MOM'S SECRET ROOM

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Two world famous statisticians and a not so famous statistician were slowly wandering on the ancient land between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers. All three were tired and their faces were aged and wrinkled from their long productive and exhaustive careers. Each wanted to show the others where the steel cache of his most celebrated work was buried in the sand. The first, R. A. Fisher located his marker and dug with trembling hands a six-foot hole and found his treasure...a reinforced heavy box containing sheet after sheet of journal studies using his Least Significant Difference (LSD) technique. All three smiled smugly and celebrated with muffled mumblings. The second, J. W. Tukey led the weary men about a mile further and spotted his marker. He dug furiously with every ounce of strength he could muster another six-foot hole. To no one's surprise, his prize box was uncovered with published paper after paper of results using his Honestly Significant Difference (HSD) method. All three again smiled smugly and celebrated with muffled mumblings. The group was now staggering in the sand and suffering severe thirst from the desert heat. However, the third statistician known only as Winsor, pleaded with the other two to go just a ways further. They reluctantly agreed and sure enough after a half mile, Winsor became elated and THOUGHT he spotted his marker. He began to slowly claw and toss the sand aside. After three hours he reached the six-foot depth ... but no cache. His mottled face was sweating from fatigue but he continued for another six feet...but alas, no cache. Winsor's body was now shaking violently from exhaustion but he insisted on going a final six feet (Eighteen feet in all). He pawed and flailed for six more hours and finally collapsed at the bottom ot the hole...but no hint of a cache. At the top of the hole Fisher and Tukey lay prostrate. They choked and sputtered obsenities for several minutes. Applications of the Winsorized Major Difference procedure were nowhere to be found!
The Lesson of This Story: NO WMD'S COULD BE FOUND....IT WAS ALL A MIRAGE!!!!

*I must admit to taking full responsibility for this unsettling tale. Isn't it strange that all the LSD's and HSD's were found but nary a WMD? Poor Winsor should have focused on his truncated distributions rather than attempt to produce WMD's!!

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Two random variables were gossiping and thought they were discrete by whispering but I heard their chatter continuously.
*Thanks go out to Dan Hayden for sending me this cute variation of a segment of Joke #28. However, Dan was discrete by not sending me his affiliation.

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"It has now been proven beyond a doubt that smoking is the major cause of statistics."
-Author Unknown
*Huh? It seems to me that I recall hearing another version of this statement. However, this certainly supports my opening paragraph in the Gallery that godzillions of statistics are created every day. Many thanks to Michele McIndoe for sending me this quote.

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What do you call a tea party with more than 30 people?
A Z party!!!

*This is a great one from Stacey Ecott. I always thought a Z party was a roomful of slumbering statisticians listening to a keynote address at a convention.

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How many tents will a campground hold?
Ten tenths since that adds up to a whole!!

*Sorry I lost the attribution on this one. However, you may wonder what this has to do with statistics. A possible incorrect answer to this question would be "one tenth (tent)" since in a one-way analysis of covariance with one covariate, the pooled within groups regression coefficient is not obtained by adding the seperate regression coefficients within each group but rather by dividing the pooled numerators of each of the within group coefficients by the pooled denominators of each of the within group coefficients. In our example, using regression-type pooling, 1/10 + 1/10 + 1/10 +... for ten terms = 10/100 or 1/10 but that is absurd! Now isn't that special! I am sure you followed me. Is it any wonder that students have trouble with statistics when they are presented with esoteric "word salad" like the above. Please don't take my ramblings seriously. I am only having FUN!!!

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A statistics professor dies and so the test scheduled for that day is cancelled.
A student rings the department at 5 minute intervals to ask if the test is on. The guy answering the phone asks him, "Why the bloody hell are you ringing so often? I've told you 16 times the professor has passed away! What are you doing, some sort of research, are you experimenting on me? What the bloody hell is it?"

"Nah, the student replies, no research. I just like to hear you say it."

*This ia another Hal Ashburner joke from down under. It sure makes statisticians feel unwanted!

