I suppose you are into some kind of self immolation or harakiri, that would explain your behavior and posts. Or maybe you and some others on this board are survivors from Jim Jones Jonestown clan or similar cult, would not surprise me one bit.
Good luck, I sincerely hope you find joy in the after life. I sincerely doubt that you will see TSHO, the thieving Kirk family or the Skymark scoundrels on the other side.