Replies to post #175029 on Rants and Raves

[teapeebubbles]

Updated: 12:50 PM MST on August 14, 2011
Phoenix
100.7° F
Scattered Clouds
Wind: Calm mph
Humidity: 26%
HeatIndex: 101° F
Dewpoint: 59° F
Pressure: 29.97 in
UV: 9 out of 16
Clouds:
FEW at 8000 ft
SCT at 12000 ft
SCT at 15000 ft
SCT at 18000 ft
SCT at 25000 ft
Visibility: 10.0 miles



Today: Partly sunny in the morning...then becoming mostly sunny. Highs 102 to 107. Light wind in the morning becoming south around 5 mph in the afternoon.


Tonight: Partly cloudy. A slight chance of showers and thunderstorms. Strong gusty winds and areas of blowing dust possible. Lows 76 to 86. West wind 5 to 10 mph. Chance of measurable rain 10 percent.

[teapeebubbles]

when r u gonna get sumah wedah temps there?

[teapeebubbles]

The doctor said, "Steve, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You
have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."



Steve was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.



When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new
life. Steve saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."



He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Steve laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business over 60 years" Steve tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.



As Steve admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Steve thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Steve and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Steve was surprised, "That's right, how did you
know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Steve tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.



As Steve adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Steve was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Steve's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2E." Steve was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Steve tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.



Steve walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Steve thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Steve's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Steve laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old" The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache

[teapeebubbles]

j4 has a complete sex change operation. His friend is questioning him:

"Wow, did it hurt when they cut your chest open and inserted the implants.

"Nah," was the reply.

"Man, surely it hurt when they cut off your dong and replaced it with that huge gash?"

"Nope, nothin to it...didn't feel a thing...the only thing that hurt was when they put that hose in my ear and sucked all my brains out."

[teapeebubbles]

Application for Permission to Live in New Hampshire

NAME: _________________________________________________

ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
White ( )

TYPE OF CARS OWNED:
Pickup Truck ( )
You don't own any Foreign cars, do you? NO ( )

CAR EQUIPMENT:
Gun Rack ( ) Stash ( ) CB ( ) Beer Holder( )
Playboy air freshener ( )

BUMPER STICKERS:
"Ex-wife in trunk" ( )
"If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns" ( )
"Bush/Quayle" ( )
"Sh it Happens" ( )
"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk" ( )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual ( )

FAVORITE CAUSE: NRA ( ) Prolife ( )

Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________

FAVORITE DRUGS:
Grass ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?: (check all that apply)
Democrats ( ) Welfare ( ) N.O.W. ( )

FAVORITE BEER:
Miller ( ) Michelob ( ) Bud ( )

FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
Don't Care ( )

CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
NRA ( )

How Automatic Weapons do you own? 5 ( ) 10 ( ) More than that ( )

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Benny Hill ( )

[teapeebubbles]

WEST VIRGINIA STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name: (last) _____________
(first) (_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

CB Handle: _____________________

Occupation:
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Un-employed
(_)Coal Miner

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
___ Number of refrigerators on front porch

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup: _________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Gun World

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Holidays
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)No teeth
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
(_)can't get there from here

Reason for continued residence in West Virginia:
(_) can't bear to leave brother's behind
(_) daddy won't give me my pants back
(_) liberal wife beating laws

BUMPER STICKERS:
___ Eat more Possum ___ My other car is a piece of sh it too
___ Honk if you love Jesus ___ If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't sh it
___ Red-man Chewing Tobacco ___ Wave if you're ho rny

Favorite Recreation:
___ Square Dancin' ___ Possum Huntin' ___ Skinny Dippin'
___ Craw Daddin' ___ Gospel Singin' ___ 4-Wheelin'
___ Drankin' ___ Spittin' Backy ___ Bill Chip Trowin'
___ Honky Tonkin' ___ Noodlin' ___ Other

Number of Dogs: ___ Type: ___ Blue Tick ___ Beagle
___ Black & Tan ___ Bird Dawg

Cap Emblem: ___ John Deere ___ McCulloch Chain Saws ___ Budweiser
___ Vo-Tech ___ Skoal ___ Coors
___ NAPA ___ Smile if you're Not Wearing Underwear

Memberships:
___ KKK ___ NRA ___ Moose ___ PTL Club ___ AA
___ Bass Club ___ VFW ___ Quiltin' Bee ___ American Legion
___ United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
___ John Birch Society

Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
___ B.O. ___ Crabs ___ Head Lice ___ Rabies
___ Trench Mouth ___ Runny Nose ___ Bad Breath ___ Chafing

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APPLICATION TO LIVE IN ARKANSAS

Name:_______________________________________________________________
Nickname:___________________________ CB Handle:____________________

Address (RFD):______________________________________________________

Daddy (if unknown afix list of 3 suspects):_________________________

Neck colour:____ [] Light Red [] Medium Red [] Dark Red [] Other

Number of teeth exposed in full grin:_______ Upper:_____ Lower:____

Make of Pickup:_________________________ Tire Size:_________________

Hounds:_____________ Type: [] Blue Tick [] Beagle [] Black and Tan

Length of right leg:__________ Length of left leg:__________
other:_________

How many cars/makes in front yard? _________________________________
How many on blocks? ________________________________________________

How many kitchen appliances on front porch? ________________________
back porch? _________________________

When and where was your last "Elvis" sighting? _____________________
____________________________________________________________________

Do you wear mostly polyester pants with snags? [] Yes [] No

Are you married to any of the following? (circle all that apply)

-Sister -Cousin -Cousin's Sister

-Other, Explain:____________________________________________________

Have you EVER had more than one bath a week?
[] No [] Yes, Explain:___________________________________________


*Medical Information*

Do you have at least two (2) of the following: [] B.O. [] Lice
[] Crabs [] Bad Breath [] Hoof in Mouth [] Scabs [] Fleas
[] Infected Tatoos [] Crossed eyes [] Runny Nose [] Green Teeth
[] Yellow Teeth [] Any Teeth [] Speach Impediment

*General Information*

Can you count past 20 without stripping? [] yes [] no [] never tried

Favorite Weapon: [] Tire Iron [] Pick Handle
[] Log Chain [] Shotgun

Favorite Pastime: [] Drinkin' [] Co on Huntin'
[] Fishin' [] Fuedin'[] Other

Truck equipped with: [] Gun Rack [] Fuzzbuster [] 8-Track
[] Rebel Flag [] Roll Bar [] C.B. Radio
[] Beer Cans [] Squirrel Tail [] Bull Horns

Favorite Vocalist: [] Elvis (the young Elvis)
[] Elvis (the old Elvis)
[] Elvis (dead)

Cap Emblems: [] John Deere [] CAT [] SKOAL [] Budweiser
[] Bud Dry [] Jack Daniels [] Teamsters local

Merberships: [] NRA [] VFW [] KKK [] 700 Club
[] B.P.O.E. [] Sine-aid Society

Do you vote? [] Yes [] No [] What's that?

Have you ever been in jail? [] Yes [] No [] Born there

Your Signature (one X will do):____________________________Date:_____

[teapeebubbles]

APPLICATION TO LIVE IN ARKANSAS

Name:_______________________________________________________________
Nickname:___________________________ CB Handle:____________________

Address (RFD):______________________________________________________

Daddy (if unknown afix list of 3 suspects):_________________________

Neck colour:____ [] Light Red [] Medium Red [] Dark Red [] Other

Number of teeth exposed in full grin:_______ Upper:_____ Lower:____

Make of Pickup:_________________________ Tire Size:_________________

Hounds:_____________ Type: [] Blue Tick [] Beagle [] Black and Tan

Length of right leg:__________ Length of left leg:__________
other:_________

How many cars/makes in front yard? _________________________________
How many on blocks? ________________________________________________

How many kitchen appliances on front porch? ________________________
back porch? _________________________

When and where was your last "Elvis" sighting? _____________________
____________________________________________________________________

Do you wear mostly polyester pants with snags? [] Yes [] No

Are you married to any of the following? (circle all that apply)

-Sister -Cousin -Cousin's Sister

-Other, Explain:____________________________________________________

Have you EVER had more than one bath a week?
[] No [] Yes, Explain:___________________________________________


*Medical Information*

Do you have at least two (2) of the following: [] B.O. [] Lice
[] Crabs [] Bad Breath [] Hoof in Mouth [] Scabs [] Fleas
[] Infected Tatoos [] Crossed eyes [] Runny Nose [] Green Teeth
[] Yellow Teeth [] Any Teeth [] Speach Impediment

*General Information*

Can you count past 20 without stripping? [] yes [] no [] never tried

Favorite Weapon: [] Tire Iron [] Pick Handle
[] Log Chain [] Shotgun

Favorite Pastime: [] Drinkin' [] Co on Huntin'
[] Fishin' [] Fuedin'[] Other

Truck equipped with: [] Gun Rack [] Fuzzbuster [] 8-Track
[] Rebel Flag [] Roll Bar [] C.B. Radio
[] Beer Cans [] Squirrel Tail [] Bull Horns

Favorite Vocalist: [] Elvis (the young Elvis)
[] Elvis (the old Elvis)
[] Elvis (dead)

Cap Emblems: [] John Deere [] CAT [] SKOAL [] Budweiser
[] Bud Dry [] Jack Daniels [] Teamsters local

Merberships: [] NRA [] VFW [] KKK [] 700 Club
[] B.P.O.E. [] Sine-aid Society

Do you vote? [] Yes [] No [] What's that?