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The statistician was asked by his friend why he always used the urinal on the far end.
He replied: "Oh, that is a no brainer. There is half the probablity of being sprayed by someone else."

*Once again this illustrates how repressed statisticians are. They would never be caught in the middle of a group for fear the person on either side would strike up a conversation. Thanks to Graeme Quinlan from Australia for passing this on.

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A consulting statistician and his client sat down together for the first time.
Client: "I desparately need your help interpreting the significant three-way interaction in this factorial ANOVA. What are your fees?"

Statistician: "One hundred dollars for three questions."

Client: "Isn't that a little steep?"

Statistician: "Not really! Now what is your third question?"

*The client's third question was probably "Where is the door"? This is a sad situation where lack of two-way interation prevented the discussion of three-way interaction! Yes, I admit this one is all mine!

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A statistics professor was completing what he thought was a very inspiring lecture on the importance of significance testing in today's world. A young nursing student in the front row sheepishly raised her hand and said, " But sir, why do nurses have to take statistics courses?"
The professor thought for a few seconds and replied, "Young lady, statistics saves lives!"

The nursing student was utterly surprised and after a short pause retorted, "But sir, please tell us how statistics saves lives!"

"Well," the professor's voice grew loud and somewhat angry, "STATISTICS KEEPS ALL THE IDIOTS OUT OF THE NURSING PROFESSION!!!"

*I was always told by professors in other disciplines that statistics was the ultimate screening device. The frequency of occurence of this question in my introductory statistics course prompted me to write this joke. I think it is wonderful that statistics truly does save lives but how can I give this response to a music therapy major?

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STATISTICS IS THE TAMING OF RANDOMNESS.
*Aha! Now I know the raison d'etre for our beloved field. I wonder, however, if statistics had never evolved, would the earth still be a primordial swamp? Thanks Dietrich Trenkler from the University of Osnabruck for this insightful contribution.

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A patient asked his surgeon what the odds were of him surviving an impending operation. The doctor replied they were 50/50 but he'd be all right because the first fifty had already died!!
*There are a lot of variations of this theme floating around. It reminds me of the coin flipping experiment where a gambler is certain that a tail must appear after ten straight heads. Anyway, thanks to Peter Davies from Oxon in the UK for sending me this little tidbit.

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What's black, brown and red and looks good on a Statistics Professor?
A Doberman.

*Now that is strange. I thouht a Doberman was a fine cashmere sweater! Anyway, thanks again to Hal Ashburner for this rather sick joke.

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Did you hear about the eccentric Statistics Professor that ran frantically through a hotel lobby wearing only Jockey briefs with a cell phone in one hand?
He was desparately looking for a bathrobe. His stock broker had just called him and warned him to COVER HIS SHORTS!!!!

*The current 2002 bear stock market inspired me to write this little quip. It seems that when we have a rare up day it is attributed to investors covering their shorts. I knew I should have taken that job with Jockey Underwear a year ago selling shorts door-to-door!!!

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Who is the most famous Statistician?
George Washington. He claimed he never told a lie and got away with it!

*This is a cute little twist on an old standard. My thanks go out to Hal Ashburner from down under in Sydney, Australia for sending me this nifty little tweek.

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Did you hear about the time Pearson was caught for talking out of turn at a statistical conference about discordant relationships?
I guess he was accused of taking Yule's Q!

*Wow! This has to be one of the most obscure indices you will ever find in the statistical literature. However, one could always say, "IT WAS THERE FOR THE TAKING." Thanks to John Hansen, a doctoral student at Indiana University, for sending this rare gem.

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Why were so many CEOs who held doctorates in accounting fired in 2002 from their companies?
They used "COOKBOOK" texts in their stat courses and decided to practice their "DOCTORING" skills!!

*I really do not want to blame the collegiate accounting programs for all the corporate woes of America. The indiscretions are probably due to simple red-green color blindness or maybe the failure to recognize the existence of a negative number. On second thought, could it just be old-fashioned greed?

