month such as January, we believe that our sales and marketing efforts are beginning to have a positive effect on purchase orders received by the company. Coupled with the company wide cost saving measures that have recently been implemented, the company is ahead of its projected business plan for 2002. As these efforts gain further traction we will continue to focus on increasing our customer base while working to improve the quality and service levels provided to our existing clients.''
For updated information, please visit the Company's Web site at www.cleanerfuture.com.
This news release contains forward-looking statements within the meaning of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995 (The ``Act''). In particular, when used in the preceding discussion, the words ``pleased'' ``plan,'' ``confident that,'' ``believe,'' ``expect,'' or ``intend to,'' and similar conditional expressions are intended to identify forward looking statements within the meaning of the Act and are subject to the safe harbor created by the Act. Such statements are subject to certain risks and uncertainties and actual results could differ materially from those expressed in any of the forward-looking statements. Such risks and uncertainties include, but are not limited to, market conditions, general acceptance of the Company's products and technologies, competitive factors, the ability to successfully complete additional financings and other risks described in the Company's SEC reports and filings.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contact:
Environmental Solutions Worldwide Inc.
Bengt Odner, 215/721-2101
or
Ananda Capital Partners
Miron Leshem, 561/477-7751
shareholderinquiries@cleanerfuture.com
http://biz.yahoo.com/bw/020131/312209_1.html