Replies to post #175443 on Rants and Raves

[teapeebubbles]

but our heat is free from the sun

[teapeebubbles]

Signs that you are no longer a kid (or even close)...

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word equity means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

[teapeebubbles]

DR SEUSS ON AGING

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad -- can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass.

[teapeebubbles]

Fireworks banned in France

Associated Press

PARIS, France -- The French government announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney until further notice following last night's fireworks display that caused more than 5,000 soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.

[teapeebubbles]

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Chris! Why you a sucha fat a boy?"
Chris says, "Poppa, it'sa Mama's spaghetti! I can'ta stop a eating it."
Poppa says, "You shoulda take a smaller bites!"
Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you a sucha fat a boy?"
Michael says, "Poppa, it'sa Mama's lasagna. I can'ta stop a eating it, it'sa so good."
Poppa says, "You shoulda also take a smaller bites."
Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you a stay so slim and a trim?"
Fredo says, "It'sa so easy, Poppa. I eat lots and lotsa p*ussy."
Poppa says, "P*ussy? P*ussy, taste a like sh!t!"
Fredo says, "Poppa, You shoulda take a smaller bites!"

[teapeebubbles]

j4 decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario. "I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you." He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground. The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

[teapeebubbles]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[teapeebubbles]

After a long night of making love, j4 notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?", he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all, " she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to
be reassured.

"No, no, no!!! she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?", he demands.

"Well, that's me before the surgery."

[teapeebubbles]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

[teapeebubbles]

It seems that j4's life goes by resembling somewhat of a bell curve of what is considered successful...

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

[teapeebubbles]

j4 returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"