What Really Makes Guys Cheat?
By The Love Council
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These days, we can't seem to escape the notion that men in Hollywood just can't stay faithful to one woman. Jude Law's recent infidelity and the speculation that Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Aniston are the focus of the media's fascination. Whether these actors live in such a different reality that this kind of thing might be part of the job description, we can't say. But when Jude and Brad can't keep from straying from seemingly ideal women like Sienna Miller and Aniston, we're left to wonder what that means for the rest of us.
A poll done by the New York Times in 2000 found that 44 percent of the male respondents admitted to having had an extramarital affair (and that percentage doesn't include those unfaithful guys who weren't willing to own up to their transgressions).
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Are men inherently unfaithful? What really makes guys cheat? We asked the Love Council to weigh in.
Dan Cronin
There's a saying that goes, "Show me the most beautiful girl in the world, and I'll show you a guy who's tired of sleeping with her."
Rather crass, I think, but true. Not just for men, but for women too. And it's not just that we tire of each other, we keep getting interested in the other items on the menu.
Because let's face it, marriage is an unnatural state. No offense to my amazing wife, who I will never, ever cheat on, but the notion of staying intimate with one person for the rest of your life is akin to, say, being able to eat one kind of sandwich for the rest of your life. Imagine that? Tell me you wouldn't be leaning over the counter, looking at the day's special, wondering, "Wouldn't it be great if I could try that smoked turkey on rye?"
Marriage is a sacrifice. It's a commitment people make to each other that says, "I got your back for all time. It's you and no one else forever. Oh, and please pay the cable bill."
But I think most men -- including most of the guys in Hollywood -- stick to this commitment. And the ones who don't? They're just too hungry, and the sandwich they've got at home isn't hitting the spot the way it should. If you add to this equation being rich, impossibly good looking and the owner of an ego inflated by the likes of Jennifer Aniston and Sienna Miller, then, well, the odds that you'll cheat are probably a little higher. Either that, or Jude Law and Brad Pitt are a couple of depraved sex addicts.
In addition to being a husband and father to twin girls, Dan Cronin is an NYC-area comedian, writer and ad copywriter. He has been a featured stand-up comic as well as a sketch performer on NBC's Late Night with Conan O'Brien, and has also appeared on Comedy Central's Premium Blend. His video clips, performance schedule and other "unfiltered detritus" can be found at DanCronin.com.
Cathi Hanauer and Daniel Jones
Cathi: As that New York Times poll reveals, long-term monogamy is difficult for all of us -- even those of us who aren't halfway across the world from our spouse shooting hot scenes with gorgeous movie stars of the opposite sex. But let's not confuse Hollywood with real life, or assume that the average man is Brad Pitt. Not all men have cheating on their minds. And plenty of women are at fault for infidelity. Remember Meg Ryan leaving her longtime husband, Dennis Quaid, for Russell Crowe just a few years ago?
Dan: Both in and outside of Hollywood, I'm guessing most husbands and wives have the urge to cheat at one time or another. Those who actually do cheat either can't, or don't want to, stop themselves. Maybe they think they can get away with it. Or maybe it's an unconsciously destructive act to a marriage that already has other problems.
If men cheat more than women, I'd say it's more a crime of opportunity than of chromosomes. Men are still out of the house more than women, and maybe they're also more inclined to think it's something society still largely condones for them in a way that we don't yet condone it for their counterparts. And even so, plenty of men sign up for the monogamy plan and stick to it. But to be fair to Hollywood types, most of us who stick to that pledge don't get to deal with the temptation that constitutes normal life for the likes of Brad Pitt and Jude Law.
Cathi Hanauer is the author of "My Sister's Bones" and the editor of the New York Times best-selling essay collection "The Bitch in the House: 26 Women Tell the Truth about Sex, Solitude, Work, Motherhood, and Marriage". Currently, Cathi contributes to Elle, O, Parenting and more and, along with her husband, Daniel Jones, writes "The Double Edge," a relationship column in the newly launched Tango magazine. Her second novel, Sweet Ruin (Atria/Simon and Schuster), will be released in early 2006. Daniel Jones is the author of the novel "After Lucy", a Barnes and Nobel Discover Award finalist, and the editor of "The Bastard on the Couch: 27 Men Try Really Hard to Explain Their Feelings about Love, Loss, Fatherhood, and Freedom". He is a contributing editor at the New York Times, where he edits the weekly "Modern Love" column in Sunday Styles. With his wife, Cathi Hanauer, he writes "The Double Edge," a relationship column in Tango magazine.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Having worked with many Hollywood couples, there is no question that the lifestyles of the rich and famous make commitment and fidelity a daunting task. But for those of us who live outside of Tinseltown, life is filled with its own share of monumental relationship challenges. And although there are no truly reliable statistics on the percentage of married people who philander, one thing is for sure: They're doing it in droves. Contrary to popular belief, men have no corner on the market of infidelity. Women give their husbands a serious run for their money. And it may surprise you to learn that the reasons men and women stray are changing over time. Based on her extensive study, the late Shirley Glass wrote in her book, Not "Just Friends," that the stereotype of men having affairs for sex and women for emotional connection just doesn't cut it anymore. More and more women are seeking sexual satisfaction from their illicit liaisons while men are increasingly looking for that close emotional bond. So much for stereotypes.
So, before we go perpetuating the myth that those testosterone-laden men just can't contain themselves even when they're married to the sexiest of divas, let's get real. When marriage becomes boring, stressful, lonely or sexless, rather than work it out with their spouses, people cheat. Sometimes, even happily married spouses cheat.
Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, is an internationally renowned relationship expert, psychotherapist, marriage educator and sought-after speaker. She is the author of six books, including "Divorce Busting", "The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido" (Simon and Schuster). Her popular Website, DivorceBusting.com, offers valuable information for people in troubled marriages.
Dr. Ruth Westheimer
Looking at celebrities tells us very little about the average couple because their lives are so different. A famous actor has women throwing themselves at him on a regular basis. Even if he restrains himself 99 times out of 100, there is likely to be that one time when he gives in. And while the average man may face temptation once in a while, it's not likely to be in such a concentrated fashion.
Instead of getting caught up in celebrities' love lives, I'd like to discover how many men -- and women, for that matter -- cheat when the relationship is a good one. My suspicion is that in the vast majority of cases where cheating takes place, there is something inherently amiss in the relationship. So I am quick to dismiss the idea that it's simply that men are inherently unfaithful.
Consider that there are many famous couples who have never cheated on each other. I think the reason for that is that their relationship is soundly rooted. The same goes for couples who live outside of Tinseltown. If two people really love each other and want to be with each other, they'll have the strength to withstand temptation.
The original sexpert, Dr. Ruth has given advice for over 20 years and counting. She's hosted many television shows -- including Sexually Speaking with Dr. Ruth Westheimer and What's Up, Dr. Ruth? among others. She's written 30 books, such as "Dr. Ruth's Encyclopedia of Sex", "The Art of Arousal" (Abbeville Press) and her newest, "Dr. Ruth's Sex After 50: Revving Up Your Romance, Passion and Excitement!" (A Best Half of Life), taught classes at Yale and been named one of People's "Most Intriguing People of the Century."
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