Have you ever been in jail? [] Yes [] No [] Born there

Your Signature (one X will do):____________________________Date:_____

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Application to live in New Jersey

NAME:__________________________
NICKNAME:_____________________

ADDRESS: ______________________
EXIT #: ______________________

BACKYARD SMELLS LIKE:

a)Sewage
b)Sulfur
c)Garbage
d)All of the above

TOTAL # OF MUSCLE SHIRTS:

a)5 - 10
b)10 - 15
c)15 - 20
d)20 and above

# OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS:

a)5 - 10
b)10 - 15
c)15 - 20
d)20 and above

# OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS THAT ARE ALSO MUSCLE SHIRTS:

a)5 - 10
b)10 - 15
c)15 - 20
d)20 and above

BRAND OF JEANS PREFERRED:

a)Sergio Valente
b)Jordache
c)Sassoon
d)Z. Cavaricci

PERCENTAGE OF WARDROBE WHICH IS LEATHER:

a)100%
b)95-100%
c)90-95%
d)85-90%

TOTAL # OF GOLD CHAINS OWNED:

a)10 - 15
b)15 - 20
c)20 - 25
d)25 and above

# OF GOLD CHAINS WORN AT ONE TIME:

a)5 - 10
b)10 - 15
c)15 - 20
d)20 and above

APPROXIMATE VALUE OF ALL THIS JEWELRY:

a)$5 - $10
b)$10 - $15
c)$15 - $20
d)Stolen

NUMBER OF APPLICATIONS OF OBSESSION/POLO/DRAKKAR TO ACHIEVE DESIRED
EFFECT:

a)10 - 15
b)15 - 25
c)25 and above

GOLD CAP ON AT LEAST ONE TOOTH?

YES NO

HAIR HEIGHT:

a)6 - 8 Inches
b)8 - 12 Inches
c)1 - 2 feet
d)More than 2 feet

HAIR PRODUCTS USED AT ANY GIVEN TIME:

a) Hair Spray
b) Styling Gel
c) Mousse
d) Extra Hold Styling Gel
e) Bondo
f) Spackle
g) 40 Weight Oil
h) Crazy Glue

AUTOMOBILE OWNED:

a) IROC Z
b) Firebird
c) Camaro
d) Mustang
f) Chevette (You got a f#%*ing problem with it?)

NUMBER OF INCHES CAR IS OFF THE GROUND:

a)6 - 8 Inches
b)4 -6 Inches
c)2 - 4 Inches
d)Under 2 Inches

CHARACTERISTICS OF AUTOMOBILE:

a) Gold chain around license plate
b) Neon lights around license plate
c) Neon lights under car
d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view
mirror
e) Garter hanging from rear view mirror
f) Chrome hubcaps
g) Stick-on window tinting
h) Stick-on paint splash stickers
i) Fuzzy dice

FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM:

a) F#%*ing Giants
b) F#%*ing Jets
c) F#%*ing Mets
d) F#%*ing Yankees
e) F#%*ing Nets
f) F#%*ing Knicks
g) F#%*ing Devils
h) F#%*ing Rangers
i) F#%*ing Islanders

FAVORITE MUSIC:

a) Techno
b) Rap
c) Bon Jovi
d) Bruce Springsteen

ESSAY QUESTION:

In 100 words or less, define the term "Yoos Guys".

[teapeebubbles]

Arizona Jokes

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat


Dumb Arizona Laws:

Hunting camels is prohibited.


Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.


There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.


Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.


When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.


It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.


You may not have more than two dildos in a house.


Glendale
Cars may not be driven in reverse.


Globe
Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.


Hayden
If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.


Maricopa County
No more than six girls may live in any house.


Mesa
It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.


Mohave County
A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.


Nogales
An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.


Prescott
No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.


Tucson
Women may not wear pants.


Tombstone
It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.


-----------------------------------------------------------

Ode to Arizona
The Devil wanted a place on earth.
Sort of a summer home:
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.

So he picked out Arizona.
A place both wretched and rough.
Here the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys were hardened and tough.

He dried up the streams in the canyons
and ordered no rain to fall:
He dried up the lakes in the valleys,
Then baked and scorched it all.

Then over his barren desert
He transplanted shrubs from Hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear --
The climate suited them well.

Now, the home was much to his liking.
But animal life, he had none:
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.

First he made the rattlesnake.
With its forked poisonous tongue:
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow its young.

Then he made Scorpions and Lizards
And the ugly old Horned Toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter.
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old Horned Toad looked ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom.
As any creator would:
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.

