Replies to post #175442 on Rants and Raves

[teapeebubbles]

u can acclimatize really fast

[teapeebubbles]

j4 walked into a bar in Kentucky and orders a mudslide. The
bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are
ya?" "No," replies j4, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender looks
at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist," said j4. The bartender, looking very
bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"

j4 says, "I mount animals." The bartender stands back and hollers
to the whole bar ... "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

[teapeebubbles]

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.

Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.)

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.

Ya gotta love this guy.

[teapeebubbles]

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX.....

(now I understand why j4 goes)

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood.

[teapeebubbles]

TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY... (oh I'd dearly luv to see j4 w/one)

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

[teapeebubbles]

j4's Penis Requests a Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

[teapeebubbles]

j4 went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is.

The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work?

It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."

[teapeebubbles]

Top Ten Reasons j4 Went To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

[teapeebubbles]

North Dakota Women won't tolerate j4, read why...

Three men were traveling and happened to meet at bar in Ohio.

One man was from Texas,one from Florida and one from North Dakota.
They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives,who had careers outside the home.

The guy from Texas began by saying "I told my wife clearly that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking.

Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing.
The second day I saw nothing, but on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from Florida spoke up "I sat my wife down and told her that from now on she would have to do all the grocery shopping and all of the house cleaning.

The first day I saw nothing.
The second day I saw nothing.
But the third day, when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries."

The fellow from North Dakota was married to a woman who had grown up in ND all her life. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said.

"I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and house cleaning.
Well, the first day I saw nothing.
The second day I saw nothing.
But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

[teapeebubbles]

j4 are u still awake?

[teapeebubbles]

Updated: 8:56 PM MST on August 14, 2011
Phoenix
98.2° F
Scattered Clouds
Wind: Calm mph
Humidity: 27%
HeatIndex: 98° F
Dewpoint: 58° F
Pressure: 29.89 in
UV: 0 out of 16
Clouds:
SCT at 10000 ft
SCT at 25000 ft
Visibility: 10.0 miles



Tonight: Partly cloudy. A slight chance of showers and thunderstorms in the evening mainly north and far east valleys. Lows 76 to 86. West wind around 5 mph in the evening becoming southeast 5 to 10 mph after midnight. Chance of measurable rain 10 percent.


Monday: Mostly sunny. Highs 101 to 106. Southeast wind 5 to 10 mph in the morning becoming southwest in the afternoon.