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Foot-and-mouth believed to be first virus unable
to spread through microsoft outlook

Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That
Email App Doesn't Like

Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) -- Scientists at the
Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's Anti-
Virus Research Center today confirmed that foot-
and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's
Outlook email application, believed to be the
first time the program has ever failed to propagate
a major virus.

"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't
spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings
were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive
Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease
unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British offic-
ials, who said it will save millions of pounds and
thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite
naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad
cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick
Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By elimin-
ating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where
foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they
are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which
has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love
You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and
"Naked Wife," to name but a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular
Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that
we don't trust the research, it's just that as
scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any
finding that flies in the face of established truth.
And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk
sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally
skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus
Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually
pervious to any virus. The company, however, will
issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the
application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the
software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel
Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by
the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a
reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads
through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him,
'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've
thought?"