Liberal Free Chat Zone

[PMS Witch]

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

With thanks to Ground Zero who submitted This Message on SI.

Cheers, PW.

P.S. I found some news stories from British newspapers.

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdy about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdy has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)


Although I started this message with a brief peek into High School student's knowledge, I don't want to overlook College students.

World History According to College Students

"History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815. Thus we should try to view historical times as the behind of the present. This gives incite into the anals of the past."

"Civilization woozed out of the Nile about 300,000 years ago. The Nile was a river that had some water in it. Every year it would flood and irritate the land. This tended to make the people nervous."

"Judyism was the first monolithic religion. It had one big God named 'Yahoo'."

"Noah's ark came to it's end near Mt. Arafat."

"These pre-Socratics lived long before Plato and were not decisively influenced by his work."

"Plato invented reality. He was teacher to Harris Tottle, author of The Republicans."

"Socrates was accused of sophmorism and sentenced to die of hemroyds."

"Cesar inspired his men by stating, 'I came, I saw, I went'. When he was assinated, he is reported to have said, 'Me too, Brutus!'"

"Eventually Christian started the new religion with sayings like, 'The mice shall inherit the earth'. Later Christians fortunately abandoned this idea."

"Romans persacuted Christians by lionizing them in public stadiums."

"Without the discovery of the flying buttock it would have been an impossible job to build the Gothic cathedral."

(Regarding the Black Plague): "Death rates exceeded 100% in some towns."

"This was a time of stunned growth. The plague also helped the emergence of English as the national language of England, France, and Italy."

"Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike. They enriched themselves by planting wool and selling it for clothing. They increased these profets by paying interest to people who borrowed money from them. This produced even more grits for the mills of change."

"Hitler, who had become depressed for some reason, crawled under Berlin. Here he had his wife Evita put to sleep, and then shot himself in the bonker."

"The Allies landed near Italy's toe and gradually advanced up her leg, where they hoped to find Musalini."

"Stalin, Rosevelt, Churchill, and Truman were known as the 'big three'."

"Unfortunately the Second World War was not concluded until 1957. A whole generation had been wiped out in two world wars, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces."

"The Civil Rights movement in the USA turned around the corner with Martin Luther Junior's famous 'If I Had a Hammer' speech."

"The East and West made mends with each other. The Berlin Mall was removed. Many Eastern Europeans experienced a new form of arousal at this time."

"It is now the age of now. This concept grinds our critical, seething minds to a halt."

P.P.S. After College, people look for work.

Actual Lines from Resumes

I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.

You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date.

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

I am a rabid typist.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Special Skills: Speak English.

Served as assistant sore manager.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis