Replies to post #8754 on The Confessional

[teapeebubbles]

oh my 3 lies :)

she dun got cot didnt she ;)

[teapeebubbles]

The road to truth is long and lined the entire way with
annoying bastards.

[teapeebubbles]

A couple that had been married for 20 years, every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting
off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this
was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of
this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the
middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she
suddenly turned on the lights.

She looked down ...and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft,
wonderful and larger than a "real one".

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him,"how could
you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

[teapeebubbles]

The wondrously stacked blonde appeared at her door in a
strapless evening gown that defied gravity.

"Terrific!" said her admiring escort. "I don't see what
holds that dress up!"

"Play your cards right, dear, and you will," she murmured.

[teapeebubbles]

A priest and a nun are on their way home from a conv-
ention when suddenly, their car dies.

The priest says to the nun "Well Sister, I'm afraid
we are going to have to go to a hotel for the night."

The nun just smiles, and says, " OK, Father."

They arrive at the hotel to find that there is only
one room available. The priest says 'Well Sister, I'm
afraid we are going to have to share a room. I'm sure
that under the circumstances, God won't mind. You sleep
in the bed and I'll sleep on the couch."

The nun just smiles and says, "OK, Father."

They check into the room and prepare for bed, the
priest on the couch, and the nun in the bed. The
priest turns out the lights and goes to sleep.

Ten minutes later the nun says, "Father, I'm cold."

The priest says, "OK Sister, I'll get you an extra
blanket." He gets her a blanket and goes back to sleep.

Ten minutes later, the nun says, "Father, I'm STILL
cold." So the priest gets up, gets her another blanket,
and goes back to sleep again.

Ten minutes later, the nun says, "Father, I'm VERY cold.
You don't suppose that, under the circumstances, God
would mind if we acted like husband and wife for just
one night?"

The priest answered, " No. I don't suppose he would -
GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET! "

[teapeebubbles]

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

[teapeebubbles]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

[teapeebubbles]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -- you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

[teapeebubbles]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[teapeebubbles]

The Truth Behind Men's Phrases

"Haven't I seen you before?"
"Nice ass."

"I'm a Romantic."
"I'm poor."

"I need you."
"My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys."
"I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment."
"I'm sick of masturbation."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
"You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better."
"So I can tell my friends about it."

"It's just orange juice, try it."
"Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my
head."

"She's kinda cute."
"I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
head might be necessary."

"I don't know if I like her."
"She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much."
"I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to
look good."

"Was it good for you?"
"I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
"Is my penis really that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night."
"Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you're going to find
out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?"
"I've done something really stupid and someone's on
their way to tell you by now."

"I have something to tell you."
"Get tested."

"I'll give you a call."
"I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs
than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot."
"You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends."
"You're ugly."

"I've learned a lot from you."
"Next!!!!"

"I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
"I gotta turn on my answering machine."

[teapeebubbles]

Is sex on the Sabbath a sin?

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."

The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister. The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath. Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?" The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

[teapeebubbles]

A priest and a pastor from a local church are standing by the side of the road pounding a sign into the ground that reads: 'The End is near! Turn yourself around now and be saved before it's too late!'

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!", yelled a driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say Bridge Out"?

[teapeebubbles]

I diet religiously: I eat what I want and pray I don't
gain weight

[teapeebubbles]

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[teapeebubbles]

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

[teapeebubbles]

As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each
of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young
Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Chris-
tmas Time?", she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my
twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and
we Sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put
mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings.

Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Chris-
tmas to come with all our Toys".

"Very nice Patrick", she said.

"Now, Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?" "Well,
Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum
And Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.
We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up
our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus
to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not
wanting to leave Him out of the discussion, she asked,
"Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad
comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls
Royce, then we Drive to his toy factory.

When we get inside, we look at all The empty shelves
and begin to sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus'.
Then we all go to the Bahamas."