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A friend of mine told me the other day that my statistics students must really hate me. The friend informed me that a student complained to him that my last test was so hard that EVERYONE scored below the mean and even the standard deviation was NEGATIVE! The student, however, told my friend he was a wee bit optimistic. His score was so low that he just knew that it would regress toward the mean on the next test!!
*Well, I am proud that my test set two new world records in the annals of statistics. On the other hand, maybe I should carefully go over the teaching notes that cover these topics. Anyway, a big thank you goes out to Steven C. Marcus for suggesting this joke. Steve, I hope you don't mind the embellishments that were tacked on.

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A young woman is telling her friend about a new man she is dating. The friend says, "What does he do for a living?"
"He's a statistician," the first girl replies.

"A statistician? Wallowing in numbers all day? He must be awfully boring!" says the friend.

"We-ell," says the first girl defensively, "It's not the numbers that matter. I Love what he does with them."

*Erica Heffernan sent this joke to me all the way from Sydney, Australia to conteract some of the "lame" jokes in the Gallery. Thanks, Erica but I may have to mail you a single crutch for this one. Any comments from the readers?

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Why did the Statisticians trounce the Accountants by a score of 56-0 in their annual football game?
The Statisticians employed a BALANCED DESIGN in their offense and effectively used risk in their playbook whereas the Accountants ran only one play ENDRUN and kept risk entirely OFF their playBOOK!!!

*I just had to get this dig in at the Accountants. Statisticians may look down at their shoes a lot but they are only verifying they are on a good foundation.

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Why did the statistician do such a horrid job of laying tile on his bathroom floor?
He incorrectly PARTITIONED SOME OF THE SQUARES!!

*This explains why you never see a statistician's bathroom featured in BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS!

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Why are the mean, median, and mode like a valuable piece of real estate?
LOCATION! LOCATION! LOCATION!

*All you beginning students of statistics just remember that measures of central tendency are all POINTS on the score scale as oppposed to measures of variability which are all DISTANCES on the score scale. Understand this maxim and you will always know where you are LOCATED!

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A researcher asked an experienced statistician what procedure should be used to obtain the correlation between two normally distributed variables that were artificially dichotomized. Why did the researcher suddenly rush from the statistician's office and run straight to the pharmacy to buy a bottle of carbon tet cleaning fluid?
The statistician told him a TETRACHORIC SOLUTION was appropriate for his problem!!!

*If you don't get this joke don't despair. The tetrachoric coefficient is legitimate but is rarely used in modern practice. I happen to own a crumpled original monograph by Thurstone that presents a table for computing this index. Any bidders out there before I auction the item on Ebay?

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A physicist, a geologist, and a statistician are talking about whose field is the most fundamental. The geologist says his is because it starts with the creation of the Earth. The physicist says his is the most fundamental because his field starts with the chaos in the universe even before the Earth was formed. The statistician smugly says, "And who do you think caused the chaos?"
*Gee, I spent my entire career teaching students a tool that breeds chaos. I would much prefer to think that I taught them something that created well organized mayhem!! (Only kidding). Anyway, thanks to Arnie Diamond for sending me this joke.

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A LOTTERY IS A TAX ON PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND STATISTICS!!
*How True!! How True!! Thanks go out to Alvaro Montenegro Garcia for this contribution.

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THE RELATIVE IMPORTANCE OF STATISTICS:
Albert Einstein died, and found himself on the train to heaven. In his car, there were four men sitting on separate benches. He walked up to the first who said, "Hello! My name is Bob, and I have an IQ of 186." Einstein smiled brilliantly, and said "Ah-hah! We shall discuss quantum physics together!"

The second man greeted him with "Hello, sir. My name is Edward, and my IQ is 150." Einstein smiled, replying "Excellent! We shall discuss mathematics together."

Moving on, Einstein shook hands with the third man, who said, "Hello; my name is William, and my IQ is 119." Smiling again, Einstein replied "Very good! We shall talk together about European history."

The last man looked up glumly as Einstein approached, and said "Hi, my name's Chuck, and my IQ's only 87." Einstein replied sadly "I see-- we shall have to discuss statistics."