'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his wearthy brow.
So he took off his coat and vest.

"By Golly," he finally panted
"I did my job too well.
I'm going back where I came from
Arizona is hotter than Hell!"


-
You know you're in Arizona when ...

*You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

*You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

*You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

*You can make instant sun tea.

*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

*The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

*You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

*You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

*You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

*Hot water now comes out of both taps.

*It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

*You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

*You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

*No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

*Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

*You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

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Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

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A man in a bar sees j4 at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"

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A Dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The stuff we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is hard to digest and soft drinks erode the stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Even vegetables can be
disastrously covered with pesticides, and none of us realizes the
long-term harm caused by chemicals in our drinking water.

But there is one food that is the most dangerous of all.
And, most of us have, or will have eaten it at some time in our lives.

Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief
and suffering--even years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,

"Wedding Cake"

[teapeebubbles]

Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time...

Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.

When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.

When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.

Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.

Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.

Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.

Run down the aisle screaming,"He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!".

Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.

"Accidental" soda spill on the dork next to you.

Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't".

Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!".

Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.

Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.

Start a hot dog stand.

Steal businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it.

Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put super glue in your undies that morning.

Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.

Show off your Batman underwear.

Switch accents and see if anyone notices.

Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm.

Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.

Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says "e".

Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do they call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world.

Don't use deodorant, then "accidentally" stick your armpit in someone's face.

Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.

Snort when you laugh.

Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same.

Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!".

With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Never mind. Do you have any towels?".

Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!".

Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best then the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)

If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.

Pretend you're flying the plane.

Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang.

Take over the plane with a toy gun.

Yell to someone "Is it time to hijack the plane yet?" (Note: Do this when there are stewardess nearby).

To the person next to you, say "It's amazing that they didn't notice the grenade in my luggage.

[teapeebubbles]

Military Aircraft Warranty-Survey Form

Thank you for purchasing the Defender F-12 military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. Personal Information

[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss
[_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other

First Name:..............................................

Initial: ........

Last Name:...............................................

Password: ............................... (max 8 char)

Code Name:...............................................

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude-Attitude:....... ........ ......... ........

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat

[_] F-15 Eagle

[_] F-16 Falcon

[_] F-117A Stealth

[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /....... /.......

4. Serial Number:...............................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package

[_] Catalog showroom

[_] Independent arms broker

[_] Mail order

[_] Discount store

[_] Government surplus

[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the Defender F-12 product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up

[_] Store display

[_] Espionage

[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally

[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer

[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this Defender F-12 product:

[_] Style / appearance

[_] Speed / maneuverability

[_] Price / value

[_] Comfort / convenience

[_] Kickback / bribe

[_] Recommended by salesperson

[_] Defender F-12 reputation

[_] Advanced Weapons Systems

[_] Back room politics

[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America

[_] Iraq

[_] Central / South America

[_] Iraq

[_] Aircraft carrier

[_] Iraq

[_] Europe

[_] Iraq

[_] Middle East (not Iraq)

[_] Iraq

[_] Africa

[_] Iraq

[_] Asia / Far East

[_] Iraq

[_] Misc. Third World countries

[_] Iraq

[_] Classified

[_] Iraq

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV

[_] VCR

[_] ICBM

[_] Killer Satellite

[_] CD Player

[_] Air-to-Air Missiles

[_] Space Shuttle

[_] Home Computer

[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)

[_] Communist / Socialist

[_] Terrorist

[_] Crazed

[_] Neutral

[_] Democratic

[_] Dictatorship

[_] Corrupt

[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your Defender F-12 product?

[_] Deficit spending

[_] Cash

[_] Suitcases of cocaine

[_] Oil revenues

[_] Personal check

[_] Credit card

[_] Ransom money

[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation...

[_] Homemaker

[_] Sales / marketing

[_] Revolutionary

[_] Clerical

[_] Mercenary

[_] Tyrant

[_] Middle management

[_] Eccentric billionaire

[_] Defense Minister / General

[_] Retired

[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf

[_] Boating / sailing

[_] Sabotage

[_] Running / jogging

[_] Propaganda / misinformation

[_] Destabilization / overthrow

[_] Default on loans

[_] Gardening

[_] Crafts

[_] Black market / smuggling

[_] Collectibles / collections

[_] Watching sports on TV

[_] Wines

[_] Interrogation / torture

[_] Household pets

[_] Crushing rebellions

[_] Espionage / reconnaissance

[_] Fashion clothing

[_] Border disputes

[_] Mutually Assured Destruction



Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help Defender F-12 serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?

Please write to:

DEFENDER F-12 CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

[teapeebubbles]

A fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying
to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to
kill my wife."

"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.

The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

[teapeebubbles]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede on their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."