* Hmmh! I wonder if Einstein was really dissing the statistical profession or intent on giving Chuck a lesson on the Gaussian curve and telling him gently why he could never become a Gauss? Many thanks to John Schafer for including this joke when he signed my Guestbook.

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ARGUING WITH A STATISTICIAN IS A LOT LIKE WRESTLING WITH A PIG. AFTER A FEW HOURS YOU BEGIN TO REALIZE THE PIG LIKES IT.
*We now know that statisticians, among their many other outstanding talents, are also skilled debaters. Thanks go out to Steve Carlson of Bedford, NH for forwarding this joke to me.

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THE TRUE BELL CURVE - The distribution of SUCCESS in life in relationship to AGE follows a true bell curve (Modified July 8, 2005):
At age 5 success is not peeing in your pants

At age 10 success is having friends in many many places

At age 16 success is having a driver's license and no moving violations

At age 20 success is having sex but harboring a variety of anxieties about it

At age 35 success is having money to pay cash for a turbocharged Porsche Carrera GT

At age 50 success is having money to pay cash for a turbocharged Porsche Carrera GT

At age 65 success is having sex but harboring a variety of anxieties about it

At age 70 success is having a driver's license and no moving violations

At age 75 success is having friends in many many places

At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants

*Thanks again to my colleague Jazzbo Johnson for suggesting this hilarious joke as it was related to him by a friend. It is displayed in gold because it represents the century mark for this Joke Gallery. What a milestone for this site! When I first conceived the notion of a Statistics Joke Gallery about four years ago there probably existed less than a handful of such jokes. At the time I thought that if 25 jokes could be accumulated in five years it would be a huge success. But WOW! We have now reached 100 and the site has become the envy of the statistical profession. Many thanks to all the contributors and keep the jokes coming.

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A man was in a hot-air balloon. Soon he found himself lost with nothing but green fields for as far as the eye could see. Eventually, he happened to float over a man who was walking his dog.
He leaned over the basket and yelled out, "Hello! Where am I?"

The man on the ground replied, "You're about 20 feet above the ground in a hot- air balloon."

The balloonist cursed him and shouted back, "You must be a statistician."

"Why do you say that?" asked the man on the ground.

"Well," shouted the balloonist, "You're absolutely correct but your answer was completely useless."

"Oh I see," replied the walker, "And you must be a manager."

"Actually, you're right," said the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the walker, "First you were lost. Then, after working out what information you needed to sort yourself out, you asked someone else to get it for you. Now, that you have the information, you're still lost, but it's someone else's fault."

*This clever little twist on an earlier joke was sent to me by Gareth Jones of the University of Manchester in the UK. Three cheers for the statistician's quick retort.

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A statistician always HAS SOMETHING TO SAY with numbers while a politician always HAS TO SAY SOMETHING with numbers!
*The late Dr. James B. Stroud of the University of Iowa and the 2000 presidential election inspired me to write this truism. Maybe I should hide behind a BUSH so I won't get GORED!!

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Three ladies, formerly roommates at college met monthly for lunch. This month's topic of conversation turned to catching husbands. Sue said she was going to take advantage of the upcoming 3-day weekend to fly to Acapulco and scout the pool at Club Med. Julie said she was going to bite the bullet and sign herself up at one of those video dating services. Kate said she was flying to Chicago for the International Conference of Statisticians. Sue looked puzzled; Julie said, "Huh?" Kate responded by telling them that 86% of Statisticians were single males under the age of 37. Sue said, "Wow! Odds are good!" Julie said, "Yeah, but the goods are odd."
*I love this little joke! Darryl Fiorina sent me this and I really wanted to thank him but he included an invalid email address. If you are out there Darryl please contact me or I may have to conclude that you are odd goods!!

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Have you heard about the statistics joke gone horribly wrong?
Even the undergrads could understand it!!

*Hmmh! I always thought the critical attribute of a good statistics joke was its backward compatibility with undergraduates. Oh well!! A big thanks to Kathleane Kaczor a biology major at USU for sharing this bit of humor even though she was shocked that I liked it.

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What is the difference between an introverted and extraverted statistician?
The introverted statistician stares DOWN at his shoes whereas the extraverted statistician stares OVER at your shoes!!!

*Well you have to admit the angle of sight has been elevated a tad but then statisticians are a pretty repressed profession. However, I can take great comfort in what a wise man once said, "You can tell a lot about the character of a man by the appearance of his shoes." For all you so-called "Experts on Shoes" try this little fun test The New and Improved Expert Shoe Salesperson Quiz.

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A prisoner had just been sentenced for a heinous crime and was returned to his cell. An inquisitive guard could not wait to ask him about the outcome.
Guard:"What did you get for a sentence?"
Prisoner: "I could choose life or 100 years."
Guard: "And what did you choose?"
Prisoner: "Well, life, obviously. Statistically speaking that is shorter."

*This convict obviously knew a little about statistics but was lacking in common sense. Thanks go out to Coen Bernaards from UCLA for sending this one my way.

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Five statisticians were selected by the World Unified Statistical Society (WUSS) to participate in a four-week televised reality program. The stakes were high with the survivor receiving a million dollar check and a Cray Super Computer. These statisticians represented the very best minds in their subfields and were picked on the basis of their uncanny abilities to utilize divergent thinking. The five were a Biometrician, a Psychometrician, an Actuary, a Pollster, and a Professor of Statistics. Each was given a pocket calculator and a box of Ritz crackers and airlifted to a small uninhabited atoll in the South Pacific. Each week for three weeks one statistician was voted off the island and at the end of the fourth week the entire membership of WUSS voted on the winner from the remaining twosome. Can you pick the survivor and ultimate champion?
THERE WERE NO SURVIVORS!!! After the third day all had perished and the program was cancelled. The million dollars was given to Statisticians Anonymous (SA) and the Cray Computer was donated to Good Will Industries.

* What a sad ending to such a valiant effort by this prestigious organization to publicize the statistical profession!!! Oh, I just remembered I let my membership in WUSS lapse last year.

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As a biologist, a physicist, and a statistician are riding on a train through Wisconsin, they pass a herd of cows, one of which is completely white. "Oh look, there are white cows in Wisconsin," says the biologist. "You mean," says the physicist with an air of superiority, "there is at least one white cow in Wisconsin." "No," says the statistician, "there is at least one cow in Wisconsin that's white on at least one side!"
*This is a new slant on an older stat joke! Thanks to Steve George of Amherst College who was told this by the late Julian Gibbs a chemist and former president of Amherst.

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We all have heard that statisticians lie with statistics. What do insomniacs do with statistics?
They kick them out of bed!!!!

*Does that mean insomniacs never count sheep? I hope you like my twist to this old notion about statisticians.

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One day a consulting statistician just remembered that a client was waiting for a set of frequency poylgon CHARTS.They needed to be delivered immediately. Since the weather was humid and sticky the statistician threw on a tee-shirt and some wrinkled SHORTS and rushed out the door. Somewhat discombombulated, he jumped into his car and roared down the road at a high rate of speed. As he rounded a sharp curve, he suddenly took one hand off the wheel and his car veered out of control and tumbled into the ditch. The poor statistician was seriously injured.
Why in the world did a statistician take such a risk and take one hand off the wheel?

He just remembered that he wanted to do some FREE-HAND SMOOTHING OF HIS SCHARTS!

*Why didn't the statistician just touch them up with an iron before he left? I guess I may also need to touch up my jokes from now on since my friends failed to crack a smile on this one!

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In a statistics class an instructor had just delivered what he thought was a very scintillating presentation on two-variable regression analysis. He looked up from the glare of the overhead projector and noticed that a student in the back of the classroom was in a semi-snooze. This proved too much for the instructor's ego and he scowled angrily at the student. He said," Young man I want you to answer a question about this problem. For a person with an X-value of 45, is the predicted Y-value above or below the subgroup Y-mean?"
The dazed student looked up for ten seconds then responded,"Yes."

The instructor could not believe his ears and quickly snapped back, "Young man this is not a yes-no question! Just say above or below."

The student responded, "Above or below!"

The instructor answered, "Yes."

The student was wide awake now and retorted, "SIR, THAT WAS MY ORIGINAL ANSWER."

*Thanks to my colleague and good friend Elmer Lemke for reminding me of this answer he once got on a comprehensive examination. Of course, I took the liberty to augment and embellish this story.

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A traveler trudged down a dusty road alongside a pasture. Seeing a shepherd shouting and whistling at his sheepdog rounding up a flock of sheep, the traveler shouted "I BET YOU A HUNDRED BUCKS AGAINST ONE OF YOUR SHEEP I CAN GUESS THE SIZE OF YOUR FLOCK."
The shepherd agreed to the bet. The traveler then yelled loudly, "Nine hundred forty two," exactly the number in the flock.

The traveler then picked out his prize and trudged down the road, but the shepherd shouted after him: "I BET I KNOW WHAT YOU DO!"

The traveler agreed to another wager about this matter, and the shepherd then stated, "You're a STATISTICIAN."

The traveler was startled. "How did you know?????"

The shepherd replied, "Well, put down my dog, and I'll tell you."

*Thanks to George Moxley of Virginia Commonwealth University for contributing this joke to the Gallery. Most of my friends failed to see any humor in this anecdote. I guess only statisticians with a sheepdog would understand the levity here!

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Two students were walking out of statistics class one day. One was grinning ear to ear and the other was frowning woefully. The one that was grinning said, " Boy the instructor sure gave an inspired lecture on hypothesis testing today. He said that out of the four outcomes that can occur when you test the null hypothesis, two are correct decisions and two are errors. He praised this procedure as the Holy Grail of statistical analysis."
The other student looked at his classmate in dismay. He stated, "Well I certainly was not impressed with his lecture and totally disagree with him. ANY STATISTICAL PROCEDURE FOR MAKING A CORRECT DECISION THAT IS NO BETTER THAN FLIPPING A COIN IS PRETTY BAD!!!"

*This discussion would make Neyman turn over in his grave. Please Sir Ronald don't force me to reject or not reject my joke!!!

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Did you hear the one about the sign outside the statistics lab?
"DANGER Enter at your own risk. Informavore feeding frenzy in progress."

*Thanks to Bill Shelton for sharing this cute little joke with us. Is an informavore similar to a carnivore?

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There were four technicians travelling in a car, until it broke down.
The statistician was the first to react and proclaimed to his colleagues that there was no problem. "Let me explain. The car works fine. It is 6 years old, has run up 200,000 miles, and the engine has run perfectly for 5000 hours. The problem is experimental error and should be forgotten about!"

The second technician, being a mechanical engineer, and not so easily fooled decided the alternator was malfunctioning. Unable to fix it, he turned to his colleague the electrical engineer for help.

This guy decided that the ignition was the problem, but after some tinkering was also unable to fix the problem.

Finally, the computer scientist smugly looked at the other technicians and calmly suggested that everyone should get out of the car, then get back inside again!!

*Is this like erasing a corrupted hard drive and reinstalling a corrupted operating system? Many thanks to Patrick DuBoucher from Cork Ireland who sent me this joke and signed my guestbook as "student." Hmm, I wonder if a t-test would have fixed the car??

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A One-Way ANOVA and a Two-Way ANOVA were talking shop one day. The One-Way said, "I sure do envy the interaction you have with your variables."
The Two-Way frowned and replied, "Yah, but the minute it diminishes to any significant extent they really become independent and go their own separate ways."

*Bet you didn't know that ANOVAS could talk! I had to get their permission to print this.

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Did you hear about the statistics professor that suddenly turned bearish and sold off all his stocks?
His department chair told him that severe grade inflation had occurred in his courses and interest rates among the students had skyrocketed!!!

*The poor professor should have consulted with Dr. Greenhouse, er pardon me, Dr. Greenspan before taking such a conservative approach!!! This is my contribution to get the year 2000 rolling.

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A statistician suddenly became despondent because he feared his five-year old computer was not Year-2000 compliant. Since statisticians by nature are frugal, he consulted a mail order catalog thinking he might find something within his price range. He was surprised to see just what he wanted on the very first page. The advertisement read, "The Little Red Devil specially priced at $10.00 until Jan.1, 2000! This exceptional machine is fully Y2K compliant and ships with SPSS pre-loaded. Hurry while supply lasts."
The statistician was overjoyed and immediately ordered the "The Little Red Devil."

When the package arrived in several days, he was quite concerned that it was very small and weighed only several pounds. Nevertheless, he quickly unwrapped the package and skimmed off all the peanut-foam packing. There cradled in the box staring him squarely in the face in all its splendor and glory was a red Etch-A-Sketch!!! Underneath the Etch-A-Sketch lie a single yellow sheet of technical Instructions.

The statistician angrily pulled the sheet out and began reading the list of troubleshooting questions and answers.


THE LITTLE RED DEVIL-MODEL Y2K
Q: My Little Red Devil has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn off my Little Red Devil?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document Window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: Why is there only 2K of memory?
A: This is just enough to recharge the magnetic field every 1000 years.

Q: How do I launch SPSS with my Little Red Devil?
A: Shake it, Put it down, Shake it again, and then Shake it once more vigorously.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Little Red Devil?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Little Red Devil?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save a document on my Little Red Devil?
A: Don't shake it.

Finally, if you have any further questions not covered by the above, call our toll-free hot line at 1-800-SHAKEIT.

By now the statistician was furious and he slammed the Etch-A-Sketch to the ground and shattered the high resolution screen into thousands of pieces. He boiled for several minutes then went directly to his study closet, tugged on a musty box, and pulled out his heavy Marchant rotary calculator from the 1960's!!

*Just had to get a Y2K joke into the Gallery before this whole page evaporates into the ether on January 1. A big thank you to Alan Kline from the HERKY listserv for suggesting a similar joke which I took the liberty to modify extensively.

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What is the difference between a statistician and a mortician?
Nobody's dying to see the statistician!

*Thanks to Tom Mortino from Nichols College for this morbid piece of humor.

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An engineer, consultant and statistician were driving down a steep mountain road in County Donegal one evening. All of a sudden the brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. But half way down, the driver somehow managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding going over a very steep cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The consultant said: "To fix this problem we need to organise a committee, have meetings, write several interim reports and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said: "No! That would take far too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty penknife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The statistician said: "No - you're both wrong! Let's all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again. We only have an N of 1 here!!"

*Ah, replication is the life blood of a statistician. My daughter Vicki who works at Corporate McDonalds relayed me this cute joke.

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Did you hear about the statistician who was about to analyze data gathered from a nudist colony? He didn't know whether to use a one or a two-tailed test!!!!
*This joke was told to me by my good friend and colleague Jazzbo Johnson a counseling psychologist in the Psychology Department at Illinois State University. He assured me that it meets all the standards for a PG rated joke!

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One day the variance and the standard deviation were engaged in a heated argument over which was the better measure of variability.
The standard deviation shouted at the variance, "You are useless because you don't even relate to the original score scale."

The variance glared back and yelled, " Oh yeah! You are totally worthless because you are far too radical."

Just then the mean deviation stepped between the two indices and pushed them both back. In a proud voice the mean deviation proclaimed,"You are both wrong! I am ABSOLUTELY the best measure of variability since both of you would be worth ZERO if you didn't square your deviations!!!!"

*OK this may not bring down the house with laughter. I still have a place in my heart for the antiquated mean deviation because of its intuitive nature. I believe students can see a rationale for both S and S2 if MD is introduced first.

[ONEBGG]

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?

Willie and Boris.

Willie Boris who?

Willie Boris with his stat lecture today?

*OK this one is really lame. But have any of you heard a "Knock! Knock!" statistics joke lately? This may be a first. Send me some and I will replace this with one of higher quality.